i'm ungrateful these days

So, for a while I was doing really well with writing a gratitude list everyday and it really did improve my attitude; then I stopped doing it because Thanksgiving was over. Well, guess I better start those little lists again. Sorry if they're boring, but I enjoy them and I need to make them.

• I'm grateful for almond M&M's- Joey gave them to me for Christmas. He knows the way to my heart. :)
• I'm grateful that I got way too much sleep today. I slept from like 8am-8pm. Sick, I know. But it was much wanted. And I didn't even feel bad about it. 
• I'm grateful for the new year coming up! 
• I'm grateful that I have a nice, comfy bed. 
• I'm grateful for my kitty, Calvin. For realz, who else would lounge around and sleep by my side all day? No one. He's the man. 
• I'm grateful that I'm not wearing flip flops tonight. My toes would be frozen! Shoes are okay, sometimes. 
• I'm grateful that I get to work on New Years Eve. Heaven only knows what a nightmare it'd be if I didn't have to work...
• I'm grateful for my fam. It's been a fun couple of weeks over Christmas break. 
• I'm grateful that it's basketball season. Boredom is easily cured with a nice game of b-ball. 
• I'm grateful for all the things I learned over the last year. Some of it sucked..and still sucks, but that's life, I suppose. 
• I'm grateful for my grandparents. <3 
• I'm grateful for love, hope, and happiness. 
• I'm grateful for Diet Coke. Man, these nights would suck a lot more without that stuff! 
• I'm grateful for hot water to shower in- the hot water wasn't working a couple weeks ago for like 2 days and I thought I was going to die. I would have been an awful pioneer. 
• I'm grateful for good friends. 
• I'm grateful that I have everything I need, and most of what I want. :)
• I'm grateful for New Girl. Funniest TV show ever. And I'm grateful that I can watch it for free online. Hulu.com is pretty awesome. 
• I'm grateful that I can, for the most part, support myself. First time ever. 
• I'm grateful for the great weather here right now. No snow= happy Jill. 
• I'm grateful for the opportunities that I have in my life right now! So very blessed. 
• I'm grateful that I can wake up and not feel like I'm about to die. Miracle!

8 months sober

8 months sober today!

You know, life is funny. I thought that being sober would make my life "easy" or at least easier. Seems like lately shit is kind of hitting the fan and there's not anything I can do except keep being sober. This morning I woke up early and went to the hospital to visit my grandpa; while I was there my grandma came to visit and got admitted to the hospital, too. How convenient, right? I stayed and visited for a bit, but after a while it just gets too depressing in there for me.

Luckily, I went to the noon AA meeting or I think my day would have ended a lot differently. It was good to get out of my head and be with other people in recovery who are doing this shit, too. After the meeting, I went and watched a couple of CHS basketball games since Joey is the team manager. I accidentally sat on the visitors side during the first game and since my stress level was already soaring, I almost punched a stupid guy in the face over a basketball game. haha....Luckily, that didn't happen AND Cedar won by like 40 points.

My day was starting to look up and then I got some more bad news. Ugh. I pretty much freaked out and wanted to quit life; luckily, I was able to reason enough to call someone who could help me. I'm so grateful that even when I'm in a really shitty place, I know I can always call someone for help. I got to go in a sweet van ride and talk to someone who really helped put things into perspective. When I left, I almost felt silly for being so dramatic about what is going on. I mean, sure, it sucks...but my life is still pretty damn good.

Today I'm grateful for:

• Hope. And people who remind me that there is hope, even when I can't see it. 
• Joey. It was great to spend some time with him today. I love basketball and Joey, so it was pretty awesome.
• Calvin. I freaking love that cat. 
• My grandparents. I love how in love they are still, even after like 60+ years of marriage. 
• Good friends.
• Horizon House- pretty sure I owe them my life, for real. Especially on days like today. I'm grateful for all the staff and counselors that dedicate so much time to help people like me.
• Fun things coming up. Planning a trip to San Fran with April! Should be fun!! 
• I have a house, a bed, heat, food, and a car to drive today. That's pretty amazing considering I had absolutely nothing not too long ago. 
• Love. 
• The sleep I got before coming to work. I was exhausted and it felt so good to get a little nap. 
• The opportunities I have now that I'm sober. Life, even with all the crazy stuff going on, is really great today. 
• 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, and 10th chances. I'm grateful I don't have to be perfect...even though I still want to be...
• All the things I've learned over the last year. 
• My family.
• The beautiful weather we've been having in So Utah! Amazing! 

I would love this right now...

2011 was pretty amazing--how will 2012 compare?!

I know this year isn't quite over, but I thought I'd make a quick list of things I did in the last year and things I wanna do next year! Hopefully I'll have a few things to add to 2011 by the time 2012 gets here! Anyway, here it is...

In 2011 I:

