18 Months Soberrrrr

Holy smokes- today I've been sober for 18 months! I can hardly even believe time is going by so quickly. It feels like yesterday that I was walking into rehab, not knowing what to expect. I'm so, so grateful that my family helped me get to Horizon House and that once I got there- I actually stayed. It's beyond me why I didn't walk out a million different times. I hated that place at times; I also made some of my best friends and learned so much while I was there.

I have the best sponsor (even if I don't call her enough), my family is awesome, my girlfriend is one of my biggest supports and my friends are all amazing. Thanks to everyone who put up with me before I got sober and has continued to be there for me during the past 18 months. I am just so happy and so grateful.

Wahoooo!

schoolio

• School is going rather well- better than a few weeks ago when I felt like rusty brains. I mean, I'm sure I'm still just as rusty, but I'm getting A's on my Social Theory papers and I'm doing well in math...so I can't really complain about that. Hopefully I can hold on a little longer and get this semester over with. 

• I haven't been "living" at the truck stop like I was for the first month and a half of school and it's been so nice. I've been able to spend quite a lot of time doing things I love, with people that I love. I am working full-time still...just not crazy overtime. It's been very nice-- all except my paychecks..but I'd take the time off any day. 

• I watched the movie "what to expect when you're expecting" last night with my cats. I wasn't expecting it to be great, but I loved it. So funny. And now I want a baby. I've always loved kids but over the last few years I've just accepted that I'll probably never have one and I'm fine with that--up until last night. Now I think I need a baby. ha ha 

• Today there were lots of Halloween parties- instead of going, I hung out with April and then Joey. Way more fun. I'm not a fan of dressing up to go do nothing....I mean, really, that's sorta lame. 

• I really need to start writing more exciting things....or maybe if my life were a little more exciting I'd have more to write about. Oh well, I'm sure in 10 years I'll enjoy reading this. 

Today was such a good day. I slept in because my first class was just a review for the test on Tuesday and he gives up a study guide- so there's no point to go listen to his read the questions to me. Then I woke up, had time to actually shower and go to math- in real clothes. Second time this semester that I wore real clothes to math. The good news, the professor never showed up for class and the power in the whole city went out so we all left school.

Instead of being a hermit, I went and played cards with my grandparents. It was nice to see them and I'm glad I got to hang with them for a couple of hours. They really crack me up.

Then I got a niceeee nap in and a cruise with April before work. Once I got to work I got to talk to my sis for a long time on the phone which was nice. I don't talk to her enough.

And now I'm watching all the episodes of Season two of New Girl. Best show ever. And funniest. I love it so much. If Grey's Anatomy and New Girl were the only shows on TV right now, I'd be fine.

And the best part of today is that it's actually my Friday. I don't have to work tomorrow and I couldn't be more excited! :)

My period started. Thank God. Now at least I know why I'm being irrational and emo. I mean, at least I have an excuse now anyway.

The extra litter boxes I added around the house for Calv are working. He isn't peeing on everything currently and I'm glad about it. I mean, it sucks cleaning more than one litter box a day, but it sure beats cleaning piss off the floor all the time. Crazy cat.

I also got some extra boxes from work and make him a little "Cat cave". I like it more than he does and he has yet to actually sleep in it. He does enjoy chewing on the cardboard, though. So it's all good. ha

My life is sooo cool. Obviously.

Hormones can suck it.

I hate crying. I hate crying even more when I'm at the truck stop. I feel so awkward and lame when I cry and then add random truckers asking what dude they need to kill. I mean, it's sweet of them...I just don't like it.

For the most part I think I'm okay with my past and usually I am okay with it- then days like today happen and I get to relive it and then I freak out a little. Thank goodness Sof is so sweet and just listened to me cry via phone even though she has to wake up early for school.

Moral of the story: I'm going to start my period in the very near future and I'm hormonal, missing Sof, and overall crazy. Hopefully I'll be "normal" soon. :)

This post goes out to my only reader, whether it's by pity or not, Ashlee Adkins.

