Somewhere someone is traveling furiously toward you, at incredible speed, traveling day and night, through blizzards and desert heat,   across torrents, through narrow passes. But will he know where to find you, recognize you when he sees you?
by John Ashbery (Taken from his poem At North Farm)


would you rather?

Tonight we're gonna play a game called "would you rather?"...yay.

Would you rather:

Use the community finger nail clippers at your place of employment (that everyone uses)?


Clean the showers after truckers use them (sometimes there are surprises)?

Well, ladies and gents...tonight I chose both. I used the nail clippers because, well, I wanted to clip my nails. The second one I did because I kinda like having my job...


good crafternoon!

I made this for a wall in my living room. I like it.
I just made this at work. It's for my bathroom. It's a washcloth. Cool, eh?


my big "phat" gratitude list.

Ya know when you're just feelin' blue? Well, I got some good advice to make a list of all the things I'm grateful for right now. I don't wanna lose it, so you get to read it too! Here we go...
Joey Bear @ the football game!

  • Joey Buffalo Ganster Decker (yes, GanSter)...He is simply amazing. He is the football manager for CHS and travel to American Fork to support them tonight. I wish I could have been there to cheer Joey on. When the football team was doing their fundraiser (selling coupon cards) and they didn't give Joey any to sell he felt left out so they gave him a few. By the end of the few days they were selling Joey had sold over 30 cards--beating everyone on the team. Joey is the most dedicated and the loving guy in the world. Thanks for showing me what it's like to put your whole heart into the things you do, Joey. I love you!
  •  My home. I love living there and I'm so lucky to have such kind landlords. Furreal, best thing ever. 
  • Sobriety. Even though sometimes I'm a little betch about it, I know I wouldn't have any of the people and things in my life that I do right now. I'm very grateful for the gift that I've been given.
  • On that note, I'm grateful for the Horizon House for even allowing me to come there and to deal with all my shiz. The staff there are amazing. Thank you, thank you. I can't say it enough. 
  • My fam. We don't always get along and sometimes I wish things were different but I always know they'll be there for me and for that I'm very grateful. I love you guys. 
  • My sponsor. She's amazing and I love her. 
  • My friends. I love you all dearly. Thanks for being here for me and for not giving up on me.
  • My job. I'm very grateful that I work for awesome people. I love the owners/ manager. Seriously, thanks for giving me a job back even after everything. 
  • lots more but I think this is good for now...right??


Go big or go home..

I'm going to Texas for my birthday weekend! OMG! I just purchased my plane tickets and I'm ready. Too bad I have to wait 2 weeks! Oh well, it'll give me time to prepare for all the madness. I cannot wait!

 Here's what I get to do:

  • I get to Jenna! I haven't seen her in over a year so it'll be sweet to catch up and get to spend time with her.
  • Go to an AA convention. First ever! (for me, anyway). I'm stoked!
  • See what Texas is all about! I've heard plenty of good things about this place...but now I get to find out for myself. I haven't traveled outside of Utah, Nevada, Arizona, California since...2004. It's about damn time I start seeing the world! One state at a time...

I can't wait! yay! Bring on new adventures!


birth smirth

I just paid $18.00 for a copy of my birth certificate so that I can pay more money to renew my drivers license that expires on my birthday. Yay for being born! 

But seriously...$18.00 dollars for a piece of paper that says I was indeed born?  LAME. Even more lame that I lost my real birth certificate on the Greyhound Bus....now that's scary shit.

I'm lucky to be alive and that I was born in the good ol' USA. And now I'm done ranting about stupid shit that I caused for myself. 
The end.


my oh my...the ECRC is lookin' FLY..phase 1

Have any of you driven past the ECRC (Enoch City Rec. Complex) lately? It's looking might fine.

You likey?


crying at the truck stop...

Ruby ( i don't know her, but I love her)
Pretty sure I just read THIS BLOG and I've been crying. It's about a little baby who was suffering from a rare liver disease. She died yesterday. The blog documents her life and shows the hope that her parents and those who loved her had for her. I don't know exactly what it is but I just feel so sad, yet I have this sense of hope that I'm very lucky. And also that sweet little Ruby is in a safe place.

