woah, hold your horses...addicted to you?

I just received an e-mail with the subject line: "how to get him 'addicted' to you".

Did I read it? No. Can I imagine what it said? Yes.

1. Have boobs, get fake ones, or stuff your bra. 

 2.  Flirt. A lot. Be as cheesy as human possible.

3. Cook. Men (people) love food. Dessert is where you can really score bonus points.

4. Clean. The. Shit. Outta. Everything. All. The. Time.

5. Never look like you're been cleaning, cooking, or anything else that would be seen as "dirty". Always, always, always look like a super-model. Sweats are a no-no.

6. Be yourself. (hahahhahahhahaha)
And by that, I mean don't be yourself at all. Be fake. Always put on a smile, even if you want to cry. Never, ever leave the house without a 6inch coat of makeup on. Laugh at him even when he's so not funny.

 
7. Get a new dude who doesn't need to be "obsessed" or addicted with you in order to love you. Honestly, wouldn't it be a little creepy if you wanted him to be obsessed with you in the first place??

Oh, and did I mention that if you have boobs he'll love you no matter what??! Get fake ones if you don't have them already. It's the hottest new thing to do.

No. I refuse to eat your food unless.....

Earlier today I decided to eat at In & Out Burger. Yummy.

Then I noticed the ridiculous uniforms that the employees are required to wear. Why??? I mean, I can understand the point of having uniforms and sometimes they even look nice. What I do not understand is why on earth someone who is opening a business would purposefully choose for their employees to look so ridiculous.

After thinking long and hard I came up with some possible arguments:

1. The owners are ugly and want their employees to be on their level...or below.
2. They want customers to find pleasure in seeing these poor employees dressed like clowns. 
3. The owners actually think the uniforms are flattering and look decent. 

I, for one, think it's very degrading and unnecessary for employees who work at fast food chains and otherwise to wear hideous uniforms that provide nothing extra that regular clothes couldn't. 

Excuse me while I go write letters to owners of all fast food chains to complain about how they are all assholes and bitter. Included in the letter I'll request that employees have uniforms that look more like this:

i'm having a quarter-effing-life crisis...help!

For those who don't know me, I'll soon be 25 years old. In fact, I'll be a quarter of a century old in exactly 177 short days. EEK! 

Okay, okay...for ya'll who are already to the big 2-5 mark and beyond, chillax. I don't think you're old if you're over 25. I'm just a freakin' out a little bit because I always thought that by 25 I'd have a completely different life than I do right now. Ever since I was little I always thought that by 25 I'd "have it all" : sexy husband, white picket fenced in house, little dog in the backyard, 8 (effing) kids, and the president of the young women's. 

Honestly, I've never had, and will never have any of those things...at least not in the way I had planned for so many years. And I'm perfectly okay with it. Sure, sometimes I wonder how much different or "easy" might life could be if I did choose my childhood path and it almost seems worth it. Then I snap back to reality and I remember that I'd end up in a mental institution if this : sexy husband, white picket fenced in house, little dog in the backyard, 8 kids, and the president of the young women's, was my life. 

I don't want a husband. I could settle for a studio apartment in a larger city. A dog, sure, why not? 8 kids, dream on. Church? No thanks.

Yes, I'm freaking out that I'm turning 25 because I have absolutely no idea where my life is going and where I'll end up next...but I guess that's also what I love about my life so much. I have nothing tying me down or holding me in one spot. I am free to blow with the wind; I hope I never get tied down. 

Naturally, I don't want to end up alone and I don't intend to do so. I just don't want the same things I always thought I'd want. Sometimes it's confusing to try and break out of the mold that was made for me and what I wanted for so long; sometimes I don't know if I'm making the right choices.

Confused as I may be, I do know one thing, I know that no matter what I do I'll always have my family and friends and what more could a girl ask for? So to all of you who get to deal with my "quarter-life crisis" freak out sessions, just know that I love you. And until I'm done freaking out and deciding what to do next, sorry I'm a little bitch. xoxo

So here's to making the big 2-5 the best it can be! I can't wait to see what life hands me next! Bring it on! (and trust me, I know I have a while until my birthday)...but just in case you want gift ideas, here ya go:

• books. i love books. 
• music is nice.
• money. 
• a lover? maybe...
• scrabble shit. <3
• notes/cards/letters
• candy

if my life were made into a book...

I think I live a pretty awesome life and often wonder what it'd be like if it were made into a book. Here's a little sneak preview of what it might be like if I actually decided to take the time to write an autobiography (which at this point in time I have no intention of doing). 

Title: How I Survived: Jill's Life in Utahville 

Chapter 1: Being Born a Provo-ite: the ins and outs of Happy Valley

Chapter 2: Hating Church; being forced to participate. 

Chapter 3: Finding A Husband: AKA, hellish ordeal

Chapter 4: Just Keep Drinking: A Guide To Being an Alcoholic

Chapter 5: Drinking: a continuation of the previous chapter

Chapter 6: Vegas is Only a Two Hour Drive Away: Thank God!

Chapter 7: Gag Me: I Do Not Like You. 

Chapter 8: Well Hello There...I DO Like You.

Chapter 9: Wow, Utah Isn't So Bad...I Still Wanna Leave

Chapter 10: to be decided...

um, so this one time...

