On Being Sick:

Life doesn't stop when I'm sick anymore. Damn. Sometimes I miss the days that even when I pretended to be sick, life would stop or even just slow down a little. This week has proven to me that real life never stops--even when I'm sicker than shit.

To prove my theory, I missed one day of work (thanks to wonderful co-workers who stayed long hours) and now I'll be short on my paycheck. This wouldn't matter except that I have bills to pay. I also missed more class than I care to admit. I managed to take 3 exams --don't even wanna know how I did on them, write a couple of papers, and turn in a few assignments.  I also missed a few assignments (I'm hoping they won't ruin my grade) and slept a little longer than I would have liked.

Now that I'm not-so-sick-I-might-die, but rather, I'm sick but dealing with it...I have a lot to catch up on. I hate that part of being sick. The part where you still feel like shit and have to start catching up on everything you missed anyway.

I think it's about time I make a gratitude list because I'm feeling rather "blah":

• my dad brought me medicine when i was at my worst
• sof for cleaning my house while she was here for less than 12 hours on her way to SLC
• my kitties for cuddling me the whole times i was sleeping (3 days total)
• my co-workers for taking my tuesday night shift. i think i would have died, seriously. thanks guys. 
• fall weather. i love this time of year. so perfect. 
• i got a B on my Durkheim paper..the one i thought i'd get an F on..that's cool. 
• i have a math test and a theory paper due tomorrow-- so glad i feel a little more function for that. 
• water. is. divine. 
• cough drops, emergenC and dayquil are my 3 favorite things right now. 
• shrimp tacos from Del Taco. Yum 
• planning a trip to see Sof for her birthday in a month or so. so excited. 
• being ignorant..sometimes I like not knowing the date or time of day...ever. it's kinda nice. haha
• the weekend is so close i can taste it. while this doesn't necessarily mean i get a real break, i get a break from school and i can finally sleep more than normal. 
• i get to see sof on saturday night after work for a few hours. i am beyond excited.
• ben folds five is rocking my world. all day, every day. thanks boys ;)
• i'm in school, i have a job, and i live by myself. life is good. 

here's to a kickass weekend and a good week next week! 

Grateful: (because today I need to remember this shit)

• to have a job that pays my bills and that i can do homework while i'm here
• to be in school again so that  i won't have to work at the above job for life. i hope.
• for my family. they took me to dinner for a late b-day party tonight. they're fun. 
• for my house. i really do love where i live and i think it's pretty cute. 
• my cats. seriously, even though calv is going through his "teenage" years right now..i don't know what i'd do without him. i love him so much. gretch is fine, too. 
• my friends. even though i'm pretty anti-social, especially now that i'm in school and i don't see them as often as i'd like, i really do love and appreciate all of them. 
• my girlfriend. she's the sweetest. and she puts up with me. even on days like today when i'm a huge bitch for no reason at all. 
• my phone. even though usually i just want to throw it at the wall and ignore everyone...i am grateful to have it. if only it didn't also double as my alarm clock. gag. 
• the weather right now is my favorite. i absolutely love fall. yummm. 
• energy drinks. without them, i swear i'd be dead right now. 
• tide pods. seriously, best invention of my life. if you haven't used them, do it. 
• de-cluttering. i took a loveseat and a huge chair to the dump today (well, my dad did it for me). my house looks so empty--but in a good way. 
• sleep when i get it. oh my goodness, i always feel so much better after i get 7 hours in a row. i should try and do that more often. 
• fruit. i went on a fruit kick this week: apples, oranges, peaches, grapes and pears. yum. 

I still don't feel better but at least I know I have a lot going for me. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. I blame hormones and lack of sleep. :)

black feet, crochet youtube and ben folds

I have a million things to do, so why not post on my blog instead? 

My feet are so black. My flip flops make them so gross and I don't even care. I figure, I'm at a truck stop all hours of the night so it probably won't matter. I should do something about it...Perhaps a pedicure is in my future. Doubtful, but maybe. 

Since I suck at crocheting, I watched like 10 youtube videos on it. Of course I didn't bring yarn or a crochet hook so it was pretty pointless, but it did do its job of distracting me from homework. Most of the ladies that post youtube crochet tutorials seem like bitches. They go super fast and act like you're dumb if you don't know what they're talking about. Someday I hope I'm that lady. But I'll add character to the video by letting my cats be in it, too. 

The new Ben Folds Five album is amazing. I haven't been as into Ben lately, but this just did it for me. I seriously love him so much. I want to have his babies someday. But really, he is adorable and brilliant. I will see them when they come to the west coast in the spring/summer of 2013. Trent, Britt and Enna better be ready. 

Also, I got an 'A' on my Marx essay. Yessssss. Now I just wait until Monday to find out how poorly I did on Durkheim. I mean, it's no surprise really..I already know I slaughtered it and failed miserably. Good thing about that class is that the professor drops our lowest score. I'm hoping that I don't suck it up like I did on that one again. School is going really well and I am so grateful that I got to go back. My tired/bitchiness level varies greatly on the day and today (Saturday) seems like a good day to be happy. 

in the middle of a 13 hour shift.

