Have you ever been so tired that you stare at a wall/computer screen/tv/book/etc for like 8.5 hours and didn't really do anything? Welcome to my night. I had a lot of studying to do but instead I literally stared into space. Weird.

I still can't believe that I got to go to Nepal! Seriously, that is the greatest thing that I have ever done and it was such a spur of the moment decision. I hope that I get to go back someday. 

But for now, I am working on being in the moment. I am always looking back or looking forward, but rarely just right here, right now. Hell, even in Nepal I had to really force myself to stay in the moment because it's always easier to focus on anything other than what is actually going on. 

I just bought this for my house and I am going to hang it up tomorrow. 

For one of my classes, Motivation and Emotion, we had to choose a goal for the semester. It could be anything: diet, saving money, going to bed at a certain each night, whatever...For mine I wasn't sure what I wanted to do but after thinking about all the things that I did want to do, this sort of encompassed all of them. I truly believe that if we live in the moment, everything else just falls into place and we (I) seem to be much happier. So here's to being here right now.

I had my weekend all planned out. I was going to be so productive and get all my homework done on Friday so that I could enjoy the weekend. I was going to clean my house from top to bottom. I was going to do a lot of things. And then real life happened. I spent my time at work and in my bed. I didn't do my homework (I have lots to do tonight now) and I only partially cleaned my house. I need a week vacation from life to catch up on shit...if only.

Instead, I'll probably be playing catch-up for the remainder of the semester and that's okay. Real life isn't as simple as I sometimes like to believe it is. I always have these lists and schedules written out but when it comes down to it, they are very unrealistic and don't allow for any time to sleep or just "me" time. So, instead of beating myself up over what I didn't do, I'll just be grateful for what I was able to get done.

Here's to being the best I can be this week.

And my favorite post secret this week:

the "beauty myth"

For my senior capstone project this semester, I am doing a research paper about women, their bodies, and the unrealistic standards they are expected to meet. Although mostly it has only made me angry and sad for women, it's also very interesting; there are so many books on this subject that I never knew existed and probably would have never read if not for this paper. 

If you're interested...or just bored with your life, you should read: 

"The Beauty Myth" by Naomi Wolf 

I'm about half way through it and so far, it's very eye-opening, interesting, and quite sad. The next on my list is "Mirror, Mirror Off the Wall" by Kjerstin Gruys. I'm reallllly excited for that one and that's why I'm saving it for last (or at least 2nd). It's her personal account of how she took her life back by not looking in a mirror for a year. If that's not cool, I don't know what is. Seriously, that's awesome and I don't know that I could do it. 

Anyway, since I haven't actually written a paper yet..or even close, I'll shut up. I'm just really excited about this and mostly that there are women who are standing up for themselves and others. People are beautiful. Make-up, boob jobs, designer vagina's (if you can call it that), the latest fashion, etc. don't make us beautiful- we already are and we just don't see it. In fact, Naomi Wolf said that the biggest challenge women face today isn't material status or even legal, it's psychological; we are so accustomed to striving for a "perfect" body, life, family, etc that we don't need laws holding us back...we hold ourselves back. Interesting stuff. 

And now I'll go back to reading because I have lots of it to do. :) 

grateful wednesday?

I'm a bitch lately. Big time. So, I'm gonna make a grateful list...maybe then I'll be nice. Maybe...

