One Year Sober!

Today marks one year sober for me. I'm a little overwhelmed, a lot grateful, and slightly mystified. How did this happen? Has it really been a whole year since I've been back in Utah?

Today was a great day! I got my one year chip at AA and had so many people there to support me; it was awesome! I had my parents, Anne, Joey, Tannie, Britt, Jordan, Tia, Tyler, Scout, Taunya, and my roomie. I was so grateful to have them all there and for everyone else who was there as well.

Life is goooooood!

grateful

• I'm grateful that I don't work tonight. I'm a tired girl.
• I'm grateful that I got to cuddle with Calv all day.
• I'm grateful for all the wonderful people in my life.
• I'm grateful that my house has a washer and dryer. 
• I'm grateful for love.
• I'm grateful that it was "WOW Wednesday"....52 cent drinks are awesome!
• I'm grateful for open-minded people. 
• I'm grateful that the room is booked for our mini vacation. We're all set!

Today was a simple, yet really nice day. I'm going to watch Girl With a Dragon Tattoo while I fall asleep...unless it's so good that I can't fall asleep...I'll be fine either way. 

Peace out!

things...just things.

Happy things about today:

• when I leave work, my day off begins.
• i got to see Joey today. 
• Calv and I cuddled/slept during my break from work. 
• i got to spend time with Ape.
• got my laundry finished. well, it's still drying...putting it away is my least favorite part of laundry. gag.
• i got to admire my coffee table. i haven't actually used it yet...maybe later today.  
• the weather has been amazing! i just wanna play and play and play, but then i remember i have to work all night and opt to sleep instead. bummmmer. oh well, it's not like working during the day would solve that problem anyway. 

Things that bugged today:

• my (downstairs) neighbors cranked the heater this morning. so i turned it off. it's 85 degrees outside, heaters inside are very unnecessary. when i woke up, the heat was blaring again. what's the dealio?
• i'm working another 12 hour shift. they really aren't bad, except that i didn't sleep well so now i'm really tired and it's only 2:30am. 
• i noticed how awful my toenails look and didn't do anything about it. maybe tomorrow. 
• i didn't get to go to a BBQ because i had to sleep before work. i also missed a meeting. i'm blowin' it. 
• i didn't spend as much time as i would have liked outside today. i'm hoping tomorrow i'll get some sun!

happy/grateful list

• I got 7 hours of sleep. In a row! Heavenly. 
• Friday night I went to my parents house to see Joey. We decided to go for a drive and hang out...and on the drive, we decided to go bowling! Best decision we ever made. It was just what I needed: some Joey time and getting my ass kicked in bowling...twice! It was a great night. I love that kid so much. 
• The construction at work is getting less awkward/annoying. Almost done...I hope!
• Calv is getting cuter every day, I swear. 
• My new coffee table. 
• I just cleaned out my truck. Detailed the shit out of it in about 7 minutes. I don't understand people who can spend HOURS doing that....gag. If it's clean, it's clean...get a hobby! ha ha
• I had the best grilled cheese for dinner. 
• I read two books this week and I'm about to start a third. 
• High Fidelity by Nick Hornby
• How To Be Good by Nick Hornby
• and I'm gonna start reading A Long Way Down ...also by Nick Hornby
• Thanks to Britt for loaning me all of the books mentioned above.
• Mini-vacation coming up in May! Can't wait. 
• My parents and Joey came to my house today. It was nice to see them. 
• Worked extra hours this week....I'm going to go to school in the fall if it kills me. 
• I will (I hope) get plenty of sleep tomorrow before work. 
• Got some laundry done. I love clean laundry. 
• My slightly annoying neighbors informed me they were moving at the end of the month. I tried to act a little sad...but, I'm totally grateful. They're nice and all....it's just their kids and their surround sound that I can't stand! 
• Today was so nice! In fact, it was maybe even HOT! I can't wait for summer! yay!
• Weekend grave shifts=less crazy truckers and usually no boss around. I can handle this. ;) 

what I did today:

I've been looking for a coffee table for a while now. I have searched the DI endlessly for months to no avail. Yesterday, I found it. April helped me get it home and then I got to work.

BEFORE

I painted the table gray, the wicker underneath got painted orange, and I modge podged  under the glass since it was scratched. I love it!

AFTER

AFTER

Coffee Table: $15.00
Spray Paint: $10.00
Modge Podge: $4.00
How happy I am: Priceless

lovely days

Things I love/loved about today:

• hanging out with grams today. she's a funny, beautiful gal. i love that i get to have a relationship with her. 
• i got to cuddle with sweet Calv and read all morning. i woke up at 5am (no idea why) and decided to read; it was blissful. 
• sweet Taunya sent me a pizza at work. she's the most thoughtful person i know. i love her guts.
• my boss wasn't an ass today. we actually had a pretty good time. and now he's home and i'm working...so it's a win-win. ;)
• the first 8 hours of my shift have flown by...thank goodness. now it's slowing down and i can enjoy my evening by blogging and reading. yay.
• i got to see April for a minute at lunch. sometimes i feel like i don't make enough time to see friends. hopefully this summer i can get a fair amount of playing in before school starts...we'll see!
• joey and i started making plans for his birthday. i get to take work off and spend the day with him. it's going to be a great day and i'm so grateful that i get to spend it with him. he's the coolest dude i know.
• that i only have 4 more hours of work until i get to go home and sleep!
• had a really rude trucker get pissy with me and then came back to apologize. how sweet, right? i really was surprised...and i liked it. 
• it was beautiful outside. i had the windows and doors open all day before work and even when i got to work. i love that it's getting warm outside. 

I hope today was as lovely for you as it was for me. Peace out!

i'm back

I'm back. I was planning to start a new blog but the thought of doing that made me sick. I have a lot of things on this blog that I love and I didn't want to just forget about it; I'm also lazy. I don't remember the last time I posted; my journal got a lot of TLC in my "blog break", which I'm grateful for. I like to journal but it takes more work than posting a blog. So here I am.

Life is good. Great, actually.

I get to do so many fun things with so many amazing people. I really couldn't ask for anything more. Sometimes I get frustrated that my life seems to be at a stand-still. Then I just look back over the last year and I get to see that, in fact, everything I wanted a year ago has happened plus some!

On Sunday I got to take Joey to a Horizon House Alumni picnic in St. George. I am so lucky to have him in my life; we had a great time hanging out. Plus, he thinks he met a quarterback who is "better than Tebow"...needless to say, Joey loved it. I can't believe he's going to be 19 in a few days! I'm grateful that I'll get to spend his special day with him this year.

Easter this year was a success. It was simple and fun. I got to spend time with the people I love and I worked. Beats the hell out of waking up in jail, still drunk and unsure of why I was there...I'm sure my dad was grateful, too. ha

Last night Enna and I went to Little Women put on by SUU. It wasn't great but it was fun to get out and do something different. I used to love that movie and the book so maybe my expectations were a little warped. The orchestra did a great job..I was a little worried because before the play started they sounded less-than-good, but they were great.

I'm planning a trip to Las Vegas with my bestie. We're gonna sip Cola by the pool and soak up some rays. It'll be strange being in Vegas but I think it'll be a much needed vacation. I'm excited!

I don't really have much to say except that I'm grateful for all the wonderful people in my life. I could list them all but they know who they are. Time is flying! It's almost been a year since I've been back in Utah.

Until next time, peace out.

New Blog

So, I think the time has come that I will no longer be posting on this blog. I like blogging and I will continue elsewhere. This blog has been with me for a while now and it has some happy memories; I just think it's time for a fresh start.

If you want my new blog address you can leave a comment or get contact me however you like.

no good, rotten, piece of shit day...

Yesterday can kiss my ass.

I went to bed miserable and woke up still clinging on to any part of it I could. I wanted to have a horrible day today. I tried so hard.