Hi!

You're great. You should update me on your life.

K, thanks.

Bye!

shoulda, woulda, didn't.

I had big plans for "fall break"- and the only noteworthy thing I did was when I got to see Sof. Other than that, besides work, I haven't really done much. I'm okay with it but it's a little depressing that today is my last day off from work and school. I guess that's life.

On a positive note, I bought not one, but two more litter boxes for my crazy ass cat. Hopefully he'll like them and start peeing in them instead of randomly around my house. That would be neat. He is being so crazy lately and it's making me a little crazy.

Well, it's almost 5am and I'm not at work ...and I'm not really sure why I'm awake. I am missing Sof like crazy and just wish she could be here. I know that's not realistic, but a girl can dream. Someday.

Goooooodnight, to anyone who actually reads this stupid blog. ha

puffy eyes

Every night/day/morning when I go to sleep I feel fine. When I wake up my eyes are glued shut and I have puffy eyes. Everyone says it's because I'm allergic to Calv but I've had him for a year and this has only been happening for a few weeks. So perhaps I am now magically allergic to my baby but I doubt it. And even if I am, I wouldn't put him outside anyway.

I've listened to the Perks of Being a Wallflower soundtrack on repeat for 2 days and I love it. So good.

I'm wearing some pants I bought while I was with Sof over the weekend. The look dorky, but I like them anyway. Same with my new shoes- probably not very fashionable, but I'm comfortable and it meets the "dress code" for work.

I got so much sleep before work. I don't even know what to think. I mean, I'm still tired, but I feel lots better tonight than I did last night. Plus, my mom made me dinner. Nom nom

I miss Sof like crazy- good thing she doesn't live too far away. But it still sucks.

April's ex-boyfriend had a baby and got married to someone who looks like could be his mom. I got pictures and I'm excited to show her in the morning. BAHAHA...I love seeing pictures of exes (mine and otherwise)-- most of them are pretty comical, to say the least. Boy are we lucky to be with the people we're with today, eh April? :)

I was gonna have a "craft" day tomorrow all day-- but instead I think I'll sleep. Sounds much better and I don't really have anything in particular I wanna craft anyway.

My blog is a shit show- and I don't care. Don't read it if you don't wanna.

K bye!

Grateful

I'm tired but I'm happy. And I'm grateful. For lots of stuff. 

• While I was visiting Sof, I got 3 or 4 new pairs of pants and got them all for veryyy good deals. I'm glad because the only two pairs of jeans I own now have holes in the crotch. So hot. 
• Sof got me some cute shoes (she doesn't like them)- and I love them. 
• I get to sleep today. All day. I hope. 
• Calv- he was so cuddly when I got home tonight before coming into work. I love it when we get to cuddle because he's not being hyper and crazy. 
• I get to live alone (no roomies) and I can walk around naked anytime I want. And I like that. A lot. Plus, I rarely have dishes because I don't use them these days. 
• While I was with Sof (even though I was kind of a bitch about it) we went to Petland and it was so cute. So many cute puppies and kittens. OMG. And they had a dog stroller that I want to get for Calv. 
• I can't get over how good The Perks of Being a Wallflower is- and how much I want to see it again. Thanks Sof for taking me to see it. Best date ever. 
• We ate In N Out. Yummmm. 
• We also ate at The Omlet House. I love that place. 
• Energy drinks. I know I say this all too often, but holy shit...I'd be dead without them. 
• No school on Monday or Tuesday. I am beyond grateful for this. 
• I get to go home in one hour. That's great news. 
• I'm grateful for my fam. They really are so great. 
• I'm grateful that Sof doesn't hate me for being awkward. I met her step-dad and his girlfriend. They were both very nice and even though I felt awk (like always).. I guess it wasn't so bad. Now to meet her dad and step-mom....my anxiety is building. haha
• Chapstick. I don't think I could live without it. Furreal. 
• My sibs. All so different, interesting and rad. 
• My professors. I feel like all of them (even the really boring one) really cares about what they do and about the students. Maybe they don't...but as long as I feel like they do- who cares?
• No snow yet. Best thing ever. 
• This was a weird grateful list..but whatever. 

