Almost two and a half years ago, I got on a bus from Las Vegas back to Utah. I knew it then and I still know that I made the right choice for myself at the time, but the pain of what I had to leave behind is still real and sometimes unbearable. In fact, I'm not sure that I'll ever "get over it", as some people have suggested. I don't know how to make my heart un-feel the things that it felt and still feels. Sometimes I feel really crazy for still feeling these things- and lets be real, I probably am crazy.

One week ago I came face-to-face with the girl that I was once so madly in love with, for the first time in two and a half years. I had waited so long for that moment. And there I was and I didn't know what to do, how to act or what I should feel; I never expected for there to be that moment and for it to be happening was surreal. I wanted so much for it to be the same as it was before and in some ways it was and in others it was worlds different. We have both fallen in love with and given our hearts to new people, we are both doing our own thing and have our own lives, and yet with one look I was taken back to what used to be.

I wish I could say that things turned out exactly how I would have hoped and that we were living happily ever after... but that's not the case. No where near that, actually. I still love her and I wanted so badly for things to be okay and for us to be okay. And we are okay. We just aren't together being okay.

As much as it hurts (and probably will for a very long time) to say goodbye (again) to someone that I love, it has renewed my hope in love and in my ability to do it. For so long, I was willing to compromise things that I need/deserve in a relationship because I just didn't think that I'd find what I needed; now I know it's out there again. I needed to be reminded that the things I want exist and I can have them. It might not happen when or with whom I want at this moment, but it will happen. It might not look exactly like I think it will but it will be good and I don't have to compromise the things I need to get it.

Compromising is good sometimes but other times I need to remember that I deserve more and I will get more- Thanks to Ash for reminding me of that.

what is love?

In my Motivation and Emotion class a few weeks ago, we discussed what "love" (in a romantic context) means and how to get it. I think everyone knows what love feels like, but when asked to describe it, things can get crazy. Try it!

People were throwing out things like: you take care of them when they are sick, you like having sex (or physical intimacy), you have things in common, you feel good with them, etc.

Anyway, as we were talking about it and sharing what we think it means, someone raised their hand and said "companionship". The professor literally jumped out of her chair and thanked him for sharing what she was looking for- she had been waiting a good ten minutes before someone said that word: companionship. She went on to say that, yes, it was a type of love. She then pulled up this picture:

She asked us each to think about which type of love we have had/have in our own relationships and also to think about what our friends and family have (from our perspective). A lot of people said that their parents seem to have "empty love" (commitment) but perhaps lack the passion and intimacy.

As I was sitting in class I felt like a ton of bricks hit me. I didn't want empty love or even companionate love but I also don't want just infatuation or liking. I want the whole deal. Every single part of it.

I can't think of anything more depressing than to be with someone because it's comfortable or because I feel obligated. Yes, I know it happens and that's just part of life sometimes (at least I would assume so). And I'm not saying that people who only have part of the triangle should go get divorced or leave their families, but for me, I could never willingly and knowingly continue in a relationship where I wasn't able to give/get all three of these things.

When I see couples out together but never even look up from their meal, I feel sad for them. Who wants to eat alone when you're sitting across from someone? Maybe I'm just being idealistic and hoping for something that may never happen, but I would rather be alone than in a relationship like that. But I'd also rather be alone than in a relationship that was purely about sex....so maybe I can't win.

I have had all of it and when you have it, you know it. So as for now, my single ass will be holding out until I get it. And by it, I mean all of it.

Are soul mates real?

After the weekend I had, I'm pondering the question of whether or not soul mates exist. I'm a romantic at heart and I want to believe that there is one person that completes us. Sure, there's lots of people that we could be okay with, but is there more than one person that we could be absolutely perfect for and that could be perfect for us? And how do we know we are living up to our potential? What if we are with someone we think is our soul mate because things are okay, but we could really be living in a different realm had we waited just a little bit longer for the "one"? 

Or maybe I've got it wrong. Maybe I'm living in a fantasy world and making things much more complicated than necessary. Perhaps I'll end up alone because of it. What I do know is that I won't end up settling for someone that, yes, I'm happy with, but that doesn't light a fire in my soul. I want someone that I can just look at and know exactly what they don't have to say. I want a connection that exists very rarely and that can't be broken- not over time or for any other reason. There, of course, will be bumps and sometimes we might even have to let that person go. Maybe for a short time or maybe forever. 

But then what? What happens after we've loved so fiercely that it makes any other love seem dim, no matter how bright it may actually be? 

• This semester I am doing my Senior Capstone- a research paper about whatever (within reason/within sociological perspective) I want. I thought I knew exactly what I wanted to do and that I was happy with it. And then I started research and decided that I have so many things I want to do it on and now I can't decide what to do. Whatever I end up doing, I know it'll be something that I care about and that will be interesting...so here's to making decisions and going with it. 

• I went to SLC for the weekend and got to see friends and my sis. It was nice but I was definitely glad to get home. It was a quick trip and I was pooped the whole time- story of my life. Plus, I always like just hanging out at home on the weekends so that I can get caught up for the next week. While I was there I hit up IKEA! I got a really cute new duvet cover, duvet, sheets and a knife set with my birthday money. I have been wanting this stuff for about a year and I'm very happy I finally got it! I love me some IKEA and it makes me want to redecorate my house every time I go there!

