picture dump and random shiz

It's been a minute since I did a "life update", so here it is: Life is good! I've been staying fairly busy with work and sleeping with some fun stuff on the side, too. Here are some pictures from my phone...they pretty much sum up what I've been up to lately! Hanging out with Lily, Joey, and Bearzie dog. 

I found out a couple of days ago that my gramps has cancer. Again. He'll find out whether or not they will be doing chemo/radiology in the next couple of weeks. Please keep him in your prayers. I love my grandpa so much and I don't want him to have to go through all of this for the 3rd time. He is an amazing example to me though and has been positive--I guess he knows a little more about life than I do. Regardless of what happens, I know that my HP knows what's up and will take care of my grandpa. I love you, Grandpa.

I got to see my aunt Leslie a couple of weeks ago for the first time in a long time. We didn't get to chat for long, but it was very nice to see her and see how well she is doing. Last November both her daughter (my cousin) and her husband (my uncle) passed away. I donno how she has such a positive attitude with all she's been through. Her strength amazes me and I'm grateful that I have her support in my new journey down recovery lane. 

Anyway, I guess that's good for the update...now onto the fun part. Enjoy!

Lily chillin' outside...

Cute baby Lily

Joey all tuckered out from babysitting Bear and Lily

Joey and Bear=BFF's

Little gangsters

Me, Lily, Bearzie

Cute! My 3 fav's.

grateful, grateful, grateful...

1. I got to hug Joey after his big game (as CHS football team manager). They won! YAY!
2. My mom learned to text. Weird, but cool. Keep it up mom. Same to you, dad...
3. I have a job...even though it's 1:40am and I'm tired, I know it could be worse. Could always, always be  worse. 
4. For good friends who care about me. I care about you guys, too. 
5. To be sober. Still. One day at a time. 
6. To be alive! And that I get to enjoy new things everyday. 
7. For fall. I think this just may very well be my favorite time of the year. It's perfect outside, not too hot and not tooooooo cold. Just perfect. I love the pretty colors, the delicious smells, and the coziness of it all. 
8. That today is Saturday! Not sure why it matters, but I like the weekends. 
9. I get to go to the women's AA meeting today. I haven't been in over a month and I'm excited to go back. It's my favorite meeting of the week, by far. 
10. My dad let me drive his car to work tonight. And lots of other times. But I really am grateful for all my dad does for me.
11. That I get to live life on life's terms and that I don't need (or get) to control everything. Just rollin' with the punches...or something like that. 
12. Coffee. I can't tell you how much I hated coffee until I started this job. Now we just have a love/hate relationship. It boils down to this: it keeps me awake= I get to keep my job= I guess I love coffee. 
13. The creepy (lonely) old trucker who "puts his teeth in" to come visit me. He really is a sweet old guy. 
14. To have a roomie who supports my sobriety and is in recovery herself! Awesome. 
15. For Ape Dog. :) 
16. For Lappie (my computer)...oh how I'd die of boredom without it. 
17. My family lives close to me. I really missed them when I lived in Las Vegas. I'm glad to be closer to them.
18. My boss. He's pretty cool. And he lets me do whatever I want as long as I get my shit done. Talk about a sweet gig. 
19. Corinne! Love that girl. 
20. I'm grateful that my grateful list for today is complete. 

See ya tomorrow for another fun-filled gratitude list, ya'll.

Are YOU grateful? tell me about it...

feedback...gotta love it.

So...for part of my "rehab experience", I get to attend a weekly group and we talk about stuff. You know, just regular stuff- who is dating who, sober sex/relationships, work, school, relapses, etc. Well I guess I was just having a shit fest this last week because the only thing I was advised to do was write a gratitude list.