My life is pure chaos. I had class from 8:30am-3pm today- and then came to work at 6pm and I'm here until 7:30am. I wrote the most horrible paper I've ever written and I get to go talk about it at 9am (after not sleeping for 36 hours). I'm sure my life could be worse, but it feels pretty shitty right about now. Mostly I'm tired and my stomach hurts. I need a sugar daddy.

I can do anything for 5 minutes

My lyfe on this lovely Wednesday:

• work til 7:30am (been here since 8pm on Tuesday)
• class at 9am until 2pm
• homework
• thinking about going on a run...even though i can't run. 
• more homework
• WOW Wednesday with April 
• more homework
• go to bed at 8pm (in my dreams)

But for real, I don't think I have ever been this tired for this long of a period in my life. And it's not going to get better for at least a year and a half. Good thing I can do anything for "5 minutes" is in my head constantly. I have a lot more 5 minutes to go, but it'll be worth it. I'm not sure where I heard that saying- "I can do anything for (insert amount of time)", but I love it. And I use it all the time. 

So today, I'm saying I can do anything for 30 seconds or I'll probably have a meltdown while reading Durkheim for the 12th hour. 

In happy news, I think I did well on my social psychology exam. I mean, I haven't seen the results but I feel like I knew most of what was going on--and that was surprising. And I'm all caught up in all my other classes (or ahead). This semester is going to be good. I can feel it. 

I am so tired and worn out it's unbelievable. I didn't want to leave my bed today, but I did. Aren't Sunday's supposed to be a day of rest? Seriously? I wish.

Seems like my weekends are busier or just as crazy as during the week. Not okay. I literally might cry any second because I am so tired. I feel like I get 2 hour naps and not nearly often enough to stay sane much longer. On top of it, with Thanksgiving and Christmas coming up I know I'll only be getting busier.

I'm ready to throw in the towel and just be a lifer at the truck stop.

Okay, not really...but I'm getting close. Someone give me a nap and a back rub.

School will be there death of me, if work doesn't beat it.

I'm pooped.

but today was a good day. I got to play with some cute kids, relax with Calv in my bed this morning before school, and I got my homework done. Now to study for tests and shiz next week.

12 more weeks of school, ya'll.

Hormones and stuff

I don't know what's wrong with me the past few days---months, years, whatever... I feel so crazy right now--sometimes in a good way and sometimes in a not-so-good way. I won't go into the "bad" way right now because then I'll just feel even crazier.

The benefit concert on Friday was good. At first I was bummed that it seemed like not many people showed up--people who had committed to showing up, even. But then I found out how much we made and I felt much better about it. Mostly I'm glad that Tia and her kids came and seemed to enjoy themselves. I love them so much.

Just now, a trucker who I have a pretty decent relationship with came in and asked if I have ever been to Off the Cuff. I told him yes, and that I was there on Friday before Off the Cuff for a concert. He said he was too. I asked if he knew Tyler (who the concert was for) and he said, "no, I just went for support because I saw the flyer hanging up out here." I almost started crying (because I'm crazy and hormonal) and told him thanks for coming. I don't know how I didn't see him-probably because I was dancing around with Scout--but I am so touched that someone who had no reason to be there, was there just to help out.

My faith in humanity gets a little stronger every day. Today, despite the "bad" crazy, is a good day and I'm grateful for people.

And since I'm in social theory right now, I definitely agree with Marx---people are good.

Tonight as I was sitting as work, one of the sheriffs (who I happen to give a lot of shit for hanging out all night at the truck stop) came in and asked if I knew I had a flat tire. I didn't believe him, so I went and looked...sure enough, flat as can be. He went out and pumped his gas and I was just going to call my dad in the morning to have him come help me. Yes, I have been shown how to change a tired multiple times. Could I actually do it? No. Do I want to be able to do it? Not really.

Anyway, the sheriff asked if I had a spare tire. I had no idea-- so he looked and luckily I had one. He put my spare tire on and when I tried to pay him (not much), he declined.

1. I'm grateful to live in a small town.
2. I'm grateful for kind people.
3. I'm grateful that even if I'm a bitch sometimes, people are generally good.

Lesson learned: don't be a bitch to the sheriffs. Or anyone, really. ha

Birthday number 27

I turned 27 a couple of days ago. Weird. I had a really good day-- School from 8:30am-8:30pm and then worked a grave that night--but it was a good day. 

Sof gave me some really thoughtful gifts and surprised me with a visit. It was really sweet and I'm so glad that she's in my life. April also gave me a really rad gift. I got to have lunch with my dad- and he gave me some birthday money. I got some phone calls and texts, too. That was nice. I have the best friends and family. 

Although I wasn't thrilled about getting older, my birthday was pretty great. 

No Sleep

School has been in for 2 weeks already! I feel unbelievably tired and so unorganized that it makes me want to give up. At least once a day I feel like I just can't do it---and then I remember how much I want this and how many people have helped me get here. The school part isn't the part that's killing me, either. School is actually going really well....and yes, I know that school in the 2nd week isn't very difficult, so I'm sure that'll get more intense. But for now, it's golden.