• I have a job. I have a job. I have a job. I have a job. 
• The weather is perfect. Seriously, I love fall. 
• Calv gets cuter every.single.day. I swear, that cat is my child..or something like that. 
• Joey came to my work last night at 10pm (that's really late for a school night) just to say hello. I love that kid. And my dad for bringing him. :) 
• On Sunday I got to spend time with Tia & Scout. They always make me feel better. 
• I have spent time with Britt and Ape, too. Those girls let me be crazy and they still (I hope) love me. And they listen to my crazy thoughts. That's cool. 
• Laura Prepon. That's all. 
• My tattoo is looking better. For a minute I was really worried because it was looking nasty and scabby. I guess that happens with real tattoos. Who woulda thunk? 
• I made the best playlist. I've had it on repeat for a few days now and it's still not old. I love every song on it. 
• School isn't horrible. ....
• I graduate in December. Holy shit. 
• I have no dirty dishes in my sink. And my house is decently clean. 
• It's my laundry day! I love clean laundry. 
• I have enough money to pay my bills. yay
• I didn't want to poke my eyeballs out in math yesterday. 
• I've been sober for 29 months and 2 days. weird, but good. 
• Diet Coke w/ Vanilla.
• My hair is still straight from when I had it straightened in May. Best $120.00 I've ever spent. Seriously. 
• I have the weekend off work! 
• My new duvet is the best thing of my whole sleeping existence. 
• My fingernails are pink. If that's not happy, I dunno what is...

Almost two and a half years ago, I got on a bus from Las Vegas back to Utah. I knew it then and I still know that I made the right choice for myself at the time, but the pain of what I had to leave behind is still real and sometimes unbearable. In fact, I'm not sure that I'll ever "get over it", as some people have suggested. I don't know how to make my heart un-feel the things that it felt and still feels. Sometimes I feel really crazy for still feeling these things- and lets be real, I probably am crazy.

One week ago I came face-to-face with the girl that I was once so madly in love with, for the first time in two and a half years. I had waited so long for that moment. And there I was and I didn't know what to do, how to act or what I should feel; I never expected for there to be that moment and for it to be happening was surreal. I wanted so much for it to be the same as it was before and in some ways it was and in others it was worlds different. We have both fallen in love with and given our hearts to new people, we are both doing our own thing and have our own lives, and yet with one look I was taken back to what used to be.

I wish I could say that things turned out exactly how I would have hoped and that we were living happily ever after... but that's not the case. No where near that, actually. I still love her and I wanted so badly for things to be okay and for us to be okay. And we are okay. We just aren't together being okay.

As much as it hurts (and probably will for a very long time) to say goodbye (again) to someone that I love, it has renewed my hope in love and in my ability to do it. For so long, I was willing to compromise things that I need/deserve in a relationship because I just didn't think that I'd find what I needed; now I know it's out there again. I needed to be reminded that the things I want exist and I can have them. It might not happen when or with whom I want at this moment, but it will happen. It might not look exactly like I think it will but it will be good and I don't have to compromise the things I need to get it.

Compromising is good sometimes but other times I need to remember that I deserve more and I will get more- Thanks to Ash for reminding me of that.

what is love?

In my Motivation and Emotion class a few weeks ago, we discussed what "love" (in a romantic context) means and how to get it. I think everyone knows what love feels like, but when asked to describe it, things can get crazy. Try it!

People were throwing out things like: you take care of them when they are sick, you like having sex (or physical intimacy), you have things in common, you feel good with them, etc.

Anyway, as we were talking about it and sharing what we think it means, someone raised their hand and said "companionship". The professor literally jumped out of her chair and thanked him for sharing what she was looking for- she had been waiting a good ten minutes before someone said that word: companionship. She went on to say that, yes, it was a type of love. She then pulled up this picture:

She asked us each to think about which type of love we have had/have in our own relationships and also to think about what our friends and family have (from our perspective). A lot of people said that their parents seem to have "empty love" (commitment) but perhaps lack the passion and intimacy.

As I was sitting in class I felt like a ton of bricks hit me. I didn't want empty love or even companionate love but I also don't want just infatuation or liking. I want the whole deal. Every single part of it.

I can't think of anything more depressing than to be with someone because it's comfortable or because I feel obligated. Yes, I know it happens and that's just part of life sometimes (at least I would assume so). And I'm not saying that people who only have part of the triangle should go get divorced or leave their families, but for me, I could never willingly and knowingly continue in a relationship where I wasn't able to give/get all three of these things.

