birth smirth

I just paid $18.00 for a copy of my birth certificate so that I can pay more money to renew my drivers license that expires on my birthday. Yay for being born! 

But seriously...$18.00 dollars for a piece of paper that says I was indeed born?  LAME. Even more lame that I lost my real birth certificate on the Greyhound Bus....now that's scary shit.

I'm lucky to be alive and that I was born in the good ol' USA. And now I'm done ranting about stupid shit that I caused for myself. 

The end.

movin' on up...and out

I get to go see my new apartment in the morning. I am stoked! I am going to live alone- for the first time ever. No parents. No sibs. No roomies. No girlfriends.

No one but me.

Needless to say, it's a big step for me. I couldn't be happier about this move and I'm so grateful that the landlords are freaking amazing. Like for real, nicest people...ever! Plus, I don't have to sign a lease or anything. I am pretty lucky to be able to rent from them--thanks to lots of people who helped me get into this place.

That's another thing. Ya know, I've always had a lot of supportive people and lots of people who would do anything to help me and I always took advantage of them. Now that I'm actually working for things and trying to do life on my own, things have been going really well and people have been very generous and have helped me with anything they could. I'm very grateful for everything I have and for all the amazing people in my life! Even my bad days are not bad at all..I've got a great life and I'm very blessed.

Now for the important stuff...like how I'll decorate it..and with what. I don't really have any furniture. And by that I mean I have nothing but a bed. Ha ha. Don't worry, I have a few ideas [thanks to pinterest.com]:

I'll make these someday of cities I've been to...or wanna go to...

I didn't find this on pinterest but I love it! Great [cheap] idea!

Since I can't paint, the walls might look a little something like this...perhaps.

I love this table. I'm gonna make it and it will double as my kitchen/coffee table. Classy, right?

So pretty much I will have a fancy house and I couldn't be more excited! Oh and any donations of junk you don't want will be gladly accepted. :]

Oh, holy shit...

Once upon a time there was a girl named Jill. She moved to Las Vegas and moved in with her GF, Jordan. Jill didn't want to be gross, so for the first two weeks that she lived in Las Vegas. Well, as you may have guessed, after two weeks, Jill was FULL of shit. Literally.


Jordan went off to work [for the, I think, first time since I had moved in]; I went straight to the toilet. I sat, strained, pushed, almost fell off the toilet for almost an hour. Nothing. I decided that I'd go lie down and wait. I waited and about twenty minutes later--it was time.

I rushed to the bathroom and pushed one good, lonnnnng push. It hurt a bit but my stomach felt relieved to be empty. It wasn't my biggest poop, but it was comparable. I flushed.

"Oh shit", I thought. The water didn't go down, it rose up until it almost flowed out of the toilet. I looked around for a plunger but I had no such luck. Luckily the water didn't overflow; I just decided to pretend I didn't know what was going on. I would just act like I didn't know why it wouldn't flush. After a few hours, I really did forget that I had clogged the toilet...

____________________________________________________________________________________

Later that night Jordan was getting in the shower, used the bathroom and then flushed the toilet. Well, the toilet started to run over. She called frantically for Amanda to come and help her. Jordan strained her neck to turn the water off; Amanda found the plunger which was under the kitchen sick (WTF...who keeps a toilet plunger under their sink?!...no wonder I couldn't find it!!)

Well, Jordan didn't know how to plunge and neither did Amanda, so Jill to the rescue came along and plunged "Jordan's" mess; everything was taken care of and Jill saved the day.

Jordan, that was my poop clogging the toilet. Oh, yes....love. Isn't it great?! Thanks for taking my blame...and thanks for pooping at the most opportune moment possible. You may resume pooping in our bathroom now. Our toilet isn't defective...I am! :)

i'm the smartest person on earth: part 2

For a link to a similar situation less than a year ago...click here!

If you read my blog, you've read the link posted above. If not, read it.

Well then fast forward about a year. Similar story, but worse since it wasn't the first time I've done this.

Jordan and I drove to Utah for a funeral; weather was nice and we got there fine. As we were about to leave, a blizzard hit Cedar. Darn. I hate snow; Jordan loved it, so we played in it. I decided we could try and drive home. We hopped in the car and tried to take off...but the car wouldn't move! Jordan blamed it on her "Nevada" tires; right as she was getting out into the blizzard to push the car I realized that the emergency brake was on. Not wanting to look stupid, I played along and acted like we were stuck in a patch of snow. After a couple of minutes pushing, I released the brake, Jordan hopped in and we drove around Cedar for 40 minutes and then decided not to go back to Vegas until the next day.

Jordan, I love you and I'm sorry you had to "push" your car out of the snow! xoxo

health care, smhealth care...

What's all the fuss about? Honestly. 

The current heath care system is not perfect or even semi-perfect. Lets try something new. I don't care if you agree or not, it's happening and fighting it won't help. Although the new plan may not be perfect (is there ever a perfect plan?), it's a step in the right direction.

I won't lie, I am not an expert on the matter and I won't pretend that I am. I haven't read the bill in its entirety, but have those of you who are opposed to it read it either?

Change isn't bad. 

the 2010 airborne crisis

Once upon a time there was a girl named Jill, that's me.

She woke up like this:

After a trip to the store and buying some:

Jill put the tablet in a cup:

After waiting a few minutes, Jill drank the water/Airborne mixture. Uh-oh...it wasn't dissolved all the way.