• Had a couple of really fun trips to California with Jordan.
• Played Loveopoly for Valentines day.  I made it up. ha ha 
• Jordan came to Utah, knocked on my window and surprised me. Best thing ever, to this date. 
• Missed Joey's birthday. And Jr. Prom. 
• Snow in Vegas! Weird..and funny because people freaked out over less than 1/2 an inch of snow.
• Had my first (and hopefully last) ride on a Greyhound Bus--it failed miserably. 
• Spent New Years Eve in a ghetto ass bar in Vegas with lots of old drunk people. I didn't get a New Years Eve kiss and I probably barfed a lot. 
• I had lots of drunken bbq's--I do miss that. 
• Lots of drunken fights, arguments, and driving. 
• I had my heart broken. 
• Left someone that I love.
• Checked into rehab on May 5 and completed on June 29 (I think).
• Met some really, really amazing people. 
• Lived at the crisis center for a little over a month. Not too shabby. 
• Got a job. 
• Got my first apartment living on my own! And it's cute. 
• Got a roomie. 
• Adopted Calvin! I never thought I would love a kitty as much as I love Calv. I'm sure glad that he's in my life--I love him so much. 
• Made some new friends; made amends with some old friends.
• Had a lot of really awkward/depressing moments with my parents.
• Chopped my hair and dyed parts of it red.
• Hung out a lot with my grandpa at the hospital. 
• Got to see Joey be the manager of his last High School football game in Salt Lake! 
• Have been to lots of SUU basketball games with Joey, April, and Bryan. 
• Gained back some trust from people--they trust me to take Joey, to hang out with my grandparents, and to drive their cars. Holy shit, man. 
• Went to San Antonio, TX as a birthday present to myself.
• On December 29, 2011 I will be celebrating 8 months sober! Time sure is flying...
• I thought my family would never accept me for me--but turns out, things are going really well. 
• Had an amazing Thanksgiving with lots of really awesome people. No drunk fights and I can remember it all.
• Thought Calv was going to die--I was heartbroken. Luckily my dad pulled some strings, got him into the vet on a holiday and he was fixed with some antibiotics. :) 
• Adopted Gretchen. I'm still working on loving her. She's cute but I just love Calv...
• Still miss Jordan everyday and wish things could be different--and by that I mean I wish that I could have my cake and eat it, too. Clearly, that isn't possible. Damn. A girl can dream, right?
• Started believing in a higher power--although some days are better than others in that department. 
• Lost things--but gained so much more.
• Grew my hair out- it's getting long! I had it in a bun for the last 8 months-ish and now I'm wearing it down and it's pretty long! Coooool.
• Got one of my best friends back. Thank goodness. 
• Wanted to run away to Vegas everyday and haven't. Missing people sucks. 
• Thought about going running and haven't. haha...
• Got a couple tattoos. And by a couple, I mean 8. :) 

In 2012 I:

• Will complete rehab and aftercare stuff that I have going on right now. 
• Want to get back into SUU or school somewhere. I miss school. 
• Have a lot of amends to make to a lot of people. 
• Want to go to a Jazz game.
• Want to go to Disney Land.
• Want to go to Texas. 
• Want to swim in the ocean.
• Want to have a cool esty shop. 
• Want to run more (I'm not committing to anything just yet...haha)...and by more, I mean at all.
• Want to get a smart phone. I feel dumb with my non smart phone. Plus, can't play words with friends.....
• Want to take the foster care classes. I donno if they'll let me since I'm not actually going to do foster care right now, but I'll try. :)
• Want to go camping, at least once. Good sober fun...eek. 
• Want to go watch the NCAA tournament in Vegas. Wish me luck. ;)
• Want to fit into my old jeans. hahhaha....right....
• Want to go to Lagoon.
• Want to get a car.
• Want to get another job. 
• Want to spend a few days at the cabin.
• Want to spend a sober weekend in Vegas. 
• Want to make new friends, keep old friends, and have fun!
• Want to travel any chance I get. 
• Want to have a brain transplant--or have my life be like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind...either way will work. Lets do this shit. I don't wanna be sad anymore. 
• Want to try snowboarding--perhaps on the Wal-Mart bunny hill...
• Get my 1 year chip in AA --- hope so! 

What do YOU wanna do in 2012? Do tell...

Best Christmas EVER!

OMG, Christmas this year was more fun than I've had in a long time. I'm so grateful for all the wonderful friends and family that I got to spend time with over the last week or so. It's been very pleasant; I got hooked up with lots of awesome presents!

• I got tons of stuff from my parents---gift cards, money, hair/make-up stuff (that I picked out), etc. 
• April made me a magnetic Scrabble board that I absolutely LOVE! And some cute little scrabble coasters to go with it! 
• Jazz got me a cute sweatshirt and some awesome sweatpants! I'm wearing the hoodie right now--I love it!
• Jon and Marin made me a "JILL" board, gave me a cute necklace and some earrings! 
• Joey gave me some Almond M&M's--that kid knows me a little toooooo well! 
• Tannie and Mari gave me some cute jewelry and a gift card
• Grandma and Grandpa gave me some "Hello Kitty" pants--perfect, even my grandparents know I'm a cat lady. 
• Amy and Holli made me a cheese cake!
• Mila and D brought goodies for me AND my cats! That's the cutest thing ever. 
• Corinne gave my roomie and I a bunch of cute stuff for our apartment--the frame is my fav (so cute). 
• I got some UNO cards from a White Elephant party--and parted with some candy panties in the same gift exchange. Damn. 
• I got a cash bonus from my work--not a lot, but still....pretty cool. 
• I'm getting paid for 3 days for working Christmas. Bonus. 
• I didn't get drunk. Not even once! I remember all of Christmas this year- weird, and a little amazing.
• I have played more rounds of Rummy with my grandparents in the last week than I have in the last 5 years and it's been a blast! My grandma can't remember what she cooked for breakfast, but she sure can play some cards!
• Sub for Santa was a huge success and lots of fun! I'm relieved that it's over because I stress out about that kind of stuff, but I'm so grateful to everyone who helped make it possible! So awesome!!!
• Work has been dead for the last 3 nights- I've had plenty of time to play Words with Friends, craft, visit with friends, dream up new plans for my life, and have lots of new tattoo ideas. Life is good.

Bring on the sober New Years! My boss asked if I wanted New Years Eve off...I laughed. I will be working--better safe than sorry, right?? I figure I might as well get paid to hang out than to be bored and lonely on the biggest drinking night known to man. Sober New Years Eve parties should probably last a little longer than 1am...just sayin'. 

Anyway....I guess it's time to think about some New Years resolutions, eh? 

Happy Birthday, Dadio

Today is my dads birthday! Party time. :]


Pretty sure my dad is the coolest dad ever. And he is also my hero. He is always doing something to help someone else and always puts everyone before himself--even complete strangers. I'm grateful for my dad and that I get to spend time with him on his birthday this year.

Thanks for everything, Dad! I love you.

Merry Merrrrrrry Christmas!

Hope everyone has an awesome Christmas this year! I know I sure am. :) 

Can't wait to see Joey playing with all his new toys (the iPad 2). Wahoooo! 

Peace out and be safe!

so much to do, so little time-- Christmas is almost here!

I have so much to finish up before Christmas and about 60 hours of work to juggle in, too. I better get busy! Wish me luck!


Oh, and Merry Christmas!

