Day Off...or not.

Whelp, the schedule for next week is looking a lot like this week. I haven't had a day off in 10 days and I get to work 7 more days until I get one day off.

Thank God I get to do whatever I want at work....but I'd still like a day off. And a night in my bed. But whateve, this is the life. I'm livin' the dream and I am very grateful to have a job. Plus, overtime kicks ass.

Today I'm grateful:

• I get to go volunteer at the Summer Games for a few hours after work with the women at HHW. 
• I'll get to cuddle with Calv for a few hours before I come back to work tonight. 
• I have a cute new water bottle. It's a Nalgene....like the one Enna stole from me. ;) 
• I had lunch with my mom yesterday. Just us. Weird, but good. 
• Joey called me a few minutes ago to say "hi". I love that boy so much. 
• I made bomb.com food yesterday. Fry bread with honey butter. Holy smokes, it was good. Plus...there's more where that came from! 
• I'm still listening to Mayer Hawthorne on repeat and I love it. (2 songs, anyway) 
• It's a beautiful day outside and I'm gonna work on my tan...or lack thereof! 

Happy Weekend to ya'll. 

gettin' down or something...

Music. Love. Peace. Sunshine. Rainbows. Blue Monsters. Scones w/ Honey-butter. Clean laundry. Fluffy blankets. Sharpies. Hugs from Joey Bear. Cuddling with my Calvie. Basketball shorts. Trips to the lake. Big sunglasses. Tanning oil. Warm showers. Clean sheets. Shaved legs. Crab legs. Irish pub music. Birthdays. Friends. Cuddling. Sunsets. Cute toenails. Clean hair. Freshly cut grass with cool designs. Garlic anything. Fish & Chips. Beach. Road trips! Theme parks. Sunrises. Ocean. Sushi. Red Cliffs. Good food w/ great company. Chick Flicks. Cruising w/ windows down. Jamming with Joey. Snow cones. Sand Hollow. 

Sexy:

• No Strings -Mayer Hawthorne 
• She Will Be Loved (acoustic version) -Maroon 5
• Lets Stay Together -Al Green 
• I'd Rather Be With You -Bootsy Collins 
• Find A Way -Dwele 
• Lets Get It On -Marvin Gaye
• Holdin' On Together -Phoenix 

This week: 

• What It's Like -Everlast
• That Wasn't Me -Brandi Carlile 
• Want U Back -Cher Lloyd 
• This Isn't Everything You Are -Snow Patrol 
• Young Homie -Chris Rene 
• Counting Blue Cars (Tell Me All Your Thoughts On God) -Dishwalla 
• Ho Hey -The Lumineers 

Single Cat Lady

Lately I've been asked why I'm not dating anyone. Here's why:

1. I wanted to take some time (a year or so) to get my shit together. A year ago I was living in rehab, had 5 pairs of basketball shorts and a couple of t-shirts (lost all my other shit), and had been sober for a month...not exactly dating material. ha. It's been a little over a year since I got out of a relationship and got sober. That may seem like a long time to you, but for me it seems like yesterday. I am still figuring my shit out and I don't want to drag anyone else through it.

2. I live in Utah. I'm gay. There are like 3 lesbians in Cedar. The dating pool isn't very large and I'm not going to date someone just to date someone. Stupid.

3. I love my cat too much. Seriously. I would rather hang out with Calv than try to find a girlfriend in Cedar City. He watches chick flicks with me, doesn't fight with me, cuddles with me, and he isn't very messy.

4. Of the 3 lesbians in Cedar, none of them are sober. I can't date someone who isn't sober....obviously. And I'm not just talking they have a beer every now and then...they drink like I do. And that's scary shit. ha ha

5. I like living alone. I like doing my own thing. I like having time to spend with my family and friends. Sure, it'd be cool to have someone to bring along....but I'd rather go alone than with someone I don't really like. Duh.

6. I am okay with being gay. Sure, it's uncomfortable at times because of the community I live in and because I don't want to offend my family. I don't want to date someone who isn't okay with who they are or who wants to hide the fact that we're in a relationship. I've been running from myself my entire life and I'm finally okay with it (mostly) and I'd rather be alone than pretend I'm not dating someone.