And then I decided to get out of bed and shower around 1pm. Best decision I've made in a long time. I met up with my sponsor and talked with her for a bit. Good thing she's the most kind and understanding person out there because I have been a bitch lately. After meeting with her, I still felt a little bit blah-ish but I got to hang out with Joey and of course he just makes everything else seem so silly. He's the best brother a girl could ask for and I'm lucky to have him in my life.

As we were driving home from dinner Joey started laughing uncontrollably and said, "oops, I farted". Although I was quite disgusted, I couldn't help but laugh because he thought it was so funny. I love that kid so much.

Oh, and what's with everyone thinking I need to date? Am I that un-awesome that I shouldn't be without someone else? Dating is cool and all, but I donno why it's been such a hot topic lately....Maybe people really are worried that I'm becoming an old hermit-cat-lady....

Today I'm grateful:

• my catz ;)
• Joey D. 
• that I get to go watch Joey play basketball tonight
• for a day off work....
• my sponsor for putting up with my awkwardness and being so loving. and everything else. she's just amazing.
• that even though i didn't get to go running, i got to shovel. that's a pretty okay workout, right?
• that i got to hang out with Joey Bear today.
• HeyTell....i need a smart phone.
• my group didn't kill me last night. i was a rancid bitch. i guess i get to make amends next week. 
• that i get to decide how i act....sometimes i just choose the wrong way...ha ha
• to be sober! 
• for friends who care about me and want what's best for me.
• for my family
• loveeeeee. maybe i do need to date. shit man....
• i have a car to drive, food to eat, and a warm house to sleep in all day. 

Here's to having a good attitude tomorrow and making it a great day! Peace and love...

My Life Soundtrack: Updated

Do you have a life soundtrack? I do. I've had it for a few years and every so often, I love a song enough to add it to the playlist. Today I finally deleted a few songs that I feel no longer have a place in my life and added some, too. Although there is no particular order at this time, I think that maybe someday I'll put them in an order that goes along with my life...for now, here they are:

• Nobody Knows Me At All by The Weepies:

This could be my life song all by itself, so naturally it's on my life soundtrack. I love this song and have played it millions of times, I'm sure. "I don't give a damn, I'm happy as a clam".

• Mint Car by The Cure:

There are no words for how happy this song makes me feel. I hear it and can't help but smile. I have so many good memories connected with this song and so many wonderful people that it makes me think of when I hear it playing. This will be a lifer on my list, I'm sure. Once upon a time I wanted it to be my wedding song...I wasn't even dating anyone. Now I just want it to be my life theme song! Screw weddings. ha 

• She Will Be Loved by Maroon 5:

I have the acoustic version on my life soundtrack. I'm not sure why, but since the first time I heard this song I just fell in love. I almost took it off my list, but decided that I could keep it for now. Maybe someday I'll take it off, but for now it'll stay. 

• There She Goes by Sixpence None the Richer

I have no clue why I love this song. Well, I do...It just makes me happy. I like having a crush; this song reminds me of such...

• Such Great Heights by The Postal Service

I just love it. Reminds me of happy times and good people. 

• Someday You Will Be Loved by Death  Cab for Cutie

Whenever I break up with someone, I put this song on replay. For weeks. I figure that since I seem to break up an awful lot, this should be part of my soundtrack. It's a really good song, too. 

• You Wouldn't Like Me by Tegan and Sara

Sometimes I don't like myself. Sometimes I just love Teg and Sar. 

• Hysteric by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs

I love everything about this song. I could listen to this song on repeat for months...oh wait, I have. 

• Brighter Than Sunshine by Auqalung 

This is from one of my all-time favorite movies, A Lot Like Love. Don't judge, it's a good movie and I love this song. I guess it gives me hope that someday I'll fall in love. Maybe? 

• Bad Poetry by Ben Lee

I used to sing this to Jordan and since she's kind of a big part of who I am today, I figured it should be on my list. I don't know how long or for what reasons it will stay, but for now, I just really love it. It reminds me of when we were happy together and in love. 

• Alligator by Tegan and Sara

<3 Story of my life. 

• Gamble Everything For Love by Ben Lee

Because I do? I donno, I just love this song. 

• The Believer by Neil Young

I dedicate this to myself sometimes when I'm feeling like a depressed little betch. It works, so I keep it. : ) I could listen to this all day. 

i like to tweet

I've had Twitter for a long time...but only recently have I become an avid "tweeter". I love it. I love re-tweeting the most. People say some really amazing things. Instead of continuing to blow up my twitter, I'll post some of my favorites of today on here so that I can laugh at them later when I'm bored or depressed.

But first, I just gotta say it. I think I might finally be over the basketball scene for a minute. I mean, I'm pretty sure that SUU girls lost by 30 points tonight and it's just getting to be a little too depressing for me. The only good part of the game tonight was the dude that got kicked out because he was yelling at the ref. I cheered for the dude because the ref was a total dick.

Lets be real, I'm sure I'll be ready for more b-ball in the morning when I wake up refreshed...but until then, I'm over it. Maybe I'll focus on the Jazz now......ha ha.

I guess I already re-tweeted all the cool tweets for tonight...but maybe someday I'll post some on here...

Today I'm grateful:

• that I got to hang out with Enna and Ape at the b-ball game. i got a little crazy and i'm grateful they didn't disown me..
• that Calv is cuddled up next to me. he's the best kitty in the world.
• that i got plenty of sleep today. ah yes, love days off work. 
• that i went running! feels amazing!
• for lettuce wraps and carrots. nom nom nom..
• i have a diet coke w/ vanilla next to me. heavenly...
• that the fridge and stove work...the lights and one side of the kitchen outlets are currently MIA. 
• to have indoor plumbing. furreal, it's way too cold to go outside to take a dump....
• that i woke my ass up in time to clean the house a little bit. pretty sure i swept up like 2 pound of cat litter....gag.
• for loveeeeee
• that i am meeting new friends
• that i can wear socks with my new sandals. don't judge me. 

HaPpy Tuesday. 

you kiss my smile, i'll pull you closer...just gettin' to know ya.

So, I have this friend named Jack. He happens to be my iPod; he holds 80 gigs and he's pretty much the coolest dude (thing) ever. He currently holds 5000 songs, a few pictures that I no longer care to look at, and a few games that I don't know how to play. You see, Jack used to be in a relationship with Limewire. They were the best of friends, always sharing. And then one day a law was passed; Jack and Limewire could no longer be together. Jack has been a lonely sucker for a while now...

Well, luckily for Jack, I set him up with iTunes and so far, it's love at first sight. Jack is getting lots of TLC. The only downside is that dating is so expensive these days. It has been far too long since Jack (or I) had been on a date and now it's all coming back. Not sure how we'll afford to keep up this relationship, but we'll do our best. For now, Jack and iTunes are going strong...and I don't foresee a break-up anytime in the near future..

So, here's the top ten songs from....well, yesterday [in no particular order]  <3

• Toms Diner by Suzanne Vega & D.N.A.
• Loving You Tonight by Andrew Allen
• Paradise (acoustic version) by Tyler Ward
• Missed the Boat by Modest Mouse
• Lake Michigan by Rogue Wave
• Ships in the Night by Mat Kearney 
• We Are Young (feat. Janelle Monae) by Fun. 
• Say You Like Me by We Are Kings
• Little Talks by Of Monsters and Men
• Blood by The Middle East

He'll be getting a photo update soon. I have lots of awesomeness for him. Maybe I'll post some of them here, too. For now, Jack and I are both happy. Especially me. New music = heaven. 

Thanks to iTunes for making us both feel like new people. Oh and I'll keep downloading the "Free song of the week" each week...even if I hate it. 

9 months sober and other things of interest (or maybe not...)

