Cloud 9

Since I found out I could get financial aid and go back to SUU I couldn't sleep today. In fact, I can't even stop smiling! I am so happy and so ready for this. For the first time ever, I feel like I'm actually being someone I want to be and I'm doing the work to get there instead of relying on other people to do it for me. 

Not only is school happening, my whole life just keeps getting better and better. I have the worlds greatest friends, the coolest cats on earth and my relationship with my family is the best it's ever been. Plus, there's a girl that I quite enjoy. So many things are happening that I never thought would happen. 

I'm a happy camper. Right now I feel like I'm living a dream and I'm just waiting for someone to slap me awake. 

best day, ever.

I don't think I've ever been as happy as I am right now. My financial aid has been approved and I will be attending SUU in the fall...as in, I start in less than a month! I wrote my appeal letter, met with an awesome advisor and had some awesome letters of recommendation (Thanks guys) turned in and I have just been waiting for 2 weeks to hear back. For the first three days I was literally making myself sick over it. I was going crazy! I finally decided that I did everything I could do and that no matter how much I obsessed or worried over it, it wouldn't change the outcome. I focused on other things and tried to enjoy life; I guess it worked because I didn't even check to SUU website for 4 days-and I just randomly decided to check it this morning! 

I feel so happy right now it's unreal. Just last week I was crying to someone about how drinking was way cooler than sober life. The only thing that she told me was that I'll never know what can happen if I give up now. I kind of rolled my eyes and thought she was nuts...I wanted to prove her wrong by staying sober and having a shitty life for just a while longer. Turns out, she was right and things continue to get better. Not only with school, but in all aspects of my life.

I am genuinely happy and feel so blessed to have the opportunity to go back to school for the 3480234 time! Hopefully this is the beginning of the end. 

Hell

Today I read this quote somewhere that was like "hell will be when we die and meet the person we could have been" or something like that. For some reason, it really struck me. I mean, right now, for the first time in a long time I sorta like myself. I'm trying to do things that make a difference, I'm doing things that make me happy, and I'm trying to better my life. BUT, there are still things that I could be doing more of in order to be who I want to be...

I really like that I get to choose who I become. I think that's probably the coolest thing about life- we get to decide. Sure, I didn't get to decide who my parents are, where I was born, or that I'd be an alcoholic...but I get to decide where I'm going, what I'm doing, and who I want to spend my time with now. That's pretty awesome.

Last summer I was just getting out of rehab and I was  scared as hell. I had no money, no friends, and no house. It was definitely a summer of learning and growing. Looking back I'm grateful that shit happened the way it did, but I don't know that I would ever want to do it again. It was hard and, at times, unpleasant. I was dealing with the loss of an important relationship, moving back to Cedar City, and moving out on my own for the first time in my life. I think I cried every single day. At least once.

Well, shit got better... This summer has been one of the greatest times of my life up to this point...at least that I can remember (I'm sure I had some amazing childhood summers, too). I have many relationships that are important to me, I don't mind living in Cedar City, and I have a cute little house that I get to live in by myself. I have done so many fun things this summer that I have wanted to do for a long time, I'm (finally) over the relationship that I thought I'd never get over, and I'm learning to live life as it comes instead of planning every little detail. Life is enjoyable and I'm super glad that I get to do so many cool things.

I can only hope that in a year from now I'll be writing about how I never knew life could get even better! But, for now, I'll just keep enjoying the cool shit happening right now.

back to the grind.

Today was bittersweet. Mostly sweet until I had to come back to work. Having two days off in a row sure makes me wish I could retire. This weekend was another success and spent with some wonderful friends and family.

On Friday, I slept all day when I got off work at 8am. That night I hung out with April and watched a movie with my cats. Yes, I realize I could do that any day, but it was relaxing and much needed. Saturday morning I woke up to an invitation to go to see a friend in Richfield. I wasn't too thrilled at first, but then I decided it'd be better to be with friends than to sit home and be sad.

So..Stacie, Tennile, April and I drove 2 hours to go see Lacey and her new house! We went and ate lunch at a cute little Mexican place and then just hung out at her house for a while. Then we left so that I could make it to my moms birthday dinner at Chili's! My mom is 60 now...weird. It was fun to hang with my family for a minute--it's fun just to have our immediate family at a table. Plus, my brother gave me a camera! I haven't had a real camera since I lost mine at the bar like 5 years ago. Bonus.