When I see couples out together but never even look up from their meal, I feel sad for them. Who wants to eat alone when you're sitting across from someone? Maybe I'm just being idealistic and hoping for something that may never happen, but I would rather be alone than in a relationship like that. But I'd also rather be alone than in a relationship that was purely about sex....so maybe I can't win.

I have had all of it and when you have it, you know it. So as for now, my single ass will be holding out until I get it. And by it, I mean all of it.

Are soul mates real?

After the weekend I had, I'm pondering the question of whether or not soul mates exist. I'm a romantic at heart and I want to believe that there is one person that completes us. Sure, there's lots of people that we could be okay with, but is there more than one person that we could be absolutely perfect for and that could be perfect for us? And how do we know we are living up to our potential? What if we are with someone we think is our soul mate because things are okay, but we could really be living in a different realm had we waited just a little bit longer for the "one"? 

Or maybe I've got it wrong. Maybe I'm living in a fantasy world and making things much more complicated than necessary. Perhaps I'll end up alone because of it. What I do know is that I won't end up settling for someone that, yes, I'm happy with, but that doesn't light a fire in my soul. I want someone that I can just look at and know exactly what they don't have to say. I want a connection that exists very rarely and that can't be broken- not over time or for any other reason. There, of course, will be bumps and sometimes we might even have to let that person go. Maybe for a short time or maybe forever. 

But then what? What happens after we've loved so fiercely that it makes any other love seem dim, no matter how bright it may actually be? 

• This semester I am doing my Senior Capstone- a research paper about whatever (within reason/within sociological perspective) I want. I thought I knew exactly what I wanted to do and that I was happy with it. And then I started research and decided that I have so many things I want to do it on and now I can't decide what to do. Whatever I end up doing, I know it'll be something that I care about and that will be interesting...so here's to making decisions and going with it. 

• I went to SLC for the weekend and got to see friends and my sis. It was nice but I was definitely glad to get home. It was a quick trip and I was pooped the whole time- story of my life. Plus, I always like just hanging out at home on the weekends so that I can get caught up for the next week. While I was there I hit up IKEA! I got a really cute new duvet cover, duvet, sheets and a knife set with my birthday money. I have been wanting this stuff for about a year and I'm very happy I finally got it! I love me some IKEA and it makes me want to redecorate my house every time I go there!

• School is going really well, other than my indecisiveness regarding my capstone, and I am enjoying having more freedom of when I do my hw. I only have 2 classes that have regular set times and the rest are "hybrid"/do it yourself classes and it allows me to be creative and also to sleep since I work graves still. I will be glad when this semester is over but I've still got a minute, so I'm not focusing on that part yet. 
• I've had more sushi in the last 3 weeks than I had all year before that and it's been divine. I wish I could eat it everyday. I mean, I could, but that would be intense. I'm looking forward to having it again this weekend. Nom nom nom. Cedar City is not the capital of sushi (although I suppose we have an okay selection at Ninja, it's just not the same). I can't wait to live somewhere that I can get sushi anytime I want!
• I found my dream school in Seattle, WA. It will take lots of time (working) and studying to get it, but that's my new dream. First choice is still UNLV for the MSW program, but if that doesn't work out....I've got back up plans. 

Procrastination

After my last few negative Nelly blog posts, I decided that I should make a little gratitude list. And also, I'm procrastinating my homework.

