my last post for a while

Well, the second day of school ended hours ago. So far, I love it. I love learning and I love doing the work--however, school is already kicking my graveyard working ass. It's 3am and I feel like I might die...and I get to go to school instead of bed when I get off work in 4 1/2 hours. It's good though. Really, really good. I love it.

I don't think there has ever been a semester where I was this excited about all of my classes. I did drop one class because 18 credits was a little overwhelming with working full-time--I plan to take it next semester because the professor is awesome! I even like my math professor--and that's saying something.

I have a lot to be grateful for and even though I'm a tired, grouchy, bitch most days-- I feel very lucky to be where I am today.

So for now, I'm off to study land.

16 months sober!



last night being a bum

Tonight is it. Tonight is the last night of me working, sleeping and playing. In 9 hours I start school again--and I'll be working until that happens. I can't even believe that everything worked out and that I'm actually going to be starting school in the morning. It seems like a dream, which I'm sure at some point will seem more like a nightmare. But I'm really grateful for this dream/nightmare/experience...whatever it is, I'm so happy about it.

I'm going to be a busy lady- working my normal 42.5 hours a week and 18 credits in school. I can't say that I'll be bored. I'm really excited for most of my classes. Here's my sched in case anyone wants to stalk me:

  • Social Theory- gag (But...since my major is sociology, I guess that's what I signed up for...) 
  • Math- double gag. (I also have to do this in order to graduate. Poop.)
  • Adolescent Development- really excited for this one! I've wanted to take this class for a long time!
  • Social Psychology- no idea how I feel about it because I've never heard anything about it. 
  • Intro to Counseling and Psychotherapy- I wasn't excited about this class until about 10 minutes ago. I think it'll be good for me to explore more career options. 
  • Experiential Education/Community Proposal -aka University 1000 (I already took Unvi 1000 9 years ago when I was a freshman...and now they changed the name, so I get to take it again to graduate. Shouldn't be bad at all, though.) 
If all goes well (as in if I pass my classes) I will graduate in December 2013. That might seem like a long time to most people...but for me that's the light at the end of the seemingly never ending tunnel called SUU. It took a lot of work and time to get back into school and get financial aid all set up and I couldn't have done it without lots of help from Tia and my advisor. I'm so grateful that everything is working out! 

Now for my last night of freedom I'm going to enjoy it with some Grey's Anatomy or something cool like that. I probably won't be updating on here much---but peace and love. 

Oh and life rocks right now. I hope I never forget that hard work and being patient really does pay off--maybe not right when I want it or when I think I need it, but it does. I have never done any of this on my own before and it feels pretty great. 


no life

  • I have been obsessed with Grey's Anatomy for a couple of weeks and I'm almost done with season 5. There are 7 seasons of it on Netflix and I don't know what I'll do when it'd over. ha 
  • School starts in less than a week...so I guess that's exactly what I'll be doing instead of Grey's. I'm taking 18 credits of upper division classes. I couldn't be more excited. I'm only taking one class that I already know I hate--because I've taken it twice already and dropped it. Too bad I have to have it to graduate. Stupid Social Theory. 
  • I'm planning a benefit concert currently and I'm really excited about it. Mostly I want it to be here so that I can stop stressing about it and trying to make everything perfect. Today I'm not going to worry about it because I know it'll all work out anyway. 
  • I learned how to convert youtube songs into iTunes. Heaven. 
  • I'm making a colorful afghan and it makes me happy. It's so bright. 
  • I don't have to work on Friday or Saturday. I'm not sure what I'm doing right now because there's a few things going on all in different places. Oh, decisions. 
  • I have only slept about 3 hours a day for the past 3 or 4 days and it's finally catching up to me. I have a million zits, I'm on my period, and I feel/look like death. I hope that I'm not such a hot mess when school starts...but, lets be real-- it can only get worse. ha 
  • When I get off work in 3 hours, I have a day off. I plan to clean all day and then hopefully get some sleep during "regular" people sleeping hours. We'll see how that works out.
  • It's been raining so hard all night and I love it. I'm glad the power didn't go out though.
  • Calv is still the best kitty in the world. 
Here's to maybe getting a life when school starts. 


School starts in a week and a half, I just had an amazing weekend, and I get the day off as soon as I leave work. Life is really, really good right now. I would write more...but I'd probably jinx it if I did that.

I'm happy.


Whelp, today was my day off but here I am sitting at work. It's cool though because now I get 3 days off in a row! I love it when that happens. I've got a fun, for the most part, weekend coming up and I'm stoked about it! I'm trying to get all my fun time in before school starts because that's not gonna be happening anymore. I'm trying to jam-pack in as much as I can before school gets into full swing. Too bad I mostly just want to sleep....