Hmmm. At first I was a little put out. Why on earth would I make a gratitude list right now? (This happened on Wednesday) It is now early Friday morning and here I am, pondering...at work. And after only like 4 seconds of thinking, I decided that the feedback was correct. So here I am and here is my gratitude list for today:

• my sobriety- and all the wonderful people who have helped me get here without killing me first.
• my H.P. - for giving me so many wonderful opportunities
• my fam - we don't always see eye to eye, but I know they love and support me and I love them all so much. 
• my wonderful sponsor- she's always keeping me on my toes and helping me see things differently. 
• the fact that i have a job and that i can blog about things i'm grateful for while i'm working. awesome!
• my group- it's a random bunch of people that i would have never dreamed of being friends with, but they all help me in different ways and i'm very grateful that i have them in my life.
• my cute little house. and all the people involved in helping me get into it. and for all the donations of stuff to make it my home. the latest was bowls from Britt Face! Thank you. :)
• i'm grateful that i got to go to recovery day in St. George today. Thanks Jazz (and parents). It was fun!!! Yeahhhhh yeah yeahhhhhhh yeah (oh Jack)
• i'm grateful that Jazz is gonna be my roomie! no more hermit status for me. it'll be good for me. 
• that i get to spend time with Joey pretty much whenever i want. how awesome! 
• the fact that i know i could call 20+ people in the middle of the night if i ever need anything. and they will answer. and show up. sweet. 
• i got a scrabble table! (Thanks Dad!)
• honesty. people being honest with me and not sugarcoating anything. and the fact that i'm learning to be honest to myself and others, as well.
• even when i have a shitty day, i know that it's ten times better than it would be if i were to drink to solve my problem. i'm grateful for the things i've learned about myself and just in general.
• i'm grateful that i got to go to sunday dinner at my parents house. 
• people trust me with their kids. and they don't worry if i'll be drunk babysitting. 
• i got to hang out with MEELA 2x in the last week. :) thanks for doing my hair AND nails...even if i ripped the nails off. it was fun to see you.
• music. music. music.
• all the counselors and staff at HHW-- their dedication and support makes a huge difference. 
• my baby sis- i don't see her as often as i'd like, but i'm very grateful for her.

I could go on and on and on..but I guess I'll save some for tomorrow...and the next day...and the next. :)

hermit and stuff

• I've been a hermit for a while now. I sleep a lot. And stay in my darkened house most hours of the day. I like it. 
• I'm getting a roomie. We're gonna have a "haters" club. No one else can join. Unless you beg. or something.
• I am at work and it's 3:32am. Gosh, that's way too late/early to be awake.
• I ate crepes for dinner, thanks to Jordan and Britt. They were yummy. 
• I am dog sitting Bear. I love him and never want him to go home. But he leaves tomorrow.
• I'm planning my trip to Lagoon for frightmares. yikes! 
• Um, I have to drug test tomorrow. ugh. 

Maybe someday I'll think of something cool to post on here. But for now, this is all I got. xoxo

school!

I get to go to school Spring semester! YAYYY.

Thanks dad! xoxo

i miss this...

Everything WAS bigger in Texas...

Hey ya'll. I just got home from Texas. It was fun but I'm glad to be back in Utah. I went to San Antonio for an A.A. Convention. I met some awesome people, learned some new shit, and got to take a break from real life for a few days.

While I was there I got to do lots of fun stuff! Here are some of my favs:

1. The River Walk. Coolest, prettiest thing ever. I took the "river tour" that was about an hour and a half long. The boat was packed (50 people) and I got to meet a nice gentleman and sweat all over him. Yummmmmy.

2. Avenue Q- the musical. To be quite honest, I had never heard of this musical until I was invited to see it. And I loved it! It was awesome. I wanna go again!

3. Ghost hunting. I was a baby but I loved it. We went to the creepy as hell old house and found some ghosts. Some people talked to them..I just watched. I got some good battle wounds from running away and I'm proud of them.

4. Ate some Texas BBQ...because who would go to Texas and not do that?!

5. Found my new favorite sandwich shop...and that's hard to do. I love sandwiches and this place rocked!

6. Saw my first A.A. fist fight. No joke. These guys were intense! I liked it.

7. Went to a drag show, of course. Also, got my first crush on a drag queen....she/he was HOT!

All in all, Texas was fun. I missed having my friends and fam for my b-day, but I'm glad I went!

Somewhere someone is traveling furiously toward you, at incredible speed, traveling day and night, through blizzards and desert heat,   across torrents, through narrow passes. But will he know where to find you, recognize you when he sees you?
by John Ashbery (Taken from his poem At North Farm)

would you rather?

