And here we go again.

I just wanna stay in bed all day.

On second thought...

After re-reading my last blog post, I realize I sound like an ungrateful bitch....which, perhaps I am.

I guess mostly what I am learning is that life happens. People get sick, sleep doesn't have an on and an off switch, cats shit in a box and can't clean it out themselves, dishes don't do themselves, homework can be tedious and quite time consuming, and people are self-centered.

I am self-centered. The world definitely revolved around me and if it doesn't, I get upset. Isn't that like 2-year-old mentality? I think so. And yet, I still find myself getting upset over petty things that don't go my way.

I am usually too tired to hang out with friends, I never make it to family dinner at my parents house, my house is rarely spotless (if ever), I am horrible at math, I never call my sponsor or do step work, I haven't been to AA in weeks and I suck at math. And yet, I still have all these wonderful people who care about and love me.

This week, I'm going to try to "go with the flow" and just enjoy the moment. I get so caught up in trying to make everything go how I want it to go and then it never does...and even if what actually happened turns out to be great, I'm too busy being upset that it wasn't how I planned it.

Someone wise (who I won't name) would tell me to make a gratitude list, so I will:

• I'm grateful that I have litter boxes. My house would be even more of a nightmare without them...plus, that means I have kitties. 
• I'm grateful I got to sleep yesterday...even if it wasn't at my planned time or amount. 
• I'm grateful that I get to go watch basketball later today with my bestie and my GF. 
• I'm grateful that even though it's cold as %#%# outside right now, it's warm inside the truck stop. 
• I'm grateful that Sof is here for a few days- even if I am a bitch. ha 
• I'm grateful for schoolwork- I can't remember what I did all night at work before I was in school. Man, it sure makes the nights fly by. 
• I'm grateful for my school schedule next semester! I'm taking classes that I think I'll really enjoy- except math. 
• I'm grateful for technology. Even though I think it's a little overboard sometimes- I'm glad I can text my sis and Sof  (who don't live here) anytime. That's neat.

Okay, I'm still not feelin' it but maybe tomorrow will be better. Meow

expectations

As I was getting off work at 7:30am this morning, I was pumped for the day. Today was going to be perfect.

I ran to the store to pick up some groceries before I had school at 9am. Class went well and I enjoyed the discussion. I suppose this only added to my delusional thinking that it would be a good idea to plan my day. I know from a million past experiences that when I plan things, I also set expectations...and when I have expectations, shit goes crazy. And then I do.

Anyway, as I walked into my cat infested, messy as shit house, I soon realized that today might not be exactly how I planned it-- but figured it could be close. I got into my pajamas, tried to sleep for a minute and couldn't fall asleep, so I decided I'd make lunch before my 1pm class instead of after. My GF is here visiting and I thought it'd be fun to actually be able to sit and enjoy lunch together. I woke her up and told her I was making lunch- she said she wasn't hungry and that she didn't feel well.

Damn. I had already started cooking bacon and slicing vegetables, so I decided to continue anyway. I ate lunch alone and tried to take a quick nap before school. When my alarm went off at 12:40 I didn't want to move. Sof convinced me to get up and go- and that was probably the best part of my day. I hate it when I miss school because I'm tired.

After math I came home expecting that my cats magically cleaned their litter boxes and that my house wouldn't smell like shit. That didn't happen, but the dishes were done (thanks Sof).

I planned to sleep after math for a few hours and then wake up and spend time with Sof. Turns out, I slept until I had to get ready for work.

So, instead of a lunch-date and fun-filled evening, I ate alone and slept all day. And now I'm back at work (planning tomorrow).

The funny thing is, I really have been planning tomorrow. You know, when I will sleep and for how long (yeah right....that shit never happens how I plan it), who I'm going to spend time with and at what time, when I will shower, etc. I'm not sure why I repeatedly do this or if it's just a necessary evil: plan things even though you know it won't go the way you want it to go, because if you don't plan at all nothing will get done? I'm not sure.

All I know is that tomorrow can kiss my ass. I'm sleeping all day.

Even though...