Okay, so here's the deal: April is my best friend. We have been friends for a very long time. April is not gay; she has been married or in a relationship with a dude the entire time I've known her. I am gay. So how are we friends, you ask? Easy...just like you have friends. We hang out, laugh, talk, care about each other...the way everyone else has friends. So why then is everyone so concerned about April and I hanging out? Not sure. For a while it was funny but it's seriously getting a little old now. 

Ty (April's boyfriend whom she lives with) is not a "cover-up". He is in fact her boyfriend and I hope that they get married and have lots of mini Ape's and mini Ty's so that I can be their pretend aunt. April is like a sister to me and I hope that we're friends forever. We fight like my sister and fight and I care about her like I care about my sister, too. This does not mean we are in love with each other and having a secret lesbian relationship. 

I, on the other hand, am single. I am openly gay and if I were to be in a relationship, it would not be a secret. My family knows that I'm gay, my friends know I'm gay, and I don't hide it. Sure, I don't wear rainbows everyday and wear a sign that says, "I'm gay"...but I'm not ashamed of it, either. 

I think it's a little comical that so many people act so awkward around April and I, mostly recently. The people that really know us or anything about us, know we're not dating. We've also found that no matter what we actually tell people, they believe what they want to believe. So take it or leave it, but April is not my girlfriend. Yes- I love April and I care about her. No- I'm not in love with April and we're not in a secret relationship. 

Thanks for the laughs, guys. :) I'll keep you posted if anything changes in regard to April's sexuality. ha ha

all things considered...

My anxiety level is low right now.

Today while April and her dad were driving up and back from Salt Lake I felt like I was going to die. I was seriously so worried about them---for no real reason except that I donno what I'd do if anything happened to Ape.

They made it home safely and April & I had dinner together. I felt a little ridiculous for being so worried, but whatever. Such is life, I guess.

I never want anyone to die. Ever. Thanks.


Sometimes making a "grateful" list helps me feel better about life.

  • I get off work in an hour.
  • I get to cuddle with my kitties all day. 
  • My dad. He's the best dad in the world. 
  • Joey Bear. Best brother ever. 
  • My mom. She gives me (outdated) canned food--and lots of other stuff. :) 
  • My sister, Enna. She has the biggest heart and is accomplishing so much right now. So proud. 
  • My brother, Buddy. He's intelligent, kind, and hardworking. 
  • April- best friend a gal could have. Love doesn't even describe how much I love her. 
  • My grandparents-both sides. They're all rad. 
  • Tia, Tyler, and their adorable kids. So lucky to know them. I love them all so much. 
  • Shan. She is the best listener/advice giver/friend. I love her to the max. 
  • Taunya-crazy, fun, and I just love her. 
  • HHW & the staff that let me come hang out. And all the women that currently live there. 
  • To be sober. Sometimes I wonder how I'm sober still...
  • To be starting school in less than a month! So stoked, nervous, and grateful for another chance. 
  • Good things happening for good people I know. 
  • Sof is coming to visit me soon. :) 
  • I get to take a class from Shob. I love her a lot. 
  • New computer so I can whip out some serious homework. And of course fun shit. 
  • A job...

I'm still angry that horrible things happen to good people. I will (probably) never be okay with it and I'll probably never know why that happens. I know that this is life and bad things happen, but why? It just doesn't seem fair. 

The past week and the coming week are filled with mixed emotions. It's actually pretty confusing. I mean, I should be so happy with all these wonderful things happening for me but I'm heartbroken at the same time. How do people do this shit without drinking????


RIP Dell

Today when I woke up my dad and I went computer shopping and found one that I love. I'm a little sad to say bye to Dell, but it's time. He's been a good sidekick for the last 5 years and now he'll make a good computer for Joe Bear. My new computer is currently nameless but I'm sure we'll come up with something quite soon.

Today someone texted me asking about something happening on Friday and Saturday. Turns out I had no idea it was Thursday and I was confused as to why they were already asking about it. I guess it's Friday now. That's weird.


On Tuesday I found out some very heartbreaking news and have been thinking a lot about how fragile life is. Some people that I love with all my heart are going through a very difficult time right now. I don't want to get into details on here because it's not my business to do so and it's not my place to share personal details about others. I just wish there was something I could do to make everything okay. I hate to see people that I love and care about hurting.

I know that everything happens for a reason, but sometimes I think it's fucked up that horrible things happen to the best people I know. There are lots of random people that I love and care about but this is an entire family that I just adore. They are all so kind to everyone and have definitely been a huge part of my life over the last 15 months. I can't think of a greater family in the world and I'm so grateful for all of them. I just hope that they will find peace...I know they will, because they are amazing. I'm so blessed to have such wonderful examples of strength and hope in my life.

Also, big thanks to my own family for helping me yesterday. It means the world to me that my family cares about people that I love as much I do, even if they don't really know them well. And thanks to my bestie for letting me be a hot mess-- she's amazing.