Have you ever been so tired that you stare at a wall/computer screen/tv/book/etc for like 8.5 hours and didn't really do anything? Welcome to my night. I had a lot of studying to do but instead I literally stared into space. Weird.

I still can't believe that I got to go to Nepal! Seriously, that is the greatest thing that I have ever done and it was such a spur of the moment decision. I hope that I get to go back someday. 

But for now, I am working on being in the moment. I am always looking back or looking forward, but rarely just right here, right now. Hell, even in Nepal I had to really force myself to stay in the moment because it's always easier to focus on anything other than what is actually going on. 

I just bought this for my house and I am going to hang it up tomorrow. 

For one of my classes, Motivation and Emotion, we had to choose a goal for the semester. It could be anything: diet, saving money, going to bed at a certain each night, whatever...For mine I wasn't sure what I wanted to do but after thinking about all the things that I did want to do, this sort of encompassed all of them. I truly believe that if we live in the moment, everything else just falls into place and we (I) seem to be much happier. So here's to being here right now.

I had my weekend all planned out. I was going to be so productive and get all my homework done on Friday so that I could enjoy the weekend. I was going to clean my house from top to bottom. I was going to do a lot of things. And then real life happened. I spent my time at work and in my bed. I didn't do my homework (I have lots to do tonight now) and I only partially cleaned my house. I need a week vacation from life to catch up on shit...if only.

Instead, I'll probably be playing catch-up for the remainder of the semester and that's okay. Real life isn't as simple as I sometimes like to believe it is. I always have these lists and schedules written out but when it comes down to it, they are very unrealistic and don't allow for any time to sleep or just "me" time. So, instead of beating myself up over what I didn't do, I'll just be grateful for what I was able to get done.

Here's to being the best I can be this week.

And my favorite post secret this week:

the "beauty myth"

For my senior capstone project this semester, I am doing a research paper about women, their bodies, and the unrealistic standards they are expected to meet. Although mostly it has only made me angry and sad for women, it's also very interesting; there are so many books on this subject that I never knew existed and probably would have never read if not for this paper. 

If you're interested...or just bored with your life, you should read: 

"The Beauty Myth" by Naomi Wolf 

I'm about half way through it and so far, it's very eye-opening, interesting, and quite sad. The next on my list is "Mirror, Mirror Off the Wall" by Kjerstin Gruys. I'm reallllly excited for that one and that's why I'm saving it for last (or at least 2nd). It's her personal account of how she took her life back by not looking in a mirror for a year. If that's not cool, I don't know what is. Seriously, that's awesome and I don't know that I could do it. 

Anyway, since I haven't actually written a paper yet..or even close, I'll shut up. I'm just really excited about this and mostly that there are women who are standing up for themselves and others. People are beautiful. Make-up, boob jobs, designer vagina's (if you can call it that), the latest fashion, etc. don't make us beautiful- we already are and we just don't see it. In fact, Naomi Wolf said that the biggest challenge women face today isn't material status or even legal, it's psychological; we are so accustomed to striving for a "perfect" body, life, family, etc that we don't need laws holding us back...we hold ourselves back. Interesting stuff. 

And now I'll go back to reading because I have lots of it to do. :) 

grateful wednesday?

I'm a bitch lately. Big time. So, I'm gonna make a grateful list...maybe then I'll be nice. Maybe...

• I have a job. I have a job. I have a job. I have a job. 
• The weather is perfect. Seriously, I love fall. 
• Calv gets cuter every.single.day. I swear, that cat is my child..or something like that. 
• Joey came to my work last night at 10pm (that's really late for a school night) just to say hello. I love that kid. And my dad for bringing him. :) 
• On Sunday I got to spend time with Tia & Scout. They always make me feel better. 
• I have spent time with Britt and Ape, too. Those girls let me be crazy and they still (I hope) love me. And they listen to my crazy thoughts. That's cool. 
• Laura Prepon. That's all. 
• My tattoo is looking better. For a minute I was really worried because it was looking nasty and scabby. I guess that happens with real tattoos. Who woulda thunk? 
• I made the best playlist. I've had it on repeat for a few days now and it's still not old. I love every song on it. 
• School isn't horrible. ....
• I graduate in December. Holy shit. 
• I have no dirty dishes in my sink. And my house is decently clean. 
• It's my laundry day! I love clean laundry. 
• I have enough money to pay my bills. yay
• I didn't want to poke my eyeballs out in math yesterday. 
• I've been sober for 29 months and 2 days. weird, but good. 
• Diet Coke w/ Vanilla.
• My hair is still straight from when I had it straightened in May. Best $120.00 I've ever spent. Seriously. 
• I have the weekend off work! 
• My new duvet is the best thing of my whole sleeping existence. 
• My fingernails are pink. If that's not happy, I dunno what is...

Almost two and a half years ago, I got on a bus from Las Vegas back to Utah. I knew it then and I still know that I made the right choice for myself at the time, but the pain of what I had to leave behind is still real and sometimes unbearable. In fact, I'm not sure that I'll ever "get over it", as some people have suggested. I don't know how to make my heart un-feel the things that it felt and still feels. Sometimes I feel really crazy for still feeling these things- and lets be real, I probably am crazy.

One week ago I came face-to-face with the girl that I was once so madly in love with, for the first time in two and a half years. I had waited so long for that moment. And there I was and I didn't know what to do, how to act or what I should feel; I never expected for there to be that moment and for it to be happening was surreal. I wanted so much for it to be the same as it was before and in some ways it was and in others it was worlds different. We have both fallen in love with and given our hearts to new people, we are both doing our own thing and have our own lives, and yet with one look I was taken back to what used to be.