I can't believe that today I have not had a drink in 9 months! 9 months! Holy cow... In the last nine months I've learned a lot, done a lot, and wanted to drink a lot (on occasion). It hasn't been all rainbows, but it's been pleasant for the most part. I didn't die like I once thought I would if I couldn't drink.

In the last nine months I:

• met some of the most wonderful people on earth, i swear. 
• lived with 8 other girls and sometimes didn't leave the house for days at a time. oh rehab, how i miss you. ha ha 
• got to help put on a wonderful thanksgiving dinner for people who didn't have anywhere to go. <3
• got a sweet house and an awesome roomie.
• met the only cat in the world that i love. Calvie rocks my world. 
• learned about scooping litter boxes first hand...a little too many times, but it's all good. 
• missed people everyday. 
• learned that i don't get to control everything...but dammit, i still try. 
• cried a lot. 
• laughed more than i thought was possible sober...or at all. 
• learned that i should never date anyone. ever again. but i probably will. ha 
• cuddled with my cat instead of going to parties....sober or otherwise. i just don't like to party anymore. period. 
• hung out with my grandparents more than i have in my entire life and it's the coolest thing ever. 
• was single. And oddly okay with it. I haven't even touched anyone. At all. Ever. 
• went to more basketball games than i had in the previous 6 years or more. best thing ever. 
• helped with sub4santa and loved it. one of the coolest things i've ever done. 
• have been a hermit. and i love it. 
• have not had an energy drink. not one single one. and it's a good thing or i'd be even more broke than i already am. 
• had a few nervous breakdowns, driven to the liquor store and then pulled my head outta my ass and didn't drink. don't judge me. ha
• went to Texas! 
• probably did more stuff, but you get the idea. 

Side note: After the last relationship that I was in, I decided that I would never date again. Up until recently it hasn't even crossed my mind or been an issue. At all. 

And then I met this awesome girl. 

Don't worry, it was over before it even started because I just don't date; I don't want to date. I don't know if I'll ever be "ready" to date anyone ever again, but right now I'm pretty sure that it would just be a shit show. Maybe I just like being a hermit. Or maybe I don't know how to date and be sober at the same time. Who knows? All I know is that I should get a medal or something for being the most awkward person on the planet. Go me! 

So, here's to another (insert any amount of time you want) of singledom! Bring it on. :]

People are amazing and cancer can kiss my ass!

On Wednesday I was invited to go to the CHS vs. Canyon View basketball game with April and the Harwood family. Bo Harwood has cancer and they were giving him an award at halftime. Bo is seriously amazing and I have been very impressed by his optimism during all of this. I was thinking they were going to give him like 500 dollars or something...but when they gave him 4000 dollars I started crying. That is the coolest thing ever! His medical expenses will be 10000x that, but seriously, he got diagnosed almost one month ago and they have already given him close to 5000 dollars total. People are really amazing and good. I was touched.

They also gave another lady 4000 dollars. Her story broke my heart. She was diagnosed with breast cancer while she was pregnant with her 2nd child. They started doing chemo and the baby was born. He's now happy and healthy; she found out she has brain and liver cancer to add to the list. They have given her 3-6 months to live. :( I couldn't help but just feel so sorry for her. I feel so sad for her little babies and her husband. I can't imagine...It almost made it even harder to see how happy she and her family were....like, wouldn't it be better if they hated each other and she was miserable right now? That kind of strength amazes me and I hope to have even a tiny bit of it someday...

After seeing two people who could (and by all rights should) be miserable, depressed, angry people who were actually two of the most optimistic and happy people I've ever seen, I was sincerely grateful for my health. I can't imagine going through chemo, losing my hair (vain, i know), being sick constantly, and knowing that I was on my death bed. I would, I think, be a miserable piece of shit if I were in that position.

Oh, and on top of all that, I just found out about this: Fight Like a Girl

It's a benefit concert for 4 young girls who live in Cedar City that have cancer. OMG, talk about heartbreaking. If you're in Cedar, you should come out and support this wonderful event. I love how generous people are and how much they are willing to do for others. Everyday I'm amazed at how good people genuinely are...

I love people. Cancer, not so much. 

Life is so good!

Holy smokes. Life is so good right now. I have so many things going for me; I'm very blessed and very grateful.

• I'm grateful that I have spent the week taking time for myself and that I was actually able to do so. Much needed. Back to reality. Kind of. ;) 
• I'm grateful for new friends. : ) Funny how life works...
• I'm grateful for Joey Bear and Enna. Best sibs ever. 
• I'm grateful for old friends. 
• I'm grateful for basketball. 
• I'm grateful that I get to hang out with my grandparents. This week I celebrated one of my grandpa's friends 94th birthday. Holy shit, that's old! It was such a fun party and I loved it! 
• I'm grateful for new beginnings and a fresh start! 
• I'm grateful for patience. Especially when it's other people who have it. ;)
• I'm grateful for my kitty. 
• I'm grateful to be alive and healthy. 

the week of pure basketball

I think I've died and gone to heaven. Seriously. 


Monday night I went to the SUU Women's basketball game. 
Tuesday I went to the Cedar High Girls basketball games. 
Today I'm going to the CHS vs. Canyon View game (and ditching group to do it...and I don't even feel bad about it)
Thursday there's an SUU game. 
Friday Cedar High Boys basketball games.
Saturday SUU Men's and Women's basketball. 


I'm busy this week, obviously. 

So, it's been a long while since I posted about this...

Recently I've seen many, many blogs about couples wanting to adopt and that makes me very, very happy. I think it's great when couples want/get to adopt because there are so many kids out there waiting to be adopted. Adoptuskids.org is kind of like petfinder.com, as in it displays children by pictures and if you like it, you can click on it to find out more about it. I get why they do it, but it's still a little bit sad that the kids appearances determines whether or not he or she gets adopted.

It goes both way, though. As I was searching on the LDS adoption page I came across the profiles of couples hoping to adopt and the birth moms get to choose a family based on their picture and a brief message about themselves. In the search criteria it has an option to view the "top ten profiles who have been waiting the longest to adopt". I clicked on it; they were, in general, older, slightly awkward, and not hip. I would post pictures, but that could possibly be considered rude. What 19 year old little girl is going to choose them to be the parents of her baby? Probably none. Sad? Yes. True? Yes.

So I don't really know where I'm going with this except to say, isn't it sad that our society is so based on outward appearances? What if those old-not-so-hip couples are really awesome and could offer a kid a life full of happiness and love? What if the really hip-model-everything-looks-perfect couples aren't as cool as they look? I mean, it could go both ways for either couple, really...

If it were me, I'd want to know about the couple and have them chosen before I ever saw any pictures. I wouldn't want to give my child to someone because I liked the way they dressed or because they had pretty smiles; it'd be too hard for me to be objective if I had pictures.

Maybe our society is based on appearances and maybe that works for some people. I don't agree with it, but that doesn't really matter.

Back to the point, if you're looking to adopt a kid...go to www.adoptuskids.org and do a search. There are thousands upon thousands of cute little kids who need homes. Do it....I dare ya!

happie, happie, hippie

I had a super weekend! I fit in two basketball games, dinner with the sibs, Sunday dinner with my family (I'm usually too busy sleeping to make it), watched Crazy, Stupid, Love, went running (again), snuggled with my kitty, and went to dinner with some friends. All in all, it was  fun-filled weekend, for sure.

Today I'm grateful for:

• water- especially Crystal Light flavored water. yumm
• Joey- love his guts

• 

  we took this pic before Sunday din on Joey's new iPad

• my parents
• my sibs
• running- i seriously forgot how much i love it once i start doing it. getting out the door is the hardest part. i feel so great after a good run. mmmmm.
• new music <3
• netflix- i caved and got it again. i like watching movies at work...so there!
• Calvie....he's such a sweet little guy. i bought him some dog bones to chew on and it's the cutest thing ever to watch him try. 
• new beginnings---everyday. 
• loveeeeeeee

grateful

Today I'm grateful for my family and friends.

