just some random thoughts

Today while I was at the hospital in the waiting room with my grandpa we somehow got on the subject of death. He was talking about my uncle who passed about last November and how he was a good man and all that jazz. Then we started talking about my cousin, Kristen, who also passed about last November. We talked about funny things that we remembered about her and stuff and then he said, "well it's too bad she went to hell". I was kind of shocked, but mostly sad. I sat there unsure of what I should say. I waited a minute and then I just told my grandpa that I'm sure she didn't go to hell. He looked at me like I was crazy and I told him that the God I believe in loves everyone and that Kristen was a good person. I told him what I believed and he seemed kind of shocked. I love my grandpa and I didn't want to be rude...good thing it was him that told me that or I probably would have freaked out. I know he means well and just believes what he believes.

So now I'm wondering...does my grandpa really believe that just because someone was an alcoholic they are going to hell? And not just "someone", she is his granddaughter and he loves her. Is there some unwritten code in the LDS church that says if someone is an addict they are obviously bad people? Bad enough to be damned for all eternity? I do not believe so. Not one tiny little bit. I can't speak from an "LDS" or religious standpoint but I know that I sure as hell wouldn't want to be associated with something that would have me believe that my loved ones are "going to hell" because they didn't conform to my same beliefs.

I believe that God is loving and kind. I believe that we all fight different battles and God knows what is in our hearts. I believe that God wants the best for us. I do not believe that because someone isn't how we think they should be, that they are going to hell. Eff that.
 Maybe I'm just a young, dumb girl. All I know is that I will never believe in a God that would punish someone for something they had been fighting their entire life. No thanks.

Sorry for the rant..

Oh, and yes, I love my grandpa dearly. This is not about him. This was just in general. 

big thanks

Thanks to those of you who have replied to THIS post I wrote about my Higher Power (God). I really do love hearing what people believe in and how they understand their higher power. I'd love to hear from more of you...

What do you believe in?

So, I know most of you are probably LDS and that you believe in God..and that's cool. I think it's cool to hear what others believe and why- so if you're reading this, send your thoughts my way. You can e-mail me at jdecker2000@gmail.com or post a comment. You don't have to tell me who you are or anything, no worries.

Today someone asked me to tell them about my higher power (someone at the Horizon House where I went to rehab). I was kind of shocked. I mean, I donno why they would wanna know what I believe. I do believe. I guess it's just different to believe in a higher power than to actually sit down and define what my higher power is to me. But I did it.

I am not religious, nor do I wish to be. I believe that spirituality is what I need and that I can have a great relationship with my higher power regardless of having a religion or not. Before I went to Horizon House I hated God. I hated everything about the idea of God. To put it nicely, I had a lot of resentments toward the God I grew up believing in. I was taught that I had to be a certain person in order to be saved and to be loved. I didn't fit the mold and I was told I was going to hell. I had a lot of guilt and shame for being me.

I still don't really know exactly what to believe or what I think, but I know that I am loved and that I am a good person. I know that I don't have to fit a mold to be "saved". The God I believe in is understanding, patient, loving, kind, and accepting. I choose to call my God, HP (higher power). I  still can't let go completely of all the things I feel about the God I was raised with, so to avoid connecting the two, I have two separate names for them even though I believe it is the same God I was raised with...my perception and knowledge has just shifted.

I believe that above all, God wants me to be happy and successful. I believe that God wants that for all of us. No matter what our religious views, gender, social class, sexuality, race, ethnicity, etc. My God is love. Unconditional love. How awesome is that? I think it's pretty awesome.

So tell me...what do you believe? What's your HP?