7. Dating is expensive. I'm poor. I don't want to waste my money to impress someone enough to date me. No thanks. I'd rather buy cat treats for Calv. ;) And go on fun vacations with my bestie.

8. Everyone I know that gets in a relationship (myself included) drops off the face of the planet. I don't want to drop off the planet. I like what I'm doing right now and I'm content. I would be really sad if I couldn't do the things I'm doing right now. Sure, I could be a "normal" human and have a healthy relationship where I could keep doing all the things I love to do...but lets face it, that's probably not going to happen right now.

9. I have little to no drama. And mostly no drama. Dating girls (or boys) = drama. I like just being mellow. It's been a nice change.

10. I still miss Jordan. I don't miss all the drama. I don't miss the fights. I don't miss dropping off the planet and literally having no friends and never talking to my family. I don't miss all the stupid shit...but I do miss her and I don't think it'd be fair to get in a relationship if I still have feelings for Jordan. Yes, I'm in touch with reality and I know that I will never be with Jordan again; that doesn't change how I feel.


I know that no matter what happens, whether I am single or in a relationship, I will be okay. And right now, I'm happy. I couldn't ask for anything else. I have a wonderful family, amazing friends, and my life is full of awesomeness. I would not trade my life for anything. Hell yeah, it'd be awesome to have someone to share my life with and to love....but it would be much worse to be with someone I don't really love just so I'm not lonely. I've done that and it was not awesome. So, until I am in a place where I could have a healthy relationship, I will remain a single cat lady.

Grateful

• I'm so grateful for all the wonderful people in my life. I know I say it a lot, but it's true. I have so many amazing friends and family and I feel so blessed to have them in my life. All the new friends I've made since I've been sober are amazing and help me remember why I'm sober. My family and all my old friends who I put through hell and they are still there for me is amazing. I did a lot of stupid shit and I'm grateful that they're still there for me. I'm pretty lucky in the friends and family area. 
• I'm grateful that I am sober. Holy shit, some days I think it'd be awesome to get drunk because sometimes life is life...but then I get to remember why I'm sober. 
• I'm so grateful that I have my own house. It's so nice to be able to go home and just chill. Who cares that I spend only like 8 hours a day there...it's so worth it. 
• I'm grateful for Calv. Seriously, that cat is that coolest cat on earth and I love him. I donno what I'd do without Calvie.
• I'm grateful for chapstick. For real, it's the best thing ever. 
• I'm grateful that I have a car to drive. 
• I'm grateful for my job. It's chill, my co-workers and boss are cool, and I get all the hours I want...plus some! 
• I'm grateful that I have fun stuff planned EVERY weekend for the next two months. Plus some in between. This has been the best summer I can remember in a long time. ....and probably the only summer I remember in a long time, with the exception of last summer ( I just wasn't in the position to focus on fun at that point). 

Happy Sunday!

Weekend fun!

This weekend was jam packed with fun!

• On Friday after work I went to Sand Hollow and got my tan on....and by that I mean I sat on a rock in the sun. The wind was intense but it was still super fun. 
• After the lake we went to St. George and had frozen custard... nom nom nom. 
• Saturday I went to the Women's AA meeting, and then did some "Service" with the women at HHW. It was good to just spend time with them. Plus, I had a delicious lunch with one of my favorite people! 
• Saturday night I went to a BBQ, ate some good food and played horse shoes. It was a good time. 
• After the BBQ we went to Groove Fest! It was fun to just hang out and listen to good music. 

Now it's Sunday morning and I'm at work. When I woke up my eyes were glued shut (allergies)...and they are still puffy...it's really cute. Although my weekend was a lot of fun, now I get to go do everything I should have done on my days off. My house is a nasty, I need to do laundry and I don't wanna do anything but sleep. 

So here's to making sure I get shit done before I have fun next time! 

*Sadly, I didn't take any pictures of anything I did this weekend. I didn't take my phone with my anywhere..which was actually super nice. I need a camera! 

A me kind of day...

Today I couldn't sleep when I got home from work so I got a pedicure and a hair cut. I feel so much better.

Now I'm of to bed for a bit before work. :)

time for a change.

Sometimes I get bored. When I'm bored I usually cut my hair. And then I hate it. Lets be real...I like to have my hair long enough to wear in a ponytail everyday. Or a wet bun.

