Love & Stuff

While I have been having my own little pity party, one of my dearest friends since I've been sober has been struggling so much and I didn't even notice. Today while I was at a mentor meeting, I asked where he was and everyone looked at me like I'm crazy (because, lets be real....I am).

Apparently I'm the most oblivious person in the world and had been so stuck in my own world that I didn't notice he had been missing for a couple of weeks. I went over to his house right after my meeting and just seeing him made me want to cry. I have never seen him like this and I hope I don't even have to again.

Although our "choice" of drugs is quite different... when I saw him today all of the memories of me feeling like shit came flooding back and took away all of my desire to drink; it also made me realize that I'm not invincible. This person is one of the strongest, most caring and thoughtful people I have ever met...I didn't think he would ever relapse. But that's the reality of addiction and it makes me sad. The thought of losing my friend makes me so sad and also reminds me that it could be me.

Last year, as part of the mentor program, we did a candle light vigil to honor and celebrate the lives of addicts who have passed away; this year I am taking on the project as part of school and so I have been thinking a lot about it. Sometimes now that I've been sober for a while I forget how awful it felt right before I went into rehab. I absolutely hated myself and wished I could just die. Since being sober, I haven't wanted to die and I usually really like my life (even when I'm being dramatic)- but I also forget how much life sucked before...hence why I think I want to drink sometimes.

I hope I'll always remember why I don't drink. Even though sometimes I choose to remember the great times I had while I was drinking, it's easy to forget all the really shitty things and I don't like that. I also hope that I can try to be a better friend to all the wonderful people who have helped me so much over the past 18+months and beyond.