TGIF gratitude list...

  • Today is Friday!!! I love the weekends...even if I work a lot and stuff. 
  • My kitten just melts my heart. I love him so much. And to think someone just abandoned him makes me wanna freak out..but instead, I'll just love the shit out of Calv. He's so sweet.
  • My dad. :) He always remembers stuff like "5 months sober" and stuff. Even when I forget, he always remembers. I'm very grateful for that. And for him. He's my hero. I love you, Dad. 
  • My grandparents. Tannie brought them to see my new pad today. :) Grateful they are in my life. 
  • AA/NA- I went to a meeting tonight, just because. I got to see that my life is pretty damn good. I'm grateful for all the people I've met in the fellowship and that I have a great support system. 
  • My house. It's cute and cozy. I'm happy that I get to live there. Awesome!
  • I have a job! wahoooo. 
  • My life is pretty damn good today. I'm grateful for all of it. For realz.

"Rejection is gods way of saying wrong drirection"

Couldn't have said it better myself. I don't know who said that and I guess I don't really care. For me, it's true. I guess I need to just keep doin' what I'm doing and things will work out how they are supposed to. I love having control and lets be real, that doesn't usually work for me. So here's to letting go and "letting God". Good luck, HP!

5 months sober today. Wow.

I never thought this day would come. The last 5 months is pretty much a blur of craziness. Thanks to everyone who has helped me along the way. I love you.

Most of all, I'm grateful for my HP.

Time to celebrate!


:) grateful

  • today i'm grateful that i have supportive people in my life
  • i'm grateful for Joey and Enna
  • Calvin rocks.
  • my group at HHW. they make life interesting and once i actually get to group, i kinda like it.
  • i'm grateful for my roomie. my house is a lot less lonely now. 
  • i'm grateful to have a job. a pretty rad job, at that.
  • i'm grateful for people who call me on my shit. even if it sucks.
  • i'm grateful to be sober.
  • i'm grateful that i get to sleep in tomorrow. yay. 
  • i'm grateful that i got plenty of sleep yesterday. 
  • i'm grateful that i get to go to an NA meeting tomorrow. 
  • i'm grateful for my friends and fam.
  • i'm grateful to be alive!

my shit list followed by my gratitude list....go figure.

  • i miss you. a lot.
  • i am lonely.
  • i have a broken heart.
  • i'm sober so i can't numb the pain. 
  • sometimes being sober sucks.
the good news is:
  • i won't wake up feeling like i'm gonna die..even if i want to die.
  • i adopted a cat. he doesn't take away my loneliness or my ache for you, but it's worth a shot.
  • i have a rad roomie to hang out with.
  • i can cry to my counselor about you and not feel so crazy for doing so.
  • i have 4 months and 30 days sober today. wow. 
  • i have a great support group of friends that understand me.
  • i haven't been in a drunken fight today. or the past almost 5 months. 
  • i get to be responsible. 
  • i have an HP who knows what's up.

Today kinda kicked my ass. Luckily, I got to talk to someone I know cares about me and who wants the very best for me. I told myself I wasn't gonna cry; that never works. Ya know...I've cried more this year than I can ever remember. I guess that's part of all this being "in recovery" shit. I hate crying. And I hate missing you. I guess such is life.

Maybe tomorrow will be a little more upbeat.


tuesday gratitude attitude

  • NA/AA
  • One Tree Hill marathons with the roomie
  • day off!
  • sleep
  • the delicious dinner my mom made for me
  • Lily calling to show me how she can bark like a dog.
  • catchin' up with good friends
  • laughing
  • perfect weather.
  • adopting a kitten today
  • being happy :)

monday, funday graditude list

  • Mt. Dew
  • My phone
  • iTunes
  • Chapstick
  • Joey
  • Grandpa and Grandma- got to eat din with them.
  • Second (and third and forth and fifth) chances.
  • Real love. 
  • My day off that will be starting at 7:30am. SLEEEEEEP!
  • Scrabble/Words with Friends. Saves me from a lot of boredom at work.
  • You. 
  • Knowing that my HP is in control. Not me. Thankfully.
  • Showering. 
  • HHW
  • The zit on my nose...for teaching my patience. 
  • Old songs that bring back floods of memories. Mostly good memories. 
  • Good hair days. Although today doesn't happen to be one of those days....perhaps tomorrow.
  • LOVE. Love. love. 
  • "Marry Me" by Train...
  • Sleep. My bed/couch. 


just a little love note

Okay, lets get this straight..