I had a good post...but that'll have to come after the big day!


Cheers!

sometimes i have no faith in humanity...or love

Every lose faith in people? In love?

I do.

And then I just remember all the amazing things that have been happening lately. I still don't have faith in love--but maybe someday.

Oh, and just in case you forgot, I love Calvin.

Slacker Christmas Card- check.

holy bananas

Joey and I on the way to the dance!

poser

I just stopped for like 2 seconds to think about my life and I realized that I'm happy! For the first time in a long time, I can honestly say that I'm truly happy. Sometimes I get so caught up in the things I have going on that I don't take time to notice how I feel or what I think...sounds weird, but it's true. A few things happened this weekend that definitely made me glad to be sober and that I get to be doing something different; I don't get to drink when I'm bored or lonely, but it seems that I don't get bored anymore and I'm only lonely if I choose to be. Life is good and I'm very blessed! Holy cow, bring on the good times! 

a merry little Christmas to you....

Pretty sure I love my life. A lot. Things have been crazy...and will probably only get crazier until Christmas, but I love it!

My friend Becky made this cake! Sweet, right?

On Friday we had a fundraiser bake sale for Sub for Santa. I was expecting to make around $100-$200 dollars...we made $550.00! Holy cow! I have amazing friends who donated amazing amounts (and quality) of food and it showed!

So many people gave us so much money and I was amazed at the support we got. I had so many cool experiences and lots of awesome things happen- people are so freaking cool.


Anyway, if you're reading this and would like to get in on the sub for Santa project you can go here. We would love all the help we can get! I'm so excited for this and I'm so glad that I get to give back this year.


Have a wonderful weekend!

i miss this

I miss the carefree, doesn't-matter-if-I-wear-clothes days. A lot. Take me back!

Christmas < < < --- (that's a Christmas tree)...

This is the Christmas tree I made out of wrapping paper last year.

Tonight my roomie and I decorated our apartment. I haven't been feelin' Christmasy this year, but I'm glad my roomie insisted that we decorate. We still don't have a tree, but it feels much more like the holidays now and I like it. Maybe I'll construct a paper tree again this year...who knows?!

coughing is annoying?

This morning when I got home from work I decided to sleep on the couch so that my coughing wouldn't wake my roommate up. I was hacking my lungs up for about 20 minutes and I felt like I was going to die. The only thing in the world that I wanted was a bottle of NyQuil and a sleeping pill to knock my ass out.

Then someone knocked on my door. My neighbor from downstairs brought me some medicine. Ugh. I had to tell her I couldn't take it... Awkward and a little annoying because I really wanted it. Oh well, such is life.

Not only am I annoying myself by hacking my lungs up, apparently I'm buggin' the hell outta my neighbors too! Hopefully I stop coughing soon.

i went on a date with the most handsome boy in the entire world.

Today I got to go on a date with the most handsome boy in the world. :] 

We went to the movie Arthur Christmas. I had seen the previews and thought it looked cute- turned out even better than I expected! I even cried a little at the end- happy tears, of course.

I'm so grateful that I get to have Joey in my life and that my parents actually trust me enough to let me hang out with him. It was a great day!

perspective

Work all night. Take grandpa to one doctor. Rush grandpa to the next doctor. Pick up prescriptions for grandpa. Go to an AA meeting. Call Joey. Dump food in a bowl for the cats. Shower. Pick up roomie from work. Go to HHW for a group. Go to another AA meeting. Do mentor stuff. Back to work.

Sometimes my life seems like a giant checklist that I just need to cross off. I get overwhelmed, bitchy, and pretty miserable to be around.

For exmaple:

On Thursday night for the mentor program I went to Horizon House to decorate some Christmas trees for the Sub4Santa project that we're doing. It was a little chaotic and I just didn't want to be there. I was bitchy and just wanted to get it done so I could go home. I stayed for a couple of hours but didn't really do much except complain. But I crossed it off my list and moved on.

Tonight at the AA meeting one of the women shared about how she was so excited to decorate the trees because she was thinking about how happy it was going to make a family. She was one of the few who, despite the unorganized mess, kept working and re-doing the lights on the trees.  Wowzer... I really needed to hear that. Lately it seems like I'm just doing things to check them off my list. I don't really think about what I'm doing, I just do what I need to do and get to the next thing. How miserable is that? I want to be able to enjoy life and not just get through it.

This week I'm going to try to stay in the moment, look at things from a different perspective, and enjoy the hell out of it. I really needed this little wake up call.

I don't want my life to be a big checklist. Gross.

Holy Smokes, it's December!

Last night when I went to group at 6pm it was nice outside and I was wearing flip-flops; when I got out of group at 9pm I was still wearing flip-flops and it was not nice outside...it was snowing like crazy! I usually don't love snow, but I liked it this time. It is beautiful outside and everything looks so fresh.

I can't believe it's December! I don't know where time is going and I feel like it's only going to get faster. I have so much going on and I love it all! The holidays are so much fun and I'm excited I get to spend them sober and with people that I love dearly.

A few of my  friends on facebook posted this video and I thought it was pretty cool.

While I lived in Las Vegas I met a lesbian couple who were maybe in their forties or early fifties and they had two small children. At first, even being gay, I was kind of sad for the kids. I mean, I don't know what I'd do without my dad. He's my hero! After being invited into their home for their sons birthday party, I soon realized that their children were some of the happiest, smartest kids I had ever met. It was inspiring, to say the least. Although I don't know what I'd do without my dad, it was apparent that these two women had definite roles and that the kids were not being deprived in any way.

There are people who argue that if two homosexuals raise a child, the child will be homosexual. Maybe? But isn't it the same if two heterosexuals raise a child- shouldn't the kid be heterosexual? It doesn't work that way. I think that if someone who is able, both physically, emotionally, and mentally wants to have children, who are we to say they can't? I know plenty of heterosexual couples who should probably stay on birth control and never reproduce...but no one tells them they can't have kids.

