Happy list

I have lots to be happy about and I don't wanna forget it. Plus, sometimes when I'm in a shitty place it's nice to be able to read these lists and remind myself of all that I have to be grateful for these days. 

• Even though my bro is in Florida for a few days, I get to talk to him at least once a day. Phones are pretty stellar. I can always count on Joey Buffalo Decker to cheer me up...
• I've been going through old photographs that my parents have at their house and scanning them so that I'll have them. Looking at all the cute pictures has really made me realize how lucky I am. Here's a few:

Dad and Jill

Buddy, me, Dad, Anne

Dad 

Papa and Jill

Anne, Dad, me, Buddy

Dad reading to me

Grandpa & Jill

Dad and Jill

*I'll post some of my mom and grandma's soon. :) 

• I'm very grateful for my dad. He's always been my hero and the person I look up to. I love all of the pictures that I have with him... Unfortunately, we don't have many photos together in the last 10 years...I need to work on that! 
• I'm grateful for both of my grandpas. They are two of the coolest guys I know and I'm so grateful that I've gotten to spend this much of my life with them. 
• Sunshine! It has been absolutely perfect outside! I love warm weather and I'm stoked for summer. 
• Calvie. I just love him so much and I'm glad he's mine. :)
• New friends & old friends. I love it when "new" friends seem more like "old" friends because it just seems so natural. 
• Road trips! 
• Reading a good book. 
• Diet Coke with Vanilla- WOW Wednesday with April. 
• cooking, baking, etc. I am not exactly good at it, but I enjoy it. 
• Clean house. 
• Clean sheets. 
• Clean laundry. Yumm
• music.
• sleeping in
• writing letters/receiving letters :)
• talking on the phone to friends who don't live near. I gotta be better about this one. 
• watching a good movie, cuddled up in bed...with Calv. 

Everyone is loved by someone...

So...I'm a bitch. I judge people I don't know, especially at work. Truckers aren't always the nicest looking, happiest people on earth and sometimes I jump to the conclusion that they aren't real people. Tonight as I've been sitting here at work (with no internet except on my phone) thinking, I realized that all of these people are loved. Maybe not by me. Maybe not by many...but loved all the same. They have parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandmothers, grandfathers, children, siblings, friends, bosses, employees and neighbors.

I need to remind myself of this more often. Everyone has a story...and everyone is loved.  Just remembering this simple truth helps me be a little more patient and understanding.

Just random stuff

I miss my bro.
I'm watching the last 3 episodes of New Girl...I dunno how it's taken me so long to do so.
I love Calv more everyday.
This summer is gonna be jam packed with fun.
My bestie turns 26 in two weeks. Old fart.

Life is good.

Pinterest

I love pinterest. I pin more shit than I know what to do with.

And more often than not I overestimate my ability to be a Betty homemaker.

Todays mishap: monster cake balls.

The first pic is mine. The second pic is what I was trying to do...

Allergies

So...for real, allergies can suck it.

Gratitude

Grateful for my fam.
Grateful for my Calv.
Grateful for my friends.
Grateful I have a job.
Grateful that I have a cute place to live and that I live alone. I live it.
Grateful for the time I got to spend with my family today and yesterday. I'll sure miss my parents and Joey while they are in Florida!!
Grateful for an awesome boss.
Grateful I'm getting overtime this week even with mini vacation mixed in!

Life is good. I got enough sleep today and it sure makes a big difference. :)

:)

Ohhhh boy, he did it.

My baby bro graduated high school...with honors. ;)

After attending the practice and the actual graduation, I can honestly say I never want to go to another graduation. Wooooof. Long and boring.

Now dinner with the fam... :)

Joey graduates today!

More pics coming after the ceremony :)

I love you, bro.

Jones Soda kind of night...

Every time I think my life couldn't get any better, it does. What the heck?

Nothing major happened, just lots of little things. Life is wonderful.



I had a "Jones Soda BBQ" tonight with April and Ty Ty. For a while, we couldn't find Jones Soda anywhere! But, the Mav did us a big one and started selling them in the bottles. Holy smokes, I think I forgot how delicious (and full of sugar) they are. Yummmmm. We'll be having more Jones Soda nights soon, I'm sure.

