Happy Birthday

Happy birthday to the best dad in the world! I love you!! 

Christmas and stuff

Christmas has come and gone. Whew. For a minute I thought I wasn't going to make it this year. I was able to spend Christmas Eve with my family at my grandparents house; it was nice and relaxing. I was going to sleep at my parents house with Joey and Enna but decided to sleep in my own bed at my house. I woke up at 5:30 Christmas morning and went up to my parents house. I woke everyone up and we opened (watched Joey) presents. It was a lot of fun and I got spoiled. So did Joey.

After we were done opening gifts and hanging out, Buddy and Andi came up- and all the kids took moms car for a cruise to listen to Joey's new CD- "Now 44". ha ha.

Then we all went to grandma's for breakfast and pictures. Good thing I haven't showered or brushed my hair in like 4 days. I'm sure I'll love having these pictures.

I went home and slept most of the day and in the afternoon we went to Les Miserables (everyone minus Buddy, Dad and Joey). It was such a good movie and I'm glad I went- although it was nearly 3 hours long....which, in my book, is too long.

Now I'm at work. I'm tired, I'm sick and I wanna be in bed. 4 more hours. :)


Christmas Eve

Today is Christmas Eve- the morning of Christmas Eve, actually. As I'm sitting here at work thinking of all the shopping I still need to do tomorrow, I'm kicking myself for putting it off so long. On the other hand, I kind of like waiting until Christmas Eve to shop. It seems thrilling and exciting. ha ha...okay, not really.

The past few days have been so crazy. Between work and Sub4Santa I haven't gotten much sleep and I was starting to get a little crazy...or more crazy than normal. I have been stressed about Sub4Santa for a few weeks because last year we had much more done a lot sooner. This year we didn't know if we were going to be able to pull it off (time and money). Of course it all worked out and it was the best year we've had yet!

We weren't able to schedule a time to do the bake sale until Dec. 22- which is rather late, but we made more money than we've ever made doing a bake sale, plus we had more donations of money and gifts than ever before. Not only were we able to provide Christmas for over 20 kids- we gave Christmas dinner to 7 families. The best part was that the day before we were to deliver gifts, we took on a new family. The mom has something wrong with her heart (I don't know the medical terms) and the daughter is losing her ability to communicate. We had enough extra money that we were able to buy her an iPad!

All in all, life is good. People are good and I have cried (happy and crazy emo) more than I want to admit. Merry Christmas, everyone! :)


I thought once school ended I would mellow out and be less stressed, non-hormonal, and carefree. Turns out, it's quite the opposite; one might even say I'm more stressed, more hormonal and worried about everything.

I'm stressed that the Sub4Santa project isn't done yet and Christmas is coming so quickly.
I'm stressed that I haven't gotten any Christmas presents done yet. Some are started and some are almost done. But not one is completely ready to go.
I am on my period (3 weeks late) and more hormonal than I should be at any given time.
And mostly, I'm worrying about my grades. I won't find out until Wednesday and I think I'm giving myself an ulcer thinking about it.
On top of it, I babysat Joey last week while he was sick and now I'm sick.

So, today when I get off of work I'm going to go home and clean the shit (literally, cat shit) out of my house. Then maybe I'll get some Christmas shopping done and put together a couple presents. And I should probably shower and shave. My arm hair is long enough to be braided right now and I hate that; my legs are the same. Woof.

I know this blog doesn't make any sense and probably never does...but whatever. I get to see Sof tomorrow and I can't wait!

Hope everyone else is done Christmas shopping, not worried about grades and isn't on their period. Today is gonna be a good day. Meow


Kitties are like kids: part 2

I like giving people gifts. I also like buying my cats toys. Not really because they love them, but because it makes me feel good. 

You know when you give a baby a present and you think they will love it? And then they end up playing with the box that the toy came in and not the gift itself? Damn, right? 

Well today when I got home from work I was getting ready for bed and noticed a tampon wrapper on the bathroom floor. I kicked it and Calv came running and then played with it for a good 10 minutes before I threw it away. Weird, but okay.

Then when I woke up from my nap, I noticed he has found it and was playing with it again. Who knew I didn't need to spend 3 dollars on Christmas presents for Calv- all he needs is a tampon wrapper. Sweet! I will be returning his gift tomorrow. Tampon wrappers will be saved from now on and my kitty will be happy. 

Kids and kitties are so cool, right?


Kitty children

I love my cat(s). Yes, I do love them both. I love Calv more than anything, though. And here's how I know how:

Exhibit A: Calv walks into the bedroom, shits next to the litter box and then hops on my bed. I cuddle with him for ten minutes and then clean up his shit. And then cuddle some more.

I can imagine that being a parent to a real, human kid would be similar to how I love Calv. Yes... I am angry he shit on my floor, but I still love him. Yes, it's disgusting and I don't want to clean up shit...but sometimes you just do what you gotta do.

Don't judge me.

I told Joey I was going to bring Calv up to my parents house for Christmas Eve. His response? "You will stress mom out!!"

I guess no cats on Christmas Eve for me! :)


I woke up this morning at about 4am, dying of heat. I live in an old house that is converted into 3 small apartments; my neighbors downstairs have control of the furnace (well, we all do  because it's in the laundry room...but they take control). It was 85 degrees in my house and that was with my windows open. If it was my choice, I would leave the heat below 70 degrees and wear warmer clothes if I was cold. Turns out, I don't get to decide on this one so I woke up and started studying. As I was taking a break on good ol' Facebook, my little bro posted a picture of himself and said that he was staying home sick. I called and arranged to spend the day with him.

This is a win-win situation. I got to leave my hot-as-hell-house to come to my parents cold house (my mom likes it cold) and hang out with a cool dude while I study. Today is a good day.

I have one more paper to write, 4 exams and then I'm done for the semester. I can't wait would be an understatement.

Today I'm grateful for:

  • my fam
  • Sof
  • M&M's (Joey and I are currently eating all of the Christmas supply of them)
  • Netflix (for entertaining Joey while I "study")
  • my baby sis 
  • Ape
  • Ice water
  • Cuties
  • Showers and warm water
  • basketball clothes
I asked Joey if he wanted a drink and then told him he could have water, milk, or orange juice. He graciously informed me that juice makes him poop. Great, we'll go with the milk. ha 


I decorated for Christmas with Joey at my house today- and by that i mean we taped one strand of lights in my front window and taped a "Happy Holiday's" sign to my front door. ha But at least now my neighbors think I'm festive.

I also have a "photo shoot" for Calv and Gretch. I'm sending out Christmas cards. Watch out.

Today sucked overall, but I'm hoping that between school and work things will be better by next Friday.

I'm ready for a break and hopefully a trip to SLC to see friends. I need a break!


good intentions

Today when I got to work I was feeling refreshed and ready to get shit done. I normally get to work, do the shit I absolutely have to do and then do homework. Tonight I decided I would go above and beyond and work as hard as I could.

Well, I did. And I got lots of shit done. As I was in the cooler trying to put away the Pepsi order (because the Pepsi drivers suck and don't put it away)- I dropped a liter of Pepsi in the cooler and it exploded. So then I had to mop the cooler and move everything I had just put away. I guess sometimes it's better just to sit back and do my homework.

On a positive note, I was talking to a staff member at Horizon House (who I also have a class with) and telling him how frustrated I am with not being able to do an MSW. He told me that he thinks I should try and do it anyway. Sometimes it's nice to have someone who thinks I can do what I want to do; I still don't know what I will do or if I can even get into an MSW program...but I guess it won't hurt to try. :)

Today I'm grateful for mops, Monsters, Cuties (Mandarin oranges), and Calv. Meow.


Attitude Adjustment or something.

Obviously from the last couple of posts, I have been a little upset. And to say a little upset would be a lie- I've been so angry for the last couple of days that it was starting to really bring me down. I'm still upset. I still wish that my DUI wasn't affecting my life the way it is right now. I still want to get my MSW.


Today I met with my academic adviser (who also happens to be awesome!) and talked about all my options. She advised that I stay at SUU and do my masters in Public Administration. I had already thought about this option and think that it could be great- but it's not exactly what I wanted. I guess that's the great part about life...you never know what will happen.

I would loveeee to do my MSW at UNLV. I have been wanting to do this for years now and I didn't think that having a DUI would play any major role in my decision making process. Turns out, after talking to many people, it does. Sure, I can get into an MSW program without any major consequences of having a DUI but to get licensed after the program is another story. People have done it and maybe it would work out for me, too. But it's not a risk that I am able to financially make at this point. I can't afford to pay upwards of $40,000 to possibly get licensed. I need something that I will be able to rely on and survive on- and that seems to be a different route than what I intended.

In 2020 I will be eligible to get my DUI expunged from my record. At that point, if I feel like I need to get my MSW, I will. For now, I think I'll just roll with the punches and take a slightly different, not better or worse, path. And I'm okay with that.

I still wouldn't trade getting a DUI for anything. I don't think I would even be in school to care about getting an MSW if I didn't experience everything I have up to this point. So, although it's not ideal, I'll take the DUI and work with it. I am a firm believer that everything will work out; it might not be how I think it should be, but it will be good and I can be successful.

One weeks left of school! Wahooo!



Did you know that it takes longer for a misdemeanor DUI to be expunged than it does a felony? 7 years for a felony and 10 years for a DUI. 

Did you know that in some states you can have a felony and still be a licensed social worker but you can't have a DUI? 

Looks like I should I have done coke. Or meth. Or heroin. My bad...



Sometimes life is weird as shit. Today was one of those days.

I found out that I can indeed graduate early, but only if I take 3 classes in the summer. Not bad, except I don't have money to pay for them. So I guess we'll have to see about that.