Have any of you noticed that your straight friends try to hook you up with any other gay person they come in contact with? Well, I have a solution. Send them this letter. Good luck!

Dear ________ (insert any straight friend you have here),

Thank you for caring about me and wanting me to be happy. You're the bomb. For real. There are just a few things I'd like you to know:
  • Just because I'm single doesn't mean that I'm miserable. I'm not. 
  • I'm glad you have another gay friend...good for you. I do not want you to hook me up with every gay person you come in contact with. 
  • I don't want to hear about your sex life. I won't tell if you don't. And even if you do, I won't. 
  • I'm just me. You don't need to introduce me as "your gay friend". I'm just a human.
  • I do not have a crush on you. Trust me. You're my friend.
  • I do not think every girl I see is hot. 
  • I don't want to hook up with your gay cousin while they're in town. (well maybe sometimes)
  • No. I will not kiss you  because you're "curious". 
Thanks again for trying to be helpful; you're a peach. Now, run along, and go find a boyfriend while I listen to music and drink coffee, alone. 

Love always,
"your gay friend" __________ (insert your name)

P.S. I have a friend I want you to meet! He's so great and he's straight. Perfect!

for you i'll always wait..

She is my rock and my rolling thunder I've been the spell she was under I, I love that girl
She is my cigarettes and champagne She's got me strung but I'm not running I, I love that girl I, I love that girl
She is the days I can't get over She is the nights that I call home endlessly For you I'll always wait
Caught in the waves of hesitation Lost in the sea of my own doubt endlessly For you I'll always wait For you I'll always wait
She is the flame and the fire she's raging I've been the spark and the war she's waging I, I love that girl
She came along and she spoke so sweetly Changed everything, took my heart completely I, I love that girl I, I love that girl
She is the days I can't get over She is the nights that I call home endlessly For you I'll always wait
Caught in the waves of hesitation Lost in the sea of my own doubt endlessly For you I'll always wait
And the city buzz and empty cars It's 3 a.m. I wonder where you are And the crooked smiles and worn out miles between us Now I wonder where you are
She is the days I can't get over She is the nights that I call home endlessly For you I'll always wait
Caught in the waves of hesitation Lost in the sea of my own doubt endlessly For you I'll always wait For you I'll always wait For you I'll always wait

just another grateful sundayyyyy

  • I'm grateful that my house is cleaned up and decorated. It's cute and homey now. I like it. 
  • I'm grateful that I got some sleep today. I feel refreshed and ready to be at work all night. Thank heavens. 
  • I'm grateful that I get to spend time with my grandparents and mother tomorrow for our Gin Rummy card date. ( is that how you spell that?)
  • I'm grateful that I got to spend time with my sister today, even if it was a trip to Wal-Mart. 
  • I'm grateful that I got to hug Joey 3 different times today. I'm lucky to have him. 
  • I'm grateful that I'm getting a few extra hours at work this week. Overtime is a good thing for my paycheck. 
  • I'm grateful that my neighbors are so friendly. They've been very kind. 
  • I'm grateful for food. This morning I made a bomb ass egg sandwich for breakfast. Yum. 
  • I'm grateful that my dad drove me to work. Again. 
  • I'm grateful for Max and Lilly. I haven't seen them for a long time but they have a special place in my heart. I've been thinking about them a lot lately. Time to make a visit to SLC to see them!
  • I'm grateful for my grandparents in Florida. I don't see them often, but they are two of the most caring and loving people I know. 
  • I'm grateful for love.
  • I'm grateful that I'm Polynesian. What would life even be like if I were white?! Can't imagine!


Recovery Day!

Last Thursday was Recovery Day down in St. George. Lindsey and I decided to head down there for some sober fun! There were booths and free food everywhere, along with a live band. It was fun to go and see what all the sober folk do. We got a free ride on the carousel, too!