I'm grateful for my kitty(ies). I would be so sad without Calvie.

I'm so grateful for a place to live and food to eat.

I'm very grateful that I have good health.

I'm grateful to have a job.

I'm grateful that I have a car to drive.

I'm grateful for the time I get to spend with my grandparents.

I'm grateful for Horizon House and all the staff.

I'm grateful for love.

I'm grateful for my sponsor and the inspirational texts I get every morning from her.

I'm grateful for music.

I'm grateful to live in Cedar. As much as I say I wanna leave (which I really do), I love living here, too. It's beautiful and I have lots of wonderful friends an family here.

I'm grateful that I'm not in school this semester. I think I'd be out-of-my-mind-crazy....or more than I am already, anyway. That'd be freaky.

I'm grateful that I have two basketball games to attend tomorrow.

I'm grateful for the wonderful, warm weather we've had lately!! Although, I did get a lecture from a 4th grader about how we're going to go into a water shortage and then our water bills will be super high....good thing I don't pay for water! Thanks landlords!

I'm grateful for a new day!

this week in review:

• basketball games! 
• clipped calv's nails (they still hurt, but not as badly)
• took care of a young child and played more nintendo in a matter of 2 days than in my entire life...or close to it! 
• got to see britt's cute apartment!! and her cute puppy! And her! it's been way too long!
• went to dinner with friends
• hung out with my bestie---while we co-parented. 
• cleaned out more litter boxes than i would have liked...
• snuggled with my baby calv <3
• did laundry every day. i thought i did laundry a lot with just me...add a kid to it and it's just insane! 
• got my jewelry organized....well, started anyway....
• cried a lot. 
• laughed a lot. 
• had a "parent" teacher conference with a principal....
• tucked a cute little guy into bed every night and kissed his stuffed animals goodnight. :) 
• read lots of fun books meant for 4th graders 
• went to the library
• got into a few bitch fights.....
• went to st. george (x2)
• got pulled over for not blinking for 3 seconds before i turned?? 
• hung out with WW2 vets @ lins....
• ate lots of frozen pizza and frozen yogurt. 
• bought new running shoes
• went RUNNING!!! (for the first time in....at least 2 years, i swear...) and wow....better keep doing that because it felt wonderful! 
• took a day off work, finally. 
• took calv on a "day" adventure to a new house.....he was fine but the other cat freaked. cat wars=not fun
• didn't have time to miss you; it was really nice...i'm gonna have to try that again next week. furreal. 
• saw my sister for the first time in ....a while. <3 
• pedicure 
• fell in love all over again with Ray Jones Jr.....ha ha

So glad this week is (almost) over! Crazy amounts of stress + very little sleep + hurting heart= Crazy Jill. Totally ready for whatever the next week has got in store! Bring it on!! 

we're alive!

• The kid, the cat, and I are still alive and kicking. It's been an intense week, for sure. Today we kinda took the day off from life and had a "fun" day- no school, just fun. I'm glad we did; I think it was much needed. 
• April is a lifesaver. Seriously though...Thanks Ape. You're a great co-parent. Sorry I'm a slacker of a mom! 
• "D" is so smart! I love hanging out with a 4th grader who is so interested in learning new things all the time. It makes me think about things in a new way...pretty cool. 
• I got to cuddle with my baby Calv this morning. I miss his little guts. Can't wait to snuggle with him tomorrow. 
• "D" played by himself so I could get some rest this morning after work. He's really a great kid. 
• I have a warm place to sleep, a cute cat (not Calv) to cuddle with, and food to eat. 

Life is crazy, wonderful, and full of surprises! 

to all the single parents out there...

Dear Single parents,

I have no idea how you do what you do. I mean, seriously, I can barely take care of myself while working full-time. As a single parent you (probably) work AND take care of your kid/children. I can't imagine working full-time and coming home and doing homework with my kid for hours on end. And then on top of that, you get to cook, clean, do laundry and go grocery shopping. I'm on a very small trial run of being a single parent this week and holy cow...I never realized how much work it is to take care of a kid; this is a pretty self-sufficient little guy, too. If it were a toddler, I'm sure it would add on loads of work. Plus, I have a "co-parent" who is helping watch my pretend child on the nights that I work. I'm not even kind of doing it by myself and it's still way more work than I'm used to doing!

I definitely have a new appreciation for single parents who get to do this all the time. You guys are tough cookies and deserve some sort of medal or award! Maybe someday I'll come up with something for that, but for now...keep it up! Any tips on how to get a kid to do homework and all that jazz would be greatly appreciated. ;)

Sincerely,
Me


P.S. I'm also looking for food options other than frozen pizza and frozen yogurt for every meal.....I'm a bad mom. Don't judge.

I hate that I'm awake right now. I wanna be in my bed.

I hate that the homeless shelter is lame and doesn't actually help homeless people.

I hate cancer.

I hate that people get hurt and sick.

I hate that people suffer due to other people and their lack of common sense or goodwill.

I hate that in order to have to best care you have to have money. And lots of it. Kid shouldn't suffer regardless of how much money their parents do or don't have. Period.

I hate that people die.

I hate that someday I'll die.

I hate that I don't want to sleep during the day because it's been so nice outside...so now I just don't sleep.

I hate politics. In every sense of the word.

With that, I'll be done. Farewell.

Saturday is my Wednesday...

Only two more days of work and then I get a day off...so pumped. This week was fine...actually, it was pretty great. I got enough sleep most days and I don't think I even cried once. Next week might be slightly crazy, but what would life be if it wasn't crazy sometimes?

• Today I'm going to sleep for 8 hours/cuddle with Calvin.
• Today I'm going to clean the litter box out, again. Seriously, I'm done cleaning that shit hole out...but I love Calv, so whateve. 
• Today I'm going to read White Teeth by Zadie Smith
• Today I'm going to make something for dinner. Something fancy. 
• Today I'm going to do laundry. 
• Today I'm going to drink a gallon of water. 
• Today I'm going to go visit my grandparents. 
• Today I'm going to make a sched of my next week so that I can stop stressing about it. 
• Today I'm going to have a pajama day...pretty much like every other day of my life. ha
• Today I'm going to listen to good music whilst I clean (maybe minus the cleaning part)...

I have the coolest sibs on earth, right? 

today

• Today I got to cuddle with Calvin all morning. 
• Today I didn't get quite as much sleep as I needed/wanted. 
• Today I went to the SUU gymnastics meet with Ape and Don. They lost. Not my cup of tea, but I'm glad we went. 
• Today I got pulled over for not using my blinker for the whole 3 second before I turned...is that even legit? No ticket, though. 
• Today is Friday the 13th--nothing spooky happened to me, ugh. 
• Today Trent, Britt, and Rach came and said hello to me at work.
• Today the CCPD are very bored MoFo's. Watch out. Seriously...
• Today Ali and Shandi came and chilled at the truck stop with me. 
• Today I listened to goooood music on pandora. 
• Today I got to hug Joey. 
• Today I got a really sweet text from someone that I really love. 
• Today I didn't get drunk. 
• Today was not too cold, not too hot...perfect weather outside. 
• Today a trucker called me "hottie" and a almost vomited on him. 
• Today I had good intentions to clean, but chose to cuddle with Calv instead. I'm pleased with my choice....the cleaning can wait but cuddling with Calv is way more important to me. He has pink eye or something and he's been really cuddly--I don't want to pass it up. 
• Today I ate a Whopper. Damn, it was good. 
• Today I only drank one Diet Coke....weird. 
• Today I shaved my legs, finally. 
• Today I'm happy. :)

I'm grateful:

-that i didn't get a ticket

-that i got to hang out with good friends

-for Calvin.