Even though I didn't want to come to work tonight, I'm grateful for a job.
Even though pb&j isn't the most glamorous meal in the world, I'm grateful I have food to eat.
Even though my house is tiny and only has outlets in weird places, I'm so grateful it's mine.
Even though my cats pee on everything and make my house a disaster, I'm grateful for them.
Even though I don't get to hang out with my friends as much as I'd like to, I'm grateful that they are always here for me and that they are my friends.
Even though school is kicking my ass, I'm so grateful to be learning and (hopefully) almost done with my Bachelors degree.
Even though I hate math, I'm grateful that my math professor is so rad and that I'm actually learning it this time around.
Even though social theory isn't my cup of tea, I'm grateful that I am going to pass it this semester and I'll never have to take it again. Ever.
Even though psychology isn't my major, I'm grateful that I get to take lots of psych classes (mostly because there is a serious lack of sociology classes offered at SUU).

Even though I have no idea why I'm writing this, I am.

Hope everyone has a good weekend!

Election Day: Over

Finally, the elections are over and the Facebook nonsense can end. I mean, I'm sure it'll only get worse (the Facebook shit) before it gets better...but at least we're on the upward spiral now. Don't get me wrong, I think it's great and wonderful that we live in such a diverse country and that everyone is entitled to their own opinion. And even though I do not support Romney (for very obvious reasons), I can understand why some people do support him. And I can even respect some people who voted for Mitt. The thing I can't understand are the women who voted for Mitt--and especially the women who USE government assistance. I mean, really? Come on, people. Get real. Also, what's with gay folk who support someone who so openly discriminates against them? I will never understand. Ever.


But that's okay, because now I don't have to worry. Obama it is!

Now that that's over I feel much better. Peace out, homies.

Today I'm grateful for my baby sis. Even though we don't live in the same city or talk every day, I know I can always count on her. She's been one of my best friends throughout my life- even through the fighting and biting, and I'm so grateful that she's my sister. 

I could go on for days about all the things that Anne has done for me. 

Thanks for being the best sister in the world, honey. Meowwww. 

day 4: grateful

Today I'm grateful for my girlfriend, Sof. She is seriously one of the best people I know and I feel so lucky to have her in my life. Although I don't get to see her as often as I'd like, and I'm usually emo/tired when I do see her, I'm so grateful for her.

Just tonight I decided I would take a little nap before work. At about 10:40pm Sof called and reminded me to wake up so I wasn't late for work (I was planning to be up at 10pm...). I was still late for work, but if she hadn't called I would still be sleeping.

I'm grateful to be in a normal relationship- you know, one that you care about each other. It's been a while since that happened; it's refreshing.

I got to meet Sof's friends last week and it was lots of fun. I'm excited for her to meet my friends and family (hopefully), too! :)

Oh! And she lets me be a cat lady; she even likes my cats (or pretends to like them and I'm fine with that). Meow.

Gratefulllllllllllll

Today I'm grateful for being back in school. Seriously, I never thought that I'd get to go back since I screwed it up so many times. The entire first year that I was sober I thought I was doomed to a life working at the truck stop, making minimum wage and barely having  enough money to buy cat food and top ramen.

I mean, it's not like I'm rolling in the dough now and it's still been a challenge to be able to work full-time at the truck stop while going to school- I couldn't be more grateful for it.

I am also grateful that my studying is starting to pay off! My grade in social psych just went up from a B- to an A, my math grade is an A, social theory is an A and the class I hate more than anything is a B. I can handle that. Life is good. School is a lot of work but it's good and I'm grateful for it.

Grateful: day 2

I am grateful for my parents today.

My dad is the most kind person I have ever met- he would do anything for anyone. I always remember growing up my dad would be the first to invite random people over for dinner, taking Christmas to families who wouldn't have it otherwise, working multiple jobs to support our family, and coming to all of my events in school and sports no matter how far away they were or what time of day.

My mom and I have had our differences but lately (since I've been sober but especially the past couple of months) it seems like we are able to get along. She is always giving me food, toilet paper, and inviting me over for dinner. My mom is Joey's biggest fan and to me, that makes her golden in my book because who doesn't love good ol' Joe?

The best part is that I know no matter what, my parents love me. They might not agree with everything I do or believe, but at the end of the day I know they will always be there for me and love me. Couldn't ask for anything more.