The Perks of being a Wallflower

Last night I got to spend some time with my girlfriend and we went and saw The Perks of being a Wallflower. I was so excited to see it and I didn't know if it would live up to my expectations; it didn't...it exceeded them by a million times. I seriously loved every second. I cried my eyes out, laughed more than I should ever laugh in a public place and wanted it to keep going forever. Best movie I've ever seen, or at least in a realllllly long time.

Can't wait to buy it! :)

Oh, and my weekend has been lovely. I had Friday night off so I made good use of it. Now I'm back at work and ready to roll. I don't have school on Monday or Tuesday, so hopefully I can clean the shit outta my house and get ready for the next week.

Early morning ramblings

I didn't work last night and I woke up at 4:30am- after trying to sleep for the last 3 hours I decided that I might as well wake up and dye my hair. One less thing to do later today. One more night of work and then I get a mini-vacation. So stoked.

I need to get a professional photographer to photograph Calv. I mean really, who wouldn't want to take pictures of such an adorable little guy? ha

I got 100% on my math test. First time in my life. Hopefully I can pass the class and move on with life.  My math professor is pretty awesome and I'm glad that I randomly picked such a good one. Bad math teachers are the pits.

Joey has called me the past two mornings before I call him. Weird because for the last year and a half, I've called him nearly every morning. It's nice to have him call me first. I love that kid so much.

Last night I was thinking about all the cool people that I know and how lucky I am to have such great friends and family. Even though I'm a tired bitch almost all the time, they still love me and want to hang out with me. ha ha...and trust me, that's saying something. April made me get out of bed last night and I'm glad she did. With school full-time and working more than full-time usually, it's nice to have a break.

I don't have school on Monday or Tuesday coming up and I couldn't be more excited for some crafternoons. Seriously, so stoked. I have lots of ideas. I've started lots of the projects but had very little time to complete them. Hopefully I won't have too much homework so that I can actually work on the stuff I want to do!

My classes are all going really well. I hate my adolescent psychology class, which is a little surprising. I don't necessarily hate the content, but I hate the teaching method that the professor uses....AKA, he doesn't have one and he's sort of lame. He doesn't really have a passion for teaching.....or adolescent psychology and he makes that pretty obvious. My favorite class is social psychology- for both the content and the professor. He is brilliant- and his teaching method is one that I can relate to and not get bored...even in a 3 hour class!

I got some new shoes yesterday. My first non-flip flops of the year. And one of like 3 real pair of shoes that I own. I really love them, although I'm afraid that even though they aren't flip flops, they aren't really winter shoes. Damn. I hate shoes. Guess I need to go shopping this weekend since it's supposed to snow real soon.

Life is good- even at 27, being an undergrad and working at the truck stop. Could be worse. I'm still weighing all of my options in regard to grad school- where, when, what..you know, all that good stuff. Part of me wants try and find a decent job and just start paying down my student loans for a couple of years and the other part of me thinks that if I don't just go to grad school right now, I never will. I guess it's not the most important thing. Yes, I'd love to go to grad school and it would be a great experience but if I can do what I love without going I don't know why I would go...We'll see. I have a little while to figure that out.

Even though life is a little bit insane right now, I've never been happier. I just have to keep reminding myself that this is exactly what I want and where I need to be-- when I sit down and think about it, life really couldn't be better right now. 

I made the coolest thing today. I'll post it when I can (after it gets given to someone for their birthday). 

Now I get to math it up. Bye!