They had a face painting booth that we pretty much took over! I painted "SOBER" on a few different people and then parents were asking me to paint their children...so I took off! I didn't wanna scar any young children with my amazing artistic abilities.

Anyway, I'm glad we go to go--big thanks to Lindsey's parents for letting us borrow "Belle". She ran like a champ!

picture dump and random shiz

It's been a minute since I did a "life update", so here it is: Life is good! I've been staying fairly busy with work and sleeping with some fun stuff on the side, too. Here are some pictures from my phone...they pretty much sum up what I've been up to lately! Hanging out with Lily, Joey, and Bearzie dog. 
I found out a couple of days ago that my gramps has cancer. Again. He'll find out whether or not they will be doing chemo/radiology in the next couple of weeks. Please keep him in your prayers. I love my grandpa so much and I don't want him to have to go through all of this for the 3rd time. He is an amazing example to me though and has been positive--I guess he knows a little more about life than I do. Regardless of what happens, I know that my HP knows what's up and will take care of my grandpa. I love you, Grandpa.
I got to see my aunt Leslie a couple of weeks ago for the first time in a long time. We didn't get to chat for long, but it was very nice to see her and see how well she is doing. Last November both her daughter (my cousin) and her husband (my uncle) passed away. I donno how she has such a positive attitude with all she's been through. Her strength amazes me and I'm grateful that I have her support in my new journey down recovery lane. 
Anyway, I guess that's good for the update...now onto the fun part. Enjoy!
Lily chillin' outside...
Cute baby Lily
Joey all tuckered out from babysitting Bear and Lily
Joey and Bear=BFF's
Little gangsters
Me, Lily, Bearzie
Cute! My 3 fav's.

grateful, grateful, grateful...

  1. I got to hug Joey after his big game (as CHS football team manager). They won! YAY!
  2. My mom learned to text. Weird, but cool. Keep it up mom. Same to you, dad...
  3. I have a job...even though it's 1:40am and I'm tired, I know it could be worse. Could always, always be  worse. 
  4. For good friends who care about me. I care about you guys, too. 
  5. To be sober. Still. One day at a time. 
  6. To be alive! And that I get to enjoy new things everyday. 
  7. For fall. I think this just may very well be my favorite time of the year. It's perfect outside, not too hot and not tooooooo cold. Just perfect. I love the pretty colors, the delicious smells, and the coziness of it all. 
  8. That today is Saturday! Not sure why it matters, but I like the weekends. 
  9. I get to go to the women's AA meeting today. I haven't been in over a month and I'm excited to go back. It's my favorite meeting of the week, by far. 
  10. My dad let me drive his car to work tonight. And lots of other times. But I really am grateful for all my dad does for me.
  11. That I get to live life on life's terms and that I don't need (or get) to control everything. Just rollin' with the punches...or something like that. 
  12. Coffee. I can't tell you how much I hated coffee until I started this job. Now we just have a love/hate relationship. It boils down to this: it keeps me awake= I get to keep my job= I guess I love coffee. 
  13. The creepy (lonely) old trucker who "puts his teeth in" to come visit me. He really is a sweet old guy. 
  14. To have a roomie who supports my sobriety and is in recovery herself! Awesome. 
  15. For Ape Dog. :) 
  16. For Lappie (my computer)...oh how I'd die of boredom without it. 
  17. My family lives close to me. I really missed them when I lived in Las Vegas. I'm glad to be closer to them.
  18. My boss. He's pretty cool. And he lets me do whatever I want as long as I get my shit done. Talk about a sweet gig. 
  19. Corinne! Love that girl. 
  20. I'm grateful that my grateful list for today is complete. 
See ya tomorrow for another fun-filled gratitude list, ya'll.

Are YOU grateful? tell me about it...


feedback...gotta love it.

So...for part of my "rehab experience", I get to attend a weekly group and we talk about stuff. You know, just regular stuff- who is dating who, sober sex/relationships, work, school, relapses, etc. Well I guess I was just having a shit fest this last week because the only thing I was advised to do was write a gratitude list.