Just in case I DO get to graduate in the summer, I started applying for grad schools today. I hadn't really thought much about it (I have thought a lot about it, but nothing specific)...and then the question that got me was "do you have an charges aside from minor traffic tickets?" came up. I do, indeed, have a DUI and other alcohol related charges and for some reason I had just assumed it wouldn't even matter at this point. Turns out, it does and I will have to ask the Board of Social Work in whatever state I go to school/plan to work, if I can get my license. The only problem is that they won't tell me until AFTER I finish my MSW program.

So now I'm left wondering if it's worth 2 years- time and money, to MAYBE get my license. I really hope that someone will have more clear answers for me or some advice. I am meeting with my adviser at SUU on Thursday and I have been emailing some professors at potential schools but I just feel so defeated.

I know it'll all work out but it's frustrating right now because I have no idea what I should be doing. Wish me luck! :)


Lucky Charms and Monster

My diet the past 3 days has consisted of ice water, Lucky Charms, and blue Monster energy drinks. It's not all it's cracked up to be and I'm feeling a little bit cracked. The good news, however, is that finals happen in one week! I don't know how to describe how happy I am or the amount of relief I will feel when it's over. My first semester back has been a good one...but one that won't be missed.

Good thing Lucky Charms were invented, though. Seriously, I can't think of a more unhealthy food to eat, especially for breakfast- and then add it in for lunch, dinner and snacks, too. Maybe when I graduate college I'll prepare real human food, but for now, I kinda like it.


Sometimes I want to punch people in the face.

Seriously, though. I am usually a pretty nice person and I don't usually want to punch anyone...especially not in the face. But there are instances in which I want nothing more than to do so...here are a few:

  • People in class who ask the same questions over and over. Seriously, you don't look smarter for the professor when you do that...you look stupid. And you're annoying. Stop it. 
  • People who cheat on their significant other. I don't care why or how- I just want to punch you. And, in all reality, I have indeed punched one or two peeps for my friends... and I'm not afraid to do it again. It might be a slightly more awkward doing so sober, but I will. Trust me.
  • The week before finals week. Because if I could punch this week, I would. 
  • My head cold. I don't actually want to punch myself in the head...but if it would get rid of whatever nasty cold I have, I would. 
I feel a little better. 

Monday's come so soon.

Monday already? Wowza. I had a nice Thanksgiving break- minus feeling like I was gonna die for half of it due to a stupid head cold. Thank goodness Taunya was so sweet and came in super early for me on Sunday morning so I could go sleep.

Other than that, I have just been rearranging my schedule for school a million times. I think I have it how I want it- and then I change it again. I think it's getting close to how it'll be next semester and I'm excited. As of right now, I will be taking:

  • Sociology of Drugs
  • Global Issues in Sociology 
  • Quantitative Reasoning (Math) 
  • Organizational Communication 
  • Family Processes and Theory
  • Community Proposal
I'm pretty excited for all most of my classes. I can't say I'm thrilled to take math or the 2nd class of University 1000. But whatever. That's life. 

I mostly picked my classes based upon the time of the class. I will be done with school Monday-Friday by noon everyday. I am more than excited to try and have a "normal" sleep schedule that will not include a 3 hour nap, class, 2 hour nap, another class, etc. I am hoping that I will be able to work 11pm-7:30am, go to class from 8am-noon, and then sleep from about noon-7 or 8pm each night. That way I'll still have a semblance of a social life from 8-11pm. ha ha



I really love Thanksgiving. Last year I got to spend my Thanksgiving at the community Thanksgiving dinner- it was just what I needed and I'm so grateful for it.

This year I decided that I would help out with the community dinner but that I wanted to have some friends over to my house for a little dinner, too. I woke up early and started cooking the turkey. I never knew how disgusting pulling guts out of the turkey can be- and then I had a little hissing match with Calv because he wanted to eat the whole thing raw. I compromised and boiled the neck for him. He loved it.

I only stayed at the community dinner for a little while and then went home to finish cooking. Sof is here and has been sick- so she was in bed most of the day. Marin came over early to help me finish cooking and then Brittni and Adam joined us (with lots of delicious food they baked).

I am so grateful that even though I wasn't able (logistically) to spend Thanksgiving with my family, I have such wonderful friends that I was able to enjoy the holiday with and test out my turkey baking skills. Turns out, doesn't take much...or I lucked out...or perhaps I'm the only one who didn't hate it. ha. Either way, it was a really wonderful day.

Plus, I got to have pre-game lunch with the bestie.

Today I'm grateful for friends who have become family. I'm also grateful for my real fam. This morning my dad helped me get stuff ready to take to the community dinner.


Things work out.

I don't know why I do this to myself. I always worry, stress out and freak out because I don't think things will work out. And so far, they always have. Somewhere deep in my pea-sized brain, even during a freak out, I know that everything will work out and yet I still make myself sick over everything.
Some of it is a good thing, though. For example: my social theory paper that I was stressing about writing only took me an hour to write. Usually they take me at least 4 hours to research, read all the shit and then write-- so the hour was a breeze. I have no idea if I even wrote about what was being talked about, but I feel better that it's done.
Now I'm on to stressing about job interviews, more homework, a group project, math, no sleep, Thanksgiving dinner, etc.

I just need to keep reminding myself that if I put in the work, everything will work out. It might not be how I want it or how I think it should be...but it does work out.

Since I've been crabby lately, I'm going to make a happy list:

  • I get to see Sof this week!
  • We are having Thanksgiving dinner with Britt face and Adam 
  • I get a break from school- the actual school part, not the homework. I'll take what I can get.
  • SUU Basketball on Wednesday with my homies (Joey and Enna)
  • My bills are paid. For now. I love feeling a little bit caught up. 
  • Calv has been so cuddly and cute lately. I love him so much. 
  • Today (Monday) is going to be a long day but I always feel so good after it's all over. 
  • I'm super happy that I will have time to clean my house on Wednesday. It needs it. And I always feel 100 times better about life when the house is clean. 
  • I will (hopefully) get to see my family this week at some point. All of my moms fam will be here. We'll see how that goes...
Anyway, I really do feel much better about life right now than I did last night. Today is gonna be a long ass day but then I get to sleep tonight and somehow that makes things better. I hope everyone has a very happy Thanksgiving!


This weekend has been the weekend of death. I want to drop out of school, run away, and sleep forever. Seriously. F*#* math. I hate it so much and it obviously hates me, too. And social theory can kiss my ass.

The only class I feel good about right now is Social Psych and it's not even that good. I don't know how I ever passed a class drunk if I can't even pass the damn thing sober. Blah.

Anyway, it's almost Thanksgiving. yay


So tired.

Lately I just feel like I can't sleep enough. Luckily, I work tonight and have school tomorrow and then I don't have to work on Friday night. I plan to use my time sleeping and cuddling with Calv. I'm just so tired. All the time. No matter how much sleep I get.

On other news, there isn't any. School and work are just kicking my ass- that's it.

I AM excited for Thanksgiving though! :)


And here we go again.

I just wanna stay in bed all day.


On second thought...

After re-reading my last blog post, I realize I sound like an ungrateful bitch....which, perhaps I am.

I guess mostly what I am learning is that life happens. People get sick, sleep doesn't have an on and an off switch, cats shit in a box and can't clean it out themselves, dishes don't do themselves, homework can be tedious and quite time consuming, and people are self-centered.

I am self-centered. The world definitely revolved around me and if it doesn't, I get upset. Isn't that like 2-year-old mentality? I think so. And yet, I still find myself getting upset over petty things that don't go my way.

I am usually too tired to hang out with friends, I never make it to family dinner at my parents house, my house is rarely spotless (if ever), I am horrible at math, I never call my sponsor or do step work, I haven't been to AA in weeks and I suck at math. And yet, I still have all these wonderful people who care about and love me.

This week, I'm going to try to "go with the flow" and just enjoy the moment. I get so caught up in trying to make everything go how I want it to go and then it never does...and even if what actually happened turns out to be great, I'm too busy being upset that it wasn't how I planned it.

Someone wise (who I won't name) would tell me to make a gratitude list, so I will:

  • I'm grateful that I have litter boxes. My house would be even more of a nightmare without them...plus, that means I have kitties. 
  • I'm grateful I got to sleep yesterday...even if it wasn't at my planned time or amount. 
  • I'm grateful that I get to go watch basketball later today with my bestie and my GF. 
  • I'm grateful that even though it's cold as %#%# outside right now, it's warm inside the truck stop. 
  • I'm grateful that Sof is here for a few days- even if I am a bitch. ha 
  • I'm grateful for schoolwork- I can't remember what I did all night at work before I was in school. Man, it sure makes the nights fly by. 
  • I'm grateful for my school schedule next semester! I'm taking classes that I think I'll really enjoy- except math. 
  • I'm grateful for technology. Even though I think it's a little overboard sometimes- I'm glad I can text my sis and Sof  (who don't live here) anytime. That's neat.
Okay, I'm still not feelin' it but maybe tomorrow will be better. Meow


As I was getting off work at 7:30am this morning, I was pumped for the day. Today was going to be perfect.

I ran to the store to pick up some groceries before I had school at 9am. Class went well and I enjoyed the discussion. I suppose this only added to my delusional thinking that it would be a good idea to plan my day. I know from a million past experiences that when I plan things, I also set expectations...and when I have expectations, shit goes crazy. And then I do.

Anyway, as I walked into my cat infested, messy as shit house, I soon realized that today might not be exactly how I planned it-- but figured it could be close. I got into my pajamas, tried to sleep for a minute and couldn't fall asleep, so I decided I'd make lunch before my 1pm class instead of after. My GF is here visiting and I thought it'd be fun to actually be able to sit and enjoy lunch together. I woke her up and told her I was making lunch- she said she wasn't hungry and that she didn't feel well.