Anyway, I do have a lot to be grateful for and I just forget sometimes. So here goes:

• Britt went and let my dog outside last night while I was working (I didn't even ask her!) and left me the cutest b-day present/card and some of the best soup I've ever had. 
• April and I got to go to lunch on my b-day and it was fun. She made me a bomb playlist and a really cute present, too. 
• Last night my parents and Joey brought me salsa & chips to work. Just because. It was delicious. 
• My dad bought me medicine when I didn't want to go to Wal-Mart looking like a crackhead. 
• My mom gave me a thing of toilet paper. For no reason, other than that she knows how much I hate buying it. ha
• Tia (Tia's kids) left me the cutest voice mail on my b-day :) 
• I got to spend last weekend in California. At the beach. With my favorite person. If that's not lucky, I dunno what is. 
• My mom made brownies (my fav) for my bday. I didn't even get to eat one yet because we all got sick...but just thinking about them is making my mouth water. 
• My neighbors made stuffed peppers and brought me some. They just got married a couple of weeks ago and they are really sweet. I think they feel bad for me because I'm an old cat lady, but that's okay. 
• I got invited to not one, but two, ward parties this week. I think I'll pass, but the thought was nice. ha ha
• I get a random Monday night off (aka, tonight). Yay for sleeping at night.
• I got a freaking 100% on my first math test. Boom, baby. I shocked myself more than anyone, I think. 
• I enjoy all my classes so far...even the boring one. The reading isn't so bad. 
• The weather has been perfect. I love rain and the cool fall weather. Plus the sunsets have been stellar. 
• My professor, Shobha, took me to lunch on Thursday for my b-day. That was the coolest thing any of my professors have ever done. I love me some Shobha. Plus she gave me some awesome Nepali gifts. 
• My parents gave me birthday money. Who even knew that still happened when one turned 28? I'll take it. ;) I used it to pay rent. Wahoo. 
• Rocko learned how to poop in the backyard so that I don't have to take him on a 30 minute walk every time he has to go. Whew. 
• I get to see Sof, my sis, Trent and Jordan next weekend. So pumped. 

Even when I'm bitchy, life really is good. I am definitely looking forward to lots of things and I'm enjoying where I am right now, too. The only thing I could ask for is more time in the day- so I guess that's a good thing! 

I'm 28, not 70...

Yesterday I felt like the world was crashing down on me. Maybe partly because it was and partly because I hate that I'm 28. I feel so old but mostly I feel like my life is nothing how I thought it would be when I turned 28. I didn't have a whole plan about what it would look like, but this was definitely not it. Never in my whole life did I think I would be a single, animal-lady, still working at a truck stop while going to school kinda gal. I thought for sure I'd have my shit together and that I'd be rollin' in the social worker $$. Turns out, my life is completely opposite and today I'm okay with it. Tomorrow I might have another quarter life crisis but for now I'm okay.

Today I realize that just because I'm 28 does not mean I'm too old to make the life I want. In fact, I AM making the life that I want and while it's not all roses, it beats the hell out of not doing anything at all. When I graduate in December I have no idea what I'll be doing and today I'm okay with that. It's scary and I'm anxious but I know that everything will work out the way it is supposed to. I'm working my ass off (at work and at school right now) and I'm doing what I need to do to make my life how I want it to be.

I'm ready for a new adventure and also really, really sad to let go and move on from the current part of my life. I used to think that I loved change and new but right now I wish everything could just stay the same. Turns out, that's not an option and I get to move on whether or not I like it. So for the next few months I will be doing school, applying for jobs/grad schools, and soon enough basketball season will be here.

Birthdays kinda suck.

Every year I get pumped for my birthday. And (almost) every year, I get let down. I realize this is my own fault and that this year I legit turned down birthday celebrations because I had work and school but it still sucks. I took myself to California, played at the beach, and bought myself some new clothes and shoes over the weekend but my real birthday I slept and had a math test. I had a lot of calls and texts from people that I love and I appreciate it. I'm just being a Debby Downer, I suppose. But, oh well..it's over.

Today I am grateful for the people who thought of me today and made an effort to reach out. Sometimes I forget how much of a hermit I am with working graves and going to school. It's nice to remember that I have people who care about me and that I care about. Without them, today probably would have been a Vodka fest or something. Luckily, that didn't happen and here I am sober and working. Yay for real life.

On a positive note, I aced my math test today. I thought I was doomed but it turns out that going to class on the optional Friday was a good idea. Lets hope I can stay above water with this one and pass the class!