I wish I could say that things turned out exactly how I would have hoped and that we were living happily ever after... but that's not the case. No where near that, actually. I still love her and I wanted so badly for things to be okay and for us to be okay. And we are okay. We just aren't together being okay.

As much as it hurts (and probably will for a very long time) to say goodbye (again) to someone that I love, it has renewed my hope in love and in my ability to do it. For so long, I was willing to compromise things that I need/deserve in a relationship because I just didn't think that I'd find what I needed; now I know it's out there again. I needed to be reminded that the things I want exist and I can have them. It might not happen when or with whom I want at this moment, but it will happen. It might not look exactly like I think it will but it will be good and I don't have to compromise the things I need to get it.

Compromising is good sometimes but other times I need to remember that I deserve more and I will get more- Thanks to Ash for reminding me of that.

what is love?

In my Motivation and Emotion class a few weeks ago, we discussed what "love" (in a romantic context) means and how to get it. I think everyone knows what love feels like, but when asked to describe it, things can get crazy. Try it!

People were throwing out things like: you take care of them when they are sick, you like having sex (or physical intimacy), you have things in common, you feel good with them, etc.

Anyway, as we were talking about it and sharing what we think it means, someone raised their hand and said "companionship". The professor literally jumped out of her chair and thanked him for sharing what she was looking for- she had been waiting a good ten minutes before someone said that word: companionship. She went on to say that, yes, it was a type of love. She then pulled up this picture:

She asked us each to think about which type of love we have had/have in our own relationships and also to think about what our friends and family have (from our perspective). A lot of people said that their parents seem to have "empty love" (commitment) but perhaps lack the passion and intimacy.

As I was sitting in class I felt like a ton of bricks hit me. I didn't want empty love or even companionate love but I also don't want just infatuation or liking. I want the whole deal. Every single part of it.

I can't think of anything more depressing than to be with someone because it's comfortable or because I feel obligated. Yes, I know it happens and that's just part of life sometimes (at least I would assume so). And I'm not saying that people who only have part of the triangle should go get divorced or leave their families, but for me, I could never willingly and knowingly continue in a relationship where I wasn't able to give/get all three of these things.

When I see couples out together but never even look up from their meal, I feel sad for them. Who wants to eat alone when you're sitting across from someone? Maybe I'm just being idealistic and hoping for something that may never happen, but I would rather be alone than in a relationship like that. But I'd also rather be alone than in a relationship that was purely about sex....so maybe I can't win.

I have had all of it and when you have it, you know it. So as for now, my single ass will be holding out until I get it. And by it, I mean all of it.

Are soul mates real?

After the weekend I had, I'm pondering the question of whether or not soul mates exist. I'm a romantic at heart and I want to believe that there is one person that completes us. Sure, there's lots of people that we could be okay with, but is there more than one person that we could be absolutely perfect for and that could be perfect for us? And how do we know we are living up to our potential? What if we are with someone we think is our soul mate because things are okay, but we could really be living in a different realm had we waited just a little bit longer for the "one"? 

Or maybe I've got it wrong. Maybe I'm living in a fantasy world and making things much more complicated than necessary. Perhaps I'll end up alone because of it. What I do know is that I won't end up settling for someone that, yes, I'm happy with, but that doesn't light a fire in my soul. I want someone that I can just look at and know exactly what they don't have to say. I want a connection that exists very rarely and that can't be broken- not over time or for any other reason. There, of course, will be bumps and sometimes we might even have to let that person go. Maybe for a short time or maybe forever. 

But then what? What happens after we've loved so fiercely that it makes any other love seem dim, no matter how bright it may actually be? 

• This semester I am doing my Senior Capstone- a research paper about whatever (within reason/within sociological perspective) I want. I thought I knew exactly what I wanted to do and that I was happy with it. And then I started research and decided that I have so many things I want to do it on and now I can't decide what to do. Whatever I end up doing, I know it'll be something that I care about and that will be interesting...so here's to making decisions and going with it. 

• I went to SLC for the weekend and got to see friends and my sis. It was nice but I was definitely glad to get home. It was a quick trip and I was pooped the whole time- story of my life. Plus, I always like just hanging out at home on the weekends so that I can get caught up for the next week. While I was there I hit up IKEA! I got a really cute new duvet cover, duvet, sheets and a knife set with my birthday money. I have been wanting this stuff for about a year and I'm very happy I finally got it! I love me some IKEA and it makes me want to redecorate my house every time I go there!

• School is going really well, other than my indecisiveness regarding my capstone, and I am enjoying having more freedom of when I do my hw. I only have 2 classes that have regular set times and the rest are "hybrid"/do it yourself classes and it allows me to be creative and also to sleep since I work graves still. I will be glad when this semester is over but I've still got a minute, so I'm not focusing on that part yet. 
• I've had more sushi in the last 3 weeks than I had all year before that and it's been divine. I wish I could eat it everyday. I mean, I could, but that would be intense. I'm looking forward to having it again this weekend. Nom nom nom. Cedar City is not the capital of sushi (although I suppose we have an okay selection at Ninja, it's just not the same). I can't wait to live somewhere that I can get sushi anytime I want!
• I found my dream school in Seattle, WA. It will take lots of time (working) and studying to get it, but that's my new dream. First choice is still UNLV for the MSW program, but if that doesn't work out....I've got back up plans. 

Procrastination

After my last few negative Nelly blog posts, I decided that I should make a little gratitude list. And also, I'm procrastinating my homework.