-for my family

-that i have a job

homework with a 4th grader...

Today I had the opportunity to hang out with a 4th grader. I was pumped to hang out; I picked him up from school, took him to Krave and got some yummy frozen yogurt and then headed home to do homework. I didn't know what I was getting myself into...after an hour and 30 math problems later, I discovered that 1. Math sucks 2. 4th graders are smarter than me 3. I need to go back to school. Seriously, good thing this kid was super smart because I definitely could not help him with his math.

My favorite part of today was when we were getting yogurt and he saw the yogurt cup (there is only one size) and said, "they make these big so you have to fill it up and pay more...". Yes, yes indeed. Although you don't have to fill it up all the way, what fun would it be to get a 1/2 empty cup of yogurt?

Today I'm grateful:

• for amazing people who are good examples to me.
• that i got to hang out at horizon house and help make some resumes. good times...
• that someone actually trusts me to babysit their kid. that's pretty cool. 
• that i got to hang out with D. he's a pretty bad A kid. 
• that i got to take a 4 hour nap before work. even though i think i'm more tired now than before, it was still nice. 
• for Calv. I think he has pink eye, poor guy. 
• for pinterest. what else would i do all night? seriously...
• that i got to go to lunch with a good friend today. 
• for my sponsor. holy moly, she's amazing. 
• for good books. i'm still a little sad that i finished Juliet, Naked because now i feel a little empty inside...finishing books kinda sucks.
• for Joey.
• that i get to hang out with my grandparents a lot. 
• to be sober....i probably wouldn't have any of the things listed above if i wasn't sober...

I'm so excited that it's almost Friday! I have a hot date to the SUU gymnastics meet and I foresee plenty of sleep in my near future, too. :]

Juliet, Naked by Nick Hornby

I just finished this book and thought I'd write a short post about it so I don't forget that I read it. Not gonna lie, at first I had no idea what to expect and it was a bit difficult to get into (maybe because it was 1 of 4 books that I am reading). Once I got a little further into the book, however, I couldn't put it down. I guess I couldn't get enough of the boring, mundane lives that the characters were living...or maybe because I could related to their feelings. I was slightly disappointed with the ending, but it was to be expected given the circumstances of the book. I guess that's life, right? Full of disappoints due to the expectations we put on ourselves and others. I'm glad I only paid 3 dollars for this book, but I'd recommend it for a quick, fun read. If you want to borrow my copy, hit me up.

I'm trying to branch out this year in the types of books I am willing to give a chance. Normally I would have never even touched this book because it's fiction...but I was pleasantly surprised and can't wait to branch out some more! There won't be any sci-fi or fantasy, though...gag.

never more true than now....

Here's to a new chapter full of love and new beginnings!

gratitude

• i got to hang out with grandpa and grandma for no reason at all today. 
• i finished Juliet, Naked by Nick Hornby--I loved the book but the ending was a little lame. I still liked the book overall, though. 
• i got to cuddle with calv today while i was reading. i love that kitty.
• my house has stayed semi-clean from last wednesday when i cleaned the shit out of it...so tomorrows cleaning should go quickly! yay.
• i dyed my hair. black. i like it. 
• no stupid text messages from people that i've never met. thank goodness. 
• tomorrow i can sleep for 6 hours in a row, i think. that'll be nice. 
• my job...even when my boss is super intense. i'm grateful that i have a job. i'm grateful that i have a job....
• i'm grateful for April. she definitely listened to me bitch a lot tonight...thanks Ape. 
• for friends. :) 
• i got to see a friend from st. george get 1 year sober tonight at AA. cool! 
• i get to meet with my sponsor tomorrow before group.
• i had coffee with a good friend today. 
• i'm pretty content. 

 

howdy, ya'll

This blog needs a face lift and I realize this; I'm working on it. For now, lets just say I've been reading, learning, and doing lots of things I've never done before. Maybe someday I'll blog about those things....but right now I don't feel like blogging.

Today I'm grateful:

• that although i don't get to control how others act, i DO get to choose how i act and in turn, react. today someone that i have never met was texting me for someone that i do know. my first thought was to freak out and get angry...after a moment i was able to be calm and handle the situation like an adult. if i think about it too long, i go back to wanting to slap a hoe, but i won't do that. ha
• for good books! i forgot that i liked reading. weird, i know...but i'm back at it and it's made life 10 times more enjoyable lately. 
• that i got to spend time with old friends this weekend. 
• i got to go to like 5 basketball games last week! score! Ray Jones Jr. (my pretend husb. on SUU's team) can kiss my ass. geez, what a shit show on saturday. maybe next year, eh?
• that a trucker brought a portable space heater for us at the truck stop. the heater has been out all weekend and it's FREEZING in here. 
• for water. yummm
• for Joey Bear
• that i get to live life! and remember it.
• learning new things
• trying things i don't think i'll like and then love them
• good friend, old and new.
• my house 
• calvie and gretch

Hope ya'll had a good weekend!

love revolution is on, baby...

So, the past few weeks have had a lot of ups and downs and crazy everywhere. I wasn't doing anything to progress spiritually or otherwise. On Wednesday I was able to meet with the most amazing woman to get coffee and talk; I told her what I was struggling with and she gave me some feedback, made me feel loved, and sent me on my way. Normally I would have gone home and just thought, "well that was nice"...but I've been doing that for months now. This time I went home and got busy. I haven't felt this much alive in a very long time! I went home and cleaned the shit out of my house so that I could focus on more important things that I needed to start doing.

I started reading 3 new books:

• The Love Revolution
• The Four Agreements
• Juliette, Naked by Nick Hornby

I have been starting to actually want to be more spiritual. In doing so, I've decided that I want to learn how to meditate. Thus far, it's definitely something that I need to work on; I've also learned that even by trying to meditate for a short amount of time it helps my entire day go more smoothly and allows me to be in the moment instead of worrying about things that haven't happened yet. 

Today, the 3rd day of my "being in the moment" quest, I received some wonderful news that I had been stressing about for months! I am so grateful that things are starting to pick up again and fall into place. 

I'm grateful:

• that Cedar City has a pretty amazing bookstore! I never thought of going to Braun Books before someone suggested that I read a book they have-- I went there today and fell in love! I'll definitely be hanging out there more often!
• that I get to go to two basketball games tomorrow before work! 
• for love. 
• having meaningful conversations--i've been talking to everyone i know about meditation and i love hearing how other people do it or don't do it. 
• that i have time to read. i forgot how much i enjoy doing it. 
• to have a job!
• for a warm house, food to eat, and that i can shower everyday. 
• that I got to take grandpa and grandma out today and hang out. no hospitals, just hanging out. 
• that i get to sleep in about 6 hours! 
• for Calvin and Gretch. Cute little suckers!
• for good friends and family. 

I hope ya'll have a wonderful weekend! 

"If you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland."

This is a quote from a poem that I love; I've been thinking about it a lot lately and it rings true no matter what. I often find myself thinking "what if?" or "why this?" and then I remember this poem. This year I want to enjoy where I am instead of wishing I was anywhere else...because, very often, I do wish I could be anywhere but where I am, no matter where I am. 

Of course there are things that I will still continue to hope, wish and pray for....but I need to be here, right now, doing what I'm doing; it'd be nice to enjoy the hell out of it. 