Tonight we're gonna play a game called "would you rather?"...yay.

Would you rather:

Use the community finger nail clippers at your place of employment (that everyone uses)?

OR

Clean the showers after truckers use them (sometimes there are surprises)?

Well, ladies and gents...tonight I chose both. I used the nail clippers because, well, I wanted to clip my nails. The second one I did because I kinda like having my job...

good crafternoon!

I made this for a wall in my living room. I like it.

I just made this at work. It's for my bathroom. It's a washcloth. Cool, eh?

my big "phat" gratitude list.

Ya know when you're just feelin' blue? Well, I got some good advice to make a list of all the things I'm grateful for right now. I don't wanna lose it, so you get to read it too! Here we go...

Joey Bear @ the football game!

• Joey Buffalo Ganster Decker (yes, GanSter)...He is simply amazing. He is the football manager for CHS and travel to American Fork to support them tonight. I wish I could have been there to cheer Joey on. When the football team was doing their fundraiser (selling coupon cards) and they didn't give Joey any to sell he felt left out so they gave him a few. By the end of the few days they were selling Joey had sold over 30 cards--beating everyone on the team. Joey is the most dedicated and the loving guy in the world. Thanks for showing me what it's like to put your whole heart into the things you do, Joey. I love you!

•  My home. I love living there and I'm so lucky to have such kind landlords. Furreal, best thing ever. 
• Sobriety. Even though sometimes I'm a little betch about it, I know I wouldn't have any of the people and things in my life that I do right now. I'm very grateful for the gift that I've been given.
• On that note, I'm grateful for the Horizon House for even allowing me to come there and to deal with all my shiz. The staff there are amazing. Thank you, thank you. I can't say it enough. 
• My fam. We don't always get along and sometimes I wish things were different but I always know they'll be there for me and for that I'm very grateful. I love you guys. 
• My sponsor. She's amazing and I love her. 
• My friends. I love you all dearly. Thanks for being here for me and for not giving up on me.
• My job. I'm very grateful that I work for awesome people. I love the owners/ manager. Seriously, thanks for giving me a job back even after everything. 
• lots more but I think this is good for now...right??

Go big or go home..

I'm going to Texas for my birthday weekend! OMG! I just purchased my plane tickets and I'm ready. Too bad I have to wait 2 weeks! Oh well, it'll give me time to prepare for all the madness. I cannot wait!

 Here's what I get to do:

• I get to Jenna! I haven't seen her in over a year so it'll be sweet to catch up and get to spend time with her.

• Go to an AA convention. First ever! (for me, anyway). I'm stoked!

• See what Texas is all about! I've heard plenty of good things about this place...but now I get to find out for myself. I haven't traveled outside of Utah, Nevada, Arizona, California since...2004. It's about damn time I start seeing the world! One state at a time...

I can't wait! yay! Bring on new adventures!

birth smirth

I just paid $18.00 for a copy of my birth certificate so that I can pay more money to renew my drivers license that expires on my birthday. Yay for being born! 

But seriously...$18.00 dollars for a piece of paper that says I was indeed born?  LAME. Even more lame that I lost my real birth certificate on the Greyhound Bus....now that's scary shit.

I'm lucky to be alive and that I was born in the good ol' USA. And now I'm done ranting about stupid shit that I caused for myself. 

The end.

my oh my...the ECRC is lookin' FLY..phase 1

Have any of you driven past the ECRC (Enoch City Rec. Complex) lately? It's looking might fine.

You likey?

crying at the truck stop...

Ruby ( i don't know her, but I love her)

Pretty sure I just read THIS BLOG and I've been crying. It's about a little baby who was suffering from a rare liver disease. She died yesterday. The blog documents her life and shows the hope that her parents and those who loved her had for her. I don't know exactly what it is but I just feel so sad, yet I have this sense of hope that I'm very lucky. And also that sweet little Ruby is in a safe place.

I've never really thought about how lucky I am to have such a healthy body. Seriously, I have done so much shit to my body that I should be dead. My liver should be the one that is failing, not a little baby. It had never occurred to me, until ...10 minutes ago, how lucky I truly am.