After dinner I was feeling pretty worn out, both physically and emotionally. I wanted to go home and sleep but my friend invited me to go hear her share her story at an AA meeting, so I did that. I'm so glad that I went because I was getting crazy. Plus, she's amazing and I loved hearing her story. She's one of he coolest people I know.

After the meeting I was over being depressed, so I watched another movie with my cats and had a peaceful night.

Sunday was chill. I hung out with April, went to the mentor meeting, and did some reading. I like weekends when they aren't spent at work. Looking forward to my next weekend off in two weeks! Wahooooo.

lovely days

I had another lovely day today. I'm more tired than anything right now, but it was worth it. When I got home from work I passed out easily. I had another bubble bath (apparently my new favorite thing to do), started reading Naked by David Sedaris, and got to see Britt face! Plus, I got to talk to someone I quite enjoy before work.

Life is grand, indeed.

anthem

Yesterday, while I was soaking in the bathtub, I read Anthem by Ayn Rand. I have had the book for a few months sitting on my shelf and I just didn't ever read it. I'm so glad that I was bored enough to finally pick it up yesterday. I loved it!

I don't know what other people think or say about the book, but for me it reminded me to never be okay with mediocracy or just following the crowd. Mostly, never stop learning and growing. I think I found my new tattoo, too. I have a few brewing from a couple different books but I definitely want to get one in particular now. If I ever get it, which I'm sure I will, I'll post it. Until then, peace out.

Bubble baths and stuff

Today was one of the nicest days I remember having in a long time. I didn't do anything spectacular, either. I got off work and slept like a baby for a few hours, which is rare lately. Then I bought myself a frozen yogurt for lunch...or whatever it was. I forgot how much I like yogurt.

April called and we hung out for a bit, which is always nice. I'm glad I have a friend like her. For a while, when we didn't talk, I forgot how much I appreciated having her in my life. Everyone should have a friend like Ape.

When I got home, I was going to sleep until work but then I decided to take a bath. I haven't done that in ages. I found a book my brother loaned me a few months ago that has been collecting dust on my shelf, filled up the tub with bubbles and put my pillow in a plastic bag so I could use it in the water. As I read my book and soaked in the tub, I realized I have a pretty great life.

 Sometimes I get stuck on thinking that if only i had this or that, I'd be happy. If only I was in school right now, if only I had more money, a better job, a nicer car, etc. But today I remembered that I'm happy, with or without any of that stuff. And that's pretty cool.

I have the best cat(s) in the world, the coolest friends ever, a pretty rad family who is always there for me, and a place to live. What else could a girl ask for (besides unlimited chocolate, monsters and a pretty girl...)?

Life is so interesting, isn't it?

Pioneer Day

Instead of going to the parade and dressing up as a pioneer this year, I played it cool and hung out with my fam. I went up to my grandparents house and we played a thrilling game of rummy. My aunt is in town so it was fun to see her and hang with the grandparents. Joey was my partner--unfortunately, we lost. 

Random blurb: A couple of days ago I made curtains for my house to go on the doors leading to the hall and the kitchen because I thought they'd be cute. Turns out they aren't very cute but they definitely make a difference in keeping the living room cool. It's only 79 degrees in there now instead of 90! Best thing that's happened in a long time...

Grateful:

• My fam. They're pretty rad. 
• Calvie. Best cat ever. 
• My friends. They're all so different and bring such unique things to my life. 
• My house. It's small, clean, and just how I want it. Couldn't ask for more...except AC! 
• A job. It gets boring but I'm grateful to be able to do what I want and get paid for it! 

Hope ya'll had a good Pioneer Day! 

3 day weekends are best. really...

After not having many days off in the last few months, my three day weekend turned out to be the best thing that could have happened to me. I think I'll try that more often. I had originally planned to take the weekend off because I was going to go to my cabin with some friends. That didn't work out so I was left with 3 days off and not a damn thing to do. I got my sleep on all day Friday and then on Saturday morning April called and said she really wanted to go to Lagoon!

We left Cedar about 1:30pm, drove straight to Lagoon and got there about 4:30pm. We went on a shit load of roller coasters, with little to no lines. We also rode bumper cars, the ferris wheel, the train (we were the only people without kids on the entire thing), and a few other "kid" rides. At about 9pm we were both starving so we decided we were done at Lagoon. We hit up In n Out and headed home! I was so tired but April drank a Monster and kept my ass awake so I could drive...what are friends for? We made it home by 1:30am and I got to sleep in my own bed...best kind of road trip is the kind that you can do in one day.