Anyway, I do have a lot to be grateful for and I just forget sometimes. So here goes:

• Britt went and let my dog outside last night while I was working (I didn't even ask her!) and left me the cutest b-day present/card and some of the best soup I've ever had. 
• April and I got to go to lunch on my b-day and it was fun. She made me a bomb playlist and a really cute present, too. 
• Last night my parents and Joey brought me salsa & chips to work. Just because. It was delicious. 
• My dad bought me medicine when I didn't want to go to Wal-Mart looking like a crackhead. 
• My mom gave me a thing of toilet paper. For no reason, other than that she knows how much I hate buying it. ha
• Tia (Tia's kids) left me the cutest voice mail on my b-day :) 
• I got to spend last weekend in California. At the beach. With my favorite person. If that's not lucky, I dunno what is. 
• My mom made brownies (my fav) for my bday. I didn't even get to eat one yet because we all got sick...but just thinking about them is making my mouth water. 
• My neighbors made stuffed peppers and brought me some. They just got married a couple of weeks ago and they are really sweet. I think they feel bad for me because I'm an old cat lady, but that's okay. 
• I got invited to not one, but two, ward parties this week. I think I'll pass, but the thought was nice. ha ha
• I get a random Monday night off (aka, tonight). Yay for sleeping at night.
• I got a freaking 100% on my first math test. Boom, baby. I shocked myself more than anyone, I think. 
• I enjoy all my classes so far...even the boring one. The reading isn't so bad. 
• The weather has been perfect. I love rain and the cool fall weather. Plus the sunsets have been stellar. 
• My professor, Shobha, took me to lunch on Thursday for my b-day. That was the coolest thing any of my professors have ever done. I love me some Shobha. Plus she gave me some awesome Nepali gifts. 
• My parents gave me birthday money. Who even knew that still happened when one turned 28? I'll take it. ;) I used it to pay rent. Wahoo. 
• Rocko learned how to poop in the backyard so that I don't have to take him on a 30 minute walk every time he has to go. Whew. 
• I get to see Sof, my sis, Trent and Jordan next weekend. So pumped. 

Even when I'm bitchy, life really is good. I am definitely looking forward to lots of things and I'm enjoying where I am right now, too. The only thing I could ask for is more time in the day- so I guess that's a good thing! 

I'm 28, not 70...

Yesterday I felt like the world was crashing down on me. Maybe partly because it was and partly because I hate that I'm 28. I feel so old but mostly I feel like my life is nothing how I thought it would be when I turned 28. I didn't have a whole plan about what it would look like, but this was definitely not it. Never in my whole life did I think I would be a single, animal-lady, still working at a truck stop while going to school kinda gal. I thought for sure I'd have my shit together and that I'd be rollin' in the social worker $$. Turns out, my life is completely opposite and today I'm okay with it. Tomorrow I might have another quarter life crisis but for now I'm okay.

Today I realize that just because I'm 28 does not mean I'm too old to make the life I want. In fact, I AM making the life that I want and while it's not all roses, it beats the hell out of not doing anything at all. When I graduate in December I have no idea what I'll be doing and today I'm okay with that. It's scary and I'm anxious but I know that everything will work out the way it is supposed to. I'm working my ass off (at work and at school right now) and I'm doing what I need to do to make my life how I want it to be.

I'm ready for a new adventure and also really, really sad to let go and move on from the current part of my life. I used to think that I loved change and new but right now I wish everything could just stay the same. Turns out, that's not an option and I get to move on whether or not I like it. So for the next few months I will be doing school, applying for jobs/grad schools, and soon enough basketball season will be here.

Birthdays kinda suck.

Every year I get pumped for my birthday. And (almost) every year, I get let down. I realize this is my own fault and that this year I legit turned down birthday celebrations because I had work and school but it still sucks. I took myself to California, played at the beach, and bought myself some new clothes and shoes over the weekend but my real birthday I slept and had a math test. I had a lot of calls and texts from people that I love and I appreciate it. I'm just being a Debby Downer, I suppose. But, oh well..it's over.

Today I am grateful for the people who thought of me today and made an effort to reach out. Sometimes I forget how much of a hermit I am with working graves and going to school. It's nice to remember that I have people who care about me and that I care about. Without them, today probably would have been a Vodka fest or something. Luckily, that didn't happen and here I am sober and working. Yay for real life.

On a positive note, I aced my math test today. I thought I was doomed but it turns out that going to class on the optional Friday was a good idea. Lets hope I can stay above water with this one and pass the class!

Beach Bum

For my birthday I got to go to California with Sophia and it was wonderful. I only took one picture and I'm regretting it, but it was so much fun. I loved playing in the ocean and going to bed early (I never get to actually sleep at night so it was heavenly). We ate good food, played in the ocean and slept a lot. I wanna go back. Today, on my actual birthday, I will be celebrating with a math test. Yipee.

Why do people remember things from the past as better than they were? Sometimes I find myself reminiscing about things that, at the time, were miserable and find myself thinking they were okay or even good. I'm not sure why or what purpose this serves but tonight it has got me feeling really sad. Some days I think I have it all figured out and days like today I feel like I have no idea.

For the last two weeks I have been eating healthy and taking care of myself. I have lost 10 pounds thus far. Today was my first day in the gym in over 3 years. Wowza. I thought I was going to die but it felt really good! I'm excited to get back in shape and maybe start running again. Clearly, I need an outlet and running used to be the best one and then drinking got in the way. When I stopped drinking I figured I would just naturally get healthy and back in shape but it turns out, it was quite the opposite. So now, more than 2 years sober, I am going to do it.