I have wanted to adopt for a long time. Even when I was in a heterosexual relationship, adoption was something that I felt very strongly about. It was the cause of many intense discussions and a few fights. I believe that every kid deserves love and that it doesn't matter whether or not I'm the biological parent or not. Not everyone feels that way and to each his own. I don't know what life has in store for me or what I'll be able to do but I would love to adopt someday, whether it be with a partner or by myself assuming I'm in the position to care for a child properly.

I know this is a sensitive subject and it's something that I think about often. I wonder if I'll even have the right to adopt a child or how that will work out. I don't want  my sexual orientation determining whether or not I'm a suitable human being that could care for a child. I don't know all the laws and I haven't done a lot of research on this topic because I'm not in a position in my life where it's even relevant yet. All I know is that I hope someday I can have a family, too. :)


Happy December! :)

cupcakes and rainbows

I was late for work again today. That's twice in a row. At least today I was only 5 minutes late instead of 30 minutes late. I don't know what's wrong with me lately- usually I'm 20 minutes early. I feel tired and cracked out all the time. I can't seem to stop coughing and I can't even take NyQuil (or anything for that matter) so that I can fall asleep. I think I'm on my death bed right now. If you saw me right now, you'd understand.

I need a vacation. A real vacation. Not the kind that makes you more tired after you get home. I want to go somewhere by myself for like a week and sleep, read, eat good food, catch some rays, and sleep some more. Is that too much to ask? I'm planning it. Stay posted for details.

In other news, I will be making like 500 cupcakes to sell at the Sub4Santa fundraiser on December 10th. Who wants to have a cupcake baking/decorating party with me?? It will be so much fun....I have some ideas.

This week I have been able to hang out with my grandpa quite a bit. I like that. I wish that our hang out sessions didn't include the hospital, but they do and I'll take what I can get. Joey, Enna, and I are going to put up my grandpa and grandma's Christmas tree next week! I used to love helping them do that and I'm excited to do it this year.

Calvie is back to full health, as far as I can tell. He's back to running around and torturing Gretchen. I thought he'd go right back to biting and clawing me, but so far he has remained a little cuddle bug. He follows me everywhere and cuddles up to me. I love it. A lot. Pretty sure I love my cat more than you. Unless you're Joey. You might be tied with Calv, but he's up there.

I got 7 months sober today. I woke up to a text from my dad that reminded me. I have just been looking forward to 9 months because that's when I get my next chip in AA, but it was a nice little boost to remember that I have 7 months! Thanks father.

I have been listening to a country song on repeat for like 7 hours. More like 10 days, but I still love it. I'm sure it'll wear off soon.....I hope.

I miss Jordan a lot today. Darn.

Bored at work. Can you tell what it says? haha

Alcohol saved my life...

I've been wanting to write this for a while now but I haven't known how or what to say. I have also avoided the topic because in the past it has been a cause of conflict, shame, and a lot of hurt in my family and for me personally. Right now I feel like I have a good relationship with my family, regardless of my sexuality, so I am going to put it out there. This is not meant to make anyone angry or upset, it's just my thoughts. Although I haven't personally "come out" to everyone I know, I am pretty positive everyone knows. I mean, I lived with my girlfriend in Las Vegas--and most of my family met her, as did many of my friends.

The first time I told anyone that I might be gay was terrifying. I was surprised at the way my friends all took the news. In fact, nothing changed at all. No one freaked out or stopped being my friend. In fact, it was quite the opposite. They let me be the drunk, hot mess that I needed to be in order to be myself. They let me stay at their houses, puke in their toilets and cry my eyes out when needed. I needed to be drunk. All of the time. I felt like I was living one big lie. My friends knew that I was gay but my family didn't know- I was living a double life, in a sense.

I was waiting for the perfect time to tell my parents. I always thought I'd tell them "after I moved to a different city" or "once I graduated college" so I wouldn't be such a disgrace. Well, as it turns out, I didn't have to tell my parents... they found out in April 2009 after I went to Gay Pride in Las Vegas.  Not sure that's how I would have liked for it come about, but it did and I'm strangely okay with it now. I guess there would have been no "easy" or "awesome" way to tell my parents.

The next few months, to put it nicely, were hell. Utter and complete hell. My parents didn't take the news well and I tried to drown myself in liquor. I did a pretty good job, too. The months turned into a year and a couple of months; I thought that running away would solve all my problems. I moved to Las Vegas in September 2010 and stayed good and drunk until April 2011. At that point I was more miserable drunk than I was sober and that was a problem.

Even though my parents/family do no agree with my sexuality or my lifestyle, they let me come back to Utah until I could get into rehab about a week later. I am very grateful for that. I don't know what would have happened if my dad wouldn't have booked my ticket back to Utah the day he did. My life was going downhill very swiftly, literally and figuratively.

The day I had my alcohol assessment at the Horizon House on April 29, 2011 was the first day I hadn't had a drink in months. I was hungover, miserable, and scared shitless. I was crying because my body hurt but also because I knew that I would have to face the fact that I couldn't hide behind Everclear, cheap vodka, and spiced rum forever... or I'd die.

I didn't know how to be sober and be myself. I had never done that before. I didn't know if I was ready to never drink again, but I knew that I didn't want to drink that day because I felt like shit. Alcohol was how I was able to be me, although, looking back I guess it wasn't really "me". I was able to cover up all my feelings of guilt, shame, and embarrassment for being gay. I also covered up all the hurt  that I was feeling by drinking alcohol and blacking out. I was pro at blacking out. I guess I just figured that if I couldn't remember what happened last night, neither could anyone else. If only that were true...

Turns out that I hurt a lot of people, did a lot of stupid things, and probably killed my liver (and obviously my brain) by drinking-- all so that I could be myself.

Looking back it sounds kind of silly, but honestly, I wouldn't change a thing. I take that back. I would take back hurting other people along the way, if I could change the past. I can't do that, so I'm just doing my best to be a better friend, sister, daughter, granddaughter, employee and citizen today. I really love my life today. It's not perfect and there are things that I wish I had or that I could be better at, but overall I'm the happiest I've ever been. The best part is that I get to be me and I don't have to drown myself in liquor to survive. I can actually show up to family events without a water bottle full of vodka- or better yet, I can actually show up at all.