I've never really thought about how lucky I am to have such a healthy body. Seriously, I have done so much shit to my body that I should be dead. My liver should be the one that is failing, not a little baby. It had never occurred to me, until ...10 minutes ago, how lucky I truly am.

I'm gonna go cry some more and maybe start giving my liver some love...

And big thanks to my HP for letting me be healthy. I'm a lucky girl, that's for sure.


the first braid i've done all by myself. at work. all alone. yes!


this is a whiny post: don't read it if you don't want to hear me bitch about stupid shit

Urban Dictionary:

Whiny Bitch18 up6 down
One who complains, moans, bitches, or is an all around annoying dramatic pussy.
Anyone who attends, is affiliated with, or pulls for the university of north carolina at chapel hill. If you fall under this category, you're a whiny little pussy bitch. What a whiny bitch you are...
  • I am beyond tired and I'm getting sick. Graves are kicking my ass. For real. Ugh. 
  • My BFF is going out of town. I donno what I'm gonna do. EEk.
  • I was too tired to buff my floors today = no moving furniture in few a few more days. 
  • My house is messy. And gross. I need to decorate in a bad way. 
  • I need to learn to say "NO". I have too much shit going on sometimes and then I just wanna quit everything. Dumb.
  • I'm sick of facebooking all night, every night...but I'm getting paid to do it so I guess I can shut up about that...
  • My nose is running and my head is pounding. And my throat hurts and I'm a baby. 
  • I need a microwave, a couch, a table, chairs, dishes, silverware, tinfoil and a brain. A heart would be cool, too.
  • Speaking of hearts...mine's pretty messed up. I'm in a funk and I just feel sad. 
  • I won't be going to school this semester. I'm not happy about that. I really wanted to go back. 
  • I don't want to be responsible. It kinda sucks. 
I just feel like crawling in a hole right now. Maybe I should sleep and eat and then re-evaluate how I'm really feeling...but for now I just wanna be a pissy bitch. Get over it. ha


Sometimes ya just gotta get creative, right?

My homemade desk...hahaha

before and after: bedroom (not completed, but started)

Before I got to it...

And...after I got to it...I love it.


first night jitters...

I slept at my new house for the first time (well, the first time that it was actually night time) last night. I'd like to report that I was a big girl and didn't get scared...and that would be a lie. I was terrified.

I got in bed at 2am and about 2 minutes later I got up because I was so scared. I cleaned the kitchen. Like scrubbed the shit out of it. I unpacked some more boxes and I even did a tad bit of decorating. Once 5am rolled around I tried to get back in bed. Still scared, but I stayed there and finally fell asleep when the sun was coming up around 7am.

I slept peacefully until my parents showed up with some things for my new pad and some food. Yum. Thanks M & D. Then I went back to sleep until around 4pm.

I figure that my first night alone in a my new place would be the scariest. I'm working a grave tonight so I won't get to test the theory until tomorrow night to let ya'll know how it goes...Wish me luck!


little joys in life..

My view from the worlds happiest place on earth...
the truck stop!
this pic doesn't do the beautiful sunset justice..boy, was it pretty!


Today has been a good one. I mean, sure, I've had two hours of sleep in the last 50 something hours; I'm sure I've been a real peach today. I got to go play with Lily this morning when I got off work and then I moved into my new house. And by that I mean I took all my shit there and haven't unpacked it yet. Really, I don't have a lot to unpack. Mostly clothes and random shit. I don't have any furniture and it's pretty bare, but I love it.

I jammed to my iPod and danced around in my underwear. That was fun.

When I woke up from my nap I was pretty terrified. I don't remember the last time I was home alone anywhere....I know, I know, grow up. But furreal, I'm a baby. I had to turn on every light...good thing the utilities are included in the rent!

Although there are FOUR dog kennels in the backyard, I was informed that pets are not allowed...wtf? haha. Oh well. I can barely afford myself and my plant so maybe a dog will come later.

Today I bought food for my new place. The only problem is that I forgot I didn't have a microwave OR any pots/pans...or dishes. I got home, starving, and the only thing I could eat was crackers and cheese. Livin' the dream, baby.

Do you ever feel like your life is a dream? Or that you're in a horror film? I do. But really, I'm a crazy betch.



