cupcakes and rainbows

I was late for work again today. That's twice in a row. At least today I was only 5 minutes late instead of 30 minutes late. I don't know what's wrong with me lately- usually I'm 20 minutes early. I feel tired and cracked out all the time. I can't seem to stop coughing and I can't even take NyQuil (or anything for that matter) so that I can fall asleep. I think I'm on my death bed right now. If you saw me right now, you'd understand.

I need a vacation. A real vacation. Not the kind that makes you more tired after you get home. I want to go somewhere by myself for like a week and sleep, read, eat good food, catch some rays, and sleep some more. Is that too much to ask? I'm planning it. Stay posted for details.

In other news, I will be making like 500 cupcakes to sell at the Sub4Santa fundraiser on December 10th. Who wants to have a cupcake baking/decorating party with me?? It will be so much fun....I have some ideas.

This week I have been able to hang out with my grandpa quite a bit. I like that. I wish that our hang out sessions didn't include the hospital, but they do and I'll take what I can get. Joey, Enna, and I are going to put up my grandpa and grandma's Christmas tree next week! I used to love helping them do that and I'm excited to do it this year.

Calvie is back to full health, as far as I can tell. He's back to running around and torturing Gretchen. I thought he'd go right back to biting and clawing me, but so far he has remained a little cuddle bug. He follows me everywhere and cuddles up to me. I love it. A lot. Pretty sure I love my cat more than you. Unless you're Joey. You might be tied with Calv, but he's up there.

I got 7 months sober today. I woke up to a text from my dad that reminded me. I have just been looking forward to 9 months because that's when I get my next chip in AA, but it was a nice little boost to remember that I have 7 months! Thanks father.

I have been listening to a country song on repeat for like 7 hours. More like 10 days, but I still love it. I'm sure it'll wear off soon.....I hope.

I miss Jordan a lot today. Darn.

Bored at work. Can you tell what it says? haha

Alcohol saved my life...

I've been wanting to write this for a while now but I haven't known how or what to say. I have also avoided the topic because in the past it has been a cause of conflict, shame, and a lot of hurt in my family and for me personally. Right now I feel like I have a good relationship with my family, regardless of my sexuality, so I am going to put it out there. This is not meant to make anyone angry or upset, it's just my thoughts. Although I haven't personally "come out" to everyone I know, I am pretty positive everyone knows. I mean, I lived with my girlfriend in Las Vegas--and most of my family met her, as did many of my friends.

The first time I told anyone that I might be gay was terrifying. I was surprised at the way my friends all took the news. In fact, nothing changed at all. No one freaked out or stopped being my friend. In fact, it was quite the opposite. They let me be the drunk, hot mess that I needed to be in order to be myself. They let me stay at their houses, puke in their toilets and cry my eyes out when needed. I needed to be drunk. All of the time. I felt like I was living one big lie. My friends knew that I was gay but my family didn't know- I was living a double life, in a sense.

I was waiting for the perfect time to tell my parents. I always thought I'd tell them "after I moved to a different city" or "once I graduated college" so I wouldn't be such a disgrace. Well, as it turns out, I didn't have to tell my parents... they found out in April 2009 after I went to Gay Pride in Las Vegas.  Not sure that's how I would have liked for it come about, but it did and I'm strangely okay with it now. I guess there would have been no "easy" or "awesome" way to tell my parents.

The next few months, to put it nicely, were hell. Utter and complete hell. My parents didn't take the news well and I tried to drown myself in liquor. I did a pretty good job, too. The months turned into a year and a couple of months; I thought that running away would solve all my problems. I moved to Las Vegas in September 2010 and stayed good and drunk until April 2011. At that point I was more miserable drunk than I was sober and that was a problem.

Even though my parents/family do no agree with my sexuality or my lifestyle, they let me come back to Utah until I could get into rehab about a week later. I am very grateful for that. I don't know what would have happened if my dad wouldn't have booked my ticket back to Utah the day he did. My life was going downhill very swiftly, literally and figuratively.

The day I had my alcohol assessment at the Horizon House on April 29, 2011 was the first day I hadn't had a drink in months. I was hungover, miserable, and scared shitless. I was crying because my body hurt but also because I knew that I would have to face the fact that I couldn't hide behind Everclear, cheap vodka, and spiced rum forever... or I'd die.

I didn't know how to be sober and be myself. I had never done that before. I didn't know if I was ready to never drink again, but I knew that I didn't want to drink that day because I felt like shit. Alcohol was how I was able to be me, although, looking back I guess it wasn't really "me". I was able to cover up all my feelings of guilt, shame, and embarrassment for being gay. I also covered up all the hurt  that I was feeling by drinking alcohol and blacking out. I was pro at blacking out. I guess I just figured that if I couldn't remember what happened last night, neither could anyone else. If only that were true...

Turns out that I hurt a lot of people, did a lot of stupid things, and probably killed my liver (and obviously my brain) by drinking-- all so that I could be myself.

Looking back it sounds kind of silly, but honestly, I wouldn't change a thing. I take that back. I would take back hurting other people along the way, if I could change the past. I can't do that, so I'm just doing my best to be a better friend, sister, daughter, granddaughter, employee and citizen today. I really love my life today. It's not perfect and there are things that I wish I had or that I could be better at, but overall I'm the happiest I've ever been. The best part is that I get to be me and I don't have to drown myself in liquor to survive. I can actually show up to family events without a water bottle full of vodka- or better yet, I can actually show up at all.


The weirdest part about all of this to me is that by being sober I have definitely made more genuine and caring friends than I ever did when I was drinking. These people love me for me and not because I can drink a gallon of Vodka and still walk (not coherently, but still...). I was certain that once I was sober and people knew I was gay, I'd have no friends. I was thought I was destined to be a lonely old cat lady who didn't have any friends.

While I may be a cat lady, I'm definitely not lacking in the amazing friend and family department. Everyday I'm amazed at how many people truly care about me, regardless of my sexuality or anything else. I guess I am just a lucky girl because I know of so many people who lose everything because they are gay.Sure there are a few people who routinely try to "save me" from going to hell and help me overcome my gayness. I know they are just doing what they think is right- and that's cool.