Damn. I had already started cooking bacon and slicing vegetables, so I decided to continue anyway. I ate lunch alone and tried to take a quick nap before school. When my alarm went off at 12:40 I didn't want to move. Sof convinced me to get up and go- and that was probably the best part of my day. I hate it when I miss school because I'm tired.

After math I came home expecting that my cats magically cleaned their litter boxes and that my house wouldn't smell like shit. That didn't happen, but the dishes were done (thanks Sof).

I planned to sleep after math for a few hours and then wake up and spend time with Sof. Turns out, I slept until I had to get ready for work.

So, instead of a lunch-date and fun-filled evening, I ate alone and slept all day. And now I'm back at work (planning tomorrow).

The funny thing is, I really have been planning tomorrow. You know, when I will sleep and for how long (yeah right....that shit never happens how I plan it), who I'm going to spend time with and at what time, when I will shower, etc. I'm not sure why I repeatedly do this or if it's just a necessary evil: plan things even though you know it won't go the way you want it to go, because if you don't plan at all nothing will get done? I'm not sure.

All I know is that tomorrow can kiss my ass. I'm sleeping all day.


Even though...

Even though I didn't want to come to work tonight, I'm grateful for a job.
Even though pb&j isn't the most glamorous meal in the world, I'm grateful I have food to eat.
Even though my house is tiny and only has outlets in weird places, I'm so grateful it's mine.
Even though my cats pee on everything and make my house a disaster, I'm grateful for them.
Even though I don't get to hang out with my friends as much as I'd like to, I'm grateful that they are always here for me and that they are my friends.
Even though school is kicking my ass, I'm so grateful to be learning and (hopefully) almost done with my Bachelors degree.
Even though I hate math, I'm grateful that my math professor is so rad and that I'm actually learning it this time around.
Even though social theory isn't my cup of tea, I'm grateful that I am going to pass it this semester and I'll never have to take it again. Ever.
Even though psychology isn't my major, I'm grateful that I get to take lots of psych classes (mostly because there is a serious lack of sociology classes offered at SUU).

Even though I have no idea why I'm writing this, I am.

Hope everyone has a good weekend!


Election Day: Over

Finally, the elections are over and the Facebook nonsense can end. I mean, I'm sure it'll only get worse (the Facebook shit) before it gets better...but at least we're on the upward spiral now. Don't get me wrong, I think it's great and wonderful that we live in such a diverse country and that everyone is entitled to their own opinion. And even though I do not support Romney (for very obvious reasons), I can understand why some people do support him. And I can even respect some people who voted for Mitt. The thing I can't understand are the women who voted for Mitt--and especially the women who USE government assistance. I mean, really? Come on, people. Get real. Also, what's with gay folk who support someone who so openly discriminates against them? I will never understand. Ever.

But that's okay, because now I don't have to worry. Obama it is!

Now that that's over I feel much better. Peace out, homies.


Today I'm grateful for my baby sis. Even though we don't live in the same city or talk every day, I know I can always count on her. She's been one of my best friends throughout my life- even through the fighting and biting, and I'm so grateful that she's my sister. 

I could go on for days about all the things that Anne has done for me. 

Thanks for being the best sister in the world, honey. Meowwww. 


day 4: grateful

Today I'm grateful for my girlfriend, Sof. She is seriously one of the best people I know and I feel so lucky to have her in my life. Although I don't get to see her as often as I'd like, and I'm usually emo/tired when I do see her, I'm so grateful for her.

Just tonight I decided I would take a little nap before work. At about 10:40pm Sof called and reminded me to wake up so I wasn't late for work (I was planning to be up at 10pm...). I was still late for work, but if she hadn't called I would still be sleeping.

I'm grateful to be in a normal relationship- you know, one that you care about each other. It's been a while since that happened; it's refreshing.

I got to meet Sof's friends last week and it was lots of fun. I'm excited for her to meet my friends and family (hopefully), too! :)

Oh! And she lets me be a cat lady; she even likes my cats (or pretends to like them and I'm fine with that). Meow.


Today I'm grateful for being back in school. Seriously, I never thought that I'd get to go back since I screwed it up so many times. The entire first year that I was sober I thought I was doomed to a life working at the truck stop, making minimum wage and barely having  enough money to buy cat food and top ramen.

I mean, it's not like I'm rolling in the dough now and it's still been a challenge to be able to work full-time at the truck stop while going to school- I couldn't be more grateful for it.

I am also grateful that my studying is starting to pay off! My grade in social psych just went up from a B- to an A, my math grade is an A, social theory is an A and the class I hate more than anything is a B. I can handle that. Life is good. School is a lot of work but it's good and I'm grateful for it.


Grateful: day 2

I am grateful for my parents today.

My dad is the most kind person I have ever met- he would do anything for anyone. I always remember growing up my dad would be the first to invite random people over for dinner, taking Christmas to families who wouldn't have it otherwise, working multiple jobs to support our family, and coming to all of my events in school and sports no matter how far away they were or what time of day.

My mom and I have had our differences but lately (since I've been sober but especially the past couple of months) it seems like we are able to get along. She is always giving me food, toilet paper, and inviting me over for dinner. My mom is Joey's biggest fan and to me, that makes her golden in my book because who doesn't love good ol' Joe?

The best part is that I know no matter what, my parents love me. They might not agree with everything I do or believe, but at the end of the day I know they will always be there for me and love me. Couldn't ask for anything more.


No Shave November

No shave November. My favorite time of the year. I don't love November for the "no shave" part because I really like shaving, but I love nearly everything else about it.

I love crisp mornings walking to school after a long night at work. It seems to wake me up and helps me feel refreshed. 

I love that I can wear jackets and hoodies. I need to stock up this year. I am running low in that department. 

I love that basketball officially starts in November. So excited to spend my nights at the SUU games with my homies. Aka, April and Joey. 

I love Thanksgiving! I especially love the free Thanksgiving Dinner- this is our 2nd annual dinner and I'm so happy about it. It was so much fun last year and I'm grateful that I get to help do it again. 

I love opening my windows and getting under a few blankets and cuddling with Calv. It's perfect. Now if only I had Sof here, too. :) 

November is going to be great. I can feel it. 

November 1st

I am going to try and update my blog every day with some gratitude for my favorite holiday- Thanksgiving!

Last night I was being a little emo (and by a little, I mean I was extremely emo) and as I was driving home someone sent me some slightly rude messages. Since I was already upset, I didn't respond because I didn't want to be rude back. Today I was still feeling crazy, so I called my friend Mitch and cried to him and he just listened and told me not to worry. Normally, I'm not one to cry to people...and especially not a dude, but Mitch it seriously the best guy. I also got some cute texts and calls from other people who care about me and it really turned into a great day.

So today, I'm grateful that even when I'm being crazy/emo, I have friends who are always here for me and who care about me.


I got to spend time with Sof on her birthday and it was so much fun! All of her friends/family were so nice and it was a really fun night. I was supplied with endless water, diet coke and energy drinks-- I really couldn't have asked for a better night. The bands were really great and it was fun to just hang out and enjoy the night with fun people.

I would go on, but I'll save it for another time. Meow.


18 Months Soberrrrr

Holy smokes- today I've been sober for 18 months! I can hardly even believe time is going by so quickly. It feels like yesterday that I was walking into rehab, not knowing what to expect. I'm so, so grateful that my family helped me get to Horizon House and that once I got there- I actually stayed. It's beyond me why I didn't walk out a million different times. I hated that place at times; I also made some of my best friends and learned so much while I was there.

I have the best sponsor (even if I don't call her enough), my family is awesome, my girlfriend is one of my biggest supports and my friends are all amazing. Thanks to everyone who put up with me before I got sober and has continued to be there for me during the past 18 months. I am just so happy and so grateful.




  • School is going rather well- better than a few weeks ago when I felt like rusty brains. I mean, I'm sure I'm still just as rusty, but I'm getting A's on my Social Theory papers and I'm doing well in math...so I can't really complain about that. Hopefully I can hold on a little longer and get this semester over with. 

  • I haven't been "living" at the truck stop like I was for the first month and a half of school and it's been so nice. I've been able to spend quite a lot of time doing things I love, with people that I love. I am working full-time still...just not crazy overtime. It's been very nice-- all except my paychecks..but I'd take the time off any day. 

  • I watched the movie "what to expect when you're expecting" last night with my cats. I wasn't expecting it to be great, but I loved it. So funny. And now I want a baby. I've always loved kids but over the last few years I've just accepted that I'll probably never have one and I'm fine with that--up until last night. Now I think I need a baby. ha ha 

  • Today there were lots of Halloween parties- instead of going, I hung out with April and then Joey. Way more fun. I'm not a fan of dressing up to go do nothing....I mean, really, that's sorta lame. 

  • I really need to start writing more exciting things....or maybe if my life were a little more exciting I'd have more to write about. Oh well, I'm sure in 10 years I'll enjoy reading this. 


Today was such a good day. I slept in because my first class was just a review for the test on Tuesday and he gives up a study guide- so there's no point to go listen to his read the questions to me. Then I woke up, had time to actually shower and go to math- in real clothes. Second time this semester that I wore real clothes to math. The good news, the professor never showed up for class and the power in the whole city went out so we all left school.

Instead of being a hermit, I went and played cards with my grandparents. It was nice to see them and I'm glad I got to hang with them for a couple of hours. They really crack me up.

Then I got a niceeee nap in and a cruise with April before work. Once I got to work I got to talk to my sis for a long time on the phone which was nice. I don't talk to her enough.

And now I'm watching all the episodes of Season two of New Girl. Best show ever. And funniest. I love it so much. If Grey's Anatomy and New Girl were the only shows on TV right now, I'd be fine.