On a brighter note, I'm going to California this weekend to relax and celebrate my birthday. Not that turning 28 is a "bright" side, but it's happening regardless. And besides, on NPR the other day they said that 40 is the new 30...so does that make 30 the new 20? I'm hoping! I'm gonna rock the last couple of years in my twenties, since apparently it's actually my "teen" years. Here's to living life and loving the shit out of it, no matter what.

I am craving sushi. And In n Out. And this blog should end now. :)

I'm tired: Part 1

But I have a goal not to miss any of my classes. So I figure I should at least go to all of them the first week. I have a confession to make: The previous two semesters, I didn't go to the first week of class. Not one damn class. Why? Because it's boring and pointless. Since it's my last semester though, I figured I would go out with a bang!

And it begins...

School starts today! My last semester (if I pass all of my classes) at SUU is finally here. Whew. I thought this day would never come and now it's here! I'm taking some pretty rad classes and I'm excited for something to keep me busy at work but I'm mostly excited that I don't have to work weekends anymore.

Monday is the worst day out of the week for lots of reasons:

• Post Secret comes out on Sunday. Why? I wish it could come on Monday so I would have something to look forward to on this dreadful day. Frank, get on it. 
• I have to come back to work. And I'm really tired.

I guess Monday isn't so horrible since I can only think of two things...so whatever. Here's to my (hopefully) last semester of undergrad. Unless I decide to get a second Bachelors degree, which I hope I don't because I'm pretty sure that would be worthless. I guess only time will tell. 

I'm going to California for my birthday and I am stoked. This week better fly on by! 

Silver Lining Kind of Day...

Last night as I walked into work, I stepped in a pile of tomato sauce on the floor that no one had thought to mop up. Gross, but whatever. Then I noticed that absolutely nothing had been done or moved, including the food on the roller grill, since I had left that morning almost 17 hours prior. After a few minutes or hours of complaining to my girlfriend, I cleaned the place up and did the jobs that no one else was going to do. Things started to get better.

Then, later last night, someone that I have no desire to have contact with popped up out of no where. Why? I have no idea. It made me feel weird and very uncomfortable. Luckily Sof came to the rescue, as always. I got off work this morning and was feeling better about life. 

After sleeping for a few hours and getting home from my meeting, I was determined to have a good evening before coming back to work. Rocko hadn't really been outside a lot, so I took him on a walk. It was such a nice night and I was enjoying the stroll until I literally thought I was going to have to shit on the lawn by Rocko. I practically ran home and didn't leave the bathroom for an hour...the rest is history.

After a failed attempt at a nap, I took Calv out in the backyard to brush him because he is shedding like a mad man. After a few minutes, I felt someone watching me. I discovered my, probably really nice, old, creepy neighbor staring at me. As I started to get up to go inside, he came over to start another awkward conversation. In the last two weeks or so, we have had our first meeting/conversations and we have both lived there for two years. I'm not sure why he's creepin' now, but it's weird. More weird that he's probably seen me naked, but whatever. Gag. 

Back in bed for another attempt at sleep before work. Fairly successful and I even slept longer than planned. Sof saved my ass again and called to wake me up. I rushed to the bathroom to shower and you'll never believe what happened....the light flicked on and then off. Sweet. I showered in the dark and then dug in the closet for some light bulbs. As I was looking, I realized that in the two years I've lived in this apartment I have never had to change that light bulb. I guess that's the silver lining? But mostly that I made it to work in time and even put on a clean shirt.

Just when I thought things couldn't get worse, I had a creeper at work. I'm used to the creepy truckers who think I want to date them. I'm used to the drunk/high/whatever dudes that come in the middle of the night and think I want to sleep with them. That's old news. It's just the non-truckers that really freak me out. They have no reason to be here and yet, they are and they are gross. After politely telling him I didn't want to date him or have a threesome with him, he left and I called Sof. 

This day seems like a nightmare that came true. I know that just one of these events in a singular day would be nothing more than a good laugh, but all of them in one day just seems too much to even be real. I checked the moon to see if that's why it was creep day but it's not full. Not even a little bit. 

So, as I sit here at the truck stop wishing I was home in bed I just have to laugh. I know I'm being dramatic and that I probably just need sleep, but man...life is funny sometimes. Right now I'm grateful that I have a job, even if it really sucks big time right now. I'm grateful that I don't have to keep people from my past in my life and that I'm happier than I ever thought I could be without them. I'm really grateful for indoor plumbing and for Imodium. I am definitely grateful for blinds (even though I need curtains- coming soon). I'm grateful for electricity and light bulbs, even though my shower in the dark was quite nice. I'm grateful that I'm not a lot lizard at the truck stop and that I don't have to flirt with the creepy peeps in here. 

Mostly, I'm just grateful that I didn't forget to wear pants to work today. Seems like that's the only thing else that could have gone wrong. I wonder what tomorrow holds...

I just had 1.5 days off and it was just what I needed. Lots of cuddle time with the babies, evening strolls, and plenty of sleep. I don't wanna go to work tonight.

Rocko

 Just when I thought I couldn't get any crazier, I got a dog. His name is Rocko and I love him so much. He's a lot more work than my cats, but he's a lot of fun. He sleeps a lot and is pretty chill.

Summer

It seems like summer is never going to end and I'm loving it. Although I've been a bit of a home body most of the summer, since returning from Nepal, I have enjoyed it. Aside from working way more than I'm schedule to work, even work isn't that bad.