I am very blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life today and I'm so grateful that I am able to enjoy life sober and almost shame-free...I'm working on that one still. I know I still have a long way to go and that there will surely be bumps in the road, but for now I couldn't be more pleased with the way my life is going. I blame all of this on alcohol. If it weren't for alcohol I would never be where I am today or as happy as I am today. Seriously, alcohol allowed me to come to terms with who I am and now I get to be me sober. If you don't like it, you don't have to talk to me; I won't be offended. Plus, I have way too much going for me to be worried about what other people think about me.

Oh, and just for the record, I have been sober for 213 days today. That's 213 days that I mostly remember and that I've been able to be myself and for the most part be okay with me, too. 

Pretty amazing considering that last year at this time I was probably throwing up in a garbage can next to the bed.

people are cool. and nice.

Over the weekend I was overwhelmed with kindness from other people. I had people calling and texting about Calv non-stop. It might sound silly, but it really meant a lot. Yes, I know Calvin is a cat, but he happens to be the coolest cat in the world and I love him. I know that it probably sounds a little intense, but I am very grateful to those people who called (even the staff at Horizon House called! Both on and off shift...), sent me really nice texts, and came over to see me. 

Since I am always looking for an excuse to post pictures of Calvin, I guess now is as good as any time to post some more! It's a lot easier to capture Calv's cute little face when he can't run around so I've been taking pictures like crazy! 

Thanks again to everyone who called or texted about Calvie. :) 

laughing is my exercise

Can I just say I'm grateful for good friends? This last week has kind of been a nightmare (not all of it, but in general) and I think I've cried way more than humanly possible; I've also laughed more than I have in a long time, too!

April and I were eating some lunch at the park on Friday and I'm pretty sure I was sore from laughing. I would repeat the conversation, but it wouldn't be funny or make sense at this point. Just know that it's Sunday morning and I'm still sore from all the laughing. I even threw up part of my Big Mac during the process. Gag, I know...

Calvie is still weak and has a fever, but he's eating and I'm forcing him to drink water (I have a little squeezer thing and I shove it down his throat). We have slept 90% of the last three days and it's been glorious. I had to leave him to come to work and I'm really sad about it- I wanted to bring him but I know he'll be more comfortable in bed at home anyway. Sorry for all the cat updates...it's just that I love Calv more than most things in life and it breaks my little heart that he's so sick.

I'm in a hater mood, but I'm gonna make a grateful list. Here goes...

• I'm grateful that I have a job so that I can pay my bills and buy expensive cat food. 
• I'm grateful that my dad knows how much I love my kitty and called the vet (on a day the vet was closed), got Calv an appointment, and paid for it. My dad rocks. 
• I'm grateful that I have been able to sleep so much this weekend. I have been sick and feeling like poop all week, so it's been a nice break. 
• I'm grateful that I was only 1/2 hour late for work today. Good thing Calv woke me up...otherwise I would have been asleep all night. oops!
• I'm grateful for Ape and cruising. Lots of good laughs. 
• I'm grateful that I have so many amazing people in my life. Seriously, it kind of freaks me out. 
• I'm grateful that I get to be sober today.
• I'm grateful that when I'm having a bad day (or any day), I have people who care about me. 
• I'm grateful for Joey. 
• I'm grateful for love. 
• I'm grateful that I am not in a messed up relationship. Single for life, yo. haha
• I'm grateful for my parents. Happy Anniversary! 
• I'm grateful that Thanksgiving is over and it turned out well!

Calvie

If you know me at all, you know that I have a kitty that I just absolutely adore; his name is Calvin. I have never liked a cat before, but I love Calv more than most people that I know.

On Wednesday night he started acting a little funky and weak, but I didn't think much of it. By Thursday morning he couldn't move his hind legs. Since Calv is my cat, I thought maybe he was being dramatic. By Thursday evening he had a fever and still couldn't walk. I was freaking out. Well, maybe I still am... He has been very lethargic and sleeping 23 hours out of the day. I have been sleeping every minute that I can with him since I'm sick, too.

Calv tucked in my bed sleeping.

On Friday morning I called the vet. They were all closed except for one emergency clinic in St. George. I don't have a car and I don't have enough  money to drive there, pay for the vet bill,  and still live for the next two weeks. I was super bummed but I figured we'd just sleep all day and go in first thing Saturday morning to the vet in Cedar. At about 8:45am my dad called and said that he had gotten a hold of Dr. Esplin and that I could take Calv in at 9:15am.

My dad let me drive his car and he gave me his credit card to pay for the visit. I was so surprised...my dad knows how much I love Calv, but it's still not his cat. I'm very grateful for my dad.

Anyway, the vet gave Calvin some antibiotics and said that if it's a bacterial infection that the medicine would help.....if it's a virus, there is nothing we can do. I'm just praying for little Calv and hoping he's not in too much pain, either way. Not gonna lie, I've been kind of a hot mess this entire last week and so I'll randomly just start crying.

I'm so grateful to my dad for helping me get Calv to the doctor and for caring about him. I'm also super grateful for all of the people who have called, texted, facebooked me about Calv. Thanks everyone. :)

some yarn flowers and a little paper

I met some really wonderful people today at the Thanksgiving dinner. Although I won't share all their stories, this one really hit home for me.

The most touching part of my day was at the end a guy that I had met while play cards came up and asked if he could take part of the paper tablecloth home (we had markers and people all wrote what they were grateful for on them). I said "yes, of course....". He got tears in his eyes and showed it to me. He had written a little message for his daughter who was killed in a car accident that he caused by driving drunk. When he told me I instantly wanted to just hug the shit out of him. I thought about all the times I drove drunk and about my DUI. I am so grateful that I never hurt anyone and that I don't have to do that anymore. I can't imagine what pain he must have gone through and I can imagine, still goes through everyday. He is sober now and I am just so impressed. He is the coolest guy and would be an awesome dad! He was great with all of the little kids at the dinner. I don't know if he'll ever get the chance to be a dad again, but I hope so.