The weirdest part about all of this to me is that by being sober I have definitely made more genuine and caring friends than I ever did when I was drinking. These people love me for me and not because I can drink a gallon of Vodka and still walk (not coherently, but still...). I was certain that once I was sober and people knew I was gay, I'd have no friends. I was thought I was destined to be a lonely old cat lady who didn't have any friends.

While I may be a cat lady, I'm definitely not lacking in the amazing friend and family department. Everyday I'm amazed at how many people truly care about me, regardless of my sexuality or anything else. I guess I am just a lucky girl because I know of so many people who lose everything because they are gay.Sure there are a few people who routinely try to "save me" from going to hell and help me overcome my gayness. I know they are just doing what they think is right- and that's cool.

I am very blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life today and I'm so grateful that I am able to enjoy life sober and almost shame-free...I'm working on that one still. I know I still have a long way to go and that there will surely be bumps in the road, but for now I couldn't be more pleased with the way my life is going. I blame all of this on alcohol. If it weren't for alcohol I would never be where I am today or as happy as I am today. Seriously, alcohol allowed me to come to terms with who I am and now I get to be me sober. If you don't like it, you don't have to talk to me; I won't be offended. Plus, I have way too much going for me to be worried about what other people think about me.

Oh, and just for the record, I have been sober for 213 days today. That's 213 days that I mostly remember and that I've been able to be myself and for the most part be okay with me, too. 

Pretty amazing considering that last year at this time I was probably throwing up in a garbage can next to the bed.

people are cool. and nice.

Over the weekend I was overwhelmed with kindness from other people. I had people calling and texting about Calv non-stop. It might sound silly, but it really meant a lot. Yes, I know Calvin is a cat, but he happens to be the coolest cat in the world and I love him. I know that it probably sounds a little intense, but I am very grateful to those people who called (even the staff at Horizon House called! Both on and off shift...), sent me really nice texts, and came over to see me. 

Since I am always looking for an excuse to post pictures of Calvin, I guess now is as good as any time to post some more! It's a lot easier to capture Calv's cute little face when he can't run around so I've been taking pictures like crazy! 

Thanks again to everyone who called or texted about Calvie. :) 

laughing is my exercise

Can I just say I'm grateful for good friends? This last week has kind of been a nightmare (not all of it, but in general) and I think I've cried way more than humanly possible; I've also laughed more than I have in a long time, too!

April and I were eating some lunch at the park on Friday and I'm pretty sure I was sore from laughing. I would repeat the conversation, but it wouldn't be funny or make sense at this point. Just know that it's Sunday morning and I'm still sore from all the laughing. I even threw up part of my Big Mac during the process. Gag, I know...

Calvie is still weak and has a fever, but he's eating and I'm forcing him to drink water (I have a little squeezer thing and I shove it down his throat). We have slept 90% of the last three days and it's been glorious. I had to leave him to come to work and I'm really sad about it- I wanted to bring him but I know he'll be more comfortable in bed at home anyway. Sorry for all the cat updates...it's just that I love Calv more than most things in life and it breaks my little heart that he's so sick.

I'm in a hater mood, but I'm gonna make a grateful list. Here goes...

• I'm grateful that I have a job so that I can pay my bills and buy expensive cat food. 
• I'm grateful that my dad knows how much I love my kitty and called the vet (on a day the vet was closed), got Calv an appointment, and paid for it. My dad rocks. 
• I'm grateful that I have been able to sleep so much this weekend. I have been sick and feeling like poop all week, so it's been a nice break. 
• I'm grateful that I was only 1/2 hour late for work today. Good thing Calv woke me up...otherwise I would have been asleep all night. oops!
• I'm grateful for Ape and cruising. Lots of good laughs. 
• I'm grateful that I have so many amazing people in my life. Seriously, it kind of freaks me out. 
• I'm grateful that I get to be sober today.
• I'm grateful that when I'm having a bad day (or any day), I have people who care about me. 
• I'm grateful for Joey. 
• I'm grateful for love. 
• I'm grateful that I am not in a messed up relationship. Single for life, yo. haha
• I'm grateful for my parents. Happy Anniversary! 
• I'm grateful that Thanksgiving is over and it turned out well!

Calvie

If you know me at all, you know that I have a kitty that I just absolutely adore; his name is Calvin. I have never liked a cat before, but I love Calv more than most people that I know.

On Wednesday night he started acting a little funky and weak, but I didn't think much of it. By Thursday morning he couldn't move his hind legs. Since Calv is my cat, I thought maybe he was being dramatic. By Thursday evening he had a fever and still couldn't walk. I was freaking out. Well, maybe I still am... He has been very lethargic and sleeping 23 hours out of the day. I have been sleeping every minute that I can with him since I'm sick, too.

Calv tucked in my bed sleeping.

On Friday morning I called the vet. They were all closed except for one emergency clinic in St. George. I don't have a car and I don't have enough  money to drive there, pay for the vet bill,  and still live for the next two weeks. I was super bummed but I figured we'd just sleep all day and go in first thing Saturday morning to the vet in Cedar. At about 8:45am my dad called and said that he had gotten a hold of Dr. Esplin and that I could take Calv in at 9:15am.

My dad let me drive his car and he gave me his credit card to pay for the visit. I was so surprised...my dad knows how much I love Calv, but it's still not his cat. I'm very grateful for my dad.

Anyway, the vet gave Calvin some antibiotics and said that if it's a bacterial infection that the medicine would help.....if it's a virus, there is nothing we can do. I'm just praying for little Calv and hoping he's not in too much pain, either way. Not gonna lie, I've been kind of a hot mess this entire last week and so I'll randomly just start crying.

I'm so grateful to my dad for helping me get Calv to the doctor and for caring about him. I'm also super grateful for all of the people who have called, texted, facebooked me about Calv. Thanks everyone. :)

some yarn flowers and a little paper

I met some really wonderful people today at the Thanksgiving dinner. Although I won't share all their stories, this one really hit home for me.