No Shave November

No shave November. My favorite time of the year. I don't love November for the "no shave" part because I really like shaving, but I love nearly everything else about it.

I love crisp mornings walking to school after a long night at work. It seems to wake me up and helps me feel refreshed. 

I love that I can wear jackets and hoodies. I need to stock up this year. I am running low in that department. 

I love that basketball officially starts in November. So excited to spend my nights at the SUU games with my homies. Aka, April and Joey. 

I love Thanksgiving! I especially love the free Thanksgiving Dinner- this is our 2nd annual dinner and I'm so happy about it. It was so much fun last year and I'm grateful that I get to help do it again. 

I love opening my windows and getting under a few blankets and cuddling with Calv. It's perfect. Now if only I had Sof here, too. :) 

November is going to be great. I can feel it. 

November 1st

I am going to try and update my blog every day with some gratitude for my favorite holiday- Thanksgiving!

Last night I was being a little emo (and by a little, I mean I was extremely emo) and as I was driving home someone sent me some slightly rude messages. Since I was already upset, I didn't respond because I didn't want to be rude back. Today I was still feeling crazy, so I called my friend Mitch and cried to him and he just listened and told me not to worry. Normally, I'm not one to cry to people...and especially not a dude, but Mitch it seriously the best guy. I also got some cute texts and calls from other people who care about me and it really turned into a great day.

So today, I'm grateful that even when I'm being crazy/emo, I have friends who are always here for me and who care about me.

Birthdays

I got to spend time with Sof on her birthday and it was so much fun! All of her friends/family were so nice and it was a really fun night. I was supplied with endless water, diet coke and energy drinks-- I really couldn't have asked for a better night. The bands were really great and it was fun to just hang out and enjoy the night with fun people.

I would go on, but I'll save it for another time. Meow.

18 Months Soberrrrr

Holy smokes- today I've been sober for 18 months! I can hardly even believe time is going by so quickly. It feels like yesterday that I was walking into rehab, not knowing what to expect. I'm so, so grateful that my family helped me get to Horizon House and that once I got there- I actually stayed. It's beyond me why I didn't walk out a million different times. I hated that place at times; I also made some of my best friends and learned so much while I was there.

I have the best sponsor (even if I don't call her enough), my family is awesome, my girlfriend is one of my biggest supports and my friends are all amazing. Thanks to everyone who put up with me before I got sober and has continued to be there for me during the past 18 months. I am just so happy and so grateful.

Wahoooo!

schoolio

• School is going rather well- better than a few weeks ago when I felt like rusty brains. I mean, I'm sure I'm still just as rusty, but I'm getting A's on my Social Theory papers and I'm doing well in math...so I can't really complain about that. Hopefully I can hold on a little longer and get this semester over with. 

• I haven't been "living" at the truck stop like I was for the first month and a half of school and it's been so nice. I've been able to spend quite a lot of time doing things I love, with people that I love. I am working full-time still...just not crazy overtime. It's been very nice-- all except my paychecks..but I'd take the time off any day. 

• I watched the movie "what to expect when you're expecting" last night with my cats. I wasn't expecting it to be great, but I loved it. So funny. And now I want a baby. I've always loved kids but over the last few years I've just accepted that I'll probably never have one and I'm fine with that--up until last night. Now I think I need a baby. ha ha 

• Today there were lots of Halloween parties- instead of going, I hung out with April and then Joey. Way more fun. I'm not a fan of dressing up to go do nothing....I mean, really, that's sorta lame. 

• I really need to start writing more exciting things....or maybe if my life were a little more exciting I'd have more to write about. Oh well, I'm sure in 10 years I'll enjoy reading this. 

Today was such a good day. I slept in because my first class was just a review for the test on Tuesday and he gives up a study guide- so there's no point to go listen to his read the questions to me. Then I woke up, had time to actually shower and go to math- in real clothes. Second time this semester that I wore real clothes to math. The good news, the professor never showed up for class and the power in the whole city went out so we all left school.

Instead of being a hermit, I went and played cards with my grandparents. It was nice to see them and I'm glad I got to hang with them for a couple of hours. They really crack me up.

