rainbows and butterflies

I am deciding to love my life right now even if it's not exactly what I'd choose if I could. School isn't so bad, my fam is rad, I have the coolest friends in Utah, and I'm going to the Tegan and Sara concert in two weeks. My life in little old Cedar City could be terrible but for the most part, I really do like it.

I mean, if I had the opportunity to leave tomorrow (and have my degree completed), I'd hop on the plane/bus/car/boat/any form of transportation in a heartbeat. I've been itching to get outta here for so long it almost seems like a dream. A bad dream. As much as I truly do love Cedar and all my friends and family that are here, it's not for me. I need something else. I want something different.

Earlier today my friend said she's gonna hop on a plane and move to Texas to runaway from and solve problems. Though I am guilty of doing exactly that a number of times (not quite as drastic moves geographically, but for the same reasons), I don't feel like that's why I want to leave this time. I mean sure, some part of my is probably trying to runaway from something or someone from my past. For the most part though, I think I'm just finally ready to break free from all that is expected of me here in Utah, in my parents basement, from everyone who knows me.

Leaving Cedar isn't going to solve my problems, make me into someone new, or adjust my outlook on life. Leaving Cedar will allow me to be who I am, make new friends, and have new adventures without me having to worry about offending those that are close to me. I'll always love Cedar and I have so many memories and friends here that I think I'll always call it home; I just need to have a "vacation" home as well. Sometimes living here is exhausting; I'm ready to relax and just be myself.

Now don't get me wrong, I don't feel like it is impossible to be myself right here, living in the 'rents basement--it's a choice that I'm making and have made for a long time. In order to respect my parents (family) beliefs it makes it difficult to be "myself". It's not like I'm fake right now, I'm just not doing what I'd be doing under different circumstances.

So here's to getting the hell done with school and getting the eff outta Utah...or at least out of my parents basement.

***this is not meant offensively to my parents. they are some of the coolest folks I know. love you M and D. :)

i knew this day would come...just didn't think it'd be this soon!

Today I was having a convo with my little bro Joey. If you don't know Joey, you're missing out. Anyway, it went a little something like this:
Me: Hey Joe Bear! Guess what?! You're almost 17! CRAZY! You're getting so big. I hate it. 
Joey: Jill. I'm still in high school. I'm not old.
Me: Well Joey, you're gonna be 18 in like a year! What the H!
Joey: Ha, I know! I can't wait.
Me: Do you know how old I am? 
Joey: hmmm...I forgot.
Me: I'm 24. Gross. I'm gonna be 25 in September.
Joey: Ew, you're almost 30! You'll be a freak!
Me: Joey, don't be mean! (pretending to cry)
Joey: Well...Jill, get real.

What the hell? My little brother thinks I'm old. Not just getting older, but old. Like old maid status. I think I'm gonna die. I mean, I know I'm gettin' to the "old maid" status in Utah world but that's not a problem for me. I can deal with that. What I can't deal with is the fact that I only have five years until I'm actually "old". EEK!

 Good thing I love Joey...a lot. Otherwise he might have been punched in the face or something.