The most touching part of my day was at the end a guy that I had met while play cards came up and asked if he could take part of the paper tablecloth home (we had markers and people all wrote what they were grateful for on them). I said "yes, of course....". He got tears in his eyes and showed it to me. He had written a little message for his daughter who was killed in a car accident that he caused by driving drunk. When he told me I instantly wanted to just hug the shit out of him. I thought about all the times I drove drunk and about my DUI. I am so grateful that I never hurt anyone and that I don't have to do that anymore. I can't imagine what pain he must have gone through and I can imagine, still goes through everyday. He is sober now and I am just so impressed. He is the coolest guy and would be an awesome dad! He was great with all of the little kids at the dinner. I don't know if he'll ever get the chance to be a dad again, but I hope so.


After we talked for a while I asked him if he wanted to take the yarn flowers we had made for the centerpieces to put by her grave. He looked surprised and asked if I would really give them to him. He picked out 4 or 5 fake yarn flowers and took them with him. He kept thanking me and acting like I gave him a million dollars--in reality, he got a piece of paper that he had written on and about 5 cents worth of yarn hooked to a twig. It really made me think about what I have to be grateful for and the meaning behind the things I place value in. It's crazy how something so seemingly simple can mean so much to someone.

Thanksgiving---done and over

Hope everyone had a Thanksgiving as great as mine was! I spent the day with some really amazing people and got to meet a lot of new friends, too. I loved today. A lot.

As part of the mentor program that I'm in at the Horizon House we decided to put on a Thanksgiving dinner for the community (kind of like a soup kitchen type deal) since no one else in town was doing one. We put up fliers, begged people for clothes, money, and a shit load of food. We cleaned and decorated the building, which btw, is not a pretty building, we cooked and baked, and we showed up a couple hours early not knowing how the day would turn out.

The place was packed! I was so amazed at how much food and clothes showed up at the last minute, but mostly at how many people showed up! Not only did people show up randomly to help volunteer, people came to eat and have fun, too! About an hour into the dinner people were getting a little anxious so I went and bought 8 decks of cards and some Uno cards. We had a spades tournament (apparently that's a jail game?) and had a blast!

We had food left over and money to spare (which we will be using for Sub-4-Santa). I'm so grateful that I was able to be there and help out in any way I could. I wouldn't trade today for anything. Seriously, I'm very blessed and today was amazing.



All in all, I am very grateful that I was able to participate in this and hope that we do it again next year! Now I'm excited to start working on Sub-4-Santa! :)

crafting and other things

So, the other night I painted like 15 frames and got them all ready for Christmas gifts. I had already made the thing that goes inside them, so I put them together. I liked them. A lot. Then I thought of something even better. I'll probably just leave them as they are, but I'm sorta peeved about it. Such is life, right?

Last night I attempted to go to bed at 8pm. It took me a while to fall asleep and now it's 3am and I'm awake again. Bummer. I am getting sick and I'm a cranky betch. Guess I should go back to bed since the next couple of days are gonna be intense.

First though, let me just tell you that I'm grateful for:

• days off work. they seem to fly by and don't really seem like a break, but I love it.
• Calvin chilling out and being a nice cat. 
• Thanksgiving festivities coming up and everyone who has donated for it. 
• group tonight. We are having a feast and who doesn't like to eat food with awesome people? 
• the weather lately. It's been on the chilly side, but nothing I can't handle. 
• people who encourage me and say really nice things to me. Not just any people (although, i'll take it from anyone), really freaking amazing people. 
• running into people at wal-mart who i have been avoiding for stupid reasons to find out they don't hate me. awkward, but cool. 
• things happening the way they happen. sometimes it seems like a nightmare but i love when i can look back (even a few days or weeks) to see that if i had gotten what i wanted, that would have been the shit show, for sure.
• my parents. i don't tell them enough how much i appreciate them for all they do for me. it's a miracle they even talk to me, let alone do all the awesome things they do for me. 
• the family gathering we had at mcdonalds on monday night for Joey. it was fun to have our whole fam together and just hang out for no reason. i wish we did that more. 
• the other day when i was bitching about everyone else, someone just said "be the change you want to see"....good advice. and it's holding true. it's not everyone else who needed an attitude adjustment...turns out it might have been me. still workin' on that. 
• my new kitty, Gretch. we changed her name to Jazzmine last night. i'm slightly worried about her because she sneezes. a lot. and it's gross. but i'm trying to love her. 
• JoAnn's. I go there at least 4 times a week. 
• getting coke with Ape. 
• all the wonderful people in my life. :)

Hope your Thanksgiving Eve is wonderful and joyous! 

weeeeeeeeeee!kend!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING WEEK!  

In 3.5 hours, my three-fun-filled-days of no working begins!

Although I may not be at the truck stop, I definitely won't be bored! I have a lot to do and not a lot of time.

• I need to find 20 old and or cute frames- all different, preferably. I will also need to paint and revamp them, if they are used. 
• I need to make a shit ton of food for the Thanksgiving bash we're having. 
• I need to finish a few birthday presents and think of a bridal shower present. 
• I need to fit some sleep in and maybe some lounging with nothing to do but cuddle with my kittens. 
• I need to get some serious bro time in- and sis time, if she's available. 
• I need to clean, clean, clean.
• I need to finish all the decorations and set them up for the Thanksgiving din. 

Today I'm grateful for:

• cute, thoughtful things that people say, often without knowing that it's such. 
• my boots. they may not be glam status, but they're warm. ha ha
• my new SUU gear that i purchased. 
• that i get to see Joey nearly every morning right when he wakes up. he's so cute.
• birthdays, weddings, thanksgiving, and christmas in the next month! 
• my Katz, both human and animal. 

And last but not least, I'll leave you with this inspirational thought of the day. Enjoy.

One song can spark a moment,
One flower can wake the dream
One tree can start a forest,
One bird can herald spring.

One smile begins a friendship,
One handclasp lifts a soul.
One star can guide a ship at sea,
One word can frame the goal

One vote can change a nation,
One sunbeam lights a room
One candle wipes out darkness,
One laugh will conquer gloom.

One step must start each journey.
One word must start each prayer.
One hope will raise our spirits,
One touch can show you care.