And the best part of today is that it's actually my Friday. I don't have to work tomorrow and I couldn't be more excited! :)


My period started. Thank God. Now at least I know why I'm being irrational and emo. I mean, at least I have an excuse now anyway.

The extra litter boxes I added around the house for Calv are working. He isn't peeing on everything currently and I'm glad about it. I mean, it sucks cleaning more than one litter box a day, but it sure beats cleaning piss off the floor all the time. Crazy cat.

I also got some extra boxes from work and make him a little "Cat cave". I like it more than he does and he has yet to actually sleep in it. He does enjoy chewing on the cardboard, though. So it's all good. ha

My life is sooo cool. Obviously.

Hormones can suck it.

I hate crying. I hate crying even more when I'm at the truck stop. I feel so awkward and lame when I cry and then add random truckers asking what dude they need to kill. I mean, it's sweet of them...I just don't like it.

For the most part I think I'm okay with my past and usually I am okay with it- then days like today happen and I get to relive it and then I freak out a little. Thank goodness Sof is so sweet and just listened to me cry via phone even though she has to wake up early for school.

Moral of the story: I'm going to start my period in the very near future and I'm hormonal, missing Sof, and overall crazy. Hopefully I'll be "normal" soon. :)


This post goes out to my only reader, whether it's by pity or not, Ashlee Adkins.


You're great. You should update me on your life.

K, thanks.


shoulda, woulda, didn't.

I had big plans for "fall break"- and the only noteworthy thing I did was when I got to see Sof. Other than that, besides work, I haven't really done much. I'm okay with it but it's a little depressing that today is my last day off from work and school. I guess that's life.

On a positive note, I bought not one, but two more litter boxes for my crazy ass cat. Hopefully he'll like them and start peeing in them instead of randomly around my house. That would be neat. He is being so crazy lately and it's making me a little crazy.

Well, it's almost 5am and I'm not at work ...and I'm not really sure why I'm awake. I am missing Sof like crazy and just wish she could be here. I know that's not realistic, but a girl can dream. Someday.

Goooooodnight, to anyone who actually reads this stupid blog. ha


puffy eyes

Every night/day/morning when I go to sleep I feel fine. When I wake up my eyes are glued shut and I have puffy eyes. Everyone says it's because I'm allergic to Calv but I've had him for a year and this has only been happening for a few weeks. So perhaps I am now magically allergic to my baby but I doubt it. And even if I am, I wouldn't put him outside anyway.

I've listened to the Perks of Being a Wallflower soundtrack on repeat for 2 days and I love it. So good.

I'm wearing some pants I bought while I was with Sof over the weekend. The look dorky, but I like them anyway. Same with my new shoes- probably not very fashionable, but I'm comfortable and it meets the "dress code" for work.

I got so much sleep before work. I don't even know what to think. I mean, I'm still tired, but I feel lots better tonight than I did last night. Plus, my mom made me dinner. Nom nom

I miss Sof like crazy- good thing she doesn't live too far away. But it still sucks.

April's ex-boyfriend had a baby and got married to someone who looks like could be his mom. I got pictures and I'm excited to show her in the morning. BAHAHA...I love seeing pictures of exes (mine and otherwise)-- most of them are pretty comical, to say the least. Boy are we lucky to be with the people we're with today, eh April? :)

I was gonna have a "craft" day tomorrow all day-- but instead I think I'll sleep. Sounds much better and I don't really have anything in particular I wanna craft anyway.

My blog is a shit show- and I don't care. Don't read it if you don't wanna.

K bye!



I'm tired but I'm happy. And I'm grateful. For lots of stuff. 
  • While I was visiting Sof, I got 3 or 4 new pairs of pants and got them all for veryyy good deals. I'm glad because the only two pairs of jeans I own now have holes in the crotch. So hot. 
  • Sof got me some cute shoes (she doesn't like them)- and I love them. 
  • I get to sleep today. All day. I hope. 
  • Calv- he was so cuddly when I got home tonight before coming into work. I love it when we get to cuddle because he's not being hyper and crazy. 
  • I get to live alone (no roomies) and I can walk around naked anytime I want. And I like that. A lot. Plus, I rarely have dishes because I don't use them these days. 
  • While I was with Sof (even though I was kind of a bitch about it) we went to Petland and it was so cute. So many cute puppies and kittens. OMG. And they had a dog stroller that I want to get for Calv. 
  • I can't get over how good The Perks of Being a Wallflower is- and how much I want to see it again. Thanks Sof for taking me to see it. Best date ever. 
  • We ate In N Out. Yummmm. 
  • We also ate at The Omlet House. I love that place. 
  • Energy drinks. I know I say this all too often, but holy shit...I'd be dead without them. 
  • No school on Monday or Tuesday. I am beyond grateful for this. 
  • I get to go home in one hour. That's great news. 
  • I'm grateful for my fam. They really are so great. 
  • I'm grateful that Sof doesn't hate me for being awkward. I met her step-dad and his girlfriend. They were both very nice and even though I felt awk (like always).. I guess it wasn't so bad. Now to meet her dad and step-mom....my anxiety is building. haha
  • Chapstick. I don't think I could live without it. Furreal. 
  • My sibs. All so different, interesting and rad. 
  • My professors. I feel like all of them (even the really boring one) really cares about what they do and about the students. Maybe they don't...but as long as I feel like they do- who cares?
  • No snow yet. Best thing ever. 
  • This was a weird grateful list..but whatever. 


The Perks of being a Wallflower

Last night I got to spend some time with my girlfriend and we went and saw The Perks of being a Wallflower. I was so excited to see it and I didn't know if it would live up to my expectations; it didn't...it exceeded them by a million times. I seriously loved every second. I cried my eyes out, laughed more than I should ever laugh in a public place and wanted it to keep going forever. Best movie I've ever seen, or at least in a realllllly long time.

Can't wait to buy it! :)

Oh, and my weekend has been lovely. I had Friday night off so I made good use of it. Now I'm back at work and ready to roll. I don't have school on Monday or Tuesday, so hopefully I can clean the shit outta my house and get ready for the next week.


Early morning ramblings

I didn't work last night and I woke up at 4:30am- after trying to sleep for the last 3 hours I decided that I might as well wake up and dye my hair. One less thing to do later today. One more night of work and then I get a mini-vacation. So stoked.

I need to get a professional photographer to photograph Calv. I mean really, who wouldn't want to take pictures of such an adorable little guy? ha

I got 100% on my math test. First time in my life. Hopefully I can pass the class and move on with life.  My math professor is pretty awesome and I'm glad that I randomly picked such a good one. Bad math teachers are the pits.

Joey has called me the past two mornings before I call him. Weird because for the last year and a half, I've called him nearly every morning. It's nice to have him call me first. I love that kid so much.

Last night I was thinking about all the cool people that I know and how lucky I am to have such great friends and family. Even though I'm a tired bitch almost all the time, they still love me and want to hang out with me. ha ha...and trust me, that's saying something. April made me get out of bed last night and I'm glad she did. With school full-time and working more than full-time usually, it's nice to have a break.

I don't have school on Monday or Tuesday coming up and I couldn't be more excited for some crafternoons. Seriously, so stoked. I have lots of ideas. I've started lots of the projects but had very little time to complete them. Hopefully I won't have too much homework so that I can actually work on the stuff I want to do!

My classes are all going really well. I hate my adolescent psychology class, which is a little surprising. I don't necessarily hate the content, but I hate the teaching method that the professor uses....AKA, he doesn't have one and he's sort of lame. He doesn't really have a passion for teaching.....or adolescent psychology and he makes that pretty obvious. My favorite class is social psychology- for both the content and the professor. He is brilliant- and his teaching method is one that I can relate to and not get bored...even in a 3 hour class!

I got some new shoes yesterday. My first non-flip flops of the year. And one of like 3 real pair of shoes that I own. I really love them, although I'm afraid that even though they aren't flip flops, they aren't really winter shoes. Damn. I hate shoes. Guess I need to go shopping this weekend since it's supposed to snow real soon.

Life is good- even at 27, being an undergrad and working at the truck stop. Could be worse. I'm still weighing all of my options in regard to grad school- where, when, what..you know, all that good stuff. Part of me wants try and find a decent job and just start paying down my student loans for a couple of years and the other part of me thinks that if I don't just go to grad school right now, I never will. I guess it's not the most important thing. Yes, I'd love to go to grad school and it would be a great experience but if I can do what I love without going I don't know why I would go...We'll see. I have a little while to figure that out.


Even though life is a little bit insane right now, I've never been happier. I just have to keep reminding myself that this is exactly what I want and where I need to be-- when I sit down and think about it, life really couldn't be better right now. 

I made the coolest thing today. I'll post it when I can (after it gets given to someone for their birthday). 

Now I get to math it up. Bye!



I am pretty lucky.
I have a rad family, the coolest friends & the sweetest girlfriend.
I'm in school- learning about stuff I care about to get a job that will allow me to help others.
I currently have a job- and even though I'm not particularly fond of it, it pays my bills and it's been good to me. My boss is rad, my co-workers bake me food and bring it to me in the middle of the night, and when I'm sick the cover my shifts. They also give me all their hours- so I can have a bigger paycheck.
I have two of the worlds cutest cats, a car to drive, and my house is warm.
I have food in my cupboards and sometimes people doorbell ditch me and leave treats on my porch (who are you?).