Tonight while I should have been napping, I watched a movie called Pariah instead. I didn't really know what to expect as it was just one of the only movies in the RedBox I hadn't previously rented (lame, I know). It was really good---and really sad. If you haven't heard of it, look it up if you have some spare time. I couldn't necessarily related to the story (well, parts of it), but I could relate a lot to the feeling of being an "outcast", especially right after I came out to my family. It made me sad that anyone has to feel so alone for something that they have no control over...

That being said, I'm grateful that even though my family and I have different beliefs we are able to have a pretty good relationship. In fact, I would probably have to say it's the best it's ever been right now. A few years ago, my life/relationship with my parents was horrible. I hated who I was and I hated them for what they believed. Now I love me and I love them, too.

I really am lucky to have so many supportive people in my life. I hear so many horror stories about people getting disowned, losing all their friends, not being able to rent an apartment, and get fired...all for being gay. I have yet to experience any of the above due to being gay and for that I'm very grateful. I'm so glad that my friends didn't get all weird, my boss gives me as many hours as I want, and I still get to see my fam. What more could a girl ask for? Oh, and my BFF April and my kick ass sponsor (who both happen to be straight) are going to gay pride with me...NOW that's sweet! :)

Wall art...

I love him. :)

Grateful

I haven't dedicated a post to gratitude for a minute...and I'm grateful, so here we go:

• I'm grateful for the best friend in the world. I donno what I'd do without Ape Dog. Furreal. 
• I'm grateful for Joe Bear and that I get to see him/talk to him everyday. More to come on him later this week for his high school GRADUATION party post. 
• I'm grateful for Horizon House. I'm so, so grateful for the staff and all the wonderful women I got to be in treatment with for a couple of months and then aftercare for the last year. It's been quite the ride and I wouldn't trade it for anything. 
• I'm grateful that I get to be part of the mentor program at Horizon House. I love everyone in it and what we do. Today I got a cake for becoming a real mentor since I have a year sober now...I'm not sure what I was before that...ha ha 
• I'm grateful for Tia and her cute kids. They're the nicest kids in the world and I hope that if I ever have kids they turn out half as nice (and cute). :) 
• I'm grateful for my kick ass sponsor. She's the raddest (yes, I know....not a word) lady in the world and I'm so blessed to have her in my life. I feel bad for anyone who doesn't know her/get to hang out with her. 
• I'm grateful for my dad. He's the nicest guy in the world and I'm so grateful that he's my dad. He's a wonderful example to me about being Christ-like. I think if everyone were like my dad, the world would have farrrrrrr less problems. 
• I'm grateful for my mother. Although we don't always agree, I love her and I'm grateful that she's my mom. 
• I'm grateful that my mom's parents live so close! I need to be better about seeing them these days. 
• I'm grateful for my dad's parents--and even though they don't live near, they show their love by sending cards. I'm really blessed to have such awesome grandparents on both sides of the fam! 
• I'm grateful for all my aunts, uncles, and especially cousins. I have such fun memories from my childhood with them. 
• I'm grateful for my Calv. Even though he learned how to spray (gag) and he's a little horn dog these days, I love him to death. Annnd, I kinda like Gretch, tooooo.
• I'm grateful for all my wonderful friends. They all bring such wonderful and different things to my life and I'm blessed to have them all. 
• I'm grateful to be sober. After the Candle Light Vigil last night, it reminded me (even though I know) that people actually die from Alcoholism/drugs. I guess I just don't think about that very often anymore since I've been sober...but I'm very blessed to be here and be sober. 
• I'm grateful for my cute little house. I really am very lucky to live there! 
• I'm grateful for summer! I love that there are so many fun things coming up...it's gonna be a damn-good-busy-as-shit-summer and I'm stoked! 

I could go on, but I'll save the rest for later. ;) Happy Monday!

wowza

It's Sunday morning at 4:52 right now. I'm tired, to say the least. I've had a long ass couple of days, jam packed with fun...and now I'm ready for bed! Good thing I don't work tonight and I only have 2.5 more hours left at work right now. Wahoooo.

Yesterday was super busy and also one of the best days I've had in months. Luckily for me, I have an awesome bestie and we spent most of the day together.

April and I walk/ran the 5k for the Children's Justice Center---didn't train for it, not even one time. Ha ha...shit show, but it was for a good cause. ;)

Then April went to clean her moms headstone, so I accompanied her. Good times. The thing looks brand new. Good work, Ape.

Then I went and played horseshoes. First time for everything, right? Shannon and I were in the semi-finals and then lost....by a lot! It was a lot of fun though; the weather was perfect. Yum.