Today I'm grateful:

• for the chance to make things right. it's getting easier to make amends right after i do something stupid rather than dragging it out for weeks. maybe someday i'll get to a point that i won't need to make so many amends...but for now, i'm grateful for where i am...
• to know that I am worthwhile.
• SUU basketball game...even though they sucked it up and lost at the end..
• change. sometimes i hate it at the time, but usually look back and think, "wow, this shit is pretty okay."
• my job. a lot of people are losing hours and not working as much as they'd like to work....mine have stayed steady and full-time. i'm very grateful for that.
• A.A. and all the wonderful people that I get to associate with because of it.
• Calvin and Gretch. I love going home to those cute cats. 
• Joey :) 
• My dad
• my grandparents, even when they stress me out. 
• my sponsor--i finally asked someone to be my sponsor who i want to actually work with. she is such an amazing lady and i'm very blessed that she is willing to work with me. i wish you could all meet her; you'd love her, too. 
• looking back at the past and learning from it. 
• toenail polish. 
• ramen...even though i'm about done eating it forever. breakfast, lunch, and dinner = ramen. gag. ha, oh well...it's keeping me alive!
• friends. good friends. 
• family. all of them.

I'm getting old....sick.

I've been dreading 2012 for a while now because I will turn 27 this year. 27?! Holy shit. When did I get old?? That is disgusting and I'm not okay with this.

Things I have to look forward to with age:

• moles. skin spots. all sorts of weird things that resemble moles. sick man. 
• gray hair. um, no thanks. 
• retirement money=pay for medical care. what kind of retirement is that? shit...no thanks.
• have to buy my own toilet paper. why is it so expensive?! 
• buying food is stupid and i don't like it. 
• paying rent blows.

I wanna be 5 again! 

life is good and so is diet coke

Today I'm grateful:

• that I got plenty of rest before coming to work tonight. bonus in my world.
• for learning how to be true to myself and my values. 
• that I got to spend time with some friends tonight before work.
• that I can remember what I did last night. Maybe it wasn't the most exciting night of my life, but I had fun and I didn't feel like death today. 
• for my little Calvin. I just love him.
• Joey D.--best brother ever. 
• that the NBA is back. 
• to so many different people for so many different reasons. i think everything happens for a reason. 
• to know that I am loved. 
• for diet coke. yum. 
• scrabble/words with friends- fantastic. 
• love
• for lessons learned...even if they suck in the process. 
• my friends blogs. i love reading them. 
• the heater seems to be working tonight. great. 
• no snow for days now! 
• a warm house, food to eat, and lots of good people. 

Hope your second day of 2012 is amazing! Mine is gonna be awesome!! I have the day off (once I leave work in a few hours) and I plan to do lots of fun stuff. :)

Ringin' in the New Year with style...

It's 5:10am on January 1, 2012. I'm at work and the heater is broken. It's about 50 degrees in here but feels more like -20 degrees. I guess this is life, eh?

My New Years Eve was pleasant; I had a lot of fun, saw a lot of friends, and relaxed...what more could a girl ask for, really? I started out the day visiting grandpa in the hospital. I made sure he was drinking his water, talked about basketball, and of course, gave him a mohawk. I tried taking a picture--maybe someday soon. After a quick visit, I went home and crawled in my nice, warm, cozy bed with Calvin until about 4pm.

I got ready and went to dinner with a friend. I had fish and chips....it was my way of pretending that I was in a pub for New Years Eve. It worked and they were delicious. Yummmm! After dinner we went over to the AA meeting; we got there right at the end of the meeting but then the dance was starting. Gag. I stayed for like ten minutes and then booked it outta there. I wasn't a good dancer drunk and I'm even worse sober...if that's even possible.

I decided that I was going to craft at work tonight, so I hit up Wal-Mart for a few supplies. Then since I had a couple of minutes to burn before work, I decided to cruise and jam to my music. Just my luck, I got pulled over. Luckily, it was by the sheriffs who come to my work every night and they just laughed; we talked for a minute and I got to continue on my way. So glad I wasn't drinking....Bonus.

I rang in the new year at the truck stop, by myself and I wasn't even sad about it. I mean, maybe a little bummed that I don't have anyone to kiss at midnight...but other than that, life is good. I've been crafting up a storm and I'm so stoked for the end product. It'll be a few days, but I'll post pics of what I've been crafting soon.

Oh, and hopefully I'll have my Etsy back up soon, too. I wanted to make some changed for the new year, but sadly, I haven't started them yet...so no shop for now!

Today I'm grateful for:

• good conversations 
• reconciliation 
• true love
• new beginnings 
• my job--i'm lucky to have work. mostly i'm lucky that i get to craft all night at work usually. 
• youtube for teaching me new things whenever i wanna learn something. 
• good friends
• honesty
• all the wonderful people who have touched me in some way in the last year. there's a bunch. and i'm grateful for all of you. 
• being happy with where i am in life, for the most part.
• feeling content.
• my sobriety.
• family.
• getting pulled over and being sober for it. 
• my jacket and shoes. this place is freeeeeezing tonight! my hands and nose are purple. probably my toes, too. 
• today. 
• y.o.u. 
• hope. 
• Joe Bear

i'm ungrateful these days

So, for a while I was doing really well with writing a gratitude list everyday and it really did improve my attitude; then I stopped doing it because Thanksgiving was over. Well, guess I better start those little lists again. Sorry if they're boring, but I enjoy them and I need to make them.

• I'm grateful for almond M&M's- Joey gave them to me for Christmas. He knows the way to my heart. :)
• I'm grateful that I got way too much sleep today. I slept from like 8am-8pm. Sick, I know. But it was much wanted. And I didn't even feel bad about it. 
• I'm grateful for the new year coming up! 
• I'm grateful that I have a nice, comfy bed. 
• I'm grateful for my kitty, Calvin. For realz, who else would lounge around and sleep by my side all day? No one. He's the man. 
• I'm grateful that I'm not wearing flip flops tonight. My toes would be frozen! Shoes are okay, sometimes. 
• I'm grateful that I get to work on New Years Eve. Heaven only knows what a nightmare it'd be if I didn't have to work...
• I'm grateful for my fam. It's been a fun couple of weeks over Christmas break. 
• I'm grateful that it's basketball season. Boredom is easily cured with a nice game of b-ball. 
• I'm grateful for all the things I learned over the last year. Some of it sucked..and still sucks, but that's life, I suppose. 
• I'm grateful for my grandparents. <3 
• I'm grateful for love, hope, and happiness. 
• I'm grateful for Diet Coke. Man, these nights would suck a lot more without that stuff! 
• I'm grateful for hot water to shower in- the hot water wasn't working a couple weeks ago for like 2 days and I thought I was going to die. I would have been an awful pioneer. 
• I'm grateful for good friends. 
• I'm grateful that I have everything I need, and most of what I want. :)
• I'm grateful for New Girl. Funniest TV show ever. And I'm grateful that I can watch it for free online. Hulu.com is pretty awesome. 
• I'm grateful that I can, for the most part, support myself. First time ever. 
• I'm grateful for the great weather here right now. No snow= happy Jill. 
• I'm grateful for the opportunities that I have in my life right now! So very blessed. 
• I'm grateful that I can wake up and not feel like I'm about to die. Miracle!

8 months sober

8 months sober today!

You know, life is funny. I thought that being sober would make my life "easy" or at least easier. Seems like lately shit is kind of hitting the fan and there's not anything I can do except keep being sober. This morning I woke up early and went to the hospital to visit my grandpa; while I was there my grandma came to visit and got admitted to the hospital, too. How convenient, right? I stayed and visited for a bit, but after a while it just gets too depressing in there for me.

Luckily, I went to the noon AA meeting or I think my day would have ended a lot differently. It was good to get out of my head and be with other people in recovery who are doing this shit, too. After the meeting, I went and watched a couple of CHS basketball games since Joey is the team manager. I accidentally sat on the visitors side during the first game and since my stress level was already soaring, I almost punched a stupid guy in the face over a basketball game. haha....Luckily, that didn't happen AND Cedar won by like 40 points.

My day was starting to look up and then I got some more bad news. Ugh. I pretty much freaked out and wanted to quit life; luckily, I was able to reason enough to call someone who could help me. I'm so grateful that even when I'm in a really shitty place, I know I can always call someone for help. I got to go in a sweet van ride and talk to someone who really helped put things into perspective. When I left, I almost felt silly for being so dramatic about what is going on. I mean, sure, it sucks...but my life is still pretty damn good.