I am currently a little obsessed with finding deals on Ebay. I should probably just deactivate my account, but I can't help it.
I feel like I should not be 27-- where did the last 10 years go?
I like decorating/crafting/painting etc. I might not be the best at it but I like it, so whatever.
Even though I spend 80% of my life at work and 10% at school- the other 10% has been quite fun lately. I love surprise visits from friends and especially my girlfriend.
Ice water, blue monster, and diet coke are what keeps me awake all hours of the night and into the day.
I'm usually pretty emo, especially when it's been 3 days since I have had any real sleep. I can be kind of a bitch, but I don't mean it.
Last night Britt brought me delicious pumpkin cookies and today April brought me dinner. My friends are seriously cool. And obviously very kind.

Sometimes I only see how "hard" my life is...or how much I would rather be sleeping. And then I remember all of this stuff and it makes it all worth it. Someday I'll have a real job and sleep at night...at least I hope.

I have a lot to look forward to right now-- but I'm also learning to enjoy the moment. Right now, life is pretty okay. And I'm happier than I have been in years.



Okay, so I don't think I had acne as a teen-- and if I did it obviously didn't bother me since I don't remember. So then tell me why I have acne right now and I'm 27?

For real though. It's getting worse and worse. I can't really afford to go to the dermatologist and last time I went they didn't help anyway. How can I stop this nonsense and start looking like I'm an adult and not a 12-year-old-pre-pubescent teen? HELP!


doubles and homework

  • I've been coming into work a few hours early most nights, making my 8.5 hour shift into 11 or 12 hour shifts. Somehow I seem to forget how miserable working for 12 hours and then going to school for 6 hours can be--and I repeat it. Some of it isn't by choice, obviously. I need a job and I actually need the extra hours. I just wish I had a sugar daddy. Or something cool like that. 
  • I took my social psych exam on Tuesday and since we only meet once a week and the professor was sick one week (and we missed a chapter) I get to do a "take home exam" for extra credit. It's going to take my whole weekend, but at least I'll get paid to do it at work, I guess. 
  • I have so many things I want to craft/decorate/make/color on- so today after my math test I got out all my crafting stuff with the high hopes of getting a few minutes of craft time in. After I got it all out- I didn't want to do it anymore and wrote my social theory paper instead. Smart move, since it's due in 6 hours. I miss the carefree days of crafting and cuddling with my Calv. 
  • Speaking of Calv...everyday when I leave for work/school/anything I just hate to leave Calvie. He follows me around everywhere I go at home and I just feel bad for leaving him. I know he probably just sleeps, eats and poops the entire time I'm gone, but I sure hate leaving. It's nice to have someone love me/be obsessed with me like Calv is...ha
  • It snowed. Tonight. Just barely at work. I have picture proof. Gross. I hate snow.
  • "Fall break" at school is coming up and I couldn't be more ready. I think I'm going to take a snow day for myself tomorrow. I mean, probably not- but I want to so much. Just talking about it makes me so happy. I could use a good 12 hour nap before I come back to work tomorrow. 
  • Just now a trucker came in and said he needed someone to jump his personal car (which was parked across the street--too far for me to leave and go over there)--he asked if he could take my truck. I had never seen the man in my life but decided that even if he stole it, I could probably get a new one. I gave him my keys and off he went. About ten minutes later I have my truck back and my gas tank went from empty to half. People are pretty cool.
So...besides the snow:

Life is good. Basketball starts this month, I get to see Sof, and I get a few days off from school. I think I'll live...


Happiness is...

  • missing math 2 days in a row and still being able to catch on. 
  • sleeping in and missing the most boring class of my life. 
  • cuddling with Calv which he snores up a storm. 
  • getting a random Friday off next week so I can see my gf! 
  • working extra hours whilst getting paid to do math. hours and hours of math. 
  • climbing into a clean bed, after a warm shower, after not sleeping for 36 hours. best.thing.ever.
  • getting to talk to Joey every morning before he goes to school. 
  • getting cute text messages. 
  • cleaning the shit outta my house and then just being able to relax and enjoy it. 
  • listening to music while getting ready. 
  • freshly shaven legs, lotion, and sweats. 
  • pedicures. too bad i'm too poor to get one! 
  • talking to good friends who I haven't spoken to in a while. 
  • better yet...running in to old friends and just catching up (usually at wal-mart or the truck stop)..livin' the dream. 
  • sippin' on ice water, diet coke, or blue monster while cruising around
  • studying my ass off for my social psych exam and feeling like i did well. guess we'll find out on Tuesday. here's to hoping!
  • being busy--but still taking time for myself. 
  • playing planet moolah at the sun coast. so old. 
  • moving on from people (person) i didn't think i'd ever be able to get over. :]
  • hoodies, hot chocolate, and good books. 
  • no snow. not yet anyway!
  • my family. immediate, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc. i really do have a wonderful family. 
  • being sober and not having to have a drink in order to be happy...or function. that's neat. 



Today started out to be a shit show--you know, before the day even started when I was getting off of work at 7am. I could just feel that today wasn't going to be my day. Most Monday's aren't actually "my day". I'm usually so exhausted from the weekend and then working before school, that by the time I actually get to school I just want to cry. 

Today was different. 

As I got to the school an hour before my 9am class so I could continue to study for an important exam tomorrow, I just had this rush of happiness. I'm not sure why or what happened, but I just sat in the classroom by myself and enjoyed the moment. As I was sitting there I couldn't help but think about all the things that have happened over the course of the last 18 months; I couldn't be happier with how things are turning out. Life, although far from perfect, is pretty awesome right now.

Today I'm grateful for so much-- so I will just name a few from today/recently:
  • I got the cutest video of Scout playing with her crazy cat lady birthday card I gave her. It makes really awful cat noises; she loves it...Tia does not. I love that kid. 
  • Calv, even though I want to murder him sometimes when he pees everywhere, is so cuddly and cute today. He hasn't left my side since I've been home. Plus, he's not peeing anywhere right now and he isn't meowing his brains out to go outside. I really do love him so much.
  • I got an 'A' on my latest social theory critical essay. I was surprised because I haven't been doing as well in that class as I would like--I got a 'B+' on my last paper (which I thought was one of my better papers)...so today when I saw the 'A', I was relieved and excited. I really do enjoy that class- it's just over my head sometimes. 
  • I cleaned the shit out of my kitchen. I'm talking get-down-on-my-hands-and-feet, scrub the shit out of it, clean. With the cats, it's hard to keep anything clean for long--so I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts! Now if only I had the motivation to clean the rest of my house. 
  • I'm burning incense, listening to music and getting ready to study for my exam and perhaps write my social theory essay. I love it when I get to do my homework at my house, rather than at work....although, it is pretty nice to get paid to do homework!
  • The weather is literally perfect. I love fall. Sometimes I forget how much I love it because I dread winter so much. But if it could stay fall all year round, I'd be a happy camper!
  • Took (another) family picture yesterday. Joey is obviously the highlight of our family, as he laid across our laps. What a funny dude. I love that kid so much. I'm so grateful that I get to talk to him every morning before he goes off to school.
  • So grateful for my family. I don't see them as often as I'd like, but I sure do love them. Same goes for my friends. I feel like I don't see the people I love very often, but they all mean so much to me. I'm also grateful for a really wonderful, supportive girlfriend. I really couldn't ask for better people in my life. 
So, even the days that start out shitty can turn out to be pretty great. I just need to remember that even though I'm always tired, usually bitchy, and never have enough time, that this will all be worth it. I know that but sometimes it doesn't feel like it. So thanks to everyone who puts up with me even when I'm a hot mess (more often than not). 

Worn out from the weekend

Aren't weekends suppose to be relaxing? Sheesh. I feel like I can never catch a break long enough to sleep for 7 hours in a row. Oh well, at least it was a fun weekend.

  • got to go on a baby road trip to see my gf- it was so nice to just spend a little (very little) time with her. 
  • Scout's birthday party was fabulous. it was fun to see her having so much fun. plus she made out with like 10 Lalaloopsy (?) dolls, a bike, roller skates, and lots of socks. ;) That kid is seriously adorable and I'm happy I got to help celebrate her 4th birthday. 
  • got to spend a little time with my bestie before the b-day party. 
  • took a family pic (another one) on grandma's couch. 
  • slept for 3 hours and now i'm at work
Monday's are my "bitch" days. I seriously get so tired that I just want to cry--and usually do cry. And then I'm an overly emotional bitch and go to bed at 3pm- resulting in waking up at 1am--which makes for an extra long Tuesday. It's a never ending cycle of bitch and it just so happens that Monday's are my breaking point. If only school didn't exist on this day...If only. 


24 hours

One of my most favorite things to do is drive-- and naturally, I love going on road trips. Lately, though, it seems my road trips are much shorter than I would like but still make for a very enjoyable time. On Friday evening I drove to my girlfriends house- hung out for 16 hours and came home. It was one of the best days I have ever had. We didn't do anything spectacular- just hung out. 

I got to see her house, which I fell in love with. Everything about it was so perfect and charming. And beautiful. I seriously want it. Bad. I took pictures, but they don't do it justice. I just walked around and looked at everything because I just couldn't even handle how amazing it was. I can't wait to go back. 

Since I got there late and she was working late, we just went for a drive and listened to music. She showed me some of her favorite places and we just talked and laughed. It was simple and amazing. 

The next morning we went to breakfast at a cute little diner. It was eccentric and delish. I had a BLT and potato spuds (heavenly). After that we went on another drive and she showed me the bars her step-dad owns. Seriously, why didn't I know of any cool bars when I was drinking?! I got ripped off. Oh well, at least I remember these bars and could actually drive away from them. 

That afternoon Sof had to go back to work and I needed to come home (because my baby Calv needs me). It was a short, fun, simple trip and I'm so glad I got to go. I usually don't get Friday nights off work and for some random reason, I had it off--so glad I got to go see Sof's house and just get out of Cedar for a minute. 