After we talked for a while I asked him if he wanted to take the yarn flowers we had made for the centerpieces to put by her grave. He looked surprised and asked if I would really give them to him. He picked out 4 or 5 fake yarn flowers and took them with him. He kept thanking me and acting like I gave him a million dollars--in reality, he got a piece of paper that he had written on and about 5 cents worth of yarn hooked to a twig. It really made me think about what I have to be grateful for and the meaning behind the things I place value in. It's crazy how something so seemingly simple can mean so much to someone.

Thanksgiving---done and over

Hope everyone had a Thanksgiving as great as mine was! I spent the day with some really amazing people and got to meet a lot of new friends, too. I loved today. A lot.

As part of the mentor program that I'm in at the Horizon House we decided to put on a Thanksgiving dinner for the community (kind of like a soup kitchen type deal) since no one else in town was doing one. We put up fliers, begged people for clothes, money, and a shit load of food. We cleaned and decorated the building, which btw, is not a pretty building, we cooked and baked, and we showed up a couple hours early not knowing how the day would turn out.

The place was packed! I was so amazed at how much food and clothes showed up at the last minute, but mostly at how many people showed up! Not only did people show up randomly to help volunteer, people came to eat and have fun, too! About an hour into the dinner people were getting a little anxious so I went and bought 8 decks of cards and some Uno cards. We had a spades tournament (apparently that's a jail game?) and had a blast!

We had food left over and money to spare (which we will be using for Sub-4-Santa). I'm so grateful that I was able to be there and help out in any way I could. I wouldn't trade today for anything. Seriously, I'm very blessed and today was amazing.



All in all, I am very grateful that I was able to participate in this and hope that we do it again next year! Now I'm excited to start working on Sub-4-Santa! :)

crafting and other things

So, the other night I painted like 15 frames and got them all ready for Christmas gifts. I had already made the thing that goes inside them, so I put them together. I liked them. A lot. Then I thought of something even better. I'll probably just leave them as they are, but I'm sorta peeved about it. Such is life, right?

Last night I attempted to go to bed at 8pm. It took me a while to fall asleep and now it's 3am and I'm awake again. Bummer. I am getting sick and I'm a cranky betch. Guess I should go back to bed since the next couple of days are gonna be intense.

First though, let me just tell you that I'm grateful for:

• days off work. they seem to fly by and don't really seem like a break, but I love it.
• Calvin chilling out and being a nice cat. 
• Thanksgiving festivities coming up and everyone who has donated for it. 
• group tonight. We are having a feast and who doesn't like to eat food with awesome people? 
• the weather lately. It's been on the chilly side, but nothing I can't handle. 
• people who encourage me and say really nice things to me. Not just any people (although, i'll take it from anyone), really freaking amazing people. 
• running into people at wal-mart who i have been avoiding for stupid reasons to find out they don't hate me. awkward, but cool. 
• things happening the way they happen. sometimes it seems like a nightmare but i love when i can look back (even a few days or weeks) to see that if i had gotten what i wanted, that would have been the shit show, for sure.
• my parents. i don't tell them enough how much i appreciate them for all they do for me. it's a miracle they even talk to me, let alone do all the awesome things they do for me. 
• the family gathering we had at mcdonalds on monday night for Joey. it was fun to have our whole fam together and just hang out for no reason. i wish we did that more. 
• the other day when i was bitching about everyone else, someone just said "be the change you want to see"....good advice. and it's holding true. it's not everyone else who needed an attitude adjustment...turns out it might have been me. still workin' on that. 
• my new kitty, Gretch. we changed her name to Jazzmine last night. i'm slightly worried about her because she sneezes. a lot. and it's gross. but i'm trying to love her. 
• JoAnn's. I go there at least 4 times a week. 
• getting coke with Ape. 
• all the wonderful people in my life. :)

Hope your Thanksgiving Eve is wonderful and joyous! 

weeeeeeeeeee!kend!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING WEEK!  

In 3.5 hours, my three-fun-filled-days of no working begins!

Although I may not be at the truck stop, I definitely won't be bored! I have a lot to do and not a lot of time.

• I need to find 20 old and or cute frames- all different, preferably. I will also need to paint and revamp them, if they are used. 
• I need to make a shit ton of food for the Thanksgiving bash we're having. 
• I need to finish a few birthday presents and think of a bridal shower present. 
• I need to fit some sleep in and maybe some lounging with nothing to do but cuddle with my kittens. 
• I need to get some serious bro time in- and sis time, if she's available. 
• I need to clean, clean, clean.
• I need to finish all the decorations and set them up for the Thanksgiving din. 

Today I'm grateful for:

• cute, thoughtful things that people say, often without knowing that it's such. 
• my boots. they may not be glam status, but they're warm. ha ha
• my new SUU gear that i purchased. 
• that i get to see Joey nearly every morning right when he wakes up. he's so cute.
• birthdays, weddings, thanksgiving, and christmas in the next month! 
• my Katz, both human and animal. 

And last but not least, I'll leave you with this inspirational thought of the day. Enjoy.

One song can spark a moment,
One flower can wake the dream
One tree can start a forest,
One bird can herald spring.

One smile begins a friendship,
One handclasp lifts a soul.
One star can guide a ship at sea,
One word can frame the goal

One vote can change a nation,
One sunbeam lights a room
One candle wipes out darkness,
One laugh will conquer gloom.

One step must start each journey.
One word must start each prayer.
One hope will raise our spirits,
One touch can show you care.

One voice can speak with wisdom,
One heart can know what's true,

One life can make a difference,
You see, it's up to you!

