Ramblings

• It's 4am and I just finished an assignment where I had to assess the Klingon language. Klingon is a made up language from Star Trek. WTF. Weirdest shit of my life. 
• I'm glad I never had a baby. So much more to say on this, but I'm just gonna say...thank God. I love kids and I'd like one someday- I'm just glad I didn't have one when I was 18. Or even last year. 
• Monster energy drinks are keeping me alive. Again....always. 
• I have been sober 21 months and 1 day. What?!
• After I get off work, I have a day off. Yay. 
• School is about to get real crazy. 
• I miss Sof. 
• Calv has been so cute and cuddly since his nutz got chopped off. I hope he's just mellow and not dying or something. I'm sure I'm being dramatic. 
• Thoughtcatalog, pinterest and your blogs are keeping me occupied when I should be reading "Language, Thought, and Culture". Poop.
• I never thought I'd love a phone. But I love my iPhone. I don't love that I actually have to charge the sucker though. 
• The diesel pumps and the soda fountain are broken at the truck stop. Not really sure why I'm even at work. Oh well. 
• I get to see Sof soon-ish. I can't wait. 
• My sister got a BF and I haven't talked to her since. Ahem. And maybe she's busy being an adult and stuff, too. Call me, muffin. 
• Two basketball games this week+me= happy

Life is good. I'm tired all the time. School is kicking my butt. I wish my gf lived here....or that I lived there. But I'm happy and I'm sober. And hopefully I'll graduate one day and then I can move. One day...........

First week (or weeks) of school blues...

For some reason, the start of this semester just felt horrible; nothing was going the way I thought it should go and I was getting burned out with life. Usually I'm most motivated at the beginning of the semester and it slowly fades out, but not this one. For the first few weeks of school I have been depressed and lethargic. I know that sounds dramatic, but I can't think of any other way to describe it. Maybe it has to do with breaking up with my girlfriend, working too much, not sleeping regularly or all of the above. 

Today I feel like a switch just flipped and I'm ready to roll. I know that it's Sunday night and I just had two days off work and got plenty of sleep, but I'll take it. Things with Sof are going really well and I got to spend the weekend with her. I went down Friday morning and hadn't slept since Wednesday night. I was, to say the least, a hot mess. I was beyond tired and I didn't feel well at all. Sof was very kind and patient while I cried. Then we slept for a while before going down to Fremont Street. I had never been there at night or sober and it was awesome. We just walked around and watched people, mostly. We left around midnight and went to bed. It was rainy and perfect. 

The next day Sof had a training from 11am-4pm, so I just hung out and relaxed. When she got off work we ate dinner, watched a special on polygamy (saddest thing of my life), and went to bed early. We were both pooped and it felt nice to actually get some sleep. I woke up early and just lounged around until we ate at my favorite place- The Omlet House. Best thing of my life. Seriously, if you're in Vegas you need to eat there. It's divine. 

I cried when I left Las Vegas: I hate leaving Sof. And I also hate the cold of Utah. Double whammy. Mostly I just miss Sof. The drive home with filled with Ben Folds Five blaring, wind and lots of Diet Coke. Just the way I like it. I was planning to go straight to bed when I got home but decided I should be social- so after a meeting I went to my grandmas house for dinner with the fam and then grabbed a coke with April. As much as I want to be living in Vegas, I know I'll miss my friends and family here in Utah. Good thing it's close and I can come visit lots. I think it will be nice to have Buddy and Andi living in Vegas, too. They are moving down there in August and hopefully I'll be going at the beginning of next year, after I graduate. 

Sometimes when I get in a slump, all it takes to get me going again is a little sleep and some time with Sof. She always makes life seem better. I'm happy to report that I will be starting school officially tomorrow. Ha ha. (Don't worry mom and dad, I have been doing my homework...I just haven't really tried very hard). 

Holy Poop, I'm Tired...

Story of my life: I'm tired.

When I was getting out of rehab my biggest concern was that I would be bored. I was reminded of this a few days ago and I just can't help but laugh about it...sometimes I wish I was even a little bit bored, but I know that'd be worse than being busy. School is officially kicking my butt. Not the actual homework part (yet) but the long hours at the school and then coming to work after. Bad planning on my part, but not a lot I could do about it.

I'm thinking about having a "sick day" tomorrow so that I can get my house clean and sleep before a long weekend of working. I'm at work right now and I don't remember feeling this worn out/tired in a long time. My bed sounds heavenly and I wanna cuddle with Calv. Lets be real, I'll probably go to school and I probably won't sleep for 15 hours like I want to...but a girl can dream, right?

I know I often complain about being tired and wanting to sleep- and it's true. But I am also very grateful that I have a reason (lots of them) to get out of bed. I really do love school and I love having a job that allows me to study while I work. I have it pretty good and I am going to try and remember that more.