Then I got a niceeee nap in and a cruise with April before work. Once I got to work I got to talk to my sis for a long time on the phone which was nice. I don't talk to her enough.

And now I'm watching all the episodes of Season two of New Girl. Best show ever. And funniest. I love it so much. If Grey's Anatomy and New Girl were the only shows on TV right now, I'd be fine.

And the best part of today is that it's actually my Friday. I don't have to work tomorrow and I couldn't be more excited! :)

My period started. Thank God. Now at least I know why I'm being irrational and emo. I mean, at least I have an excuse now anyway.

The extra litter boxes I added around the house for Calv are working. He isn't peeing on everything currently and I'm glad about it. I mean, it sucks cleaning more than one litter box a day, but it sure beats cleaning piss off the floor all the time. Crazy cat.

I also got some extra boxes from work and make him a little "Cat cave". I like it more than he does and he has yet to actually sleep in it. He does enjoy chewing on the cardboard, though. So it's all good. ha

My life is sooo cool. Obviously.

Hormones can suck it.

I hate crying. I hate crying even more when I'm at the truck stop. I feel so awkward and lame when I cry and then add random truckers asking what dude they need to kill. I mean, it's sweet of them...I just don't like it.

For the most part I think I'm okay with my past and usually I am okay with it- then days like today happen and I get to relive it and then I freak out a little. Thank goodness Sof is so sweet and just listened to me cry via phone even though she has to wake up early for school.

Moral of the story: I'm going to start my period in the very near future and I'm hormonal, missing Sof, and overall crazy. Hopefully I'll be "normal" soon. :)

This post goes out to my only reader, whether it's by pity or not, Ashlee Adkins.

Hi!

You're great. You should update me on your life.

K, thanks.

Bye!

shoulda, woulda, didn't.

I had big plans for "fall break"- and the only noteworthy thing I did was when I got to see Sof. Other than that, besides work, I haven't really done much. I'm okay with it but it's a little depressing that today is my last day off from work and school. I guess that's life.

On a positive note, I bought not one, but two more litter boxes for my crazy ass cat. Hopefully he'll like them and start peeing in them instead of randomly around my house. That would be neat. He is being so crazy lately and it's making me a little crazy.

Well, it's almost 5am and I'm not at work ...and I'm not really sure why I'm awake. I am missing Sof like crazy and just wish she could be here. I know that's not realistic, but a girl can dream. Someday.

Goooooodnight, to anyone who actually reads this stupid blog. ha

puffy eyes

Every night/day/morning when I go to sleep I feel fine. When I wake up my eyes are glued shut and I have puffy eyes. Everyone says it's because I'm allergic to Calv but I've had him for a year and this has only been happening for a few weeks. So perhaps I am now magically allergic to my baby but I doubt it. And even if I am, I wouldn't put him outside anyway.

I've listened to the Perks of Being a Wallflower soundtrack on repeat for 2 days and I love it. So good.

I'm wearing some pants I bought while I was with Sof over the weekend. The look dorky, but I like them anyway. Same with my new shoes- probably not very fashionable, but I'm comfortable and it meets the "dress code" for work.

I got so much sleep before work. I don't even know what to think. I mean, I'm still tired, but I feel lots better tonight than I did last night. Plus, my mom made me dinner. Nom nom

I miss Sof like crazy- good thing she doesn't live too far away. But it still sucks.

April's ex-boyfriend had a baby and got married to someone who looks like could be his mom. I got pictures and I'm excited to show her in the morning. BAHAHA...I love seeing pictures of exes (mine and otherwise)-- most of them are pretty comical, to say the least. Boy are we lucky to be with the people we're with today, eh April? :)

I was gonna have a "craft" day tomorrow all day-- but instead I think I'll sleep. Sounds much better and I don't really have anything in particular I wanna craft anyway.

My blog is a shit show- and I don't care. Don't read it if you don't wanna.

K bye!

Grateful

I'm tired but I'm happy. And I'm grateful. For lots of stuff. 