Tomorrow is party time! Scout is turning 4 in a couple of days and tomorrow we're celebrating at the park! Plus, my baby sis is in town. Now if only work would hurry and be over. :) 


Rusty Brains

School is essentially kicking my ass. I feel like I've studied more this semester than I have in my entire life/put more work into school than ever before and it seems like I'm not doing as well as I have in the past, with minimal effort.

The last semester I actually attended school was Spring 2010- and I did very well. Besides that, I was drinking in my car before class, had a water bottle of vodka with me in class and spent most weekends in Mesquite and Vegas partying. I didn't exactly have a lot of time dedicated to studying- although somehow I managed to complete my homework, finished a major research project and got all A's and a B.

Now I'm sober, dedicating most of my free time to studying and feel like I'm doing worse than before. How is this even possible? Not sure, but it's buggin'.

I enjoy all of my classes, aside from Adolescent Development...and that's because the professor is a little off his rocker, to say the least. My social theory class and social psychology are the most challenging for me and have required a lot of my time-- and yet I still feel like I could spend every hour of every day studying and it wouldn't be enough time to grasp everything I need to learn.

How do people do this in real life?


On Being Sick:

Life doesn't stop when I'm sick anymore. Damn. Sometimes I miss the days that even when I pretended to be sick, life would stop or even just slow down a little. This week has proven to me that real life never stops--even when I'm sicker than shit.

To prove my theory, I missed one day of work (thanks to wonderful co-workers who stayed long hours) and now I'll be short on my paycheck. This wouldn't matter except that I have bills to pay. I also missed more class than I care to admit. I managed to take 3 exams --don't even wanna know how I did on them, write a couple of papers, and turn in a few assignments.  I also missed a few assignments (I'm hoping they won't ruin my grade) and slept a little longer than I would have liked.

Now that I'm not-so-sick-I-might-die, but rather, I'm sick but dealing with it...I have a lot to catch up on. I hate that part of being sick. The part where you still feel like shit and have to start catching up on everything you missed anyway.

I think it's about time I make a gratitude list because I'm feeling rather "blah":

  • my dad brought me medicine when i was at my worst
  • sof for cleaning my house while she was here for less than 12 hours on her way to SLC
  • my kitties for cuddling me the whole times i was sleeping (3 days total)
  • my co-workers for taking my tuesday night shift. i think i would have died, seriously. thanks guys. 
  • fall weather. i love this time of year. so perfect. 
  • i got a B on my Durkheim paper..the one i thought i'd get an F on..that's cool. 
  • i have a math test and a theory paper due tomorrow-- so glad i feel a little more function for that. 
  • water. is. divine. 
  • cough drops, emergenC and dayquil are my 3 favorite things right now. 
  • shrimp tacos from Del Taco. Yum 
  • planning a trip to see Sof for her birthday in a month or so. so excited. 
  • being ignorant..sometimes I like not knowing the date or time of day...ever. it's kinda nice. haha
  • the weekend is so close i can taste it. while this doesn't necessarily mean i get a real break, i get a break from school and i can finally sleep more than normal. 
  • i get to see sof on saturday night after work for a few hours. i am beyond excited.
  • ben folds five is rocking my world. all day, every day. thanks boys ;)
  • i'm in school, i have a job, and i live by myself. life is good. 
here's to a kickass weekend and a good week next week! 


Grateful: (because today I need to remember this shit)

  • to have a job that pays my bills and that i can do homework while i'm here
  • to be in school again so that  i won't have to work at the above job for life. i hope.
  • for my family. they took me to dinner for a late b-day party tonight. they're fun. 
  • for my house. i really do love where i live and i think it's pretty cute. 
  • my cats. seriously, even though calv is going through his "teenage" years right now..i don't know what i'd do without him. i love him so much. gretch is fine, too. 
  • my friends. even though i'm pretty anti-social, especially now that i'm in school and i don't see them as often as i'd like, i really do love and appreciate all of them. 
  • my girlfriend. she's the sweetest. and she puts up with me. even on days like today when i'm a huge bitch for no reason at all. 
  • my phone. even though usually i just want to throw it at the wall and ignore everyone...i am grateful to have it. if only it didn't also double as my alarm clock. gag. 
  • the weather right now is my favorite. i absolutely love fall. yummm. 
  • energy drinks. without them, i swear i'd be dead right now. 
  • tide pods. seriously, best invention of my life. if you haven't used them, do it. 
  • de-cluttering. i took a loveseat and a huge chair to the dump today (well, my dad did it for me). my house looks so empty--but in a good way. 
  • sleep when i get it. oh my goodness, i always feel so much better after i get 7 hours in a row. i should try and do that more often. 
  • fruit. i went on a fruit kick this week: apples, oranges, peaches, grapes and pears. yum. 

I still don't feel better but at least I know I have a lot going for me. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. I blame hormones and lack of sleep. :)

black feet, crochet youtube and ben folds

I have a million things to do, so why not post on my blog instead? 

My feet are so black. My flip flops make them so gross and I don't even care. I figure, I'm at a truck stop all hours of the night so it probably won't matter. I should do something about it...Perhaps a pedicure is in my future. Doubtful, but maybe. 

Since I suck at crocheting, I watched like 10 youtube videos on it. Of course I didn't bring yarn or a crochet hook so it was pretty pointless, but it did do its job of distracting me from homework. Most of the ladies that post youtube crochet tutorials seem like bitches. They go super fast and act like you're dumb if you don't know what they're talking about. Someday I hope I'm that lady. But I'll add character to the video by letting my cats be in it, too. 

The new Ben Folds Five album is amazing. I haven't been as into Ben lately, but this just did it for me. I seriously love him so much. I want to have his babies someday. But really, he is adorable and brilliant. I will see them when they come to the west coast in the spring/summer of 2013. Trent, Britt and Enna better be ready. 

Also, I got an 'A' on my Marx essay. Yessssss. Now I just wait until Monday to find out how poorly I did on Durkheim. I mean, it's no surprise really..I already know I slaughtered it and failed miserably. Good thing about that class is that the professor drops our lowest score. I'm hoping that I don't suck it up like I did on that one again. School is going really well and I am so grateful that I got to go back. My tired/bitchiness level varies greatly on the day and today (Saturday) seems like a good day to be happy. 


in the middle of a 13 hour shift.

My life is pure chaos. I had class from 8:30am-3pm today- and then came to work at 6pm and I'm here until 7:30am. I wrote the most horrible paper I've ever written and I get to go talk about it at 9am (after not sleeping for 36 hours). I'm sure my life could be worse, but it feels pretty shitty right about now. Mostly I'm tired and my stomach hurts. I need a sugar daddy.


I can do anything for 5 minutes

My lyfe on this lovely Wednesday:

  • work til 7:30am (been here since 8pm on Tuesday)
  • class at 9am until 2pm
  • homework
  • thinking about going on a run...even though i can't run. 
  • more homework
  • WOW Wednesday with April 
  • more homework
  • go to bed at 8pm (in my dreams)

But for real, I don't think I have ever been this tired for this long of a period in my life. And it's not going to get better for at least a year and a half. Good thing I can do anything for "5 minutes" is in my head constantly. I have a lot more 5 minutes to go, but it'll be worth it. I'm not sure where I heard that saying- "I can do anything for (insert amount of time)", but I love it. And I use it all the time. 

So today, I'm saying I can do anything for 30 seconds or I'll probably have a meltdown while reading Durkheim for the 12th hour. 

In happy news, I think I did well on my social psychology exam. I mean, I haven't seen the results but I feel like I knew most of what was going on--and that was surprising. And I'm all caught up in all my other classes (or ahead). This semester is going to be good. I can feel it. 


I am so tired and worn out it's unbelievable. I didn't want to leave my bed today, but I did. Aren't Sunday's supposed to be a day of rest? Seriously? I wish.

Seems like my weekends are busier or just as crazy as during the week. Not okay. I literally might cry any second because I am so tired. I feel like I get 2 hour naps and not nearly often enough to stay sane much longer. On top of it, with Thanksgiving and Christmas coming up I know I'll only be getting busier.

I'm ready to throw in the towel and just be a lifer at the truck stop.

Okay, not really...but I'm getting close. Someone give me a nap and a back rub.


School will be there death of me, if work doesn't beat it.

I'm pooped.

but today was a good day. I got to play with some cute kids, relax with Calv in my bed this morning before school, and I got my homework done. Now to study for tests and shiz next week.

12 more weeks of school, ya'll.


Hormones and stuff

I don't know what's wrong with me the past few days---months, years, whatever... I feel so crazy right now--sometimes in a good way and sometimes in a not-so-good way. I won't go into the "bad" way right now because then I'll just feel even crazier.

The benefit concert on Friday was good. At first I was bummed that it seemed like not many people showed up--people who had committed to showing up, even. But then I found out how much we made and I felt much better about it. Mostly I'm glad that Tia and her kids came and seemed to enjoy themselves. I love them so much.

Just now, a trucker who I have a pretty decent relationship with came in and asked if I have ever been to Off the Cuff. I told him yes, and that I was there on Friday before Off the Cuff for a concert. He said he was too. I asked if he knew Tyler (who the concert was for) and he said, "no, I just went for support because I saw the flyer hanging up out here." I almost started crying (because I'm crazy and hormonal) and told him thanks for coming. I don't know how I didn't see him-probably because I was dancing around with Scout--but I am so touched that someone who had no reason to be there, was there just to help out.

My faith in humanity gets a little stronger every day. Today, despite the "bad" crazy, is a good day and I'm grateful for people.

And since I'm in social theory right now, I definitely agree with Marx---people are good.