  • I wonder where all my money goes...seriously...
  • coffee grosses me out and then i drink it anyway. lots of it. all night long.
  • I feel like I'll never be good enough. 
  • giving up seems easier than going through all the BS. But I won't give up. 
  • I wonder why the hell I like Snus..Gross! but I love it. 
  • I think about how awesome my life is and get really terrified. 
  • I forget my past and where I've been. Then I remember it and remember why I'm doing what I'm doing today. 
  • if I could hop on a plane right now I would. I'd go anywhere! 
  • I get to move into my new house!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hooray!
  • I'm gonna try my hardest to get a pet (dog or cat). Dream big, Jill...Dream big.
  • I'm bored at work. Go figure. 
  • is Friday! :]
  • I want to sleep all day but that isn't gonna happen. 
  • I love water. 
  • I hope I don't have to pee in a cup. I hate that.
  • I'm grateful for all the cool peeps in my life. Furreal, ya'll rock.
  • I get to hang out with my beautiful sister Enna
  • I get to spend time with my brothers.
  • I'm gonna go grocery shopping for my new house, yet I have no dishes or any furniture. ha.
  • I'm happy as a bee. Whatever that means.
  • I miss you.
  • I'm scared shitless and I'm gonna do it anyway. 
  • I use "I" a lot. I'm a selfish little betch.
  • tanning sounds fun. I shall go. 
  • I'm gonna paint my bed. Black. I'll show you when it's done. Maybe...
  • I get to play with Lily. She's cute and fun.
  • I'll be coming back to work. So I'm sure I'll be blogging again. Don't worry. 
  • I'm gonna adopt my plant back from my sister. Thanks for taking care of Benny for the last ...year. Pretty sure I got him as a baby and then I ran away so my sister was his foster mom. I get him back today. Finally. It's been quite the journey. Welcome home, Benny Boo boo.
  • I applied at a couple more jobs. Even though I have one. I want more. More more more. 
  • I'm rambling. As always. 


Lily Pie

Meet Lily Pie! 
[she is pretty stinkin' cute]


I almost forgot how much I loved music...wth

Do you ever forget about the things you love? ...or am I just a crazy person?

I almost sold my record player the other day. Why? I'm not sure. I mean sure I need money, but I highly doubt the $75.00 I would have gotten for the record player would have made me nearly as happy as the record player makes me. I'm glad I kept it. Now it's time to name him. The iPod is Jack and the laptop is Frank; I'm drawing a blank for the record player. Any ideas?

I saw my apartment for the first time today and I literally fell in love with it. I had looked at a few places and they were all pretty run down and gross; I did find one other one that I loved but the location was not good in terms of staying sober...ha ha. Right when I walked into my new apartment I loved it. I will post pics as soon as I get them. Yay!

Sorry that I'm obsessed with my new apartment. Don't worry, I'll probably keep talking about it for months...so get used to it! xoxo


movin' on up...and out

I get to go see my new apartment in the morning. I am stoked! I am going to live alone- for the first time ever. No parents. No sibs. No roomies. No girlfriends.

No one but me.

Needless to say, it's a big step for me. I couldn't be happier about this move and I'm so grateful that the landlords are freaking amazing. Like for real, nicest people...ever! Plus, I don't have to sign a lease or anything. I am pretty lucky to be able to rent from them--thanks to lots of people who helped me get into this place.

That's another thing. Ya know, I've always had a lot of supportive people and lots of people who would do anything to help me and I always took advantage of them. Now that I'm actually working for things and trying to do life on my own, things have been going really well and people have been very generous and have helped me with anything they could. I'm very grateful for everything I have and for all the amazing people in my life! Even my bad days are not bad at all..I've got a great life and I'm very blessed.

Now for the important stuff...like how I'll decorate it..and with what. I don't really have any furniture. And by that I mean I have nothing but a bed. Ha ha. Don't worry, I have a few ideas [thanks to pinterest.com]:
I'll make these someday of cities I've been to...or wanna go to...
I didn't find this on pinterest but I love it! Great [cheap] idea!

Since I can't paint, the walls might look a little something like this...perhaps.

I love this table. I'm gonna make it and it will double as my kitchen/coffee table. Classy, right?

So pretty much I will have a fancy house and I couldn't be more excited! Oh and any donations of junk you don't want will be gladly accepted. :]