So I'm gonna get a trim. And maybe I'll even get a pedicure.

I need to do something crazy but maybe this time I won't go completely off the deep end.

Sometimes I have to take a double-take at my own life. Weird, I know....but sometimes it just seems too good to be true. The past few days have been so much fun and I'm so grateful for all the cool things I get to do.

• On Saturday I got off work and couldn't sleep so I decided to go to the Women's AA meeting. I haven't been in months and I'm so glad that I went! I love hearing women share that have 25+ years of sobriety. Pretty cool!

• Saturday night Lindsey and I went to Yankee Meadows where there was an AA camp out going on. We were there for dinner and a speaker meeting. It was fun to get out of Cedar and spend time in nature. Plus, I got to hang out with one of my best friends for the first time in forever! 

• On Sunday I went to Three Peaks with some pretty great people and rode 4-wheelers and a Razor(?)...so much fun! We also went Zombie hunting. The 3 year old kicked some major butt. If I ever have a kid, I really hope she's as cool as Scout. 

• I also got to see my dad for Father's Day. I wish I could have spend more time with him, but it was nice to see him for a bit. 

On Monday I woke up early with no plans except to have a rad day. And a rad day it was. I got to hit the noon AA meeting, have lunch with a freakin' awesome friend, watched some summer games basketball with Joey and hung out at Horizon House for a while. 

Sorry my posts are sorta lame. I just like to remember what I do....and if I don't write it down, I'll forget! :) 

Happy Fathers Day!

Since my sis moved we ate now pen pals...
Today I got my first letter! Yay! Cute right?!

hermitless day 1: summer games

Today was day one of trying to be less "hermit"-like. I'm not sure if it counts, because I was with April...but whatever. I'm counting it.

We went to the Utah Summer Games opening ceremonies. Ya know, I haven't been to it in a few years and tonight I remembered why...

Don't get me wrong, I had fun.....it just had nothing to do with why I paid to get in the gates.
The first hour was spent with people (athletes and the National Guard) walking around the track. Okay, great. That was fun. Glad I got there early for that!
The next 20 minutes was a super gay (literally) boy band from Provo, Utah. Neat-o. Wouldn't pay to see that everyday.
And the reason most people were there was for Nitro Circus from MTV. They were cool. They did cool shit. And then it was over in 20 minutes.

The highlights of the night were:

• laughing at the funny people who were practically sitting on my lap. people watching is fun.
• getting confused as to where i was...for a minute it felt like I was at a BYU devotional. Weird. 
• the walk from the car to the stadium. It was a nice night. 
• hanging with the bestie and her lover. they're fun. 

Needless to say, I probably won't attend next year unless they bring Chelsea Handler or JT. Step it up, USG. 

At least I accomplished my non-hermit day one. I did, however, get a fair amount of cuddle time with Calv in before the event. Gosh, he's cute. No wonder I'd rather be at home. 

hermitville

As many of you know, I'm a hermit. Sure, I still do lots of things that would probably not qualify me as a legit hermit...but at heart I am definitely hermit status. I like to be at home. I like to be by myself. Some people think it's a bad thing; sometimes I get lonely only having Calv around but for the most part I'm pretty happy about it.

I work. A lot. I see a few people during the night. Score.

I do Horizon House stuff 3-4 times a week. I see people then. And they're rad. Yay.

I go to AA. For a while I was only going to one meeting a week, but lately it seems I'm going more and more. So about 3-4 times a week I see people there. Cool beans.

I hang out with April 6-7 days a week.

I hang out with my cats. Everyday.

As much as I love my current hermit-ness, I think it's time I start branching out a bit more. I have lots of people that I absolutely love and would love to spend more time with....but the thought of getting out of my bed an hour earlier than I want to in order to have a dinner date (or anything) makes me cringe.

For the next week, I'm going to step it up a notch and try to be a little less hermit-like. I'm going to branch out and be a real human for a few days --minus the bonus day that will be spent in my bed....unless I find a bed mate. Don't worry, I won't fill you in on those details if that does happen. ;)

I already have some ideas for the next few days, so stay tuned for that. ha ha

Wish me luck! I'm already cringing at the thought of being social beyond my normal duties. EEk! Hey, maybe I'll remember how much I liked being social and start doing it more often....

