While I was feeling angry today, I decided to dig a little deeper and find out why I was so angry with something that had absolutely nothing to do with me, except that I care. As I was trying to think of everything about the situation that was upsetting me, I discovered I'm scared shitless.
I'm scared of myself.
I'm scared of the future.
I'm scared of my past.
I'm scared of the dark.
I'm scared that I'll relapse.
I'm scared that my cat will die unexpectedly.
I'm scared that I'll lose Joey.
I'm scared my best friend will hate me tomorrow.
I'm scared that my parents might die (um, hello...everyone dies).
I'm scared that I'll never get into school.
I'm scared that I'll never get out of Cedar.
I'm scared I'll never find love.
I'm scared of settling.
I'm scared of not settling.
I'm scared to end up alone.
I'm scared to end up with someone I end up despising.
So...while it's easier for me to be angry at someone else for something they did that doesn't have anything to do with me, I realized that I'm just a scared mess. And if you're wondering, yes...I really do worry about all of those things on a daily basis. Not to mention worrying about whether or not I turned off the lights, left my hair straightener on, locked the doors, left the oven on, etc. Perhaps I have mild anxiety. ha
Anyway, right now I'm okay. And that's all that matters. As long as I stay in the here and now, everything else seems to take care of itself. The past year has proven that to me...now I just gotta keep doing it.
Sorry that this is weird and cryptic and probably makes no sense. Oh well. :)