Lucky

I am pretty lucky.
I have a rad family, the coolest friends & the sweetest girlfriend.
I'm in school- learning about stuff I care about to get a job that will allow me to help others.
I currently have a job- and even though I'm not particularly fond of it, it pays my bills and it's been good to me. My boss is rad, my co-workers bake me food and bring it to me in the middle of the night, and when I'm sick the cover my shifts. They also give me all their hours- so I can have a bigger paycheck.
I have two of the worlds cutest cats, a car to drive, and my house is warm.
I have food in my cupboards and sometimes people doorbell ditch me and leave treats on my porch (who are you?).

I am currently a little obsessed with finding deals on Ebay. I should probably just deactivate my account, but I can't help it.
I feel like I should not be 27-- where did the last 10 years go?
I like decorating/crafting/painting etc. I might not be the best at it but I like it, so whatever.
Even though I spend 80% of my life at work and 10% at school- the other 10% has been quite fun lately. I love surprise visits from friends and especially my girlfriend.
Ice water, blue monster, and diet coke are what keeps me awake all hours of the night and into the day.
I'm usually pretty emo, especially when it's been 3 days since I have had any real sleep. I can be kind of a bitch, but I don't mean it.
Last night Britt brought me delicious pumpkin cookies and today April brought me dinner. My friends are seriously cool. And obviously very kind.


Sometimes I only see how "hard" my life is...or how much I would rather be sleeping. And then I remember all of this stuff and it makes it all worth it. Someday I'll have a real job and sleep at night...at least I hope.

I have a lot to look forward to right now-- but I'm also learning to enjoy the moment. Right now, life is pretty okay. And I'm happier than I have been in years.

zits

Okay, so I don't think I had acne as a teen-- and if I did it obviously didn't bother me since I don't remember. So then tell me why I have acne right now and I'm 27?

For real though. It's getting worse and worse. I can't really afford to go to the dermatologist and last time I went they didn't help anyway. How can I stop this nonsense and start looking like I'm an adult and not a 12-year-old-pre-pubescent teen? HELP!

doubles and homework

• I've been coming into work a few hours early most nights, making my 8.5 hour shift into 11 or 12 hour shifts. Somehow I seem to forget how miserable working for 12 hours and then going to school for 6 hours can be--and I repeat it. Some of it isn't by choice, obviously. I need a job and I actually need the extra hours. I just wish I had a sugar daddy. Or something cool like that. 
• I took my social psych exam on Tuesday and since we only meet once a week and the professor was sick one week (and we missed a chapter) I get to do a "take home exam" for extra credit. It's going to take my whole weekend, but at least I'll get paid to do it at work, I guess. 
• I have so many things I want to craft/decorate/make/color on- so today after my math test I got out all my crafting stuff with the high hopes of getting a few minutes of craft time in. After I got it all out- I didn't want to do it anymore and wrote my social theory paper instead. Smart move, since it's due in 6 hours. I miss the carefree days of crafting and cuddling with my Calv. 
• Speaking of Calv...everyday when I leave for work/school/anything I just hate to leave Calvie. He follows me around everywhere I go at home and I just feel bad for leaving him. I know he probably just sleeps, eats and poops the entire time I'm gone, but I sure hate leaving. It's nice to have someone love me/be obsessed with me like Calv is...ha
• It snowed. Tonight. Just barely at work. I have picture proof. Gross. I hate snow.
• "Fall break" at school is coming up and I couldn't be more ready. I think I'm going to take a snow day for myself tomorrow. I mean, probably not- but I want to so much. Just talking about it makes me so happy. I could use a good 12 hour nap before I come back to work tomorrow. 
• Just now a trucker came in and said he needed someone to jump his personal car (which was parked across the street--too far for me to leave and go over there)--he asked if he could take my truck. I had never seen the man in my life but decided that even if he stole it, I could probably get a new one. I gave him my keys and off he went. About ten minutes later I have my truck back and my gas tank went from empty to half. People are pretty cool.