Today I'm grateful for:

• Hope. And people who remind me that there is hope, even when I can't see it. 
• Joey. It was great to spend some time with him today. I love basketball and Joey, so it was pretty awesome.
• Calvin. I freaking love that cat. 
• My grandparents. I love how in love they are still, even after like 60+ years of marriage. 
• Good friends.
• Horizon House- pretty sure I owe them my life, for real. Especially on days like today. I'm grateful for all the staff and counselors that dedicate so much time to help people like me.
• Fun things coming up. Planning a trip to San Fran with April! Should be fun!! 
• I have a house, a bed, heat, food, and a car to drive today. That's pretty amazing considering I had absolutely nothing not too long ago. 
• Love. 
• The sleep I got before coming to work. I was exhausted and it felt so good to get a little nap. 
• The opportunities I have now that I'm sober. Life, even with all the crazy stuff going on, is really great today. 
• 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, and 10th chances. I'm grateful I don't have to be perfect...even though I still want to be...
• All the things I've learned over the last year. 
• My family.
• The beautiful weather we've been having in So Utah! Amazing! 

I would love this right now...

2011 was pretty amazing--how will 2012 compare?!

I know this year isn't quite over, but I thought I'd make a quick list of things I did in the last year and things I wanna do next year! Hopefully I'll have a few things to add to 2011 by the time 2012 gets here! Anyway, here it is...

In 2011 I:

• Had a couple of really fun trips to California with Jordan.
• Played Loveopoly for Valentines day.  I made it up. ha ha 
• Jordan came to Utah, knocked on my window and surprised me. Best thing ever, to this date. 
• Missed Joey's birthday. And Jr. Prom. 
• Snow in Vegas! Weird..and funny because people freaked out over less than 1/2 an inch of snow.
• Had my first (and hopefully last) ride on a Greyhound Bus--it failed miserably. 
• Spent New Years Eve in a ghetto ass bar in Vegas with lots of old drunk people. I didn't get a New Years Eve kiss and I probably barfed a lot. 
• I had lots of drunken bbq's--I do miss that. 
• Lots of drunken fights, arguments, and driving. 
• I had my heart broken. 
• Left someone that I love.
• Checked into rehab on May 5 and completed on June 29 (I think).
• Met some really, really amazing people. 
• Lived at the crisis center for a little over a month. Not too shabby. 
• Got a job. 
• Got my first apartment living on my own! And it's cute. 
• Got a roomie. 
• Adopted Calvin! I never thought I would love a kitty as much as I love Calv. I'm sure glad that he's in my life--I love him so much. 
• Made some new friends; made amends with some old friends.
• Had a lot of really awkward/depressing moments with my parents.
• Chopped my hair and dyed parts of it red.
• Hung out a lot with my grandpa at the hospital. 
• Got to see Joey be the manager of his last High School football game in Salt Lake! 
• Have been to lots of SUU basketball games with Joey, April, and Bryan. 
• Gained back some trust from people--they trust me to take Joey, to hang out with my grandparents, and to drive their cars. Holy shit, man. 
• Went to San Antonio, TX as a birthday present to myself.
• On December 29, 2011 I will be celebrating 8 months sober! Time sure is flying...
• I thought my family would never accept me for me--but turns out, things are going really well. 
• Had an amazing Thanksgiving with lots of really awesome people. No drunk fights and I can remember it all.
• Thought Calv was going to die--I was heartbroken. Luckily my dad pulled some strings, got him into the vet on a holiday and he was fixed with some antibiotics. :) 
• Adopted Gretchen. I'm still working on loving her. She's cute but I just love Calv...
• Still miss Jordan everyday and wish things could be different--and by that I mean I wish that I could have my cake and eat it, too. Clearly, that isn't possible. Damn. A girl can dream, right?
• Started believing in a higher power--although some days are better than others in that department. 
• Lost things--but gained so much more.
• Grew my hair out- it's getting long! I had it in a bun for the last 8 months-ish and now I'm wearing it down and it's pretty long! Coooool.
• Got one of my best friends back. Thank goodness. 
• Wanted to run away to Vegas everyday and haven't. Missing people sucks. 
• Thought about going running and haven't. haha...
• Got a couple tattoos. And by a couple, I mean 8. :) 

In 2012 I:

• Will complete rehab and aftercare stuff that I have going on right now. 
• Want to get back into SUU or school somewhere. I miss school. 
• Have a lot of amends to make to a lot of people. 
• Want to go to a Jazz game.
• Want to go to Disney Land.
• Want to go to Texas. 
• Want to swim in the ocean.
• Want to have a cool esty shop. 
• Want to run more (I'm not committing to anything just yet...haha)...and by more, I mean at all.
• Want to get a smart phone. I feel dumb with my non smart phone. Plus, can't play words with friends.....
• Want to take the foster care classes. I donno if they'll let me since I'm not actually going to do foster care right now, but I'll try. :)
• Want to go camping, at least once. Good sober fun...eek. 
• Want to go watch the NCAA tournament in Vegas. Wish me luck. ;)
• Want to fit into my old jeans. hahhaha....right....
• Want to go to Lagoon.
• Want to get a car.
• Want to get another job. 
• Want to spend a few days at the cabin.
• Want to spend a sober weekend in Vegas. 
• Want to make new friends, keep old friends, and have fun!
• Want to travel any chance I get. 
• Want to have a brain transplant--or have my life be like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind...either way will work. Lets do this shit. I don't wanna be sad anymore. 
• Want to try snowboarding--perhaps on the Wal-Mart bunny hill...
• Get my 1 year chip in AA --- hope so! 

What do YOU wanna do in 2012? Do tell...

Best Christmas EVER!

OMG, Christmas this year was more fun than I've had in a long time. I'm so grateful for all the wonderful friends and family that I got to spend time with over the last week or so. It's been very pleasant; I got hooked up with lots of awesome presents!

• I got tons of stuff from my parents---gift cards, money, hair/make-up stuff (that I picked out), etc. 
• April made me a magnetic Scrabble board that I absolutely LOVE! And some cute little scrabble coasters to go with it! 
• Jazz got me a cute sweatshirt and some awesome sweatpants! I'm wearing the hoodie right now--I love it!
• Jon and Marin made me a "JILL" board, gave me a cute necklace and some earrings! 
• Joey gave me some Almond M&M's--that kid knows me a little toooooo well! 
• Tannie and Mari gave me some cute jewelry and a gift card
• Grandma and Grandpa gave me some "Hello Kitty" pants--perfect, even my grandparents know I'm a cat lady. 
• Amy and Holli made me a cheese cake!
• Mila and D brought goodies for me AND my cats! That's the cutest thing ever. 
• Corinne gave my roomie and I a bunch of cute stuff for our apartment--the frame is my fav (so cute). 
• I got some UNO cards from a White Elephant party--and parted with some candy panties in the same gift exchange. Damn. 
• I got a cash bonus from my work--not a lot, but still....pretty cool. 
• I'm getting paid for 3 days for working Christmas. Bonus. 
• I didn't get drunk. Not even once! I remember all of Christmas this year- weird, and a little amazing.
• I have played more rounds of Rummy with my grandparents in the last week than I have in the last 5 years and it's been a blast! My grandma can't remember what she cooked for breakfast, but she sure can play some cards!
• Sub for Santa was a huge success and lots of fun! I'm relieved that it's over because I stress out about that kind of stuff, but I'm so grateful to everyone who helped make it possible! So awesome!!!
• Work has been dead for the last 3 nights- I've had plenty of time to play Words with Friends, craft, visit with friends, dream up new plans for my life, and have lots of new tattoo ideas. Life is good.