This weekend I get to see my aunt Mar and Annie Bee (and her husband & their new baby!!). It should be pretty stellar. Oh, and April & I have officially booked our trip to the Redwoods. Not sure why we're going other than April wants to go and I like driving. Yay. :)

Love & Stuff

While I have been having my own little pity party, one of my dearest friends since I've been sober has been struggling so much and I didn't even notice. Today while I was at a mentor meeting, I asked where he was and everyone looked at me like I'm crazy (because, lets be real....I am).

Apparently I'm the most oblivious person in the world and had been so stuck in my own world that I didn't notice he had been missing for a couple of weeks. I went over to his house right after my meeting and just seeing him made me want to cry. I have never seen him like this and I hope I don't even have to again.

Although our "choice" of drugs is quite different... when I saw him today all of the memories of me feeling like shit came flooding back and took away all of my desire to drink; it also made me realize that I'm not invincible. This person is one of the strongest, most caring and thoughtful people I have ever met...I didn't think he would ever relapse. But that's the reality of addiction and it makes me sad. The thought of losing my friend makes me so sad and also reminds me that it could be me.

Last year, as part of the mentor program, we did a candle light vigil to honor and celebrate the lives of addicts who have passed away; this year I am taking on the project as part of school and so I have been thinking a lot about it. Sometimes now that I've been sober for a while I forget how awful it felt right before I went into rehab. I absolutely hated myself and wished I could just die. Since being sober, I haven't wanted to die and I usually really like my life (even when I'm being dramatic)- but I also forget how much life sucked before...hence why I think I want to drink sometimes.

I hope I'll always remember why I don't drink. Even though sometimes I choose to remember the great times I had while I was drinking, it's easy to forget all the really shitty things and I don't like that. I also hope that I can try to be a better friend to all the wonderful people who have helped me so much over the past 18+months and beyond.

Weekend recap in pics

Under a Rock: The Chronicles of a Crazy Girl

Sometimes I wish I could just crawl under a rock and stay there until I felt less crazy...or forever, whichever comes first. I am realizing more and more why I used to drink and I should probably do something about it before I start drinking again. I suck at real life pretty bad most of the time and I usually mess good things up and I have no idea why.

Here's to hoping someday I can be normal and happy without drinking.

You know it's bad when...

I miss an SUU basketball game.

I never thought I'd willingly miss a basketball game- but it happened tonight. I opted to sleep. Weird. I felt a little better when I woke up and now I don't wanna poke my eyes out all night at work. Plus, I have a long day tomorrow and I didn't want to be exhausted. I'm still bummed I missed the game though!

While I was sleeping it was apparently a blizzard outside. I woke up to 5 or so inches of snow on my car...I just left my car running the whole time while I showered and got ready and didn't have to do any work to remove it. That's what I call awesome. 

Tomorrow I am going south- to the land of warm weather. At least it's warmer than here, I hope. I can't wait to turn off my phone and relax. It's a much needed break from reality and hopefully I'll get some things done that I need to do, too.

Oh and thanks to Britt and April for keeping me sane. I wish you guys were coming with me this weekend! xoxo

Just made a good decision

So, as I'm sitting here at work dreading going to my 8am math class, I had a realization. I can't fail math; I can't fail any of my classes, in fact. I wanted to take math in order to get it out of the way- mostly so I could have an easy last semester in the fall. Now that I've had months to ponder, I have come to realize that an 8am class wouldn't cut it. I wouldn't go to the most fascinating class in the world at 8am on my days off work...so I have decided to take math in the fall and skip it this semester. No I don't have classes until 10am everyday and I feel much better about life.

yay.

I also added a couple new classes that I'm pretty excited about. This should be a good semester!

My last hours of freedom...

And I'm sitting at work playing on the computer. Typical.

In other news, April and I went to the SUU game (womens) tonight and they won! It was a great game and I'm glad she made my ass get out of bed to go. Usually I'm the one dying to go and can't wait but today I would have been fine staying in bed until work...but I'm glad I got out for a bit.

I am very excited for school to start again! I forgot how boring working graves was without any homework to do- it's been a nice break, but I'm ready for school again. I'm sure after a few days I'll wish I had another break...but that's life. I had some big plans for Christmas break, but most of it was spent working or with Sof- so I didn't get much done, but I had fun.

I'm pretty excited for Monday: I am getting a new phone and a new straightener for my hair. Both things which I have needed pretty badly for a while now and have been waiting to get. It will be a happy day! I'm still counting down the days for my mini vacation, too. Can't.come.soon.enough. I love getting out of Cedar...even if it is only for a short time!

Freeeeezing up in here.

It has been getting prettttty cold at night in Cedar; last night the pipes froze at work and I had no running water and they didn't thaw until 4pm. I need to move to Hawaii. Or Vegas. Or Arizona. Or anywhere that the "cold" weather is still above 30 degrees.