And then, later on that evening it was the Candle Light Vigil. I was a little worried because we didn't know what to expect, as this was our first year putting it on. It turned out wonderfully and there was a great turn out. A few people shared their experiences with losing loved ones. Luckily my eyes were already watering from allergies, so no one could tell if I was crying or not. We all got a white balloon and wrote/drew messages on them and then released them. It was really neat and I'm so grateful that this all worked out. This was going to be a small, one-time event but as we planned it, it got bigger and now we're going to do it annually. I think it's a really great way to honor loved ones who have passed away. Here's to making next year even better!

And last but not least, today was the solar eclipse. I guess since I live in the smallest, hickville town on earth I should have know that this would be the biggest deal in the world. Apparently special glasses were needed in order to view the eclipse without injuring your eye...so people forked out lots of money for glasses and then the "hot spot" was in a tiny ass town 8 miles south of Cedar....there were literally thousands of people lining the one road...and blocking the damn road, too. April and I drove out there just to see what all the hype was about. Mostly, we just figured it was a bunch of really bored Mormons on a Sunday with nothing else to do. So we took pictures and videos of them. And we didn't watch the eclipse. Maybe next time. ;)

Welp, I'm going to prepare for my day off now by jamming to some tunes and cleaning the shit outta the truck stop! Peace out.

Helllllo out there...

Well kids...I've joined the ranks of a smart phone finally. Yay!

This morning April and I ran a 5k. woo!!

Now off for some horseshoes.

Fabulous Saturday!

the past few days and the next few days...

Life is grand. It's about damn time, right? ;) I feel happier than I have in months, I don't miss Jordan like I used to, and I ready to move the hell on. Finally. Sure, I'll always care about Jordan...but it's different now. Before I think I would have dropped everything for her and I couldn't be with anyone else because it felt wrong; now I would be there for her but wouldn't drop my own life and I think I can finally move on. Feels good! 

Anyway, besides moving the hell on, I've had a really great week! I got to go to a 2 day training for a peer tobacco support group that I get to start running. I'm really excited! It's a great program and I think it'll be really awesome! Yay for that!

Today I decided to sign up for a 5k on Saturday. Have I been running? No. But I sure am excited! ha ha

I'm also in a horseshoe tournament on Saturday evening. Weird, but I'm excited for that too!

Saturday night we're having a candle light vigil/memorial. I am beyond excited for this...we've been planning it for months and it's fun to see it actually happen. 

Tomorrow I'm going to St. George with my bestie to go laptop shopping. Should be good times. Plus, it's getting out of Cedar...so even better. 

This morning at about 4am I woke up. I wasn't tired and I didn't have anything to do so I moved ALL the furniture in my living room. I swept under all of it and re-arranged it. By the time I was done I decided I liked it better the way it was before I moved it, so I moved it all back. At least it got cleaned underneath, right? ha ha...and then I went back to bed. 

Life really is so good. I couldn't ask for anything more. Thank God I'm sober and can actually have a life these days. :)

today

• I get to spend the day at a training. After working all night, it'll make for a long day...but i'm excited!
• I will try to be a little bit better.
• I'm grateful for my life. I'm grateful for all the wonderful people in it. I really am so lucky.
• I will look forward to 4pm when I get to sleep a little before work and cuddle with my baby. 
• WILL BE A GREAT DAY!

April and I in Vegas :)

Vegas getaway and my weekend recap

Vegas was jam packed with fun:

• poolside for a few hours upon arriving in Sin City. the best part was people watching. i swear some people took as much time getting ready for the pool as they do to go to the club. funny. 
• went to lunch by my old apartment. it was fun to go over there but it made me miss Jordan a little. whatever, lunch was bomb and it wasn't 20 dollars for a sandwich. bonus of not eating on the Strip. 
• went to the mall. i sat on a bench and people watched while April went shopping for a bit. it was relaxing and i liked it. 
• got back to our hotel and gambled! April hated it at first, but i'm pretty sure she liked it by the end. ;)
• i won 30 dollars...and quickly lost it. ha ha
• went to the New York, New York- my favorite (or former favorite) place in the world. we went to the Irish Pub because they have a cool band that plays there. turns out it's only cool if you're wasted...so we left shortly after arriving. 
• rode the roller coaster! way fun. 
• gambled some more. 
• met two boys....they gave us money to gamble with...and then wanted to go back to their room. sorry April for being a downer on that little party. ;) 
• gambled a little more, lost all our money and went back to our room at midnight. 