Jill starting choking:

Since she's dramatic she ran downstairs, unable to breathe, and woke up her sister Anne:

Anne didn't know what to do, so after a few seconds the tablet dislodged itself. Jill and Anne laughed.

Anne went back to bed. Jill felt awesome and went to school.

when i grow up...

When I was little I thought I wanted to teach elementary school. I love kids and I really liked school, so why not? Plus everyone and their dog in my family (not everyone, but lots) was or is involved in the education system.  Education just seemed like a natural route for me to take as I grew older. After taking Education 2000 at SUU I decided I would rather slit my own wrists and rip my teeth out with a fork than teach school. That left me with just one problem. What will I do instead?

Good question.

Here are some of my ideas on the matter:
Tubing Guide:
I would just tell people all the safety precautions and let them float on down the river. I love tubing, so I'd never get bored...at least not for a few years.                                

Since it's inevitable that I'll get bored with my tubing guide job, I would then like to be a:

 Bookstore Owner:

I would love own a bookstore because I could read all day long and I'm sure I'd meet some rad people along the way, also. This women really looks like she's livin' the dream. I want this job. I will do this.      

After my bookstore takes off and I have enough money to hire a few employee's, I'll be free to be a:

Basketball Coach:

I don't care if I'm coaching high school, Jr. Jazz, or a small community college team, I just wanna coach. I think it'd be so much fun. Plus, I'd be a kick-ass coach. I'd get some travel in with the team and I'd get to watch/play basketball and make money. Cool.

In the meantime, I'd still have to check on my bookstore every now and then so I'd stay busy even in the off-season. After I got the hang of things and settled into being so busy, I'd add in being a:

Cafe/Coffee Shop Owner:

I'd be smart about it though and it would be part of my bookstore. I've always wanted to own a small diner or cafe and what could be more perfect than a bookstore cafe? I think nothing. Grilled cheese would be the specialty. 

The transition from this move won't take long, so I'll add in this next one soon afterwards. I will be a:

Co-Bar-Owner: (my partners know who they are)

I've dedicated entire posts to my bar, "Meet Me Upstairs" so I find it unnecessary to re-blog about it. Just know it's gonna be a freaking awesome place to hang out. 

 

I figure after accomplishing all of these jobs, someone will indefinitely want me to be their: 

Inspirational Speaking Assistant:

Note the "assistant". I don't want to do the speaking or the inspiring. I just want to travel and go to fancy places and look cool while someone else takes the job of speaking and inspiring others. How cool would it be  to basically do nothing and get paid for it. I mean, sure, I'll get coffee and dinner for the speaker and then go explore new cities. Don't try and steal my idea...there are only so many inspirational speakers to go around and I need one of them to hire me!

After I've done all these things, I'll probably write a book and everyone will love me. I'll be famous.

woah, hold your horses...addicted to you?

I just received an e-mail with the subject line: "how to get him 'addicted' to you".

Did I read it? No. Can I imagine what it said? Yes.

1. Have boobs, get fake ones, or stuff your bra. 

 2.  Flirt. A lot. Be as cheesy as human possible.

3. Cook. Men (people) love food. Dessert is where you can really score bonus points.

4. Clean. The. Shit. Outta. Everything. All. The. Time.

5. Never look like you're been cleaning, cooking, or anything else that would be seen as "dirty". Always, always, always look like a super-model. Sweats are a no-no.

6. Be yourself. (hahahhahahhahaha)
And by that, I mean don't be yourself at all. Be fake. Always put on a smile, even if you want to cry. Never, ever leave the house without a 6inch coat of makeup on. Laugh at him even when he's so not funny.

 
7. Get a new dude who doesn't need to be "obsessed" or addicted with you in order to love you. Honestly, wouldn't it be a little creepy if you wanted him to be obsessed with you in the first place??

Oh, and did I mention that if you have boobs he'll love you no matter what??! Get fake ones if you don't have them already. It's the hottest new thing to do.

i'm the smartest person on earth

Literally. I swear I'm so smart it hurts sometimes...and then days like yesterday happen.

I woke up early, showered, got ready, and was actually out the door by 8:40am. If you know me, you know that's a major feat. Usually being 20 minutes late to class is good for me. I planned to leave early because of the freaking 20 feet of snow we got the night before so that I could thaw my car, scrape the windows and find a decent parking space at school.

Anyway, so at 8:40 am I rushed out my door, forgot my backpack, ran back inside and grabbed it and started my car. Since it was a million degrees below zero, I decided to let my car do the work on getting the ice off my windshield so I wouldn't have to scrape it. I revved up my engine (about 20 times), sprayed it with ice melting stuff and waiting about five minutes. Then I tried to leave. Uh, why isn't my car moving?? I mean, I know I drive a tiny little car that isn't bigger than a 4-wheeler...but really?? It didn't budge. I tried again. And again...and again! For about ten minutes I sat there trying to get my car to move and it was just not working. Blah. I woke up early for this?! LAME!

So I called my dad (he saves me a lot). He said he'd come get me. In the meantime, I was STILL revving up my engine trying to get somewhere. I noticed my neighbor walking up to help me, so I rolled down my window and she told me to try reversing. Still nothing. WTF is wrong with my stupid car?!

And then I noticed the emergency brake was still on...oops.

I took it off and reversed (just to appease the neighbor) and sped away.

Moral of the story:
Sometimes on days like this it reminds me that I'm really not that smart and maybe I should be less of a bitch.Oh, and that I EFFING hate snow more than anything on earth...or at least pretty close to that.

Yes mom and dad, I still made it to class only one minute late. Be proud. xoxo