-Author unknown

happy happy hippy sunday

• I'm grateful for fabric, felt, and yarn. My life would be pretty boring right now without it. :]
• I'm grateful to have such a wonderful family. 
• I'm grateful for my roomie. She cleaned the whole house while I slept today. Thanks Jazz!
• I'm grateful for Diet Coke. yummmm
• I'm grateful that I got to go to HHW and hang with some rad ladies tonight. 
• I'm grateful for Ape. :) 
• I'm grateful for my HP.
• I'm grateful for the pretty leaves outside. They're almost all gone but I love them. 
• I'm grateful for love. 
• I'm grateful to be alive and well! 

weekend bliss

• I'm so grateful for my job. I've been crafting for 4 hours now and I have tons of cool things I'm making. Love it. 
• I'm very grateful for JoAnn's Craft Store- my second home. I love it in there! Wish they had more stuff and that I could afford it all. I need a sewing machine in a bad way. 
• I'm grateful that I got 8 hours of sleep. I love it when that happens. 
• I'm grateful for my cats. Even though they fight a lot. 
• I'm grateful that Thanksgiving is coming up! I love it. 
• I'm grateful that I got to meet with my counselor today. She rocks. 
• I'm grateful for good friends. 
• I'm grateful for the trucker that just brought me some books on tape. Yes, tape. Who even has a cassette player anymore? Oh yeah, I do. Can't wait to listen to them someday. 
• I'm grateful for love. 

afterlife? yes? okay...

A year ago I was living in Las Vegas with my girlfriend Jordan. We were sleeping peacefully when I suddenly woke up after having a dream about my cousin, Kristen. Since I rarely, if ever, remember my dreams I decided to write a little message on her facebook wall and just say "hi".

The next morning I found out that my aunt had found my cousin unconscious just minutes after I posted on Kristen's wall. She was in a coma for a week and then passed away on November 23, 2010. I didn't get to see Kristen before she passed away, but I did attend her funeral. I don't remember much of it, but I'm grateful that I got to be there to honor her.

Although Kristen and I didn't see each other often, I always looked up to Kristen. She is about a year and half older than I am and I always loved it when she would hang out with me. When we were little, we would torture the younger kids together. I have lots of good memories with Kristen and lots of things that I wish we could have done together.

One thing I regret is the last time I saw Kristen, she was passing through Cedar with her boyfriend and they stopped to see me at my work to see me and asked me to go to an AA meeting with her when I got off work; instead I got drunk with my friends. I hated AA so much. And, of course, I wasn't an alcoholic.

When Kristen died it was a big wake up call for me but it still wasn't enough. We are both alcoholics. Instead of getting the help I needed when Kristen died, or even long before that, I waited until I couldn't keep drinking- physically or emotionally. I was pretty much the walking dead. The last year or so that I was drinking, that's all I did. I drank at school. I drank at work. I drank at home. I drank in the morning. I drank in order to spend time with my family. I drank while hanging out with friends. I carried liquor in a water bottle at all times. If I wasn't drinking, I was sleeping.  My life got to the point that I would have rather been dead than keep drinking and feeling like I was going to die all the time. I hated myself and I hated everything about my life.

I lost friends. I did things that I regret. I cheated people. I was a bad sister, daughter, employee, etc. Even still, whenever I would call my sister in the middle of the night drunk, she would talk to me and tell me that she loved me. My dad drove to Las Vegas more than once to pick me up after a drunken fight with Jordan. I'm very grateful to have such a loving family and friends. Although I felt like my life was over when I came to Utah on the Greyhound bus in April to go to rehab, I'm so grateful that I had so much support in doing so.

I feel a lot of guilt that I got this wonderful opportunity and my cousin didn't. I feel guilty that I made it out alive and that I'm able to live my life and be sober. I hate that addiction takes people that I love and often wonder why or how I'm still here. I know that everything happens for a reason, but sometimes it just doesn't make any sense to me. I hope it all makes sense someday...but until then, I'll just keep doing this for myself and also for Kristen. I know she's up there cheering me on and I'm grateful for that.

Thanks to all my friends and family for supporting me and loving me even when I probably didn't deserve it or act like I wanted it.

missing people sucks.

i wanna be angry today, but...

I wanna be angry tonight. I don't know why, but I can't. I have so much to be grateful for and I guess that is why I have been making all these gratitude lists. I tend to focus on the negatives a lot and then I write these lists and I wonder what it was that I was angry about.

Today was a super great day! I got to sleep all night and then actually sleep in and that makes a huge difference in my demeanor..I'm still bitchy, but not nearly as much as when I don't get enough sleep! My roomie and I decided on a whim that we wanted to get a friend for Calv. Margot, Lindsey and I set out to the pet store because we heard they had free kittens. We didn't find one we loved, so we headed to the Enoch Animal Shelter.

Talk about Cat Heaven. Seriously, the place was packed with cats. We were looking at all of the cats and one jumped on me. I freaked out and had Margot remove it from me and then it jumped on Lindsey. We kept looking, but I guess our cat chose us because we ended up with Gretchen (formerly called Spook). She's such a sweet cat and we love her to death. Calv, on the other hand, isn't so sure yet. He has been picking fights with her all day. I'm sure once they get to know each other that they will be best friends.

The only picture I have of her so far...there will be many more to come, I'm sure.

Dog Town

Today I got to spend all day at Best Friends aniaml sanctuary in Kanab, Utah. They are the biggest animal rescue in the United States.

I got to go with some amazing people and had a lot of fun. We took the tour of the facility in the morning and then we went to Dog Town and volunteered in the afternoon. I love playing with the dogs and I always seem to find at least one that I was the smuggle out and bring home.

I also convinced everyone that it would be a good idea to drive through Colorado City. I loved every second of it.