I'm gonna go cry some more and maybe start giving my liver some love...

And big thanks to my HP for letting me be healthy. I'm a lucky girl, that's for sure.

the first braid i've done all by myself. at work. all alone. yes!

this is a whiny post: don't read it if you don't want to hear me bitch about stupid shit

Urban Dictionary:

Whiny Bitch	18 up, 6 down
	One who complains, moans, bitches, or is an all around annoying dramatic pussy. Anyone who attends, is affiliated with, or pulls for the university of north carolina at chapel hill. If you fall under this category, you're a whiny little pussy bitch. What a whiny bitch you are...

• I am beyond tired and I'm getting sick. Graves are kicking my ass. For real. Ugh. 
• My BFF is going out of town. I donno what I'm gonna do. EEk.
• I was too tired to buff my floors today = no moving furniture in few a few more days. 
• My house is messy. And gross. I need to decorate in a bad way. 
• I need to learn to say "NO". I have too much shit going on sometimes and then I just wanna quit everything. Dumb.
• I'm sick of facebooking all night, every night...but I'm getting paid to do it so I guess I can shut up about that...
• My nose is running and my head is pounding. And my throat hurts and I'm a baby. 
• I need a microwave, a couch, a table, chairs, dishes, silverware, tinfoil and a brain. A heart would be cool, too.
• Speaking of hearts...mine's pretty messed up. I'm in a funk and I just feel sad. 
• I won't be going to school this semester. I'm not happy about that. I really wanted to go back. 
• I don't want to be responsible. It kinda sucks. 

I just feel like crawling in a hole right now. Maybe I should sleep and eat and then re-evaluate how I'm really feeling...but for now I just wanna be a pissy bitch. Get over it. ha

Sometimes ya just gotta get creative, right?

My homemade desk...hahaha

before and after: bedroom (not completed, but started)

Before I got to it...

And...after I got to it...I love it.

first night jitters...

I slept at my new house for the first time (well, the first time that it was actually night time) last night. I'd like to report that I was a big girl and didn't get scared...and that would be a lie. I was terrified.

I got in bed at 2am and about 2 minutes later I got up because I was so scared. I cleaned the kitchen. Like scrubbed the shit out of it. I unpacked some more boxes and I even did a tad bit of decorating. Once 5am rolled around I tried to get back in bed. Still scared, but I stayed there and finally fell asleep when the sun was coming up around 7am.

I slept peacefully until my parents showed up with some things for my new pad and some food. Yum. Thanks M & D. Then I went back to sleep until around 4pm.

I figure that my first night alone in a my new place would be the scariest. I'm working a grave tonight so I won't get to test the theory until tomorrow night to let ya'll know how it goes...Wish me luck!

little joys in life..

My view from the worlds happiest place on earth...

the truck stop!

this pic doesn't do the beautiful sunset justice..boy, was it pretty!

:]

Today has been a good one. I mean, sure, I've had two hours of sleep in the last 50 something hours; I'm sure I've been a real peach today. I got to go play with Lily this morning when I got off work and then I moved into my new house. And by that I mean I took all my shit there and haven't unpacked it yet. Really, I don't have a lot to unpack. Mostly clothes and random shit. I don't have any furniture and it's pretty bare, but I love it.

I jammed to my iPod and danced around in my underwear. That was fun.

When I woke up from my nap I was pretty terrified. I don't remember the last time I was home alone anywhere....I know, I know, grow up. But furreal, I'm a baby. I had to turn on every light...good thing the utilities are included in the rent!

Although there are FOUR dog kennels in the backyard, I was informed that pets are not allowed...wtf? haha. Oh well. I can barely afford myself and my plant so maybe a dog will come later.

Today I bought food for my new place. The only problem is that I forgot I didn't have a microwave OR any pots/pans...or dishes. I got home, starving, and the only thing I could eat was crackers and cheese. Livin' the dream, baby.

Do you ever feel like your life is a dream? Or that you're in a horror film? I do. But really, I'm a crazy betch.

Today...