A  couple of weekends ago, Sof and I went to SLC for a Postal Service concert. The venue was weird but the concert was good. I discovered that concerts aren't really my thing anymore and that I'd prefer taking a road trip and listening to my favorite songs. I'm just too old for hanging out with tweens in a crowded room. It might also be due to the fact that most concerts I've been to, I was also drinking. Sober concerts just aren't the same. Not in a bad way, just in a way that makes them less exciting for me. So from now on, unless it's Ben Folds, I'll just stick to my iPod.

In other news, I'm getting really excited for school to start. It's a little bittersweet and very, VERY, exciting at the same time. I'm taking 17 credits of upper division Psychology classes so that I can minor in Psych. That wasn't my plan, but that's what I'm going to do now. I was really bummed that one of the classes I was most excited for got canceled but I think I'll be okay- they all seem pretty interesting.

I am still planing a candlelight vigil for addicts and alcoholics, as well. It's coming up and I'm pretty excited for it. Here is the flyer (thanks to Sof and her friend Ashlee(y)(ie) (no idea how to spell her name):

Anyway, life is good. If you're in Cedar or want to travel, come to the candlelight vigil and say hello! :)

Peace out.

Summer: Post Nepal

The past few weeks have been interesting and quite wonderful! After returning from Nepal, which was amazing, I thought life would be dull- turns out that it's been anything but dull!

Sophia moved to Cedar City, got a job and is taking some online classes from UNLV! It's been so nice to have her here and to get to see her every day. Since we're both working full-time, we don't get to spend a lot of time together, but it's nice anyway.

Last weekend we went to the Moapa zoo- Roos N More. I was very disappointed and felt pretty sad for the animals there. I was expecting something a lot different and not so ghetto. Oh well, it was nice to get out of town for a minute and the animals were cute.

I've been stressing about what I am going to do after I graduate in December for a while now and didn't think I would be able to get a job because of my DUI and such...in the last week, I have gotten a job offer (couldn't take it because of school) and another really great opportunity that I am going to be doing. I also qualified to take the Juvenile Justice Counselor exam to work for the state. I take the exam in about 10 days and I'm really excited. I won't be applying for state jobs until I graduate, but it's nice to know I have the option.

After meeting with my advisor, looking at a billion schools, and debating about whether or not grad school is for me...and also deciding on which grad program would be best, I have decided to apply to the Masters of Public Administration here at SUU. They have a non-profit concentration and it just seems like the best option financially and also because I would love to work in that field.

I'm not sure if I'll get into grad school or not, but I will apply and go from there. One thing I've learned over the past couple of years is that my plans never turn out or I change my mind half way through- so I'm just going to enjoy the ride! I'm planning to enjoy cheap rent, not being tied down to a career, and spending time with my friends and family while I'm close. I know I'll miss Cedar when I leave- even though I'm pretty stoked to get out- so I'm just going to soak it all in.

I've been wearing these pants for 9 days... or more...

I have been wearing the same pants for at least 9 days now. Not in a row, but since they have been washed. I usually wash them after each time I wear them. Perhaps a little extreme, but hey...I'm extreme. 

Today I’m dreaming of a washer and dryer, ridding my clothes of the damp, sweaty smell that lingers even after being washed by hand and left to dry for days in the rain.  I’m dreaming of taking a shower, with a shower curtain- in hot water. Maybe I’ll even take a bubble bath, who knows? I’m even excited to drink a huge water bottle full of tap water, with ice. And I’ll be happy to use a toilet that flushes toilet paper. While I recognize that these things sound silly, to me they’re important and I haven’t had them for a little over two weeks now. Sure, I miss my friends and family. And my cat. I miss my cell phone, my job, and my car, too. But mostly I miss being and feeling clean. 

I feel like I’ve been on a two week camping trip, yet not at all. I realize that so many people around the world don’t have clean drinking water or clean clothes. Not everyone gets to shower 3 times a day. Having a toilet that flushes is not a necessity and soap is out of the question for so many. The more I’m here, the more I realize that I have it pretty good at home. I usually consider myself a poor college student…because I am, but my definition of poor doesn’t compare to what poor means here in Nepal. 

As my time here in Nepal is coming to a close, I’m getting used to cold and, at best, lukewarm showers, dirty clothes, and being sweaty. I’m enjoying the no make-up, no shaving and wearing the same clothes for days. I am starting to wonder what it will be like to have to get ready in the morning. Showering and putting on make-up for work seems a bit extreme at this point. Nepal has been wonderful and I think I could get used to it. Next time I won’t bother packing make-up or hair products. It’s useless here anyway. I’ll just save more room for awesome stuff to take back home. 

Even though I’m a spoiled, whiny, brat and can’t stand to be dirty, this trip has been very eye-opening and insightful. The more I learn about and experience here in Nepal, the more I am grateful for the things that I have and for the opportunities that I’ve been given as well. I hope that I’ll never take the simple things for granted because now I’ve experienced firsthand that so many people don’t have the luxuries that I do.

No rest for the wicked...

Since school just ended I figured I would be able to relax and hang out before Nepal, but turns out that hasn't happened yet. 

This was my day yesterday: (I'm working on my domestic goddess skillz)

repeat

I have had the same song on repeat for 3 days, non-stop. It is driving me insane and yet if I turn it off, I stop working.

I'm not really working right now anyway and I still can't turn it off. I don't know what is going on in my brain, if anything. I will be so glad when my finals are all finished on Thursday. At this point, I'm not very motivated to study but I know I should. My Sex and Gender final will be okay- even if I fail, I'll get an A in the class. My Language and Culture class is a different story...I need to do well on the exam.