• While I was visiting Sof, I got 3 or 4 new pairs of pants and got them all for veryyy good deals. I'm glad because the only two pairs of jeans I own now have holes in the crotch. So hot. 
• Sof got me some cute shoes (she doesn't like them)- and I love them. 
• I get to sleep today. All day. I hope. 
• Calv- he was so cuddly when I got home tonight before coming into work. I love it when we get to cuddle because he's not being hyper and crazy. 
• I get to live alone (no roomies) and I can walk around naked anytime I want. And I like that. A lot. Plus, I rarely have dishes because I don't use them these days. 
• While I was with Sof (even though I was kind of a bitch about it) we went to Petland and it was so cute. So many cute puppies and kittens. OMG. And they had a dog stroller that I want to get for Calv. 
• I can't get over how good The Perks of Being a Wallflower is- and how much I want to see it again. Thanks Sof for taking me to see it. Best date ever. 
• We ate In N Out. Yummmm. 
• We also ate at The Omlet House. I love that place. 
• Energy drinks. I know I say this all too often, but holy shit...I'd be dead without them. 
• No school on Monday or Tuesday. I am beyond grateful for this. 
• I get to go home in one hour. That's great news. 
• I'm grateful for my fam. They really are so great. 
• I'm grateful that Sof doesn't hate me for being awkward. I met her step-dad and his girlfriend. They were both very nice and even though I felt awk (like always).. I guess it wasn't so bad. Now to meet her dad and step-mom....my anxiety is building. haha
• Chapstick. I don't think I could live without it. Furreal. 
• My sibs. All so different, interesting and rad. 
• My professors. I feel like all of them (even the really boring one) really cares about what they do and about the students. Maybe they don't...but as long as I feel like they do- who cares?
• No snow yet. Best thing ever. 
• This was a weird grateful list..but whatever. 

The Perks of being a Wallflower

Last night I got to spend some time with my girlfriend and we went and saw The Perks of being a Wallflower. I was so excited to see it and I didn't know if it would live up to my expectations; it didn't...it exceeded them by a million times. I seriously loved every second. I cried my eyes out, laughed more than I should ever laugh in a public place and wanted it to keep going forever. Best movie I've ever seen, or at least in a realllllly long time.

Can't wait to buy it! :)

Oh, and my weekend has been lovely. I had Friday night off so I made good use of it. Now I'm back at work and ready to roll. I don't have school on Monday or Tuesday, so hopefully I can clean the shit outta my house and get ready for the next week.

Early morning ramblings

I didn't work last night and I woke up at 4:30am- after trying to sleep for the last 3 hours I decided that I might as well wake up and dye my hair. One less thing to do later today. One more night of work and then I get a mini-vacation. So stoked.

I need to get a professional photographer to photograph Calv. I mean really, who wouldn't want to take pictures of such an adorable little guy? ha

I got 100% on my math test. First time in my life. Hopefully I can pass the class and move on with life.  My math professor is pretty awesome and I'm glad that I randomly picked such a good one. Bad math teachers are the pits.

Joey has called me the past two mornings before I call him. Weird because for the last year and a half, I've called him nearly every morning. It's nice to have him call me first. I love that kid so much.

Last night I was thinking about all the cool people that I know and how lucky I am to have such great friends and family. Even though I'm a tired bitch almost all the time, they still love me and want to hang out with me. ha ha...and trust me, that's saying something. April made me get out of bed last night and I'm glad she did. With school full-time and working more than full-time usually, it's nice to have a break.

I don't have school on Monday or Tuesday coming up and I couldn't be more excited for some crafternoons. Seriously, so stoked. I have lots of ideas. I've started lots of the projects but had very little time to complete them. Hopefully I won't have too much homework so that I can actually work on the stuff I want to do!

My classes are all going really well. I hate my adolescent psychology class, which is a little surprising. I don't necessarily hate the content, but I hate the teaching method that the professor uses....AKA, he doesn't have one and he's sort of lame. He doesn't really have a passion for teaching.....or adolescent psychology and he makes that pretty obvious. My favorite class is social psychology- for both the content and the professor. He is brilliant- and his teaching method is one that I can relate to and not get bored...even in a 3 hour class!

