Almost two and a half years ago, I got on a bus from Las Vegas back to Utah. I knew it then and I still know that I made the right choice for myself at the time, but the pain of what I had to leave behind is still real and sometimes unbearable. In fact, I'm not sure that I'll ever "get over it", as some people have suggested. I don't know how to make my heart un-feel the things that it felt and still feels. Sometimes I feel really crazy for still feeling these things- and lets be real, I probably am crazy.
One week ago I came face-to-face with the girl that I was once so madly in love with, for the first time in two and a half years. I had waited so long for that moment. And there I was and I didn't know what to do, how to act or what I should feel; I never expected for there to be that moment and for it to be happening was surreal. I wanted so much for it to be the same as it was before and in some ways it was and in others it was worlds different. We have both fallen in love with and given our hearts to new people, we are both doing our own thing and have our own lives, and yet with one look I was taken back to what used to be.
I wish I could say that things turned out exactly how I would have hoped and that we were living happily ever after... but that's not the case. No where near that, actually. I still love her and I wanted so badly for things to be okay and for us to be okay. And we are okay. We just aren't together being okay.
As much as it hurts (and probably will for a very long time) to say goodbye (again) to someone that I love, it has renewed my hope in love and in my ability to do it. For so long, I was willing to compromise things that I need/deserve in a relationship because I just didn't think that I'd find what I needed; now I know it's out there again. I needed to be reminded that the things I want exist and I can have them. It might not happen when or with whom I want at this moment, but it will happen. It might not look exactly like I think it will but it will be good and I don't have to compromise the things I need to get it.
Compromising is good sometimes but other times I need to remember that I deserve more and I will get more- Thanks to Ash for reminding me of that.