Today I'm grateful for:

• all the amazing people that I get to spend time with and that i'm getting to know.
• people who dedicate so much of their time and energy into helping others.
• music. and of course, Jack, my iPod.
• HHW
• being sober and getting to do all sorts of random things that I wouldn't be doing otherwise.
• being busy. much better than being bored.
• my job. i love that i work nights and have a set schedule. i am able to do a lot of things that i wouldn't be able to do if i had a "real" job during the day. who needs sleep anyway?
• my alarm clock on my phone. i mean, for real. i am averaging 3 hours of sleep every 12 hours right now. i have slept through my alarm the last 4 times and then magically wake up right in the knick of time. eeeek.
• diet coke. i'm dragging right now, but i'm hoping that it's magical powers will get me through the night.
• all the people who have so graciously donated money and coats and food for the Thanksgiving dinner that i'm helping plan.  i don't even know some of these people and they are just giving and giving and giving.
• Joey Bear. I got to see him and his shaggy hair for a little bit tonight. I love that kid so much. He's gonna be serving food at the shindig. If that isn't reason enough to attend, I don't know what is?
• my parents. they are pretty amazing.
• chapstick. iloveit.
• my friends. they put up with a lot of hermitness and also a lot of bitch status from me. lack of sleep and being anti-social in the first place isn't a good combo.
• my cute kitty, Calvin. i love when he's being cute and cuddles with me while i sleep. well, i love him all the time..even when he's biting me and making me bleed.
• AA/NA and all the people in it.
• dreaming. not while sleeping kind of dreams, but real dreams...the kind that i think about all day/night.
• the fact that i get to do my laundry at work. and get paid for it. nice.
• my grandparents.
• the thought of sleeping tomorrow for more than 3 hours. i hope it becomes a reality.
• meeting new people.
• loveeeeee.
• good memories of Thanksgiving last year with Jordan. we had a couple of friends over and made a delicious dinner.
• fall. although it has felt more on the winter side, it's beautiful outside right now and i love it.
• candy. duhhh

I am so excited about this Thanksgiving dinner! I can't wait. :)

If you want to donate, you can call me or any of the numbers listed. Also, feel free to stop by and have some delicious food and have a good time!

Hey Santa, I'm over here!

1. Cat Air Freshener-Rainbow style. Could this be more perfect? I think not.

click here to purchase it for me.

2. A cute little outfit for Calvin. Here is a great example, but he's not picky. Anything would be great. 

 

I realize this is a dog. I need a cat one. Bad.

You can purchase this or one like it HERE.

3. This pillow because it reminds me of Joey Bear. And cuz it's cute, right? 

You can buy it HERE

4. "I love you to the moon and back" 

I love this. A lot. Buy it HERE.

5. Scrabble anything. A scrabble board would be a good start, but these are just lovely.

I want personalized words. Thanks. Don't buy these, make them for me. xoxox

6. These earrings. Or any cute studs that happen to be anchors.

you can purchase these HERE.

8. Cute wall vinyl. Such as this:

You can purchase it HERE.


 Of course, I would also love a new camera and a laptop. So, here's to hoping Santa finds me this year! I've been good...

Never a more accurate description of my life right now.

is it in the stars for me?

Okay, so I've never been one to read my horoscope on the daily or cared too much about it...until tonight. I'm sitting here at work and I stumbled across my horoscope. I decided to delve in and do a little research (well, sort of).

I am a Virgo. I'll spare you all the details, but if you do wanna know more about Virgos, click HERE.
Mostly, just know I'm sweet, charming, and a little shy at first.

As I was researching a little more about me, I discovered something rather serendipitous. Out of the very few amount of relationships I've been in, I was with a Cancer and a Scorpio the longest amount of time and neither ended up working out in the end. In both cases, more so the Scorpio, we got along great and it seemed as though we were very compatible in most areas.

However, it just wasn't meant to be...and I think I just found out why. Check this out:
Nearly Perfect Partners:
Cancer, Scorpio

 Really?? I dated my nearly perfect partners? Both of them? Geez, I wish I woulda found this shit out sooner!

Turns out like this:

Perfect Partners:
Taurus, Capricorn


So now I'm all sorts of confused and a little disheartened. I mean, so far, this astrology stuff is really turning out to be truth in my life. I mean, seriously, I have dated two nearly perfect matches and neither has worked out in the end. What are the odds?

My mission: Find and date a few more nearly perfects just so that I don't have to settle down or commit just yet. But you better believe that when I'm ready for the white picket fence, I'm all over the Taurus and Capricorn folk.

Do you believe in this stuff? I do. For now.

grateful because...

• I got to go to Zion with Horizon House today and go hiking. The hiking part sucked for me because I'm a little out of shape. And by a little, I mean a lot. The rest of the trip was fun and I got to know some more amazing people a little better. Life is good! 
• The nap I got to take after Zion and before I came to work. So amazing. Wish it could have lasted all night, but I'll take whatever I can get. 
• showers.
• looking forward to the shower I'm going to take in the morning when I get off work.
• people who inspire me to be a better person and to just be me! 
• Calvin. Holy crap, I love that cat. So much. 
• Words with Friends on Facebook. Don't hate. 
• I've had an overwhelming number of people say they will donate to the Thanksgiving dinner that we are putting on for the community. I have had people I don't even know call me and want to donate coats and food-- that's freaking awesome. Anyone is invited to attend and I'm hopeful that we'll be able to help some people in need this year. 
• I'm sober. Even though sometimes (like while I was hiking) I think to myself that it'd be more fun drunk, I know that I would be a hot mess. I really do love my life right now and I'm pleased with the direction it's going-- I know drinking would definitely mess that up. 
• I'm grateful that my mom texts/calls me sometimes. Today she did. I like it. 
• I'm grateful that my studly little bro went to Sadies with his dream date tonight. Awesome!
• I'm grateful that I got out of bed today. Today was one of those days that I just didn't want to do anything. I have those days a lot. But then when I actually get out of bed, I'm glad I did. Thanks to the roomie for "encouraging" me. ha
• I'm grateful that I have a roof over my head, food to eat, great friends, an amazing family and the coolest cat on earth.

11/11/11

Today would make a good day to get married. Maybe I'll get on that. Anyone want to get married by midnight tonight?

I am gonna make a wish at 11:11 AM and PM. The same one. I hope it comes true.


Hope ya'll have a magical day.

blast from the gangsta past- Thanksgiving 2009

Joey and I- Thanksgiving 2009

I used to be a thug. Joey is still a thug. I love that kid so much. :)

TGIF, again.