So...besides the snow:

Life is good. Basketball starts this month, I get to see Sof, and I get a few days off from school. I think I'll live...

Happiness is...

• missing math 2 days in a row and still being able to catch on. 
• sleeping in and missing the most boring class of my life. 
• cuddling with Calv which he snores up a storm. 
• getting a random Friday off next week so I can see my gf! 
• working extra hours whilst getting paid to do math. hours and hours of math. 
• climbing into a clean bed, after a warm shower, after not sleeping for 36 hours. best.thing.ever.
• getting to talk to Joey every morning before he goes to school. 
• getting cute text messages. 
• cleaning the shit outta my house and then just being able to relax and enjoy it. 
• listening to music while getting ready. 
• freshly shaven legs, lotion, and sweats. 
• pedicures. too bad i'm too poor to get one! 
• talking to good friends who I haven't spoken to in a while. 
• better yet...running in to old friends and just catching up (usually at wal-mart or the truck stop)..livin' the dream. 
• sippin' on ice water, diet coke, or blue monster while cruising around
• studying my ass off for my social psych exam and feeling like i did well. guess we'll find out on Tuesday. here's to hoping!
• being busy--but still taking time for myself. 
• playing planet moolah at the sun coast. so old. 
• moving on from people (person) i didn't think i'd ever be able to get over. :]
• hoodies, hot chocolate, and good books. 
• no snow. not yet anyway!
• my family. immediate, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc. i really do have a wonderful family. 
• being sober and not having to have a drink in order to be happy...or function. that's neat. 

perfection

Today started out to be a shit show--you know, before the day even started when I was getting off of work at 7am. I could just feel that today wasn't going to be my day. Most Monday's aren't actually "my day". I'm usually so exhausted from the weekend and then working before school, that by the time I actually get to school I just want to cry. 

Today was different. 

As I got to the school an hour before my 9am class so I could continue to study for an important exam tomorrow, I just had this rush of happiness. I'm not sure why or what happened, but I just sat in the classroom by myself and enjoyed the moment. As I was sitting there I couldn't help but think about all the things that have happened over the course of the last 18 months; I couldn't be happier with how things are turning out. Life, although far from perfect, is pretty awesome right now.

Today I'm grateful for so much-- so I will just name a few from today/recently:

• I got the cutest video of Scout playing with her crazy cat lady birthday card I gave her. It makes really awful cat noises; she loves it...Tia does not. I love that kid. 
• Calv, even though I want to murder him sometimes when he pees everywhere, is so cuddly and cute today. He hasn't left my side since I've been home. Plus, he's not peeing anywhere right now and he isn't meowing his brains out to go outside. I really do love him so much.
• I got an 'A' on my latest social theory critical essay. I was surprised because I haven't been doing as well in that class as I would like--I got a 'B+' on my last paper (which I thought was one of my better papers)...so today when I saw the 'A', I was relieved and excited. I really do enjoy that class- it's just over my head sometimes. 
• I cleaned the shit out of my kitchen. I'm talking get-down-on-my-hands-and-feet, scrub the shit out of it, clean. With the cats, it's hard to keep anything clean for long--so I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts! Now if only I had the motivation to clean the rest of my house. 
• I'm burning incense, listening to music and getting ready to study for my exam and perhaps write my social theory essay. I love it when I get to do my homework at my house, rather than at work....although, it is pretty nice to get paid to do homework!
• The weather is literally perfect. I love fall. Sometimes I forget how much I love it because I dread winter so much. But if it could stay fall all year round, I'd be a happy camper!
• Took (another) family picture yesterday. Joey is obviously the highlight of our family, as he laid across our laps. What a funny dude. I love that kid so much. I'm so grateful that I get to talk to him every morning before he goes off to school.
• So grateful for my family. I don't see them as often as I'd like, but I sure do love them. Same goes for my friends. I feel like I don't see the people I love very often, but they all mean so much to me. I'm also grateful for a really wonderful, supportive girlfriend. I really couldn't ask for better people in my life. 