On Sunday I slept in and then went and played cards with my grandparents and my Aunt Annie. I hadn't seen them in a long time so it was nice to hang out for a while. They're getting old and it makes me sad to see them but I know I'll regret it if I don't.

Then I got to go see one of my favorite kids. She packed her suitcase and thought she was coming to stay with me for a few days. Plus, I got to watch some Real Housewives of New Jersey...which I never get to see since I don't have TV! Perfect night.

Today I had a lazy day, too. I had lunch with April and then Joey came over for dinner. It was a good vacation and I'm excited for my next one! Summer will be over before I know it and I've gotta get all my fun stuff packed in!

Happy Pioneer Day....:)

Who wants flowers when you're dead?

Nobody.

My weekend starts in like 3 hours! I don't have to come back to this place until Monday night. Holy shit, that's exciting and I hope that I can get some fun shit packed into my time off. I've been thinking about the quote from Catcher In The Rye, "who wants flowers when you're dead? nobody" a lot today. Although, it's meant to be morbid (I think)...I like to interpret it a different way. How come everyone gives flowers when someone is dead? I want the flowers now!

I've been thinking about death quite a lot lately. Not in a "I want to die" kind of way, but in a "hmmm, I wonder..." sorta way. It boggles my mind when I think about it too much. I mean, there's so much to think about. What happens when we die? Do I get to come back as a Cheeto Puff like I once wanted? Will I be damned and live in pit of fire filled with empty alcohol bottles scattered around just teasing me? This might seem like a strange thing to think about but its something that I really do wonder about...

Part of me likes to believe that nothing happens. We die and that's it. Live while you can because this is the only shot you've got! And the romantic part of me believes that I'll live forever and ever and be floating in the clouds, laughing with my friends, and sipping on berry lemonade. Either way, I think I'll be okay with it. It's not like me thinking about it now will really change what happens anyhow..

So back to the flowers when I'm dead. I don't want them. I'm gonna get my own flowers while I'm alive. Sure, if you want to decorate me with flowers when I die, I guess I can't stop you...but I think it'd be cooler if you spent the money to do something cool that you have never dared to do before. Or help someone else. Or just buy flowers for the next dead body.

Just remember, no one wants flowers when they're dead. Or at least I don't.

Rich Girl, bitch girl..

I'm obsessed with the bird and the bee's cover of Rich Girl today. Love it.

I was looking forward to camping/cabin this weekend, but now it seems like everyone bailed/got sick/work, etc. So, it'll be me and a few families...if it happens. I'm sort of hoping we can reschedule because I'd rather do something else if it's just a few people. I have lots of summer goals left (Vegas, Lagoon, Rez, Red Cliffs, etc)...and this would be a perfect weekend to get started! I'm bummed I asked for the whole weekend off work and now it's not really turning out...but I suppose that's the way life works!

Grateful:

• My sister is coming to visit soon and I'm so excited to see her! Party time. 
• Good music
• Joey Bear. I love that we talk on the phone every morning and usually at least one other time during the day. He's the coolest dude I know. 
• Calv, of course. I love him so much. 
• I'm sober! 
• My parents for doing whatever they can to support me. They are both great supports to me and I'm realizing more and more how much they have done for me throughout my life and currently. I'm pretty lucky. 
• Fans/AC. My house has actually been pretty livable lately and I can get my sleeping in during the day, which has been helpful. 
• My friends. They're all awesome in different ways and I'm grateful to have so many people in my life who I love so much!
• To be happy. I haven't felt this happy in a long time. Sometimes I forget how miserable I was a little more than a year ago...life is definitely getting better and I just don't see it until I take time to write down all the things I'm grateful for. 
• I have enough food, gas in my car, rent paid/house to live in, and I have a job! 

I got a date!

I've been worried about going to the cabin this weekend because everyone else that's going has a husband, kids, or lover going with them...and then there's me. ha. Since I'm so awesome I was just going to go alone...but then I decided that would be lame. I wanted to take Joey Bear but since our sleepovers usually end about 15 minutes after they start because he wants to go home, that wouldn't have worked for an all weekend deal.

Then I remembered it didn't have to be my kid to take a kid...so I invited Kenlee to come with me! If you know me, you know I freaking love Kenlee. Since the day she was born I've been chillin' with her and she's like a little sister to me. I used to give her mohawks before she could hold her head up and her nickname has been Koolio ever since. Since I've been back in Utah (for over a year) I haven't really spent time with her and I thought this weekend would be a good time to start!