Today is Friday. Yay! 

I love the weekend! Not sure why since I live at work from Thursday-Monday...but I do. 

I have quite a lot of fun things going on this weekend and I'm pretty excited about it.

• I am going to Zion on Saturday with the mentor program for Horizon House! It should be tons of fun!
• I'm gonna be crafting up a storm for my Etsy store. 
• I am taking some family pics for April and her family. Ha ha, should be interesting. I'm excited and they're all super hot, so I'm sure it'll turn out great even with my not-so-fabulous photography skillz. 
• I am going to be trying to get donations for a Thanksgiving dinner that the mentor program is putting on for the community. We need used coats that people don't want anymore(any size), food, and people! If you want to help out, hit me up. It should be pretty awesome! 

Today I'm grateful for:

• L.O.V.E.
• my family <3
• Calv, of course.
• HHW
• my job
• my grandparents. both sets. i'm lucky they're all still around. and I've spoken to all of them in the last few days. sweet.
• my grandpa. he's pretty amazing. i've been hanging out with him a lot more lately and i love him so much. 
• my roomie.
• Ape Dawg
• trying new things
• my sponsor
• Tia- this lady does more for others than anyone i know. seriously, she's amazing.
• honesty. 
• hope
• my HP
• people who treat others with kindness all-the-time. great examples to me.
• the stupid sheriffs. sometimes they bug the shit out of me, but i am grateful for what they do...when they actually do their job and not just bug me all night.
• i'm grateful for all the opportunities i have today.

Ode to my kitty, Calvin

If you've ever met me or read this blog, you know about Calv. You may also know that I used to hate cats. And lets be real, I still hate most cats. There's something special about Calv...he's mine. Many of my blogging friends have children and they like to brag about them on their blog. I would like to take this post to brag about my kid, who also happens to be a cat. Here goes:

• Calvin is the best cuddle buddy I have ever met. Seriously, when he wants to cuddle, he's great. Sure, there are times when he doesn't want to cuddle and he bites my face instead. I still love cuddling with him.
• Calvin is feisty. He doesn't put up with shit from anyone. He may be small but he's got heart....and super sharp claws. Don't mess with my cat. 
• Calvin's full name is Calvin James Decker. He goes by Calv or Calvie. 
• Calvin likes to play. All.the.time. I can't really blame him, so do I! Sometimes when Calvin has his little Angry Bird toys (which happen to have bells in them) out I wanna throw them in the garbage can...instead, I just wait for him to accidentally lose them. Underneath our couch is home to about 10 cat toys at any given time. We only get them out for special occasions...like when we'll be gone.
• Calvin purrs a lot. I would guess if he were able to speak, he'd be at about 200 words by now and he's only 4 months old. Seriously, I have a smart cat people. He can almost read, too!
• Calv sleeps in the cutest positions...like with his head hanging off the bed or the couch. 
• Calv gets freaked out by his own tail.
• Calvin likes to poop in his liter box at the exact time I happen to be cleaning it out. Without fail, this happens every time. Sweet little guy...
• Calvie doesn't like to be tied down. He always finds a way to get his collar off or tries to choke himself with it...in the end, the collar never lasts more than two minutes. 

More to come later, I'm sure. I love little Calvin. :)

happie thursday

• i'm grateful for things that happen that don't make sense at the time, but then later on they make perfect sense.
• i'm grateful that i'm sober.
• i'm grateful for Calv.
• i'm grateful for my lappie. 
• i'm grateful for Cola. 
• i'm grateful i got to hang with my grandpa today. btw, if you ever want cheap, good food....eat at the hospital. seriously, cheapest menu ever. yum.
• i'm grateful that i'm going to bed right now. goodnight. :)

Is it really Wednesday? Cool, man.

one of the bags i made

• I'm grateful that I got 5 makeup bags completed and posted in my Etsy store. You can check them out HERE.
• I'm grateful that I got to hang out with my grandparents all day while I was sewing at their house. I'm gonna have to do that more often because it was fun to just be there with them.
• I'm grateful that I got to cuddle with my kitty all morning. 
• I'm grateful that I got to go to the SUU mens basketball game and they won! Thanks for being my date, again, April. :)
• I'm grateful that April is my official date for any sporting event known to man. Thanks dude. 
• I'm grateful that the SUU cop who was at the game and sat on the row behind me didn't have to arrest me for being drunk. That's pretty neat. I didn't even get nervous that he was sitting by me...except when I was yelling profanities at the referee...that's not illegal, right? 
• I'm grateful that I got to eat Subway for dinner. So delicious. mmmm
• I'm grateful that I got to have a day off and didn't waste it all sleeping. It didn't last long enough, but it was nice! 
• I'm grateful that I get to go to group tomorrow. Pretty sure I'm a hot mess and I like going and talking about all of my craziness. Weird, I know. . . 
• I'm grateful for a good roommate. I know I say it a lot, but it's true. Our apartment is way too small to have a roomie you don't like...I can't imagine. Thanks Jazz.
• I'm grateful for cute texts. 
• I'm grateful that I remember what I did last night. Pretty neat.
• I'm grateful that I have so many amazing people in my life.
• I'm grateful I got to pee in a cup to drug test today. Always a pleasurable experience. 
• I'm grateful that my sponsor invited me to "girls nite". She's way too cool for me and she invited me...awesome! :) 
• I'm grateful for my tattoos. I mean, sure, I have one or two that might not make much sense right now...but they're part of me and I like them. I can't wait to add this to it: 

i have the anchor and i really, really NEED to words now. i love it!

Hope ya'll have a fantastic day/night...whichever it is for you! 

So at basketball games during timeouts or halftime they have this thing called "Kiss Cam". They put the camera on two random people and expect them to kiss in front of everyone. At SUU they now started doing, along with the "Kiss Cam", the "Flex Cam" (where they put the camera on you and you flew your guns for everyone), and the "Dance Cam" (you dance, duh).