Today was kind of a bummer day. I got off work late and then went to the school to buy my books- and I also finally bought a coat..it's more of a jacket, but I like it. After that I slept until April got off work and then we got coke and cruised for minute and then I slept again until I had to work. I hate it when I don't do anything but sleep- I just couldn't get out of bed. I'm pretty sad about my break-up and a little depressed that it's so cold outside. I need to pull my head out of my ass and start being productive. School starts Monday and I don't feel prepared at all, aside from having my books. Hopefully when I get off work today I'll feel a little better and can get some things done around my house.

In other news, I finally have a mini vacation planned. I mean, it's hardly a vacation- but it's one day out of Cedar...so I'll take it. It's not until the end of January, so now I'll have something to look forward to.

Anyway, this is a lame blog. Bye

The past two days have been interesting. I broke up with my girlfriend. Again. This time for good. I parted with a couch I've had since before I was born (my parents old couch) and a table that I bought to "pinterest". I've decided to revamp my house and in doing so, a few things needed to go because it was getting pretty cramped in there. Today I spoke in front of a large group and remembered how much I don't like doing so. I get so frazzled. Oh well, it's over and I'm alive. Oh, and the women's basketball team lost tonight. Damn. 

Oh well, there's always next time. Maybe someday I'll find love. Maybe someday I'll get a real couch. Maybe someday the women will win a game. Who really knows? All I know is that right now, I'm okay. In fact, I'm actually happy. Life is good and I'm ready for some crazy adventures!

I'll post pics of my "new" and improved living space when it happens. Hoping to get a lot done this weekend!

2013

I always make very specific resolutions and rarely (if ever) finish or even start them. What I have learned about myself over the past year or so is that I don't like strict rules...I like to have guidelines and then figure out a way to get there. So, for my 2013 resolutions they will be broad enough that it gives me room to play with it and still accomplish something that I want to do.

• I want to take more time for "fun". Oftentimes on my day off I just sleep or I'm hermit status. I know I need sleep and it's okay to be alone, but this year I want to focus more on my relationships with friends and family by making an effort to go out more and have fun. 
• Pass all my classes again! In a perfect world, I would say I don't want to miss class- but I think that would be setting myself up for failure. If it happens, great... ha 
• Go on a fun vacation. I don't care where as long as it's not in Utah. I need a beach or something. 
• Don't use work as an excuse not to do something. Sometimes I choose to go to work early so that I can avoid being social. Lame, right? 
• Read more. I forgot how much reading school takes; last semester I didn't read one book that I didn't have to read for school. I don't like that. I need suggestions!
• Be healthier. Be on a semi-normal sleep schedule- working graves kind of puts a damper on that, but it's doable and I need to do it. Eat better. Exercise. You know, the usual. 
• Don't commit to more than I can actually do. I always feel bad saying no, but then I end up saying yes to way too much sometimes. And then I get burned out and want to quit everything. Balance is something I need to work on, obviously. 
• Start working with my sponsor again. 
• Take time for myself to do projects I want to do.
• Be true to myself. I know what I want but sometimes it's hard for me to be assertive enough to follow through. 
• Take more pictures, write more, and listen to more music. 
• Get organized: use a planner of some sort and throw away my junk. 

Hope everyone had a wonderful New Years Eve 2012 and that ya'll are ready for an even better 2013! 

Happy 2013- but first, 2012: a review

As I've been reading other blogs about what people did in 2012 I feel like I didn't do anything. Perhaps I didn't do many exciting things, but it was a good year.

January:
I got to spend oodles and oodles of time with my grandpa- mostly at doctor visits. Oftentimes I was impatient, tired and ready for bed during these appointments but looking back I'm so grateful that I got to spend that time with him.

February:
Went on my first "real" date since being sober. Obviously didn't turn out...but it was fun and I learned that dating is supposed to be awkward and fun. Sober dating is not something I'm good at or even really enjoy but at least we got that outta the way.

March:
I have no idea what I did around this time in my life. Whoops.

April:
Joey turned 19 and I celebrated one year of sobriety. Holy cow, time flies!

May:
Joey graduated high school!! I graduated Horizon House- wahoo.
I took a trip to Vegas for the first time since moving back. I learned that I'm more of a home body and would prefer to be in bed by 10pm rather than staying up all night (too bad I work graves).
Oh and I got my house all to myself when the roomie moved out.

June:
I reapplied to SUU. I have no idea what else I did. Lagoon maybe?

July:
Found out I got back into SUU, hit up Lagoon and SLC gay pride with my bestie and stressed about school.

August:
Started school!! Starting dating Sof.

September:
Turned twenty-freaking-seven. Gag. Calv turned 1!

October:
No clue...school.

November:
I cooked a turkey and had  friends over for Thanksgiving.

December:
Passed all my finals, got good grades and had a nice and relaxing break from school.

Up next, some goals/resolutions for 2013!