• i'm pretty sure hacking up green snot and not being able to breathe in without my lungs collapsing is a bad sign. Guess we'll see what the doc says in the morning....
• i have taken more sleeping pills and nyquil than is recommended for a 7 day period since 9am this morning; i'm still awake. thank you to my wonderful body that has such high resistence to drugs and alcohol. what would i do without you?
• i can't fall asleep and i'm going to rip my hair out.
• i hope i start my period soon because, lets just say i've been a bitch face for a few days. or a few weeks. shit. 
• i need to clean my room and bathroom like it ain't no thang. am i planning to do so anytime soon? no. does this irritate the hell out of me? yes, indeed. 
• school is kicking my ass. it's awesome....in a not so awesome way.
• tomorrow is friday. yay.
• 3 basketball games on saturday = i hope i can stop coughing my lungs up by then. it's really not so great to watch basketball if all i do is hack my lungs up. 
• i'm gonna shut up now. goodnight

"why aren't you married?"...

It seems I get the infamous "why aren't you married" line quite often these days. So here's to all you curious folk and the answers to why I am not married. First of all, let me make it perfectly clear that I am super happy for all of my married friends who have found happiness in doing so.

Now, lets get down and dirty.

People seem to equate love and marriage with beauty: "You're so pretty...how come you aren't married?" or "Wow, for such a beautiful girl it seems like it'd be easier to find a husband".  Thanks for the compliments folks, but really? I think I'll start saying, "Wow, for such a plain person you sure found a looker to marry you!" or "Holy shit, I can't believe someone actually wanted to marry you with your snaggle tooth and pimple face. Congrats!".

The next thing people bring into my whole "marriage dilemma" is that I'm too liberal. Someone actually told me that if I would "just stop thinking so damn much maybe boys wouldn't feel so intimidated by me and would want to ask me on a date"...Um, really? No, thanks! Maybe it is just a phase (me being liberal), but I like it and I'm not going to change that so I can find a husband.

"If you were active in the church you'd be married by now for sure!"...huh? No I wouldn't. God has nothing to do with marriage. Sure, I might be in a singles ward filled with lots of potential mates but I'd also want to rip my hair or slice myself with a dull blade. So for now it's probably best if I don't do that.

I'm 24 years old people. I still have a long time to "find my eternal companion". I want to see the world, live in a trailer in Death Valley, make new friends, dye my hair pink (again), get a tattoo, live in Hawaii, and cure world hunger before I get married. Trust me, I'm not bored...I'm pretty sure that if you're worried about me finding a husband it's you who are bored. Get a hobby and leave me alone. Thanks and have a great day!

I'll be just fine, you'll see.

sometimes I am a bitch and I can't stop.

I would apologize for my last few posts since I've been pretty bitchy, but I'm not gonna lie I am just being honest. I guess I could just say that even if you fall under any of the past couple of posts (fbook on your big wedding day, can't spell, etc.), I probably still like you even if I pretend that I wouldn't.

And lets clear up something else: I'm really nice sometimes. I care about people and I love being with friends. Just have some common sense and we'll be okay.

5 Things I'm grateful for:
1. A healthy body that allows me to do so many things.
2. Friends and family who love me no matter what I do or think.
3. Sleep. I just love it. No reason.
4. School. I sure complain about it a lot for liking it so much. I should just suck it up and shut up about it.
5. A job. It's not glamorous but it's a job and those are hard to come by in Utah right now.

oh, and one more thing...

Lets get one more thing under control while we're at it..."lose" and "loose" mean completely different things and it's a little embarrassing when you mix them up.

Lost=lose

Not tight=loose

Can you think of any more annoying spelling errors I should be ranting about?

*And yes, I'm being serious when I say that these spelling errors might possibly be the most annoying thing on earth in my book. 

lets just get something straight

 Getting “their”, “they’re”, and "there";  “you’re” and “your”; "to", "too", and "two" mixed up might possibly be the sickest thing on earth. Literally. 


If you don't know how to use these words correctly, don't use them. You look stupid and it annoys the hell out of me. 


I'm pretty sure we learned the meanings and proper uses of these words by the time we were in second grade. Need a refresher?  Check out these worksheets; if you have questions, do ask.

weddings, facebook, and me being a bitch.

Sue me. I'm a bitch; I can admit it.

 Ready...set...CHANGE YOUR STATUS TO MARRIED (30 seconds after gettin' hitched, preferably)!

Okay, so here we go. It really bothers me, dear friends, when you get married (yay! for you and that you found your "eternal companion") and then spend the whole day of  and the week following your wedding on freaking FACEBOOK. We don't care what waterfall you saw today, go have sex or something. Don't update your status every 12 minutes letting us know you married the best dude in the world. I mean, I hope you're happy and all but lets just enjoy your time with your spouse and leave your computer out of it.

Below we see this romantic little devil updating his status during the wedding ceremony. Nothing says true love like letting all the other women on Fbook know he's taken now. Way to be on top of things dude!

While I do admit that I update my status like a mad-woman and I like it. A lot. I am not getting married, nor will I be getting married in the near future, if ever. I am not updating my status on the day that I give it up to someone for the first time, making eternal commitments to God and another human, or traveling the world on a romantic honeymoon. I'm just chillin' in Cedar, probably at work or school. You, my dear newly wed, should be doing something else rather than updating your effing status for the world to see.

Have a good day.

Warm regards,                                              

Jill