Beach Bum

For my birthday I got to go to California with Sophia and it was wonderful. I only took one picture and I'm regretting it, but it was so much fun. I loved playing in the ocean and going to bed early (I never get to actually sleep at night so it was heavenly). We ate good food, played in the ocean and slept a lot. I wanna go back. Today, on my actual birthday, I will be celebrating with a math test. Yipee.

Why do people remember things from the past as better than they were? Sometimes I find myself reminiscing about things that, at the time, were miserable and find myself thinking they were okay or even good. I'm not sure why or what purpose this serves but tonight it has got me feeling really sad. Some days I think I have it all figured out and days like today I feel like I have no idea.

For the last two weeks I have been eating healthy and taking care of myself. I have lost 10 pounds thus far. Today was my first day in the gym in over 3 years. Wowza. I thought I was going to die but it felt really good! I'm excited to get back in shape and maybe start running again. Clearly, I need an outlet and running used to be the best one and then drinking got in the way. When I stopped drinking I figured I would just naturally get healthy and back in shape but it turns out, it was quite the opposite. So now, more than 2 years sober, I am going to do it.

On a brighter note, I'm going to California this weekend to relax and celebrate my birthday. Not that turning 28 is a "bright" side, but it's happening regardless. And besides, on NPR the other day they said that 40 is the new 30...so does that make 30 the new 20? I'm hoping! I'm gonna rock the last couple of years in my twenties, since apparently it's actually my "teen" years. Here's to living life and loving the shit out of it, no matter what.

I am craving sushi. And In n Out. And this blog should end now. :)

I'm tired: Part 1

But I have a goal not to miss any of my classes. So I figure I should at least go to all of them the first week. I have a confession to make: The previous two semesters, I didn't go to the first week of class. Not one damn class. Why? Because it's boring and pointless. Since it's my last semester though, I figured I would go out with a bang!

And it begins...

School starts today! My last semester (if I pass all of my classes) at SUU is finally here. Whew. I thought this day would never come and now it's here! I'm taking some pretty rad classes and I'm excited for something to keep me busy at work but I'm mostly excited that I don't have to work weekends anymore.

Monday is the worst day out of the week for lots of reasons:

• Post Secret comes out on Sunday. Why? I wish it could come on Monday so I would have something to look forward to on this dreadful day. Frank, get on it. 
• I have to come back to work. And I'm really tired.

I guess Monday isn't so horrible since I can only think of two things...so whatever. Here's to my (hopefully) last semester of undergrad. Unless I decide to get a second Bachelors degree, which I hope I don't because I'm pretty sure that would be worthless. I guess only time will tell. 

I'm going to California for my birthday and I am stoked. This week better fly on by! 

Silver Lining Kind of Day...

Last night as I walked into work, I stepped in a pile of tomato sauce on the floor that no one had thought to mop up. Gross, but whatever. Then I noticed that absolutely nothing had been done or moved, including the food on the roller grill, since I had left that morning almost 17 hours prior. After a few minutes or hours of complaining to my girlfriend, I cleaned the place up and did the jobs that no one else was going to do. Things started to get better.

Then, later last night, someone that I have no desire to have contact with popped up out of no where. Why? I have no idea. It made me feel weird and very uncomfortable. Luckily Sof came to the rescue, as always. I got off work this morning and was feeling better about life. 

After sleeping for a few hours and getting home from my meeting, I was determined to have a good evening before coming back to work. Rocko hadn't really been outside a lot, so I took him on a walk. It was such a nice night and I was enjoying the stroll until I literally thought I was going to have to shit on the lawn by Rocko. I practically ran home and didn't leave the bathroom for an hour...the rest is history.