Bring on the sober New Years! My boss asked if I wanted New Years Eve off...I laughed. I will be working--better safe than sorry, right?? I figure I might as well get paid to hang out than to be bored and lonely on the biggest drinking night known to man. Sober New Years Eve parties should probably last a little longer than 1am...just sayin'. 

Anyway....I guess it's time to think about some New Years resolutions, eh? 

Happy Birthday, Dadio

Today is my dads birthday! Party time. :]


Pretty sure my dad is the coolest dad ever. And he is also my hero. He is always doing something to help someone else and always puts everyone before himself--even complete strangers. I'm grateful for my dad and that I get to spend time with him on his birthday this year.

Thanks for everything, Dad! I love you.

Merry Merrrrrrry Christmas!

Hope everyone has an awesome Christmas this year! I know I sure am. :) 

Can't wait to see Joey playing with all his new toys (the iPad 2). Wahoooo! 

Peace out and be safe!

so much to do, so little time-- Christmas is almost here!

I have so much to finish up before Christmas and about 60 hours of work to juggle in, too. I better get busy! Wish me luck!


Oh, and Merry Christmas!

I had a good post...but that'll have to come after the big day!


Cheers!

sometimes i have no faith in humanity...or love

Every lose faith in people? In love?

I do.

And then I just remember all the amazing things that have been happening lately. I still don't have faith in love--but maybe someday.

Oh, and just in case you forgot, I love Calvin.

Slacker Christmas Card- check.

holy bananas

Joey and I on the way to the dance!

poser

I just stopped for like 2 seconds to think about my life and I realized that I'm happy! For the first time in a long time, I can honestly say that I'm truly happy. Sometimes I get so caught up in the things I have going on that I don't take time to notice how I feel or what I think...sounds weird, but it's true. A few things happened this weekend that definitely made me glad to be sober and that I get to be doing something different; I don't get to drink when I'm bored or lonely, but it seems that I don't get bored anymore and I'm only lonely if I choose to be. Life is good and I'm very blessed! Holy cow, bring on the good times! 

a merry little Christmas to you....

Pretty sure I love my life. A lot. Things have been crazy...and will probably only get crazier until Christmas, but I love it!

My friend Becky made this cake! Sweet, right?

On Friday we had a fundraiser bake sale for Sub for Santa. I was expecting to make around $100-$200 dollars...we made $550.00! Holy cow! I have amazing friends who donated amazing amounts (and quality) of food and it showed!

So many people gave us so much money and I was amazed at the support we got. I had so many cool experiences and lots of awesome things happen- people are so freaking cool.


Anyway, if you're reading this and would like to get in on the sub for Santa project you can go here. We would love all the help we can get! I'm so excited for this and I'm so glad that I get to give back this year.


Have a wonderful weekend!

i miss this

I miss the carefree, doesn't-matter-if-I-wear-clothes days. A lot. Take me back!

Christmas < < < --- (that's a Christmas tree)...

This is the Christmas tree I made out of wrapping paper last year.

Tonight my roomie and I decorated our apartment. I haven't been feelin' Christmasy this year, but I'm glad my roomie insisted that we decorate. We still don't have a tree, but it feels much more like the holidays now and I like it. Maybe I'll construct a paper tree again this year...who knows?!

coughing is annoying?

This morning when I got home from work I decided to sleep on the couch so that my coughing wouldn't wake my roommate up. I was hacking my lungs up for about 20 minutes and I felt like I was going to die. The only thing in the world that I wanted was a bottle of NyQuil and a sleeping pill to knock my ass out.

Then someone knocked on my door. My neighbor from downstairs brought me some medicine. Ugh. I had to tell her I couldn't take it... Awkward and a little annoying because I really wanted it. Oh well, such is life.

Not only am I annoying myself by hacking my lungs up, apparently I'm buggin' the hell outta my neighbors too! Hopefully I stop coughing soon.

i went on a date with the most handsome boy in the entire world.

Today I got to go on a date with the most handsome boy in the world. :] 

We went to the movie Arthur Christmas. I had seen the previews and thought it looked cute- turned out even better than I expected! I even cried a little at the end- happy tears, of course.

I'm so grateful that I get to have Joey in my life and that my parents actually trust me enough to let me hang out with him. It was a great day!

perspective

Work all night. Take grandpa to one doctor. Rush grandpa to the next doctor. Pick up prescriptions for grandpa. Go to an AA meeting. Call Joey. Dump food in a bowl for the cats. Shower. Pick up roomie from work. Go to HHW for a group. Go to another AA meeting. Do mentor stuff. Back to work.

Sometimes my life seems like a giant checklist that I just need to cross off. I get overwhelmed, bitchy, and pretty miserable to be around.

For exmaple:

On Thursday night for the mentor program I went to Horizon House to decorate some Christmas trees for the Sub4Santa project that we're doing. It was a little chaotic and I just didn't want to be there. I was bitchy and just wanted to get it done so I could go home. I stayed for a couple of hours but didn't really do much except complain. But I crossed it off my list and moved on.

Tonight at the AA meeting one of the women shared about how she was so excited to decorate the trees because she was thinking about how happy it was going to make a family. She was one of the few who, despite the unorganized mess, kept working and re-doing the lights on the trees.  Wowzer... I really needed to hear that. Lately it seems like I'm just doing things to check them off my list. I don't really think about what I'm doing, I just do what I need to do and get to the next thing. How miserable is that? I want to be able to enjoy life and not just get through it.

This week I'm going to try to stay in the moment, look at things from a different perspective, and enjoy the hell out of it. I really needed this little wake up call.

I don't want my life to be a big checklist. Gross.

Holy Smokes, it's December!

Last night when I went to group at 6pm it was nice outside and I was wearing flip-flops; when I got out of group at 9pm I was still wearing flip-flops and it was not nice outside...it was snowing like crazy! I usually don't love snow, but I liked it this time. It is beautiful outside and everything looks so fresh.

I can't believe it's December! I don't know where time is going and I feel like it's only going to get faster. I have so much going on and I love it all! The holidays are so much fun and I'm excited I get to spend them sober and with people that I love dearly.

A few of my  friends on facebook posted this video and I thought it was pretty cool.

While I lived in Las Vegas I met a lesbian couple who were maybe in their forties or early fifties and they had two small children. At first, even being gay, I was kind of sad for the kids. I mean, I don't know what I'd do without my dad. He's my hero! After being invited into their home for their sons birthday party, I soon realized that their children were some of the happiest, smartest kids I had ever met. It was inspiring, to say the least. Although I don't know what I'd do without my dad, it was apparent that these two women had definite roles and that the kids were not being deprived in any way.

There are people who argue that if two homosexuals raise a child, the child will be homosexual. Maybe? But isn't it the same if two heterosexuals raise a child- shouldn't the kid be heterosexual? It doesn't work that way. I think that if someone who is able, both physically, emotionally, and mentally wants to have children, who are we to say they can't? I know plenty of heterosexual couples who should probably stay on birth control and never reproduce...but no one tells them they can't have kids.

I have wanted to adopt for a long time. Even when I was in a heterosexual relationship, adoption was something that I felt very strongly about. It was the cause of many intense discussions and a few fights. I believe that every kid deserves love and that it doesn't matter whether or not I'm the biological parent or not. Not everyone feels that way and to each his own. I don't know what life has in store for me or what I'll be able to do but I would love to adopt someday, whether it be with a partner or by myself assuming I'm in the position to care for a child properly.

I know this is a sensitive subject and it's something that I think about often. I wonder if I'll even have the right to adopt a child or how that will work out. I don't want  my sexual orientation determining whether or not I'm a suitable human being that could care for a child. I don't know all the laws and I haven't done a lot of research on this topic because I'm not in a position in my life where it's even relevant yet. All I know is that I hope someday I can have a family, too. :)


Happy December! :)