Tonight as I was sitting as work, one of the sheriffs (who I happen to give a lot of shit for hanging out all night at the truck stop) came in and asked if I knew I had a flat tire. I didn't believe him, so I went and looked...sure enough, flat as can be. He went out and pumped his gas and I was just going to call my dad in the morning to have him come help me. Yes, I have been shown how to change a tired multiple times. Could I actually do it? No. Do I want to be able to do it? Not really.

Anyway, the sheriff asked if I had a spare tire. I had no idea-- so he looked and luckily I had one. He put my spare tire on and when I tried to pay him (not much), he declined.

1. I'm grateful to live in a small town.
2. I'm grateful for kind people.
3. I'm grateful that even if I'm a bitch sometimes, people are generally good.

Lesson learned: don't be a bitch to the sheriffs. Or anyone, really. ha

Birthday number 27

I turned 27 a couple of days ago. Weird. I had a really good day-- School from 8:30am-8:30pm and then worked a grave that night--but it was a good day. 

Sof gave me some really thoughtful gifts and surprised me with a visit. It was really sweet and I'm so glad that she's in my life. April also gave me a really rad gift. I got to have lunch with my dad- and he gave me some birthday money. I got some phone calls and texts, too. That was nice. I have the best friends and family. 

Although I wasn't thrilled about getting older, my birthday was pretty great. 

No Sleep

School has been in for 2 weeks already! I feel unbelievably tired and so unorganized that it makes me want to give up. At least once a day I feel like I just can't do it---and then I remember how much I want this and how many people have helped me get here. The school part isn't the part that's killing me, either. School is actually going really well....and yes, I know that school in the 2nd week isn't very difficult, so I'm sure that'll get more intense. But for now, it's golden.

The part that's killing me is trying to keep up with everything else. Like work, for instance. Work and I have a love/hate relationship. For the past year I have worked my ass off in order to get my own apartment, everything in the apartment, pay off bills, pay current bills and do tons of fun shit. And I didn't mind working all the time because I didn't really have much else going on. Now that I'm in school full-time and trying to work full-time, most days I'd rather die than go to work. It's not that I hate my job, I just hate not sleeping.

On Wednesday morning when I got home from work at 7:30am, after not sleeping since Monday night, I was on the verge of a breakdown. I chose to miss my 9am class to sleep until noon. My goal was to not miss one class the whole semester---but I just couldn't do it. I figured it'd be better to miss one class than to drop out of school because I was in the psych ward or something. ha

So now I'm left to figure out how to make this work. Part of this is self-inflicted and part of it is unavoidable-- so for the part that I can actually change, it's gonna take some work. For the other part (the one I really don't have control over- aka working), I need a sugar daddy.

On the days where I got sleep the day before I feel great--and even on the other days, I feel very lucky to be able to have a job and be in school. I know a lot of people who would like to be able to go to school and I have been wanting/working for this for a year now...and now that it's here, I realized it's a lot of work. Sometimes I just need to remind myself why I'm going to school and how good it'll be when I finish at SUU. It's been 8+ years in the making and I'm very glad for a chance to finally finish.

In the midst of all this, I'm looking at grad schools, finding out what I need to do to be accepted into said programs, and deciding whether or not to take the GRE. The thought of going to grad school scares me and also excites me! There are some really awesome programs that I'm looking at and if all goes well, I'll start applying next semester/summer.

Today's outlook for sleep: zero. Once I get off work at 7:30am, I head to school until 2pm and then tonight is the benefit concert I've been planning for a month. But then I get to relax with one of my favorite people all day on Saturday.

Life is good-- I just need more sleep. Maybe when I die, right?


one more post before I'm an old maid...literally.

It's Labor Day Weekend and I don't have school tomorrow, so I figured I can justify blogging a little more. On Tuesday I turn 27 years old. How gross is that? I've been freaking out since the day after my birthday last year and now it's finally here. I don't remember many of the birthdays in the last ten years and I'm sure this one will fade just as quickly. For some reason, though, 27 seems awfully old and even older compared to things I have or haven't accomplished. 

This year my favorite memories (yes, this is to help me feel a little better about getting old) are as follows: 
  • Last year on my birthday I was lucky enough to be able to go to Texas. I'm not sure how I managed to do that since I had been out of rehab just a little over a month--but I'm so glad that I did. It was fun to see a new place and enjoy it sober--I wish I could travel more. Someday. 
  • Community Thanksgiving Dinner. It was so much fun to be able to hang out with tons of amazing people on Thanksgiving...and of course I brought cards and carried on the tradition that my family has. 
  • Sub4Santa-- I can't even describe how awesome it was to be a part of this. We intended to help 4 families, but as it turned out, we helped many more. Lots of amazing things happened and it was so cool to be a part of it. 
  • Talking to or seeing Joey everyday. I love that kid so much and I'm lucky that he lives so close. One of my favorite things is to call him early every morning and just say hello. 
  • Getting my own apartment. When I first moved in it was just me, then I got a roomie, and now it's just me and the cats. I am really lucky to be able to have my own place. 
  • Getting Calvin. I'm not sure if the day we got Calv would qualify as a "favorite" memory because I was skeptical and didn't like cats. Turns out, Calv is definitely my favorite thing ever. I really don't know what I would have done over the last year without him!
  • I got to go to TONS of basketball games. 
  • Went to Lagoon a few times with my best friend. I love spur of the moment road trips.
  • I applied to SUU, got re-admitted, was awarded financial aid and am now back in school. I'm not sure why it worked out this year, rather than last, but I am so grateful. I definitely owe a lot of people more than I could ever repay and am so grateful everyday that I get this opportunity. 
  • I celebrated one year of sobriety on April 29! I honestly never thought I would see that day and it seems like a dream sometimes. I am so lucky to have been able to go to rehab. 
  • I'm dating again. Weird but so much fun. I feel so lucky to have the coolest (and lots of other things that I don't feel the need to blog about on here right now) girlfriend. 
  • I can't think of any other "big" things that happened-- but there are so many little things that I'll never forget. I am so grateful to all the wonderful people in my life. I have the best support system in the world and I don't know how I got so lucky. A year ago, fresh out of rehab, I had lots of "dreams" that I never thought would actually come true...turns out, they have and continue to get better! I can't even begin to describe how incredibly happy I am right now. Life is really the best it's ever been and it just keeps getting better. 
So, even though I'm being a baby about turning 27, I am also a tiny bit excited to see what life will bring over the next year. Even if life isn't half as wonderful as it was over the last year, I'll still be sitting pretty good. 

Thanks to all my friends and family for helping to make this last year a great one and here's to another great year ahead. Today, as I was talking to one of the people that I respect the most in the whole world, I remembered that life really is fragile and it's important to do the things we want to do now. Don't wait, just do it. 


my last post for a while

Well, the second day of school ended hours ago. So far, I love it. I love learning and I love doing the work--however, school is already kicking my graveyard working ass. It's 3am and I feel like I might die...and I get to go to school instead of bed when I get off work in 4 1/2 hours. It's good though. Really, really good. I love it.

I don't think there has ever been a semester where I was this excited about all of my classes. I did drop one class because 18 credits was a little overwhelming with working full-time--I plan to take it next semester because the professor is awesome! I even like my math professor--and that's saying something.

I have a lot to be grateful for and even though I'm a tired, grouchy, bitch most days-- I feel very lucky to be where I am today.

So for now, I'm off to study land.

16 months sober!



last night being a bum

Tonight is it. Tonight is the last night of me working, sleeping and playing. In 9 hours I start school again--and I'll be working until that happens. I can't even believe that everything worked out and that I'm actually going to be starting school in the morning. It seems like a dream, which I'm sure at some point will seem more like a nightmare. But I'm really grateful for this dream/nightmare/experience...whatever it is, I'm so happy about it.

I'm going to be a busy lady- working my normal 42.5 hours a week and 18 credits in school. I can't say that I'll be bored. I'm really excited for most of my classes. Here's my sched in case anyone wants to stalk me:

  • Social Theory- gag (But...since my major is sociology, I guess that's what I signed up for...) 
  • Math- double gag. (I also have to do this in order to graduate. Poop.)
  • Adolescent Development- really excited for this one! I've wanted to take this class for a long time!
  • Social Psychology- no idea how I feel about it because I've never heard anything about it. 
  • Intro to Counseling and Psychotherapy- I wasn't excited about this class until about 10 minutes ago. I think it'll be good for me to explore more career options. 
  • Experiential Education/Community Proposal -aka University 1000 (I already took Unvi 1000 9 years ago when I was a freshman...and now they changed the name, so I get to take it again to graduate. Shouldn't be bad at all, though.) 
If all goes well (as in if I pass my classes) I will graduate in December 2013. That might seem like a long time to most people...but for me that's the light at the end of the seemingly never ending tunnel called SUU. It took a lot of work and time to get back into school and get financial aid all set up and I couldn't have done it without lots of help from Tia and my advisor. I'm so grateful that everything is working out! 

Now for my last night of freedom I'm going to enjoy it with some Grey's Anatomy or something cool like that. I probably won't be updating on here much---but peace and love. 