I haven't worn make-up for three days, I need to shave, and my laundry is in a huge pile in the bathroom. Luckily Sof did my dishes while she was here because otherwise I'd have a pile of those too.

I can't stop thinking about how different my life was two years ago. I thought I was happy and perhaps, on some level, I was. I am a very different kind of happy now. Before I felt trapped and limited; I didn't think I was able to accomplish anything- and I wasn't doing anything. Now I feel like the whole world is mine and I am taking advantage of that. I feel content and excited about my life right now. Sometimes it's scary and I wish I could go back to just being okay with not doing anything...but I know I could never be happy doing that.

So for now, I'll embrace the new. For starters, I'm going to Nepal in about 3 weeks! I am getting so excited! I can't wait for this awesome adventure. I would have never been able to do this had I continued living in Las Vegas two years ago. In fact, I would probably be even more miserable now than I was then. I am still unsure of what my next move will be once I graduate in December because I have no idea if I can get into grad school.

All I know is that I'm happy. And that's good enough for me. And that song is still playing. And it's still driving me insane.

Two Years Sober!

Today marks my two years of sobriety.  It doesn't feel real- sometimes it feels much longer than two years and sometimes it feels like last week. Either way, I'm so grateful that I was given the chance at life again. For anyone who knew me while I was drinking, you know that I was definitely a nightmare. Although I'm still usually a nightmare, I can't imagine how much worse it'd be if I was drinking on top of it. 

I am so glad that I was able to get back in school and that I'm set to graduate in December. I never thought I would see the day. I'm also grateful to my boss for giving me a job when I needed it most- and for allowing me to do my homework while I'm at work. Things aren't perfect, but they are so good.

I have the best friends and girlfriend I could ask for- and even when I haven't slept in days and I'm grumpy, they are here for me. Since working graves and going to school full-time don't allow me to be as social as I used to be, I have been a pretty bad friend. I'm  grateful for Sof and that she is always supportive and encouraging me to be my best- even when I feel like giving up. I'm also very grateful for April and Britt for being my friends- even when I was drinking/being a crazy ass. I'm also so grateful for many other people for always being here for me. 

Since I've been sober I'm glad to call my siblings some of my best friends as well. Joey is my main man and I love that I get to talk to him and see him every day. Buddy and Anne are also very important to me and although we don't talk every day, I feel like I am more a part of my family than I ever have been. 

I'm also very grateful for my dad. He is the one who helped me get into rehab and for cheering me on the whole way. He is still one of my biggest supporters and encourages me to do my best in everything. When I told him I wanted to go to Nepal a month ago, he helped me get things lined up and has helped me financially as well.  I'm lucky to have him as my dad and for his example of what it means to be a good person. 

I know I post a lot about being sober and perhaps it's obsessive, but I just like looking back and remembering how I was feeling at different points. The past two years have been some of the most challenging and rewarding that I have ever had and I'm so grateful that I have my life back. 

Thanks to everyone for helping me along the way. 

A lovely weekend and now...finals

It's Monday morning. 3:04am to be exact. Sof left last night before I came to work and that always makes me sad, but I do want to remember the fun times we had and it's easier for me to blog it than actually write in my journal. 

Sof came to Cedar on Wednesday and we just did the normal go to school and work thing. On Friday my parents invited me to go to their house for Joey's birthday but since Sof was here and she couldn't come, I decided that I would just take Joey his present and have our own little party later. Saturday morning after work I was feeling really sad/depressed because I feel like I'm stuck in a place where I want to be a part of my family and things have been going really well, but at the same time, I have to pretend that I'm someone else when I'm with them. Sometimes it wears me out and makes me feel bad. I feel bad that I get to meet Sof's family without question and that they accept me and invite me in to their home and that I can't do the same for her. I know it's not in my control and that it's not my decision but sometimes it just gets to me. 

I was planning to sleep all day on Saturday but then Sof and I decided to go for a drive. We decided to go to Best Friends Animal Sanctuary in Kanab! We took a tour and got to go to Cat World! Best thing ever. I've been on the tour/volunteered lots of times at Best Friends, but Sof had never been. It was a lot of fun and it was nice to get out of Cedar- even if it was only for a day. On our way to Best Friends we stopped in Colorado City, of course. 

By the time we were leaving Best Friends we were both exhausted because we had been up for 24 hours. It was worth it though. We had lots of fun and got to see some cute animals. We got home on Saturday evening and I slept for about 24 hours. Felt so good. Sof had to go home Sunday afternoon and I was pretty bummed but I'm glad she could come!

I am still plugging away at my final papers and studying for my exams. I will be so glad when this week is over!!!!!! Wahoooooo!

Hormones and Periods.

Lately I've been super stressed, tired and overwhelmed with finals and other random things. You know, like life. Today was especially long as I had a commitment to go to St. George this morning after work- going on no sleep. Luckily April came with me and it turned out to be quite enjoyable. By the time I got back to Cedar I was ready to collapse but I wanted to see my sister before she headed back to Salt Lake. She was downstairs with her boyfriend so I went down to say goodbye. I'm not sure how it came up but somehow I managed to tell her boyfriend that I've met twice that I'm on my period. Then my sister joined it. We told him that's why we have zits and we're pissy. 

He laughed and probably felt a tiny bit uncomfortable. And then he said something along the lines that he was glad boys only have testosterone and no other hormones. Ha ha. Oh, to be a boy. 