Kenlee and I have been on lots of adventures together--she's a good sidekick and I'm stoked to have her be my date for the weekend. She just turned 4 and I can't even believe how big she is now!! Geez, she's a cute little sucker. Here's to the best weekend! :)

Rainy days and bucket lists

The past few days have been overcast, cool, and perfect. I love rainy weather and everything that comes with it. Perhaps that's why I've spent the last week sleeping on my couch and watching Redbox to the max. Who knows? I've also been a pretty big bitch for a few days. I have been stressing about things I don't have control over and it's been making my life hell. Today, after talking to one of the most wonderful women in the world, I think I can finally just let go and not worry about it. Whatever happens, happens...and everything will work out how it's supposed to work out. 

So instead of worrying and being a bitch-face, I'm going to enjoy the next few weeks as much as I can because 1. I will be going to school and working full-time or 2. I will be working my ass off/getting a second job so I can either save up for school or move somewhere rad. So for the next few weeks I am just going to enjoy what life in Southern Utah has to offer. 

So here's my summer-is-almost-over/ I'm-gonna-be-an-official-old-maid-soon bucket list:

• I am going to go see '25th Annual Spelling Bee' at Tuachan in a couple of weeks. I have never really been into musicals, but since I went to Avenue Q while I was in Texas a year ago I have wanted to see another one! This one looks really cute and I'm excited to see it! 
• I'm going to my cabin for the weekend with friends. I'm a little stressed about it because I hate being in large groups of people without being able to get away...but, I think it'll be fun. 
• I still need to hit up New Castle Res, Red Cliffs, and Zion. 
• Lagoon. Again! 
• Vegas pool weekend. 
• Celebrate my mom's 60th b-day...Party time! 
• A play in Cedar...at one of the many festivals. ;)

The chances of me getting enough time off work/having enough money to do all of this is very slim, but I'm going to try my hardest! Wish me luck! 

Blah blah blah

I can't stop sleeping. All I do is work and sleep. From the moment I get off work until I have to go back to work,  I sleep. For the first few days I thought it was calm down but as it's getting into almost a week of doing this now it's getting annoying. I'm annoyed that I want to do is sleep. I could be out having fun and enjoying life, but I'd rather be in my bed. I did get a lot done this week for school though, so at least I did something.

Next Friday, Saturday, and Sunday I'm going to my cabin. I haven't been up there for a year and I'm pretty excited. I'm hoping that it's a fun and relaxing trip but ...lets be real, I'm sure it'll be a little chaotic with all the people who are going. I might just find a bed and sleep the whole time. ha. Either way, I'm excited to get 3 days off work in a row!

I'm mostly counting down the days to August! I will find out about school/financial aid, my friend is coming to visit, and hopefully I can throw in a couple fun things before school starts (if I am able to even go to school). I've been really anxious and worried about school. I know that I need to go and I want to go back so much but I also know that without financial aid, I cannot afford to go. I know that worrying about it won't change anything but I am literally making myself sick thinking about it. I keep wondering if I should have written a different letter or included more or less information than I did, if I should have done it earlier, if I'm smart enough and blah blah...I felt good about it after I talked to my advisor and then I turned it in and felt like it was pointless. For now I guess I just need to focus on other shit. There's nothing I can do now...

If I can get into SUU that would be ideal. If not, I'm going to start applying for jobs elsewhere. I need a change of scenery and maybe then I could get a job that I enjoy and that has potential. Don't get me wrong, I'm super grateful to have the job I have right now and for the most part I enjoy it...I just don't want to be a lifer working at the truck stop. And if I can't get financial aid there's no way I would ever be able to save enough money to go to school while working here...so I'm kind of at a dead end. I want to enjoy life and keep moving forward. The past year has been awesome and much needed. I feel grounded and for the first time in my life I'm doing shit to help myself. I'm a little scared to leave Cedar because I have a great support system of friends and family here, but I also know that I can't stay where I am forever.

I was reading something yesterday and it was something like, God has 3 answers: 1. Yes 2. Not yet 3. I have something much better....or something like that. Although I don't choose to call my higher power God, I agree that things happen for a reason and I just get to trust in that right now. I've done what I can do and now I get to just live life and enjoy whatever happens. I'm usually so dead set on a "plan" that I get expectations of how it will turn out and then get mad when it doesn't happen, because it never does happen how I think it should.

So as for school/life/jobs, right now I'm just going to be right here. Right now I'm happy and I have everything I need and most of what I want, too! Life is good!

day off begins in like 7 hours.