As I was sitting at the game tonight, praying I didn't get the one of the "cams" on me, April and I were talking about how they should have "Whore Cam" or"Wow, you have a lot of makeup Cam", or "Damn, can those shorts get any shorter Cam"...Enough with the kissing, people. Kissing gets old. Lets spice things up a bit.

What kind of "Cam" would you most like to see at SUU (or any other venue)?

tuesdays with Jilly

Have you read the book Tuesday With Morrie? If not, do it. It won't disappoint...unless you're a mean old person or something.

Anyway, today I'm grateful for:

• my day off <3 
• Calv for being my BFF
• crocheting
• netflix
• good friends
• Joey Bear
• my bed
• my warm house
• the breakfast burrito i made for lunch/dinner
• blog stalking other people who inspire me
• cruising 
• my cute little kitchen table. thanks dad
• that i didn't forget to call in for drug testing. 
• the fact that i didn't have to drug test today.
• looking forward to lots of good things to come while still enjoying the "right now"

a day in the life of a glamour gurl

It isn't easy being glamorous all of the time. I mean, it takes a lot of hard work and dedication- along with a lot of natural abilities. I've decided to share my secrets with the world. If you want to be a glam gurl (or beau), this is for you...


1. Never go anywhere without make-up. If zits are showing, you aren't rockin'. What if someone you know is there? Wouldn't it just be awful to be seen with your nude face on? Geeez. Don't do it. Ever.

2. Always apply a fresh coat of mascara before leaving the car. I keep separate tubes of mascara at work, in the car, in my purse (backpack), and in each room of my house. Never be left stranded without it. This could turn deadly. If possible, eyelash extensions are a must. Seriously.

3. Basketball and sweats should only be worn in bed, if at all. Seriously, how unglam would it be to wear them out in public. Major no-no.

4. Ponytails are for ponies, not people. Simple enough, right?

5. Lip gloss or lipstick is essential. Never have plain lips--they look think and just plain ol' blah.

Thanks for tuning in for the first "Glam" sesh. I hope you've all gained some beauty tips that are sure to impress. Now, go out into the world (or if you live where I live, Wal-Mart) and show all those other bitches what's up! Remember, being a glam girl isn't easy and isn't for the faint of heart. Happy trying.

reason #4859 that I love my job

Thanks to the trucker who ever-so-kindly removed the mouse from behind the counter for me and gave him a proper disposal. GAG!

Help!

I have a huge dilemma and a quite perplexing question:


Here's the problem. I happen to be an old maid. That's not the problem, though. The problem is that I am also a cat lady. Since I am an old maid, I like to crochet...and my cat really loves yarn, too.

HOW DO OLD MAIDS (WHO IN TURN, ALSO TURN INTO CAT LADIES) CROCHET? I mean, seriously, whoever decided that old maids should be cat ladies obviously never tried it. It's totally not working for me.

So if you know the answer, please share. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I love my cat AND I love crocheting but they don't seem to mesh.

monday already?

Monday's are like my Saturday. This is a very good thing. I plan to spend my day off crocheting and sewing, along with a hefty amount of sleep. For this, I am very grateful. I really do have a pretty great life today and I'm happy about that.

I am also grateful for family, friends, good food, and my kitty. Hope you all have a fantastic Monday and a great week to follow.

Monsters and stuff

Baby Monster Family

CLICK HERE for my Etsy page and to see more stuff...

Sunday, that one day...

Today I'm grateful for a cool boss. He makes work less of a bitch...most of the time. :)

Today I'm grateful for a couple extra hours of overtime. My paycheck needs a little padding.

Today I'm grateful for Diet Coke. Yummmmmm

Today I'm grateful that Britt (and her lover...and her other lover?) came and saw me at work. Cute.

Today I'm grateful that I got to see Joey in a "Ken" (as in Barbie and Ken) wig....priceless.

Today I'm grateful that I have been crafting for like 5 hours and I've been getting paid to do so. Bonus.

Today I'm grateful that I bought lots of veggies. I can't wait to go home and chow them down.

Today I'm grateful for true friends.

Today I'm grateful that it's not windy. The building feels a lot more secure tonight than the previous two nights...

Today I'm grateful for band-aids.

Today I'm grateful for Monster Cookies. I am going to do some serious baking when I get off work. I haven't had them in years and I'm stoked about it. Don't know what a Monster Cookie is? Click HERE.

Today I'm grateful that I got all my laundry done. And I even put it away. Usually I don't do that part.

Today I'm grateful for my new socks. They have aloe in them or something to promote healthy heals. I'll let you know...

Today I'm grateful for my cute new earrings. They were quite the find. I'm pleased.

Today I'm grateful for pandora.com---it surely helps time pass more quickly.

Today I'm grateful for you. :]

fall back.

Usually I'm really, really excited for the time change. Today that is not the case. I will be at work an extra hour instead of in my nice, warm, cozy, twin bed. Bummer.

Oh well, I guess there are a few perks..I will get yet another hour of overtime on my check and I like that. I guess that's the only benefit I can think of for this wonderful mishap. As for now, I'm crafting and I hope it snows 10 feet so that the truck stop will be even more dead than on a regular Saturday night. Wish me luck!

grateful for snow, snow, snow...

It's snowing outside and I'm working at the ol' truck stop. I am so grateful for the snow tonight. Don't get me wrong...I don't actually love snow, but tonight it's making work much more enjoyable. You see, people don't like to come out to the truck stop when it's snowing, apparently...I get to sit here all by myself and ponder on all the many questions about life I have. I think I'll enjoy this night with a warm cup o' Joe (what the hell does that even mean?) and a good movie.