• I wonder where all my money goes...seriously...
• coffee grosses me out and then i drink it anyway. lots of it. all night long.
• I feel like I'll never be good enough. 
• giving up seems easier than going through all the BS. But I won't give up. 
• I wonder why the hell I like Snus..Gross! but I love it. 
• I think about how awesome my life is and get really terrified. 
• I forget my past and where I've been. Then I remember it and remember why I'm doing what I'm doing today. 
• if I could hop on a plane right now I would. I'd go anywhere! 
• I get to move into my new house!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hooray!
• I'm gonna try my hardest to get a pet (dog or cat). Dream big, Jill...Dream big.
• I'm bored at work. Go figure. 
• is Friday! :]
• I want to sleep all day but that isn't gonna happen. 
• I love water. 
• I hope I don't have to pee in a cup. I hate that.
• I'm grateful for all the cool peeps in my life. Furreal, ya'll rock.
• I get to hang out with my beautiful sister Enna. 
• I get to spend time with my brothers.
• I'm gonna go grocery shopping for my new house, yet I have no dishes or any furniture. ha.
• I'm happy as a bee. Whatever that means.
• I miss you.
• I'm scared shitless and I'm gonna do it anyway. 
• I use "I" a lot. I'm a selfish little betch.
• tanning sounds fun. I shall go. 
• I'm gonna paint my bed. Black. I'll show you when it's done. Maybe...
• I get to play with Lily. She's cute and fun.
• I'll be coming back to work. So I'm sure I'll be blogging again. Don't worry. 
• I'm gonna adopt my plant back from my sister. Thanks for taking care of Benny for the last ...year. Pretty sure I got him as a baby and then I ran away so my sister was his foster mom. I get him back today. Finally. It's been quite the journey. Welcome home, Benny Boo boo.
• I applied at a couple more jobs. Even though I have one. I want more. More more more. 
• I'm rambling. As always. 

Lily Pie

Meet Lily Pie! 

[she is pretty stinkin' cute]

I almost forgot how much I loved music...wth

Do you ever forget about the things you love? ...or am I just a crazy person?

I almost sold my record player the other day. Why? I'm not sure. I mean sure I need money, but I highly doubt the $75.00 I would have gotten for the record player would have made me nearly as happy as the record player makes me. I'm glad I kept it. Now it's time to name him. The iPod is Jack and the laptop is Frank; I'm drawing a blank for the record player. Any ideas?

I saw my apartment for the first time today and I literally fell in love with it. I had looked at a few places and they were all pretty run down and gross; I did find one other one that I loved but the location was not good in terms of staying sober...ha ha. Right when I walked into my new apartment I loved it. I will post pics as soon as I get them. Yay!

Sorry that I'm obsessed with my new apartment. Don't worry, I'll probably keep talking about it for months...so get used to it! xoxo

movin' on up...and out

I get to go see my new apartment in the morning. I am stoked! I am going to live alone- for the first time ever. No parents. No sibs. No roomies. No girlfriends.

No one but me.

Needless to say, it's a big step for me. I couldn't be happier about this move and I'm so grateful that the landlords are freaking amazing. Like for real, nicest people...ever! Plus, I don't have to sign a lease or anything. I am pretty lucky to be able to rent from them--thanks to lots of people who helped me get into this place.

That's another thing. Ya know, I've always had a lot of supportive people and lots of people who would do anything to help me and I always took advantage of them. Now that I'm actually working for things and trying to do life on my own, things have been going really well and people have been very generous and have helped me with anything they could. I'm very grateful for everything I have and for all the amazing people in my life! Even my bad days are not bad at all..I've got a great life and I'm very blessed.

Now for the important stuff...like how I'll decorate it..and with what. I don't really have any furniture. And by that I mean I have nothing but a bed. Ha ha. Don't worry, I have a few ideas [thanks to pinterest.com]:

I'll make these someday of cities I've been to...or wanna go to...

I didn't find this on pinterest but I love it! Great [cheap] idea!

Since I can't paint, the walls might look a little something like this...perhaps.

I love this table. I'm gonna make it and it will double as my kitchen/coffee table. Classy, right?

So pretty much I will have a fancy house and I couldn't be more excited! Oh and any donations of junk you don't want will be gladly accepted. :]