And I don't have anything planned. What to do?

i want to sleep

I had Saturday night off work and now it's Tuesday morning and I feel worse than I did the whole 17 days I worked in a row (or however many days it was). I seriously feel like a train hit me and then ran me over again, just for fun.

I look like death, feel like death, and want to die. I know, I'm being dramatic...but that's how I feel.
Thank God I don't work on Wednesday or Thursday...I might shank someone, for real. Only 1.5 more nights until I can sleep my life away again. yay.

Also, I got a cute package today and I'm pretty stoked about it. I have cute friends. Plus I got an awesome CD. Today wasn't so bad until I got to work.

I need a new life. Anyone want to trade? And by life, I mean sleep schedule that doesn't kill me.

Buddy have me some ugly frames...here they are all glammed up!

Nails

Every single time I paint my fingernails (which isn't often), they look like shit about 20 minutes later. Partly because I can't paint nails and they never actually look good to being with, but usually they are already chipping before the day is over. I'm not going to lie, I kinda like chipped nails- they look like I'm not trying too hard and I wouldn't want that. Ha. Oh well, I guess I need to just paint them everyday and then it wouldn't be a problem. Yeahhhhh right. 

On the other hand, I got a pedicure like 2 weeks ago and it looks like I got it yesterday. Yay for toes that look good, at least. 

Today is a bittersweet, but mostly sweet, day. It's my last grave before I get a day off. I think I'm up to like 14 in a row. I know that it's not that much, but it feels like I've lived here and I'm ready for a break. My plans for my day off? Oh, I'll be doing the same thing I do even when I have to work: I'll be chillin' with Calv..but for longer. And I'm going to take Joey bowling and to dinner. Good times. 

I've been slacking lately. I just can't seem to get the motivation to get my ass out of bed. I know I have to, but the past 3 days I just haven't. I think tomorrow will be a nice refresher and then I'll be back to normal. I feel more refreshed right now than I have in weeks, mostly because I know I don't have to come back to work tomorrow. Yay! So here's to a fun weekend! 

I'm grateful for Calv, Joey, cute texts, rain, the nice temps we've been having (cooler weather = cooler house), my bed, my friends, my parents, surprises, and lemonade. 

Fresh

Today it feels like I'm getting a fresh start. I love meeting people who I feel instantly connected to and can be real with...perhaps maybe it's that I'm just more "real" with myself these days and in turn it's easier to be honest with other people. Either way, it's refreshing and I'm excited about life. Life is so funny sometimes, the way shit falls into place right when I stop searching for it. All I know is that life is beyond good today.

I know this is cryptic and lame, but whatever...it's my blog and I like it this way.

I'm stoked to get off work in a few minutes. I'm going to go get ready and then go to the parade with Joey. Then I get to go hang out with some pretty rad ladies and later on I'm going to a BBQ. Now I just need to find a time to sleep and life would be perfect. It's pretty damn close to perfect now, though.

Happy 4th of July!

In this moment...

I am content. I am happy to be alive and I'm so grateful for the life I have right this very second.

Holy shit, I'm blessed.

In the last few days/weeks some pretty awesome shit has been happening and  I just get to sit back and enjoy it.
Right now I look cracked because I only slept for 4 hours yesterday, but I feel happier than I have in months.

Happy things about today:

• talked to my sis on the phone for the first time in a while. i miss her! 
• had great company at work.
• made some big bucks on ChaCha 
• got my passport application so i can go to Australia!!!!!!
• got a new penpal who is pretty rad. 
• hung out with the girls at HHW for a bit before work, just for fun. i love getting to know them and just talking with them. 
• Monday (for me) is almost over! And then I get to sleep. 
• my cats were adorable all day. of course.
• i got to hang out with Joey. we jammed to Justin B. and B. Spears. Livin' the dream. 

I'm old.

I feel like an old lady lately. With age, I've found that I cry a lot. I don't cry because I'm sad (usually), I cry when I think things are cute/nice/awesome. What the hell, right? I guess it's not so bad because it usually just happens when I'm alone at work and looking at cute things online. Today I found this:

21 of the sweetest things I've ever seen...

Sometimes I forget how small acts of kindness really do make a huge impact on people. In fact, sometimes I forget that sometimes the smallest things people have done for me have made the biggest impact on my life. I'm grateful for all the awesome people I know and for all the cool things they do for me. I'm pretty lucky!

And for real, check out the link, you won't regret it.