After a failed attempt at a nap, I took Calv out in the backyard to brush him because he is shedding like a mad man. After a few minutes, I felt someone watching me. I discovered my, probably really nice, old, creepy neighbor staring at me. As I started to get up to go inside, he came over to start another awkward conversation. In the last two weeks or so, we have had our first meeting/conversations and we have both lived there for two years. I'm not sure why he's creepin' now, but it's weird. More weird that he's probably seen me naked, but whatever. Gag. 

Back in bed for another attempt at sleep before work. Fairly successful and I even slept longer than planned. Sof saved my ass again and called to wake me up. I rushed to the bathroom to shower and you'll never believe what happened....the light flicked on and then off. Sweet. I showered in the dark and then dug in the closet for some light bulbs. As I was looking, I realized that in the two years I've lived in this apartment I have never had to change that light bulb. I guess that's the silver lining? But mostly that I made it to work in time and even put on a clean shirt.

Just when I thought things couldn't get worse, I had a creeper at work. I'm used to the creepy truckers who think I want to date them. I'm used to the drunk/high/whatever dudes that come in the middle of the night and think I want to sleep with them. That's old news. It's just the non-truckers that really freak me out. They have no reason to be here and yet, they are and they are gross. After politely telling him I didn't want to date him or have a threesome with him, he left and I called Sof. 

This day seems like a nightmare that came true. I know that just one of these events in a singular day would be nothing more than a good laugh, but all of them in one day just seems too much to even be real. I checked the moon to see if that's why it was creep day but it's not full. Not even a little bit. 

So, as I sit here at the truck stop wishing I was home in bed I just have to laugh. I know I'm being dramatic and that I probably just need sleep, but man...life is funny sometimes. Right now I'm grateful that I have a job, even if it really sucks big time right now. I'm grateful that I don't have to keep people from my past in my life and that I'm happier than I ever thought I could be without them. I'm really grateful for indoor plumbing and for Imodium. I am definitely grateful for blinds (even though I need curtains- coming soon). I'm grateful for electricity and light bulbs, even though my shower in the dark was quite nice. I'm grateful that I'm not a lot lizard at the truck stop and that I don't have to flirt with the creepy peeps in here. 

Mostly, I'm just grateful that I didn't forget to wear pants to work today. Seems like that's the only thing else that could have gone wrong. I wonder what tomorrow holds...

I just had 1.5 days off and it was just what I needed. Lots of cuddle time with the babies, evening strolls, and plenty of sleep. I don't wanna go to work tonight.

Rocko

 Just when I thought I couldn't get any crazier, I got a dog. His name is Rocko and I love him so much. He's a lot more work than my cats, but he's a lot of fun. He sleeps a lot and is pretty chill.

Summer

It seems like summer is never going to end and I'm loving it. Although I've been a bit of a home body most of the summer, since returning from Nepal, I have enjoyed it. Aside from working way more than I'm schedule to work, even work isn't that bad.

A  couple of weekends ago, Sof and I went to SLC for a Postal Service concert. The venue was weird but the concert was good. I discovered that concerts aren't really my thing anymore and that I'd prefer taking a road trip and listening to my favorite songs. I'm just too old for hanging out with tweens in a crowded room. It might also be due to the fact that most concerts I've been to, I was also drinking. Sober concerts just aren't the same. Not in a bad way, just in a way that makes them less exciting for me. So from now on, unless it's Ben Folds, I'll just stick to my iPod.

In other news, I'm getting really excited for school to start. It's a little bittersweet and very, VERY, exciting at the same time. I'm taking 17 credits of upper division Psychology classes so that I can minor in Psych. That wasn't my plan, but that's what I'm going to do now. I was really bummed that one of the classes I was most excited for got canceled but I think I'll be okay- they all seem pretty interesting.

I am still planing a candlelight vigil for addicts and alcoholics, as well. It's coming up and I'm pretty excited for it. Here is the flyer (thanks to Sof and her friend Ashlee(y)(ie) (no idea how to spell her name):

Anyway, life is good. If you're in Cedar or want to travel, come to the candlelight vigil and say hello! :)

Peace out.