One voice can speak with wisdom,
One heart can know what's true,

One life can make a difference,
You see, it's up to you!

-Author unknown

happy happy hippy sunday

• I'm grateful for fabric, felt, and yarn. My life would be pretty boring right now without it. :]
• I'm grateful to have such a wonderful family. 
• I'm grateful for my roomie. She cleaned the whole house while I slept today. Thanks Jazz!
• I'm grateful for Diet Coke. yummmm
• I'm grateful that I got to go to HHW and hang with some rad ladies tonight. 
• I'm grateful for Ape. :) 
• I'm grateful for my HP.
• I'm grateful for the pretty leaves outside. They're almost all gone but I love them. 
• I'm grateful for love. 
• I'm grateful to be alive and well! 

weekend bliss

• I'm so grateful for my job. I've been crafting for 4 hours now and I have tons of cool things I'm making. Love it. 
• I'm very grateful for JoAnn's Craft Store- my second home. I love it in there! Wish they had more stuff and that I could afford it all. I need a sewing machine in a bad way. 
• I'm grateful that I got 8 hours of sleep. I love it when that happens. 
• I'm grateful for my cats. Even though they fight a lot. 
• I'm grateful that Thanksgiving is coming up! I love it. 
• I'm grateful that I got to meet with my counselor today. She rocks. 
• I'm grateful for good friends. 
• I'm grateful for the trucker that just brought me some books on tape. Yes, tape. Who even has a cassette player anymore? Oh yeah, I do. Can't wait to listen to them someday. 
• I'm grateful for love. 

afterlife? yes? okay...

A year ago I was living in Las Vegas with my girlfriend Jordan. We were sleeping peacefully when I suddenly woke up after having a dream about my cousin, Kristen. Since I rarely, if ever, remember my dreams I decided to write a little message on her facebook wall and just say "hi".

The next morning I found out that my aunt had found my cousin unconscious just minutes after I posted on Kristen's wall. She was in a coma for a week and then passed away on November 23, 2010. I didn't get to see Kristen before she passed away, but I did attend her funeral. I don't remember much of it, but I'm grateful that I got to be there to honor her.

Although Kristen and I didn't see each other often, I always looked up to Kristen. She is about a year and half older than I am and I always loved it when she would hang out with me. When we were little, we would torture the younger kids together. I have lots of good memories with Kristen and lots of things that I wish we could have done together.

One thing I regret is the last time I saw Kristen, she was passing through Cedar with her boyfriend and they stopped to see me at my work to see me and asked me to go to an AA meeting with her when I got off work; instead I got drunk with my friends. I hated AA so much. And, of course, I wasn't an alcoholic.

When Kristen died it was a big wake up call for me but it still wasn't enough. We are both alcoholics. Instead of getting the help I needed when Kristen died, or even long before that, I waited until I couldn't keep drinking- physically or emotionally. I was pretty much the walking dead. The last year or so that I was drinking, that's all I did. I drank at school. I drank at work. I drank at home. I drank in the morning. I drank in order to spend time with my family. I drank while hanging out with friends. I carried liquor in a water bottle at all times. If I wasn't drinking, I was sleeping.  My life got to the point that I would have rather been dead than keep drinking and feeling like I was going to die all the time. I hated myself and I hated everything about my life.

I lost friends. I did things that I regret. I cheated people. I was a bad sister, daughter, employee, etc. Even still, whenever I would call my sister in the middle of the night drunk, she would talk to me and tell me that she loved me. My dad drove to Las Vegas more than once to pick me up after a drunken fight with Jordan. I'm very grateful to have such a loving family and friends. Although I felt like my life was over when I came to Utah on the Greyhound bus in April to go to rehab, I'm so grateful that I had so much support in doing so.

I feel a lot of guilt that I got this wonderful opportunity and my cousin didn't. I feel guilty that I made it out alive and that I'm able to live my life and be sober. I hate that addiction takes people that I love and often wonder why or how I'm still here. I know that everything happens for a reason, but sometimes it just doesn't make any sense to me. I hope it all makes sense someday...but until then, I'll just keep doing this for myself and also for Kristen. I know she's up there cheering me on and I'm grateful for that.

Thanks to all my friends and family for supporting me and loving me even when I probably didn't deserve it or act like I wanted it.

missing people sucks.

i wanna be angry today, but...

I wanna be angry tonight. I don't know why, but I can't. I have so much to be grateful for and I guess that is why I have been making all these gratitude lists. I tend to focus on the negatives a lot and then I write these lists and I wonder what it was that I was angry about.

Today was a super great day! I got to sleep all night and then actually sleep in and that makes a huge difference in my demeanor..I'm still bitchy, but not nearly as much as when I don't get enough sleep! My roomie and I decided on a whim that we wanted to get a friend for Calv. Margot, Lindsey and I set out to the pet store because we heard they had free kittens. We didn't find one we loved, so we headed to the Enoch Animal Shelter.

Talk about Cat Heaven. Seriously, the place was packed with cats. We were looking at all of the cats and one jumped on me. I freaked out and had Margot remove it from me and then it jumped on Lindsey. We kept looking, but I guess our cat chose us because we ended up with Gretchen (formerly called Spook). She's such a sweet cat and we love her to death. Calv, on the other hand, isn't so sure yet. He has been picking fights with her all day. I'm sure once they get to know each other that they will be best friends.

The only picture I have of her so far...there will be many more to come, I'm sure.

Dog Town

Today I got to spend all day at Best Friends aniaml sanctuary in Kanab, Utah. They are the biggest animal rescue in the United States.

I got to go with some amazing people and had a lot of fun. We took the tour of the facility in the morning and then we went to Dog Town and volunteered in the afternoon. I love playing with the dogs and I always seem to find at least one that I was the smuggle out and bring home.

I also convinced everyone that it would be a good idea to drive through Colorado City. I loved every second of it.