The part that's killing me is trying to keep up with everything else. Like work, for instance. Work and I have a love/hate relationship. For the past year I have worked my ass off in order to get my own apartment, everything in the apartment, pay off bills, pay current bills and do tons of fun shit. And I didn't mind working all the time because I didn't really have much else going on. Now that I'm in school full-time and trying to work full-time, most days I'd rather die than go to work. It's not that I hate my job, I just hate not sleeping.

On Wednesday morning when I got home from work at 7:30am, after not sleeping since Monday night, I was on the verge of a breakdown. I chose to miss my 9am class to sleep until noon. My goal was to not miss one class the whole semester---but I just couldn't do it. I figured it'd be better to miss one class than to drop out of school because I was in the psych ward or something. ha

So now I'm left to figure out how to make this work. Part of this is self-inflicted and part of it is unavoidable-- so for the part that I can actually change, it's gonna take some work. For the other part (the one I really don't have control over- aka working), I need a sugar daddy.

On the days where I got sleep the day before I feel great--and even on the other days, I feel very lucky to be able to have a job and be in school. I know a lot of people who would like to be able to go to school and I have been wanting/working for this for a year now...and now that it's here, I realized it's a lot of work. Sometimes I just need to remind myself why I'm going to school and how good it'll be when I finish at SUU. It's been 8+ years in the making and I'm very glad for a chance to finally finish.

In the midst of all this, I'm looking at grad schools, finding out what I need to do to be accepted into said programs, and deciding whether or not to take the GRE. The thought of going to grad school scares me and also excites me! There are some really awesome programs that I'm looking at and if all goes well, I'll start applying next semester/summer.

Today's outlook for sleep: zero. Once I get off work at 7:30am, I head to school until 2pm and then tonight is the benefit concert I've been planning for a month. But then I get to relax with one of my favorite people all day on Saturday.

Life is good-- I just need more sleep. Maybe when I die, right?

one more post before I'm an old maid...literally.

It's Labor Day Weekend and I don't have school tomorrow, so I figured I can justify blogging a little more. On Tuesday I turn 27 years old. How gross is that? I've been freaking out since the day after my birthday last year and now it's finally here. I don't remember many of the birthdays in the last ten years and I'm sure this one will fade just as quickly. For some reason, though, 27 seems awfully old and even older compared to things I have or haven't accomplished. 

This year my favorite memories (yes, this is to help me feel a little better about getting old) are as follows: 

• Last year on my birthday I was lucky enough to be able to go to Texas. I'm not sure how I managed to do that since I had been out of rehab just a little over a month--but I'm so glad that I did. It was fun to see a new place and enjoy it sober--I wish I could travel more. Someday. 
• Community Thanksgiving Dinner. It was so much fun to be able to hang out with tons of amazing people on Thanksgiving...and of course I brought cards and carried on the tradition that my family has. 
• Sub4Santa-- I can't even describe how awesome it was to be a part of this. We intended to help 4 families, but as it turned out, we helped many more. Lots of amazing things happened and it was so cool to be a part of it. 
• Talking to or seeing Joey everyday. I love that kid so much and I'm lucky that he lives so close. One of my favorite things is to call him early every morning and just say hello. 
• Getting my own apartment. When I first moved in it was just me, then I got a roomie, and now it's just me and the cats. I am really lucky to be able to have my own place. 
• Getting Calvin. I'm not sure if the day we got Calv would qualify as a "favorite" memory because I was skeptical and didn't like cats. Turns out, Calv is definitely my favorite thing ever. I really don't know what I would have done over the last year without him!
• I got to go to TONS of basketball games. 
• Went to Lagoon a few times with my best friend. I love spur of the moment road trips.
• I applied to SUU, got re-admitted, was awarded financial aid and am now back in school. I'm not sure why it worked out this year, rather than last, but I am so grateful. I definitely owe a lot of people more than I could ever repay and am so grateful everyday that I get this opportunity. 
• I celebrated one year of sobriety on April 29! I honestly never thought I would see that day and it seems like a dream sometimes. I am so lucky to have been able to go to rehab. 
• I'm dating again. Weird but so much fun. I feel so lucky to have the coolest (and lots of other things that I don't feel the need to blog about on here right now) girlfriend. 
• I can't think of any other "big" things that happened-- but there are so many little things that I'll never forget. I am so grateful to all the wonderful people in my life. I have the best support system in the world and I don't know how I got so lucky. A year ago, fresh out of rehab, I had lots of "dreams" that I never thought would actually come true...turns out, they have and continue to get better! I can't even begin to describe how incredibly happy I am right now. Life is really the best it's ever been and it just keeps getting better. 

So, even though I'm being a baby about turning 27, I am also a tiny bit excited to see what life will bring over the next year. Even if life isn't half as wonderful as it was over the last year, I'll still be sitting pretty good. 

Thanks to all my friends and family for helping to make this last year a great one and here's to another great year ahead. Today, as I was talking to one of the people that I respect the most in the whole world, I remembered that life really is fragile and it's important to do the things we want to do now. Don't wait, just do it.