So, even the days that start out shitty can turn out to be pretty great. I just need to remember that even though I'm always tired, usually bitchy, and never have enough time, that this will all be worth it. I know that but sometimes it doesn't feel like it. So thanks to everyone who puts up with me even when I'm a hot mess (more often than not). 

Worn out from the weekend

Aren't weekends suppose to be relaxing? Sheesh. I feel like I can never catch a break long enough to sleep for 7 hours in a row. Oh well, at least it was a fun weekend.

• got to go on a baby road trip to see my gf- it was so nice to just spend a little (very little) time with her. 
• Scout's birthday party was fabulous. it was fun to see her having so much fun. plus she made out with like 10 Lalaloopsy (?) dolls, a bike, roller skates, and lots of socks. ;) That kid is seriously adorable and I'm happy I got to help celebrate her 4th birthday. 
• got to spend a little time with my bestie before the b-day party. 
• took a family pic (another one) on grandma's couch. 
• slept for 3 hours and now i'm at work

Monday's are my "bitch" days. I seriously get so tired that I just want to cry--and usually do cry. And then I'm an overly emotional bitch and go to bed at 3pm- resulting in waking up at 1am--which makes for an extra long Tuesday. It's a never ending cycle of bitch and it just so happens that Monday's are my breaking point. If only school didn't exist on this day...If only. 

24 hours

One of my most favorite things to do is drive-- and naturally, I love going on road trips. Lately, though, it seems my road trips are much shorter than I would like but still make for a very enjoyable time. On Friday evening I drove to my girlfriends house- hung out for 16 hours and came home. It was one of the best days I have ever had. We didn't do anything spectacular- just hung out. 

I got to see her house, which I fell in love with. Everything about it was so perfect and charming. And beautiful. I seriously want it. Bad. I took pictures, but they don't do it justice. I just walked around and looked at everything because I just couldn't even handle how amazing it was. I can't wait to go back. 

Since I got there late and she was working late, we just went for a drive and listened to music. She showed me some of her favorite places and we just talked and laughed. It was simple and amazing. 

The next morning we went to breakfast at a cute little diner. It was eccentric and delish. I had a BLT and potato spuds (heavenly). After that we went on another drive and she showed me the bars her step-dad owns. Seriously, why didn't I know of any cool bars when I was drinking?! I got ripped off. Oh well, at least I remember these bars and could actually drive away from them. 

That afternoon Sof had to go back to work and I needed to come home (because my baby Calv needs me). It was a short, fun, simple trip and I'm so glad I got to go. I usually don't get Friday nights off work and for some random reason, I had it off--so glad I got to go see Sof's house and just get out of Cedar for a minute. 

Tomorrow is party time! Scout is turning 4 in a couple of days and tomorrow we're celebrating at the park! Plus, my baby sis is in town. Now if only work would hurry and be over. :) 

Rusty Brains

School is essentially kicking my ass. I feel like I've studied more this semester than I have in my entire life/put more work into school than ever before and it seems like I'm not doing as well as I have in the past, with minimal effort.

The last semester I actually attended school was Spring 2010- and I did very well. Besides that, I was drinking in my car before class, had a water bottle of vodka with me in class and spent most weekends in Mesquite and Vegas partying. I didn't exactly have a lot of time dedicated to studying- although somehow I managed to complete my homework, finished a major research project and got all A's and a B.

Now I'm sober, dedicating most of my free time to studying and feel like I'm doing worse than before. How is this even possible? Not sure, but it's buggin'.

I enjoy all of my classes, aside from Adolescent Development...and that's because the professor is a little off his rocker, to say the least. My social theory class and social psychology are the most challenging for me and have required a lot of my time-- and yet I still feel like I could spend every hour of every day studying and it wouldn't be enough time to grasp everything I need to learn.

How do people do this in real life?