Today I'm grateful for:

• all the amazing people that I get to spend time with and that i'm getting to know.
• people who dedicate so much of their time and energy into helping others.
• music. and of course, Jack, my iPod.
• HHW
• being sober and getting to do all sorts of random things that I wouldn't be doing otherwise.
• being busy. much better than being bored.
• my job. i love that i work nights and have a set schedule. i am able to do a lot of things that i wouldn't be able to do if i had a "real" job during the day. who needs sleep anyway?
• my alarm clock on my phone. i mean, for real. i am averaging 3 hours of sleep every 12 hours right now. i have slept through my alarm the last 4 times and then magically wake up right in the knick of time. eeeek.
• diet coke. i'm dragging right now, but i'm hoping that it's magical powers will get me through the night.
• all the people who have so graciously donated money and coats and food for the Thanksgiving dinner that i'm helping plan.  i don't even know some of these people and they are just giving and giving and giving.
• Joey Bear. I got to see him and his shaggy hair for a little bit tonight. I love that kid so much. He's gonna be serving food at the shindig. If that isn't reason enough to attend, I don't know what is?
• my parents. they are pretty amazing.
• chapstick. iloveit.
• my friends. they put up with a lot of hermitness and also a lot of bitch status from me. lack of sleep and being anti-social in the first place isn't a good combo.
• my cute kitty, Calvin. i love when he's being cute and cuddles with me while i sleep. well, i love him all the time..even when he's biting me and making me bleed.
• AA/NA and all the people in it.
• dreaming. not while sleeping kind of dreams, but real dreams...the kind that i think about all day/night.
• the fact that i get to do my laundry at work. and get paid for it. nice.
• my grandparents.
• the thought of sleeping tomorrow for more than 3 hours. i hope it becomes a reality.
• meeting new people.
• loveeeeee.
• good memories of Thanksgiving last year with Jordan. we had a couple of friends over and made a delicious dinner.
• fall. although it has felt more on the winter side, it's beautiful outside right now and i love it.
• candy. duhhh

I am so excited about this Thanksgiving dinner! I can't wait. :)

If you want to donate, you can call me or any of the numbers listed. Also, feel free to stop by and have some delicious food and have a good time!

Hey Santa, I'm over here!

1. Cat Air Freshener-Rainbow style. Could this be more perfect? I think not.

click here to purchase it for me.

2. A cute little outfit for Calvin. Here is a great example, but he's not picky. Anything would be great. 

 

I realize this is a dog. I need a cat one. Bad.

You can purchase this or one like it HERE.

3. This pillow because it reminds me of Joey Bear. And cuz it's cute, right? 

You can buy it HERE

4. "I love you to the moon and back" 

I love this. A lot. Buy it HERE.

5. Scrabble anything. A scrabble board would be a good start, but these are just lovely.

I want personalized words. Thanks. Don't buy these, make them for me. xoxox

6. These earrings. Or any cute studs that happen to be anchors.

you can purchase these HERE.

8. Cute wall vinyl. Such as this:

You can purchase it HERE.


 Of course, I would also love a new camera and a laptop. So, here's to hoping Santa finds me this year! I've been good...

Never a more accurate description of my life right now.

is it in the stars for me?

Okay, so I've never been one to read my horoscope on the daily or cared too much about it...until tonight. I'm sitting here at work and I stumbled across my horoscope. I decided to delve in and do a little research (well, sort of).

I am a Virgo. I'll spare you all the details, but if you do wanna know more about Virgos, click HERE.
Mostly, just know I'm sweet, charming, and a little shy at first.

As I was researching a little more about me, I discovered something rather serendipitous. Out of the very few amount of relationships I've been in, I was with a Cancer and a Scorpio the longest amount of time and neither ended up working out in the end. In both cases, more so the Scorpio, we got along great and it seemed as though we were very compatible in most areas.

However, it just wasn't meant to be...and I think I just found out why. Check this out:
Nearly Perfect Partners:
Cancer, Scorpio

 Really?? I dated my nearly perfect partners? Both of them? Geez, I wish I woulda found this shit out sooner!

Turns out like this:

Perfect Partners:
Taurus, Capricorn


So now I'm all sorts of confused and a little disheartened. I mean, so far, this astrology stuff is really turning out to be truth in my life. I mean, seriously, I have dated two nearly perfect matches and neither has worked out in the end. What are the odds?

My mission: Find and date a few more nearly perfects just so that I don't have to settle down or commit just yet. But you better believe that when I'm ready for the white picket fence, I'm all over the Taurus and Capricorn folk.

Do you believe in this stuff? I do. For now.

grateful because...

• I got to go to Zion with Horizon House today and go hiking. The hiking part sucked for me because I'm a little out of shape. And by a little, I mean a lot. The rest of the trip was fun and I got to know some more amazing people a little better. Life is good! 
• The nap I got to take after Zion and before I came to work. So amazing. Wish it could have lasted all night, but I'll take whatever I can get. 
• showers.
• looking forward to the shower I'm going to take in the morning when I get off work.
• people who inspire me to be a better person and to just be me! 
• Calvin. Holy crap, I love that cat. So much. 
• Words with Friends on Facebook. Don't hate. 
• I've had an overwhelming number of people say they will donate to the Thanksgiving dinner that we are putting on for the community. I have had people I don't even know call me and want to donate coats and food-- that's freaking awesome. Anyone is invited to attend and I'm hopeful that we'll be able to help some people in need this year. 
• I'm sober. Even though sometimes (like while I was hiking) I think to myself that it'd be more fun drunk, I know that I would be a hot mess. I really do love my life right now and I'm pleased with the direction it's going-- I know drinking would definitely mess that up. 
• I'm grateful that my mom texts/calls me sometimes. Today she did. I like it. 
• I'm grateful that my studly little bro went to Sadies with his dream date tonight. Awesome!
• I'm grateful that I got out of bed today. Today was one of those days that I just didn't want to do anything. I have those days a lot. But then when I actually get out of bed, I'm glad I did. Thanks to the roomie for "encouraging" me. ha
• I'm grateful that I have a roof over my head, food to eat, great friends, an amazing family and the coolest cat on earth.

11/11/11

Today would make a good day to get married. Maybe I'll get on that. Anyone want to get married by midnight tonight?

I am gonna make a wish at 11:11 AM and PM. The same one. I hope it comes true.


Hope ya'll have a magical day.