Today I'm also grateful for lots of other things:

• I got to go to the SUU women's basketball game. They kicked ass and won by 20 points. I enjoyed myself and had some good friends with me, too. Score. 
• I got to cuddle with Calv all day in my nice warm bed. I love that little guy. 
• I didn't have to shovel any snow. 
• No one in my fam ended up in the hospital today. I'ts 11:36pm, so I may have spoken too soon...but I'm pretty confident that they're all safe in bed by now. 
• I shaved my legs. I mean, I usually do but today was just extra nice because I had new sweatpants to put on afterward. I love that feeling. 
• I got a really sweet note from someone today. That made my heart happy. I like getting notes/texts/e-mails/letters/etc randomly. 
• I ate a super delicious lunch (dinner) with Ape. Yummmmmmm.
• I turned something over to my HP that has been bugging the crap out of me. I don't have any control over the situation anyway, so it feels nice to let go. 
• I am grateful I still have friends after all the shit I've put them through. On the same note, I'm grateful my family still talks to me and from what I can tell, they still love me. 
• I am super grateful I don't work outside or driving a truck. My heart goes out to all of you. Seriously though, what an awful thing to have to hang out in snow all day. 
• I am grateful for love. Not romantic love, because lets be real, it's been a minute since I've had that, but just love in general. The kind that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy because you know someone cares about you. I like that. 
• I am grateful for water. I drank a lot of it today. I should drink more of it all the time. I forget how delicious it is...

Anyway, I'm off to my coffee and movie hour. Happy weekend! :]

graterade

i need me some serious gratitude list making. i'm being a hater today and it should stop. here we go. . .

• i'm grateful that i got to spend time with my grandparents today. 
• i'm grateful that grams is doing okay...
• i'm grateful that gramps seems to be doing okay, too.
• i'm grateful i got to see Enna for a bit today.
• i'm grateful that Avril is on the radio right now. emo fest.
• i'm grateful for Calv. He just cuddled with me today and i liked it. 
• i'm grateful that i got paid. 
• i'm grateful that i got new undies today. i love new underwear.
• i'm grateful that the house is clean.
• i'm grateful for good friends. I think I'd die without Bryan today. thanks man. 
• i'm grateful that i got to get my 6 month tag in NA with my group there with me. cool.
• I'm grateful for sweet text messages that come out of the blue. 
• i'm grateful for my HP.
• i'm grateful for HHW. 
• I'm grateful I got to go pee in a cup today. sometimes it just puts me in check. 
• i'm grateful that my dad let me borrow his car today. thanks dad.
• i'm grateful that i got to cruise with Ape today before work.
• i'm grateful i got to kiss Joey on two different occasions today. lucky me!
• i'm grateful that i had a delicious dinner of broccoli soup and a yummy sandwich, all of which i had prepared and frozen so i could be lazy and grab them real quick before work. 
• i'm grateful that people are so freakin' awesome. Joey got asked to Sadie Hawkins by the girl he's been crushing on hardcore. I don't know her, but apparently she's the shiz and I'm grateful that she's been so kind to Joe. He's the man.
• i'm grateful for Steph and Lisa. Cute little cousins. :)
• i'm grateful for Bud. He pretends to be bad ass, but he's cute when he's helping my grandparents. 
• i'm grateful for family.
• i'm grateful for hulu.com
• i'm grateful for Tia. 
• i'm grateful for basketball. i'm pumped for the game later today. 
• i'm grateful for britt face. i miss her, too.
• i'm grateful for Jazz. 
• i'm grateful that i got to talk to Jordan. miss her lots. 
• i'm grateful to be alive!
• i'm grateful i'm getting extra hours at work. and that i have a job. and that it's pretty legit. 
• i'm grateful for jackets. and shoes. 
• i'm grateful for my bra. wouldn't life suck without it? haha
• i'm grateful for jack, my ipod.
• i'm grateful for flowers and trees and grass. and sunshine. 

ah, yes. feelin' better about my life now. peace out!

back at it...

Since my last "grateful" list turned into a "hateful" list, I guess I'll start up the gratitude again. I do have a lot to be grateful for and I feel very blessed....it did feel pretty damn good to be hateful for a minute though. :]

• I'm grateful I have warm shoes on tonight. 
• I'm grateful for the warm sweater I wore to work. It's frigid in here!
• I am so grateful I get to see Joey anytime I want to. He's the man.
• I am grateful that it only snowed a little bit today. It was actually kinda pretty.
• I am grateful that I got to go to two football games and a basketball game in the last week. Sweet.
• I am grateful for my little kitten. He really is a cute little guy.
• I'm grateful to have 6 months a 2 days sober. Who woulda thunk?
• I am so grateful that my sponsor is helping me learn to be a spiritual person. She's amazing and I hope to be like her someday. :)
• I'm grateful that I get rides everywhere I need to be. Thanks for all who drive me. :)
• I am grateful I can pay my bills.
• I'm grateful my job allows me to blog all night. And anything else I want. And for my bosses. They are awesome!
• I'm grateful my grandpa is still alive and that I have a good relationship with him.
• I'm grateful that I get to learn how to have healthy relationships.
• I'm grateful that I'm able to be myself.
• I'm grateful that I get to believe what I believe...and not what someone else tells me to believe.
• I'm grateful that I have a phone! I like texting.
• I am grateful to have dishes that I get to wash.
• I'm grateful for a nice apartment to live in.
• I'm grateful that I get to be a whiny bitch whenever I want to be...
• I'm grateful for sleep. Without it, I'm a huge bitch.
• I'm grateful that my dad paid my student fees off so that I can get back into school sometime.
• I'm grateful to have so much support from my friends and family in Cedar.
• I'm grateful that I don't have time to get bored. Or at least very rarely.
• I'm grateful I'm healthy.
• I'm grateful for music.
• I'm grateful for face wash.
• I'm grateful that I don't get what I deserve.
• I am grateful I get to spend time with loved ones.
• I am grateful for the warm clothes I have.
• I am grateful that I got to hang out with rad people, watch basketball, and stay sober on Halloween.
• I am grateful that even though drinking sounds like a good idea, I'm still sober.
• I am soooo grateful for my sponsor and for her understanding and patience while still pushing me to do more.
• I am grateful for mascara.
• I'm grateful for all the things and people in my life.

Happy November!

Happy November, everyone. 

Hope it's a great month for all. I sure hope it's a super month for me, too.

I'm looking forward to

Thanksgiving,

basketball,

and cozy days watching the snow from inside the warmth of my house.