• School is going really well, other than my indecisiveness regarding my capstone, and I am enjoying having more freedom of when I do my hw. I only have 2 classes that have regular set times and the rest are "hybrid"/do it yourself classes and it allows me to be creative and also to sleep since I work graves still. I will be glad when this semester is over but I've still got a minute, so I'm not focusing on that part yet. 
• I've had more sushi in the last 3 weeks than I had all year before that and it's been divine. I wish I could eat it everyday. I mean, I could, but that would be intense. I'm looking forward to having it again this weekend. Nom nom nom. Cedar City is not the capital of sushi (although I suppose we have an okay selection at Ninja, it's just not the same). I can't wait to live somewhere that I can get sushi anytime I want!
• I found my dream school in Seattle, WA. It will take lots of time (working) and studying to get it, but that's my new dream. First choice is still UNLV for the MSW program, but if that doesn't work out....I've got back up plans. 

Procrastination

After my last few negative Nelly blog posts, I decided that I should make a little gratitude list. And also, I'm procrastinating my homework.

Anyway, I do have a lot to be grateful for and I just forget sometimes. So here goes:

• Britt went and let my dog outside last night while I was working (I didn't even ask her!) and left me the cutest b-day present/card and some of the best soup I've ever had. 
• April and I got to go to lunch on my b-day and it was fun. She made me a bomb playlist and a really cute present, too. 
• Last night my parents and Joey brought me salsa & chips to work. Just because. It was delicious. 
• My dad bought me medicine when I didn't want to go to Wal-Mart looking like a crackhead. 
• My mom gave me a thing of toilet paper. For no reason, other than that she knows how much I hate buying it. ha
• Tia (Tia's kids) left me the cutest voice mail on my b-day :) 
• I got to spend last weekend in California. At the beach. With my favorite person. If that's not lucky, I dunno what is. 
• My mom made brownies (my fav) for my bday. I didn't even get to eat one yet because we all got sick...but just thinking about them is making my mouth water. 
• My neighbors made stuffed peppers and brought me some. They just got married a couple of weeks ago and they are really sweet. I think they feel bad for me because I'm an old cat lady, but that's okay. 
• I got invited to not one, but two, ward parties this week. I think I'll pass, but the thought was nice. ha ha
• I get a random Monday night off (aka, tonight). Yay for sleeping at night.
• I got a freaking 100% on my first math test. Boom, baby. I shocked myself more than anyone, I think. 
• I enjoy all my classes so far...even the boring one. The reading isn't so bad. 
• The weather has been perfect. I love rain and the cool fall weather. Plus the sunsets have been stellar. 
• My professor, Shobha, took me to lunch on Thursday for my b-day. That was the coolest thing any of my professors have ever done. I love me some Shobha. Plus she gave me some awesome Nepali gifts. 
• My parents gave me birthday money. Who even knew that still happened when one turned 28? I'll take it. ;) I used it to pay rent. Wahoo. 
• Rocko learned how to poop in the backyard so that I don't have to take him on a 30 minute walk every time he has to go. Whew. 
• I get to see Sof, my sis, Trent and Jordan next weekend. So pumped. 

Even when I'm bitchy, life really is good. I am definitely looking forward to lots of things and I'm enjoying where I am right now, too. The only thing I could ask for is more time in the day- so I guess that's a good thing! 

I'm 28, not 70...

Yesterday I felt like the world was crashing down on me. Maybe partly because it was and partly because I hate that I'm 28. I feel so old but mostly I feel like my life is nothing how I thought it would be when I turned 28. I didn't have a whole plan about what it would look like, but this was definitely not it. Never in my whole life did I think I would be a single, animal-lady, still working at a truck stop while going to school kinda gal. I thought for sure I'd have my shit together and that I'd be rollin' in the social worker $$. Turns out, my life is completely opposite and today I'm okay with it. Tomorrow I might have another quarter life crisis but for now I'm okay.

Today I realize that just because I'm 28 does not mean I'm too old to make the life I want. In fact, I AM making the life that I want and while it's not all roses, it beats the hell out of not doing anything at all. When I graduate in December I have no idea what I'll be doing and today I'm okay with that. It's scary and I'm anxious but I know that everything will work out the way it is supposed to. I'm working my ass off (at work and at school right now) and I'm doing what I need to do to make my life how I want it to be.

I'm ready for a new adventure and also really, really sad to let go and move on from the current part of my life. I used to think that I loved change and new but right now I wish everything could just stay the same. Turns out, that's not an option and I get to move on whether or not I like it. So for the next few months I will be doing school, applying for jobs/grad schools, and soon enough basketball season will be here.

Birthdays kinda suck.

Every year I get pumped for my birthday. And (almost) every year, I get let down. I realize this is my own fault and that this year I legit turned down birthday celebrations because I had work and school but it still sucks. I took myself to California, played at the beach, and bought myself some new clothes and shoes over the weekend but my real birthday I slept and had a math test. I had a lot of calls and texts from people that I love and I appreciate it. I'm just being a Debby Downer, I suppose. But, oh well..it's over.

Today I am grateful for the people who thought of me today and made an effort to reach out. Sometimes I forget how much of a hermit I am with working graves and going to school. It's nice to remember that I have people who care about me and that I care about. Without them, today probably would have been a Vodka fest or something. Luckily, that didn't happen and here I am sober and working. Yay for real life.

On a positive note, I aced my math test today. I thought I was doomed but it turns out that going to class on the optional Friday was a good idea. Lets hope I can stay above water with this one and pass the class!

Beach Bum

For my birthday I got to go to California with Sophia and it was wonderful. I only took one picture and I'm regretting it, but it was so much fun. I loved playing in the ocean and going to bed early (I never get to actually sleep at night so it was heavenly). We ate good food, played in the ocean and slept a lot. I wanna go back. Today, on my actual birthday, I will be celebrating with a math test. Yipee.