On days like today, I wish I could be a boy. No periods or weird zits that come for my period and by the time they decide to leave, I end up starting my period again. Such a vicious cycle. 

Bad hair days? No problem if you're a boy. Shave that shit. (Yes, I know women shave their heads too and I love it. You go girl). 

Want to wear shorts in Nepal? No problem if you're a dude. 

Tampons are expensive, skirts are annoying, and hair takes a lot of work. Somehow though, I guess I'm still very glad I'm not a man. I love being a woman and I wouldn't actually change it- it just seems so much easier to be a dude sometimes. 

Here's to an awesome 19 hour flight whilst being on the rag. Bring on the biggest tampons you got, Wal-Mart. Lets do this. 

It's snowing...

Bad news: it is mid-April and it's snowing. Gag.
Good news: next week is the last week of classes this semester.
Great news: I go to Nepal in a month!

But for real, why is it snowing? And why can't papers write themselves? Ugh. My life is so hard.

What the what?

I'm not lazy, I just wait until the last possible minute to get shit done. Why? I don't know. But it works for me. Sure I'm a nightmare while it's happening, but my best work is done under pressure and when I have a tight deadline. Doing a research paper weeks early has never  been my strong point. I'll admit, I think and stew and worry about it for weeks and weeks and then a day or two before it's due, I bust it out. And I do well.

Right now I have a few different research papers due in the next couple of weeks and I'm stressed to the max but it's almost impossible for me to do any of them because "they aren't due tomorrow".  I know this is probably ridiculous and stupid, but I guess I do what works for me.

I just finished my semester long project (all of which I did tonight) and wrote my reflection (which was supposed to be a semester long effort) all in about 3 hours. Had I done this all semester I would have put in far more time and effort for a less than great job. I guess I've perfected procrastination to fit my needs and I'm not sure how I feel about it.

For now, I think I'll enjoy some netflix or pinterest. Maybe tomorrow I'll start in on the research papers. Or maybe not. I'm still feeling pretty sick and I just want to sleep all day- which I did today and it felt wonderful.

Here's to the end of the semester! Bring it on. And bring lots of caffeinated beverages with it.

Las Vegas

This week a lot of my classes were cancelled for "The Festival of Excellence" and other various reasons, so instead of being an overachiever I went to Las Vegas for a few days. I was happy to get out of the snow in Cedar! While I was there it was jam packed with fun stuff and by the end I was feeling very tired and very sick. I think all the immunizations are finally catching up to me and I'm exhausted.

On Wednesday when I got into town, Sof and I did a little shopping and then went to the Tegan and Sara concert with her friend Lucy. It was really nice and I love that I remember it this time. I have seen them twice before but I've never been sober for a Teg and Sar concert...they rock! It was outside and the weather was perfect.

On Thursday I woke up early and went shopping and got some things for Nepal. Mostly clothes and stuff since I can't wear the clothes I actually own/like. I found some things I really like and that I'll wear even outside of Nepal. Yay. That night, Sof's step dad had a BBQ and some of her friends came over. It was nice to get to know them a little more. We ate outside and it was beautiful. I think this is my favorite time of year in Vegas right now- it's perfect!

Friday I woke up and did a little more shopping and then we went to the gardens at the Bellagio (I think) and hung out. Then we went out to her dads house in Red Rock - well somewhere near there and had dinner. It was so good and her dad and step mom are so nice. Her dad is an artist and I got to see his work- which was really awesome.

By Friday night I was feeling like I was going to die- Sneezing my brains out and headache from hell but we went downtown for a little gambling. That didn't last long and we went home to go to bed. When we got home it was still pretty early so we went swimming and then crashed.

I got home today in time to sleep before work for a bit and now I feel full blown sick. I hope it's just all the immunizations that I've had over the last few weeks and that it doesn't last long because I have lots of stuff to do for school! I can't wait to go back to Las Vegas.

Nepal Prep time...

Jesus Sandals for Nepal.

This week has been busy, as usual. I got my first rounds of shots on Wednesday- it's Saturday morning and my arm feels like it might fall off and it has a nasty looking rash from one of the shots. I have felt nauseated and gross since Thursday- hopefully it's just from the immunizations and I'm not actually getting sick.

I bought the rope sandals this week and I can't decide if I'll actually take them to Nepal or not but I like them either way. I am getting Chacos to take with me and I'm trying to "pack light"...so we'll see. Packing is the worst for me! I take 3 bags on an overnight trip- so I'm not really sure what I'm going to do for a 3 week+ trip out of country. All I know is that I would rather wear the same clothes the whole time and be able to bring tons of cool shiz home- I guess we'll see when it comes time to leave. As long as I have ample underwear, we'll be good. I will not wear dirty underwear. Ew. It's bad enough that there aren't going to be real toilets everywhere I go!

Anyway, I'm getting stoked to go! I already forgot how to say "my name is ..." in Nepali, so this should be stellar!

Next Fall & Starting a New Chapter

I just made my schedule for next fall- no biggie, right? For the past 10 years I have been dying to graduate from college and "get a real job". While I would still like that, as I register for my last semester of undergrad I can't help but feel a little melancholy. I feel like there are so many classes I would still love to take and that I feel would help me in my future career, whatever that may be. That's one part of me...