Angry.

Today while I was feeling angry about something I paused to just feel. I don't do that often and I usually don't know quite how I'm feeling. Either I'm happy or I'm sad. 

While I was feeling angry today, I decided to dig a little deeper and find out why I was so angry with something that had absolutely nothing to do with me, except that I care. As I was trying to think of everything about the situation that was upsetting me, I discovered I'm scared shitless. 

I'm scared of myself.

I'm scared of the future.

I'm scared of my past.

I'm scared of the dark. 

I'm scared that I'll relapse.

I'm scared that my cat will die unexpectedly.

I'm scared that I'll lose Joey.

I'm scared my best friend will hate me tomorrow.

I'm scared that my parents might die (um, hello...everyone dies). 

I'm scared that I'll never get into school. 

I'm scared that I'll never get out of Cedar.

I'm scared I'll never find love.

I'm scared of settling. 

I'm scared of not settling. 

I'm scared to end up alone. 

I'm scared to end up with someone I end up despising. 

I'm scared. 

So...while it's easier for me to be angry at someone else for something they did that doesn't have anything to do with me, I realized that I'm just a scared mess. And if you're wondering, yes...I really do worry about all of those things on a daily basis. Not to mention worrying about whether or not I turned off the lights, left my hair straightener on, locked the doors, left the oven on, etc. Perhaps I have mild anxiety. ha 

Anyway, right now I'm okay. And that's all that matters. As long as I stay in the here and now, everything else seems to take care of itself. The past year has proven that to me...now I just gotta keep doing it. 

Sorry that this is weird and cryptic and probably makes no sense. Oh well. :) 

real life vs. summer life

 I'm not in school and my work schedule stays the same year round. Fall, winter, spring and summer really don't make much of an impact on my other duties (work, volunteer, etc), but it seems like there is ALWAYS something going on.

I have had something every weekend since May and I have stuff lined up for every weekend until August. This week on Friday, Saturday and Sunday there is a camp out....I should go, but I am deciding to take a weekend that I don't have to be anywhere. No work, no activities lined up, just free time. I couldn't be happier. Plus, lets be real...with so many activities, my money situation sure could use a break for a week.

While I really do enjoy having something to do all the time, sometimes summer life is more exhausting than "real" life. I feel more worn out on my days off than on the days I work....unless I work and then have shit to do, too.

What I'm saying is that I want a vacation. The kind that's relaxing. Not the kind that you feel like shit when you get home because you never stopped. I want to relax and not worry about shit. So this weekend, I'm going to turn my phone to "airplane" mode and take my vacation, right in my own bed.

the coma has ended...

Yesterday (Saturday) after work I got to go do a "car wash" to raise money for the free Thanksgiving dinner and Sub for Santa that we do for the Mentor program. We raised about $400.00 (between two locations) and spent about 6 hours washing cars/hanging out. By the time I got home at 2pm I was beat. I didn't even shower before I got in bed...gag. 

I slept...and slept. I didn't get out of bed until 6am on Sunday. ha ha...and then I felt like I was hungover, so I slept some more. 

I did make it to the 11am AA meeting and that was much needed. Then I got to see April for her birthday and then another meeting. 

Then I slept again until work. And here I am...tired as hell. I guess I'll be spending Monday in my bed, too! :) 

Thanks to everyone who came and supported our car wash! We'll have more where that came from, I'm sure. 

No zzz's for meeee

It's currently 6am on Saturday morning. I have been awake since about Thursday at 4pm. I did, however get one short cat nap with Calv mixed in there. 

I'm tired, I'm hungry, and i haven't washed my hair since Thursday. Gross. 

Today when I get off work in about 1.5 hours, I get to run home and shower and then head out to the fabulous car wash we're doing to raise money for Sub-for-Santa and free Thanksgiving dinner. Hooray. I can't say I wouldn't rather sleep right now, however, I know if I miss it because I'm sleeping I'll regret it later. Darn, I hate that. So...I'm not going to sleep and I'm gonna rock this car wash. 

Yesterday was a great day. 