Hmmm. At first I was a little put out. Why on earth would I make a gratitude list right now? (This happened on Wednesday) It is now early Friday morning and here I am, pondering...at work. And after only like 4 seconds of thinking, I decided that the feedback was correct. So here I am and here is my gratitude list for today:

  • my sobriety- and all the wonderful people who have helped me get here without killing me first.
  • my H.P. - for giving me so many wonderful opportunities
  • my fam - we don't always see eye to eye, but I know they love and support me and I love them all so much. 
  • my wonderful sponsor- she's always keeping me on my toes and helping me see things differently. 
  • the fact that i have a job and that i can blog about things i'm grateful for while i'm working. awesome!
  • my group- it's a random bunch of people that i would have never dreamed of being friends with, but they all help me in different ways and i'm very grateful that i have them in my life.
  • my cute little house. and all the people involved in helping me get into it. and for all the donations of stuff to make it my home. the latest was bowls from Britt Face! Thank you. :)
  • i'm grateful that i got to go to recovery day in St. George today. Thanks Jazz (and parents). It was fun!!! Yeahhhhh yeah yeahhhhhhh yeah (oh Jack)
  • i'm grateful that Jazz is gonna be my roomie! no more hermit status for me. it'll be good for me. 
  • that i get to spend time with Joey pretty much whenever i want. how awesome! 
  • the fact that i know i could call 20+ people in the middle of the night if i ever need anything. and they will answer. and show up. sweet. 
  • i got a scrabble table! (Thanks Dad!)
  • honesty. people being honest with me and not sugarcoating anything. and the fact that i'm learning to be honest to myself and others, as well.
  • even when i have a shitty day, i know that it's ten times better than it would be if i were to drink to solve my problem. i'm grateful for the things i've learned about myself and just in general.
  • i'm grateful that i got to go to sunday dinner at my parents house. 
  • people trust me with their kids. and they don't worry if i'll be drunk babysitting. 
  • i got to hang out with MEELA 2x in the last week. :) thanks for doing my hair AND nails...even if i ripped the nails off. it was fun to see you.
  • music. music. music.
  • all the counselors and staff at HHW-- their dedication and support makes a huge difference. 
  • my baby sis- i don't see her as often as i'd like, but i'm very grateful for her.
I could go on and on and on..but I guess I'll save some for tomorrow...and the next day...and the next. :)


hermit and stuff

  • I've been a hermit for a while now. I sleep a lot. And stay in my darkened house most hours of the day. I like it. 
  • I'm getting a roomie. We're gonna have a "haters" club. No one else can join. Unless you beg. or something.
  • I am at work and it's 3:32am. Gosh, that's way too late/early to be awake.
  • I ate crepes for dinner, thanks to Jordan and Britt. They were yummy. 
  • I am dog sitting Bear. I love him and never want him to go home. But he leaves tomorrow.
  • I'm planning my trip to Lagoon for frightmares. yikes! 
  • Um, I have to drug test tomorrow. ugh. 
Maybe someday I'll think of something cool to post on here. But for now, this is all I got. xoxo



I get to go to school Spring semester! YAYYY.

Thanks dad! xoxo


i miss this...

Everything WAS bigger in Texas...

Hey ya'll. I just got home from Texas. It was fun but I'm glad to be back in Utah. I went to San Antonio for an A.A. Convention. I met some awesome people, learned some new shit, and got to take a break from real life for a few days.

While I was there I got to do lots of fun stuff! Here are some of my favs:

1. The River Walk. Coolest, prettiest thing ever. I took the "river tour" that was about an hour and a half long. The boat was packed (50 people) and I got to meet a nice gentleman and sweat all over him. Yummmmmy.

2. Avenue Q- the musical. To be quite honest, I had never heard of this musical until I was invited to see it. And I loved it! It was awesome. I wanna go again!

3. Ghost hunting. I was a baby but I loved it. We went to the creepy as hell old house and found some ghosts. Some people talked to them..I just watched. I got some good battle wounds from running away and I'm proud of them.

4. Ate some Texas BBQ...because who would go to Texas and not do that?!
5. Found my new favorite sandwich shop...and that's hard to do. I love sandwiches and this place rocked!

6. Saw my first A.A. fist fight. No joke. These guys were intense! I liked it.

7. Went to a drag show, of course. Also, got my first crush on a drag queen....she/he was HOT!
All in all, Texas was fun. I missed having my friends and fam for my b-day, but I'm glad I went!