Oh and life rocks right now. I hope I never forget that hard work and being patient really does pay off--maybe not right when I want it or when I think I need it, but it does. I have never done any of this on my own before and it feels pretty great. 


no life

  • I have been obsessed with Grey's Anatomy for a couple of weeks and I'm almost done with season 5. There are 7 seasons of it on Netflix and I don't know what I'll do when it'd over. ha 
  • School starts in less than a week...so I guess that's exactly what I'll be doing instead of Grey's. I'm taking 18 credits of upper division classes. I couldn't be more excited. I'm only taking one class that I already know I hate--because I've taken it twice already and dropped it. Too bad I have to have it to graduate. Stupid Social Theory. 
  • I'm planning a benefit concert currently and I'm really excited about it. Mostly I want it to be here so that I can stop stressing about it and trying to make everything perfect. Today I'm not going to worry about it because I know it'll all work out anyway. 
  • I learned how to convert youtube songs into iTunes. Heaven. 
  • I'm making a colorful afghan and it makes me happy. It's so bright. 
  • I don't have to work on Friday or Saturday. I'm not sure what I'm doing right now because there's a few things going on all in different places. Oh, decisions. 
  • I have only slept about 3 hours a day for the past 3 or 4 days and it's finally catching up to me. I have a million zits, I'm on my period, and I feel/look like death. I hope that I'm not such a hot mess when school starts...but, lets be real-- it can only get worse. ha 
  • When I get off work in 3 hours, I have a day off. I plan to clean all day and then hopefully get some sleep during "regular" people sleeping hours. We'll see how that works out.
  • It's been raining so hard all night and I love it. I'm glad the power didn't go out though.
  • Calv is still the best kitty in the world. 
Here's to maybe getting a life when school starts. 


School starts in a week and a half, I just had an amazing weekend, and I get the day off as soon as I leave work. Life is really, really good right now. I would write more...but I'd probably jinx it if I did that.

I'm happy.


Whelp, today was my day off but here I am sitting at work. It's cool though because now I get 3 days off in a row! I love it when that happens. I've got a fun, for the most part, weekend coming up and I'm stoked about it! I'm trying to get all my fun time in before school starts because that's not gonna be happening anymore. I'm trying to jam-pack in as much as I can before school gets into full swing. Too bad I mostly just want to sleep....


Okay, so here's the deal: April is my best friend. We have been friends for a very long time. April is not gay; she has been married or in a relationship with a dude the entire time I've known her. I am gay. So how are we friends, you ask? Easy...just like you have friends. We hang out, laugh, talk, care about each other...the way everyone else has friends. So why then is everyone so concerned about April and I hanging out? Not sure. For a while it was funny but it's seriously getting a little old now. 

Ty (April's boyfriend whom she lives with) is not a "cover-up". He is in fact her boyfriend and I hope that they get married and have lots of mini Ape's and mini Ty's so that I can be their pretend aunt. April is like a sister to me and I hope that we're friends forever. We fight like my sister and fight and I care about her like I care about my sister, too. This does not mean we are in love with each other and having a secret lesbian relationship. 

I, on the other hand, am single. I am openly gay and if I were to be in a relationship, it would not be a secret. My family knows that I'm gay, my friends know I'm gay, and I don't hide it. Sure, I don't wear rainbows everyday and wear a sign that says, "I'm gay"...but I'm not ashamed of it, either. 

I think it's a little comical that so many people act so awkward around April and I, mostly recently. The people that really know us or anything about us, know we're not dating. We've also found that no matter what we actually tell people, they believe what they want to believe. So take it or leave it, but April is not my girlfriend. Yes- I love April and I care about her. No- I'm not in love with April and we're not in a secret relationship. 

Thanks for the laughs, guys. :) I'll keep you posted if anything changes in regard to April's sexuality. ha ha

all things considered...

My anxiety level is low right now.

Today while April and her dad were driving up and back from Salt Lake I felt like I was going to die. I was seriously so worried about them---for no real reason except that I donno what I'd do if anything happened to Ape.

They made it home safely and April & I had dinner together. I felt a little ridiculous for being so worried, but whatever. Such is life, I guess.

I never want anyone to die. Ever. Thanks.


Sometimes making a "grateful" list helps me feel better about life.

  • I get off work in an hour.
  • I get to cuddle with my kitties all day. 
  • My dad. He's the best dad in the world. 
  • Joey Bear. Best brother ever. 
  • My mom. She gives me (outdated) canned food--and lots of other stuff. :) 
  • My sister, Enna. She has the biggest heart and is accomplishing so much right now. So proud. 
  • My brother, Buddy. He's intelligent, kind, and hardworking. 
  • April- best friend a gal could have. Love doesn't even describe how much I love her. 
  • My grandparents-both sides. They're all rad. 
  • Tia, Tyler, and their adorable kids. So lucky to know them. I love them all so much. 
  • Shan. She is the best listener/advice giver/friend. I love her to the max. 
  • Taunya-crazy, fun, and I just love her. 
  • HHW & the staff that let me come hang out. And all the women that currently live there. 
  • To be sober. Sometimes I wonder how I'm sober still...
  • To be starting school in less than a month! So stoked, nervous, and grateful for another chance. 
  • Good things happening for good people I know. 
  • Sof is coming to visit me soon. :) 
  • I get to take a class from Shob. I love her a lot. 
  • New computer so I can whip out some serious homework. And of course fun shit. 
  • A job...

I'm still angry that horrible things happen to good people. I will (probably) never be okay with it and I'll probably never know why that happens. I know that this is life and bad things happen, but why? It just doesn't seem fair. 

The past week and the coming week are filled with mixed emotions. It's actually pretty confusing. I mean, I should be so happy with all these wonderful things happening for me but I'm heartbroken at the same time. How do people do this shit without drinking????


RIP Dell

Today when I woke up my dad and I went computer shopping and found one that I love. I'm a little sad to say bye to Dell, but it's time. He's been a good sidekick for the last 5 years and now he'll make a good computer for Joe Bear. My new computer is currently nameless but I'm sure we'll come up with something quite soon.

Today someone texted me asking about something happening on Friday and Saturday. Turns out I had no idea it was Thursday and I was confused as to why they were already asking about it. I guess it's Friday now. That's weird.


On Tuesday I found out some very heartbreaking news and have been thinking a lot about how fragile life is. Some people that I love with all my heart are going through a very difficult time right now. I don't want to get into details on here because it's not my business to do so and it's not my place to share personal details about others. I just wish there was something I could do to make everything okay. I hate to see people that I love and care about hurting.

I know that everything happens for a reason, but sometimes I think it's fucked up that horrible things happen to the best people I know. There are lots of random people that I love and care about but this is an entire family that I just adore. They are all so kind to everyone and have definitely been a huge part of my life over the last 15 months. I can't think of a greater family in the world and I'm so grateful for all of them. I just hope that they will find peace...I know they will, because they are amazing. I'm so blessed to have such wonderful examples of strength and hope in my life.

Also, big thanks to my own family for helping me yesterday. It means the world to me that my family cares about people that I love as much I do, even if they don't really know them well. And thanks to my bestie for letting me be a hot mess-- she's amazing.


Cloud 9

Since I found out I could get financial aid and go back to SUU I couldn't sleep today. In fact, I can't even stop smiling! I am so happy and so ready for this. For the first time ever, I feel like I'm actually being someone I want to be and I'm doing the work to get there instead of relying on other people to do it for me. 

Not only is school happening, my whole life just keeps getting better and better. I have the worlds greatest friends, the coolest cats on earth and my relationship with my family is the best it's ever been. Plus, there's a girl that I quite enjoy. So many things are happening that I never thought would happen. 

I'm a happy camper. Right now I feel like I'm living a dream and I'm just waiting for someone to slap me awake. 


best day, ever.

I don't think I've ever been as happy as I am right now. My financial aid has been approved and I will be attending SUU in the fall...as in, I start in less than a month! I wrote my appeal letter, met with an awesome advisor and had some awesome letters of recommendation (Thanks guys) turned in and I have just been waiting for 2 weeks to hear back. For the first three days I was literally making myself sick over it. I was going crazy! I finally decided that I did everything I could do and that no matter how much I obsessed or worried over it, it wouldn't change the outcome. I focused on other things and tried to enjoy life; I guess it worked because I didn't even check to SUU website for 4 days-and I just randomly decided to check it this morning! 

I feel so happy right now it's unreal. Just last week I was crying to someone about how drinking was way cooler than sober life. The only thing that she told me was that I'll never know what can happen if I give up now. I kind of rolled my eyes and thought she was nuts...I wanted to prove her wrong by staying sober and having a shitty life for just a while longer. Turns out, she was right and things continue to get better. Not only with school, but in all aspects of my life.
I am genuinely happy and feel so blessed to have the opportunity to go back to school for the 3480234 time! Hopefully this is the beginning of the end. 


Today I read this quote somewhere that was like "hell will be when we die and meet the person we could have been" or something like that. For some reason, it really struck me. I mean, right now, for the first time in a long time I sorta like myself. I'm trying to do things that make a difference, I'm doing things that make me happy, and I'm trying to better my life. BUT, there are still things that I could be doing more of in order to be who I want to be...

I really like that I get to choose who I become. I think that's probably the coolest thing about life- we get to decide. Sure, I didn't get to decide who my parents are, where I was born, or that I'd be an alcoholic...but I get to decide where I'm going, what I'm doing, and who I want to spend my time with now. That's pretty awesome.

Last summer I was just getting out of rehab and I was  scared as hell. I had no money, no friends, and no house. It was definitely a summer of learning and growing. Looking back I'm grateful that shit happened the way it did, but I don't know that I would ever want to do it again. It was hard and, at times, unpleasant. I was dealing with the loss of an important relationship, moving back to Cedar City, and moving out on my own for the first time in my life. I think I cried every single day. At least once.

Well, shit got better... This summer has been one of the greatest times of my life up to this point...at least that I can remember (I'm sure I had some amazing childhood summers, too). I have many relationships that are important to me, I don't mind living in Cedar City, and I have a cute little house that I get to live in by myself. I have done so many fun things this summer that I have wanted to do for a long time, I'm (finally) over the relationship that I thought I'd never get over, and I'm learning to live life as it comes instead of planning every little detail. Life is enjoyable and I'm super glad that I get to do so many cool things.

I can only hope that in a year from now I'll be writing about how I never knew life could get even better! But, for now, I'll just keep enjoying the cool shit happening right now.