Lets be real, Vegas isn't as rad as I remember it being. Don't get me wrong, I had a great time with my bestie and it was nice to get out of Cedar. I just don't think I'll be hanging in Vegas often. I am very grateful that I didn't wake up hungover, I'm sober, and I don't have to make an ass out of myself anymore. 

Jordan texted me while I was there. She has something that belongs to me and asked if I wanted to meet up and she'd give it back to me. First of all, it's something that could be easily sent in the mail. Secondly, she wanted me to meet her girlfriend. Ummm...no thanks. Sometimes I wonder if real life is more like a Jerry Springer show than I thought? ha ha

Anyway, the best part of leaving Cedar was that I got to come back and get in my own bed and cuddle with my Calvie. I sure did miss him while I was gone! :) 

New beginnings and stuff

Well folks, tonight was my last night of "aftercare" group at Horizon House. I'm done! I can't believe it's been over a year since I got to go to Horizon House! Seems so unreal and at the same time it feels like it's been much longer than that, too. I am grateful for all the wonderful staff/counselors that were willing to work with me, especially at first...I was a little bit of a nightmare. I'm grateful for all the wonderful women I met while I was living in the Horizon House and for the relationships that I still have with them even though we rarely see one another. I'm grateful that I got to go once a week after I left residential treatment and be with people who I could relate to and for all the many friends I have made along the way.

I'm also grateful for my family. I don't know for sure, but I doubt that I'd have a relationship with them if it weren't for Horizon House and the things that I got to do in the last year. For that, I'm grateful. I'm also grateful to have my best friend again and for her being so supportive and understanding over the last year.

My life isn't perfect, but it's pretty close! I'm happy, I have my own house, I have two cute kitties, amazing people to surround myself with, a job, and right now--I'm sober. I love that I get to live life and enjoy it- even the small, simple things.

Tonight is my last grave of a run of 7 and then I get tomorrow off. I'm tired and I wanted to call and have someone cover my shift, but I remembered that I get to have a job...some people aren't that lucky. So here I am. Tired as fuck, but I'm here. I think I look like I'm going to die...but that's okay. ;)

Mostly, I'm just so grateful for the life I have today. Thanks to everyone who has helped me get to where I am today. I love you all.

:)

Today was glorious.

 I got plenty of sleep, all at once, which has been rare lately. I got to cuddle with my cats...well, Calv...not Gretch. I got to hang out with my bestie. I saw Joey and my parents. I listened to good music. I thought about painting my nails...and didn't. I got to see a friend for a minute before work. And now I'm at work. I love that when I get to work, if I hurry and get most of the cleaning done right at first, I have all night to myself to do anything I want.

Things that I could have improved on today: not sleeping past 3 alarms. I missed an appointment that I really needed to be to and I woke up to late to call and re-schedule. I guess that's life, but I really wish I had a somewhat normal schedule so that I didn't feel like such a hot mess all the time. Oh well, that's life. ;)

This morning I tweeted that I wish I had a cuddle buddy other than my cat. I had no idea how many people feel the same way...but after I got 25+ notifications that people had re-tweeted it, I guess I'm not alone. haaha...sick.

Anyway, I work tonight and tomorrow night- then I get a day off to clean and get ready for Vegas and then one more day of work and off I go! I'm getting really excited. I'm so glad I get to spend the weekend with my bestie. :)

Peace out.

life is funny

Lately I've been in kind of a funk. I mean, I'm happy and I love where my life is heading; I'm surrounded by amazing people and I have a job. I have my own house and share it with the two cutest kitties on earth. But somehow, I've just been kinda blah. I work weird hours, sleep weird hours and feel like I never have enough time to sleep and be a real human. So, lately I've been choosing sleep over play or most anything else besides work. 

Then I get angry because I'm not having fun. WTF, right? 

Tonight when I got to work my sponsor had me read something and although I'm sure I'll still choose sleep more often than not, it opened my eyes to how I am acting and in turn, how I am feeling. Geeeeez, I love my sponsor. I'm so lucky that she is willing to work with me and show me how to be human. it's pretty cool. 