• therapy session at the truck stop (i wasn't being the therapist this time, either). i wasn't even on shift. weird.
• spiritual hike with the women at HHW. it was supposed to be spiritual, but no one was feelin' it, so we just talked and laughed. it was a lot of fun!
• mowed gma and gpa's lawn <3 got to say hi to them. 
• cuddled with Calv for a crazy amount of time. 
• tried to made an "UP" cake for April's b-day.

Nothing fabulous, just lots of really little things that added up.

Plus a great surprise when I was heading home to sleep before work (which didn't happen)- Jordan and Britt showed up and we got to visit for a while. It was nice to see them. 

AND, I got a phone call from my handsome brother!

Today is my Friday!

7 hours of work and I'll be enjoying a day off! I'm the only person at work who will work graveyards...so it's crazy right now. I'll be glad when the other graveyard dude gets back from his summer vacation (4 weeks).

Wednesday was cool. I got off work at 7:30am, went home and started laundry and then went for a bike ride! I love that I've been making time to ride my bike. I feel soooo much better when I do it and it makes me fall asleep even more quickly. Plus, I'm hoping that if I ride it for a few weeks I'll be able to actually start running...I miss running a lot!

Wednesday evening I started the tobacco cessation group at Horzion House. It was pretty cool. I wasn't very prepared, so that's something I'll have to do better next week. I found out that I will get a stipend to teach the class that I thought I was volunteering to do! Cool! My phone will be paid for each month. I like that.

I got to hit up WOW Wednesday with my bestie...even though I really shouldn't be drinking Coke, it tasted oh-so-wonderful!

Nothing too exciting is going on in my life but I have so much going for me right now.

For my day off I plan to go for a bike ride, dinner date with my dad, and clean my house. Plus I have some cake baking to do. Maybe I'll get crazy and go tanning, too. ;)

Yesterday

Yesterday rocked.
I went on a bike ride. Went grocery shopping. Made some bomb good. And I got more sleep in a row than I have in months.

Fans and stuff

• My dad rocks. He came to my house on Sunday night and hooked me up with a sweet fan set-up. You see, my house was built 149 years ago or something and has no AC or anything of the sorts. When it is 80 degrees outside it's at least 10 degree hotter in my house. Gag. Plus, since I work graves I sleep during the day when it's the hottest. My dad came and fixed my screen so Calv and Gretch can't get out and then rigged some fans for me and it's been amazing! When I got home from work on Monday morning it felt amazing in my house....by 10pm..not so much, but that's cool because I got to come to work anyway. I think everyone needs a dad like mine. 

• Joey and Carson are two of the coolest dudes ever. Listening to them Skype with each other yesterday was one of the funnier/sweeter things I've ever seen. They're so cute. 

• I got to go to HHW to make some resumes with the girls in the house last night. It's fun getting to know the girls and it's also a good reminder of where I was a year ago. Plus, they'll eat my cooking mishaps...ha.  I'm so, so grateful that I got to go to rehab and that I get to keep going and giving back. What a wonderful program. I'm very blessed and my life just keeps getting better. 

• Today (Tuesday) is my "do nothing" day. I like that kind of day. I'm going to go for a bike ride, clean my house and bake some shit. Then I'll probably cuddle with my kitties. Living the dream, baby. 

• I've killed 3 huge giant crickets at work tonight...at least I hope they're crickets. They look so creepy. Thank goodness the broom provides a perfect weapon. 

• My bestie turns 26 on Sunday. JONES SODA PARTY! :) 

Weekend bliss

This weekend was so much fun and much needed.

1. Went to SLC with my bestie. Hit up gay pride for like ten minutes and it was sorta lame unless you were drunk...so we went to lagoon!! Sooo much fun. :)) We drive up and back in the same day so we'd have all of Sunday to get things done.

2. On Sunday I woke up early to go see Joey since he got home from Florida late Saturday night. I love him so much.
3. Went on a 3 mile bike ride.
4. Went to the Sunday morning AA meeting.
5. Lunch with the fam.
6. Mentor meeting.
7. Fixed a screen on my window and got some fans going so I don't melt in my house...well, my dad did that anyway ;)
8. Back at work now and ready for a new week!

Having the weekend off was wonderful. I feel like I got a lot done and I had tons of fun!

Here's to a kick ass week!