The other part of me is bursting at the seams with happiness that I am actually going to graduate from SUU. It's been a long, painful-at-times, well worth it journey. I can't imagine what life would be like if I had done it any other way. There are so many things that I have gotten to experience, both good and not-so-great, during the last 9 years. Although sometimes I wish I hadn't started college right after high school and messed up my GPA horribly, it also brought me to the place I am right now: I know what I want to do and that is only because of the things that I have experienced along the way. I'm not like those people who just know what they wanted to do since birth...I had to try things and then decide. I'm happy with the way things have turned out and I'm stoked for what is to come...whatever that is...

I am also very grateful for my parents, who paid for a lot of semesters of "wasted" school- where I dropped out or worse, flunked out. They have been my biggest supporters, especially my dad. He never gave up on me, even when I had given up on myself. I love that I can share things I am learning at school with him and he's actually interested. I have so many people that haven't given up on me: professors (they've seen me at my worst), friends, and many others.

Now I should probably get back to research so that I actually graduate. I'm sure it's getting reallllly old, but I want to remember these things and I guess I'm too lazy to actually journal. Maybe someday this blog won't be so boring- but doubtful.

Research, research, research...

Easter was good. I saw Jordan Hulet, my fam, April and researched human trafficking. And after a few failed attempts, I even got some good sleep in before coming back to work.

Since being at work I have read several hundred pages about trafficking; I should have started this research weeks ago because I am very interested in it and there is a lot of information. I have a very long few weeks ahead of me and I'll be grateful when school is over. I'm mostly just so anxious to go to Nepal that it's hard caring about anything else...except that the things I am researching are very relevant to why I want to go to Nepal in the first place.

I also have 3 other research papers to do. Oops. My ass is gonna get used to no sleep, even if it kills me! The library will be my best friend since I no longer have internet access at my house. Damn.

I am looking forward to the Tegan and Sara concert with Sof coming up! She bought my ticket and I'm so excited to see her and go to another Teg and Sar concert as well. Yay. I think I'll also get to meet her dad and step-mom this time, which should be good. I'm just super awk and anti-social, so I don't do well meeting new people. Guess it's time to grow up.

Anyway, life is wonderful. I know I say it a lot, but it's true. I have the best family, amazing friends, the sweetest girlfriend, I get to go to school and my job lets me do my research while I'm getting paid. Oh and the cutest kitties on earth. I don't have much to complain about at all! I never knew how good life could be until now and it just keeps getting better.

10 days until I see Sof!
48 days until I go to Nepal!

Wahoooooo.

• Today I am 23 months sober! 
• Sof just spent a week here in Utah and it was wonderful.
• I'm going to Nepal in 2 months.
• School ends in a little over one month.
• It's Friday!

Life is freaking good. 

Nepal!!

After reading Little Princes, my need to go to Nepal was very strong. Yesterday my professor told me she would give me a scholarship to go! With a quick talk to my dad, applying for a passport to be expedited this morning, and lots of excitement, I'll be in Nepal in two short months!!! To say that I'm excited would be a gross understatement! I'm ecstatic!!

I'm so grateful for my parents being supportive, both financially and emotionally, about my crazy dreams. I'm also grateful for my professor who I'll be going with and for all of the amazing people cheering me on. Life is truly wonderful right now.

Book Review: Little Princes (not to be confused with The Little Princess)

I was assigned to read this book for my South East Asia class and at first all I could think about was The Little Princess. In fact, at first glance I thought that's what it was; I did not want to read this book. The day before spring break, my professor Shobha told us that we needed to read it over the break and be prepared when we got back. Ugh.

Well, I went to California and I hauled the book with me. I didn't open it once. Oops. When I got home I started reading it and couldn't put it down. This is one of the best books I've read in a long time...or ever. I have been very interested in working in foster care and adoption for a long time and have even considered international levels. After reading this book, I have a renewed sense of why I'm in school and what I want to do; maybe it won't include living in Nepal (although, I wouldn't be opposed) but it's nice to read about someone who has done so many amazing things.



The book is about "orphans" in Nepal- but the author soon found out that these children were not orphans, they were trafficked for money. There parents are so poor and most are uneducated so when someone offers to take their child and give them a good life, they believe them. Most of the parents end up selling everything they have in order to give their child what they think will be a good life. Turns out, they end up getting sold to corrupt orphanages or as domestic servants (the kids are as young as 4 years old). Anyway, the book is about Conor (the author) and how he is reuniting the kids with their parents after years and years. I was so sad when I finished that I cried.

I will definitely be recommending this book to any and everyone! If you're looking for a good read, pick this!

Life is FUN

I'm still recovering from 4 days of driving and am currently in the middle of my second night back at work; I feel like I'm going to die.

I'm usually a homebody- I am very content to be at home reading, sleeping, crafting, homework, etc. and don't often "make plans". It's odd to me because I used to freak out if I didn't have every minute of every day planned with someone else, I'd freak out. I always had to be with someone...anyone, really. The weekends were the worst- it was a constant party.

Now, I go out of town for a few days and I freak out. I like to be home. I like being by myself, with the occasional "going out". It's quite different from what it was a few years ago and I'm oddly okay with it. My only wish is that I could actually have a "normal" schedule...you know, where you sleep at night and stuff? I'm hoping that someday I'll have that. But for now, I'm cool with the way things are going and how I'm spending my time.

Maybe I'm getting old or something. Or maybe I'm just a lame, old cat lady who doesn't like people. Either way, I'm fine with it. Life is funny.

Spring break: it's not over, but I'm back to real life...

Well, I'm back from vacation! It was a lot of driving, but lots of cool places in Nevada, California and Oregon. Picture overload- sorry. :) 

Also, I'm pretty sure I want to live in Oregon now...So beautiful there! I'm in love!