On a kind of unrelated note, Vegas is this weekend. I have been stoked to go for a while now and I think it'll be good. Part of me is sad about it. I'm sad that the person I love is in Las Vegas and I don't get to be with her. I'm sad that I don't get to drink and party like "normal" people. I'm sad that I love Vegas so much and can't stay there. 

I'm also super happy that I get to spend the weekend with my best friend and that she's willing to be awesome and sober with me. I am so grateful that my boss gave me the time off work so I could go have a fun weekend. I'm happy that I get to be sober and experience new things. 

It's bittersweet and I'm excited for all the new adventures I get to have. My sister just posted a blog about how we get to experience painful events or things go differently than we planned so that better things can come and we're ready for them. I agree and I'm hopeful. 

Life is good and I'm gonna be okay. :)))  

Watching the (last)Jazz game of the season with Joe Bear.

Roomie is all moved out.... I live alone!

Vegas in 4 days.

Just sneezed 34 times in a row. Gag.

Planning Joey's graduation partayyyy!

Loving life...

the things I think about at 5am...

So, earlier today April and I were talking and love came up. I don't remember many details except that she believes that it's impossible to stay "in love" with someone forever and that you just "love" them. I disagreed with her and told her I think it's totally possible to stay "in love" forever with the right person.

I can't stop thinking about it...what if she's right?? Why on Gods green earth would anyone want to be with someone they weren't in love with? I love a lot of people who I would not want to spend my life with...so how can that be enough? I get that it's not always gonna be perfect and it won't always be rainbows and butterflies, but if you've reached a point in your relationship that you're no longer in love is it honest to stay in it?

I would want to know if the person I was spending my life with wasn't in love with me anymore...

Perhaps "love" and "in love" would have to be defined for this to be a real argument, but I'm gonna go ahead and stick with my belief that it's possible to stay "in love" with someone forever. Who knows if that's in the cards for me, but I won't be settling for less than that. If that means I end up alone, I guess that's better than being miserable with someone...right?

Meh. It's 5:30am....

A bed, A BED!

my baby Calv diggin the new bed :)

I got a new bed!!!!!!!!!!!

A few months ago someone gave me a queen bed frame and I loved it. The only problem was that I had a roomie and we could only fit twin beds in our room...and I didn't have a queen mattress.

Well folks, things worked out and I got a queen mattress from my bestie. And then my roommate moved out (well, in the process).

Now I have my new bed all set up and judging by the picture of Calv, it's a good deal.

I had Wednesday and Thursday off work so I got busy painting my room (it's just white but it made a huge difference), setting up my new bed, re-decorating, and moving furniture. Now I'm at work and I'm exhausted....well worth it though!



I.can't.wait.to.get.in.bed.today. My allergies have been bugging me to no end and I can't take anything for them (nothing that works, anyway). My eyes are red and puffy...I look like I have pink eye, in both eyes...it's sexy.

Um, one week until I go to Vegas! I'm so excited. I don't care what we do or where we go, I am just stoked to go!

Oh, and next Wednesday is my last day of being a Horizon House client. Holy shit, what a year! :) So grateful that I got to go to Horizon House and meet all the wonderful people. I'll actually be kinda sad  to be done...but not sad enough to keep going every Wednesday. ;) I'll still see everyone, so it's cool.

Well, happy May 5th. :) Keep it real.

Crafternoon and stuff

• I found some awesome bar stools at DI for 3 dollars each and painted them today. They will double as my nightstand...
• Yesterday April gave me a queen size mattress to fit the awesome bed frame that I got from Maya's parents. Hopefully in a couple of days I'll have a normal bed again! yayyyy.
• I found a cute little "TV dinner" table for 3 dollars and painted it. It's gonna be my "desk"/laptop table. 
• I made a make-up bag.
• I visited grandpa and grandma.
• Went to dinner with the fam. Pizza Factory =heaven....carb heaven, that is. 
• I went to AA and heard some good shit.
• Learned how to make coffee...apparently it's a science to be perfected. Frankly, I don't care...but I'm willing to learn. ha 
• Cruised with Ape. 
• Had a surprise visit from Jock and Britt at the truck stop. 
• Cuddled with cute Calv before work.
• Realized I have a pretty awesome life. 

I love days like today. I didn't waste the whole day sleeping since I didn't work the night before. Graves kick my ass sometimes, but I'm grateful to have a job that I can do pretty much whatever I want all night. I do miss being a real human in the daytime though....sometimes...:] 

Life is good.