I got some new shoes yesterday. My first non-flip flops of the year. And one of like 3 real pair of shoes that I own. I really love them, although I'm afraid that even though they aren't flip flops, they aren't really winter shoes. Damn. I hate shoes. Guess I need to go shopping this weekend since it's supposed to snow real soon.

Life is good- even at 27, being an undergrad and working at the truck stop. Could be worse. I'm still weighing all of my options in regard to grad school- where, when, what..you know, all that good stuff. Part of me wants try and find a decent job and just start paying down my student loans for a couple of years and the other part of me thinks that if I don't just go to grad school right now, I never will. I guess it's not the most important thing. Yes, I'd love to go to grad school and it would be a great experience but if I can do what I love without going I don't know why I would go...We'll see. I have a little while to figure that out.

Even though life is a little bit insane right now, I've never been happier. I just have to keep reminding myself that this is exactly what I want and where I need to be-- when I sit down and think about it, life really couldn't be better right now. 

I made the coolest thing today. I'll post it when I can (after it gets given to someone for their birthday). 

Now I get to math it up. Bye!

Lucky

I am pretty lucky.
I have a rad family, the coolest friends & the sweetest girlfriend.
I'm in school- learning about stuff I care about to get a job that will allow me to help others.
I currently have a job- and even though I'm not particularly fond of it, it pays my bills and it's been good to me. My boss is rad, my co-workers bake me food and bring it to me in the middle of the night, and when I'm sick the cover my shifts. They also give me all their hours- so I can have a bigger paycheck.
I have two of the worlds cutest cats, a car to drive, and my house is warm.
I have food in my cupboards and sometimes people doorbell ditch me and leave treats on my porch (who are you?).

I am currently a little obsessed with finding deals on Ebay. I should probably just deactivate my account, but I can't help it.
I feel like I should not be 27-- where did the last 10 years go?
I like decorating/crafting/painting etc. I might not be the best at it but I like it, so whatever.
Even though I spend 80% of my life at work and 10% at school- the other 10% has been quite fun lately. I love surprise visits from friends and especially my girlfriend.
Ice water, blue monster, and diet coke are what keeps me awake all hours of the night and into the day.
I'm usually pretty emo, especially when it's been 3 days since I have had any real sleep. I can be kind of a bitch, but I don't mean it.
Last night Britt brought me delicious pumpkin cookies and today April brought me dinner. My friends are seriously cool. And obviously very kind.


Sometimes I only see how "hard" my life is...or how much I would rather be sleeping. And then I remember all of this stuff and it makes it all worth it. Someday I'll have a real job and sleep at night...at least I hope.

I have a lot to look forward to right now-- but I'm also learning to enjoy the moment. Right now, life is pretty okay. And I'm happier than I have been in years.

zits

Okay, so I don't think I had acne as a teen-- and if I did it obviously didn't bother me since I don't remember. So then tell me why I have acne right now and I'm 27?

For real though. It's getting worse and worse. I can't really afford to go to the dermatologist and last time I went they didn't help anyway. How can I stop this nonsense and start looking like I'm an adult and not a 12-year-old-pre-pubescent teen? HELP!

doubles and homework

• I've been coming into work a few hours early most nights, making my 8.5 hour shift into 11 or 12 hour shifts. Somehow I seem to forget how miserable working for 12 hours and then going to school for 6 hours can be--and I repeat it. Some of it isn't by choice, obviously. I need a job and I actually need the extra hours. I just wish I had a sugar daddy. Or something cool like that. 
• I took my social psych exam on Tuesday and since we only meet once a week and the professor was sick one week (and we missed a chapter) I get to do a "take home exam" for extra credit. It's going to take my whole weekend, but at least I'll get paid to do it at work, I guess. 
• I have so many things I want to craft/decorate/make/color on- so today after my math test I got out all my crafting stuff with the high hopes of getting a few minutes of craft time in. After I got it all out- I didn't want to do it anymore and wrote my social theory paper instead. Smart move, since it's due in 6 hours. I miss the carefree days of crafting and cuddling with my Calv. 
• Speaking of Calv...everyday when I leave for work/school/anything I just hate to leave Calvie. He follows me around everywhere I go at home and I just feel bad for leaving him. I know he probably just sleeps, eats and poops the entire time I'm gone, but I sure hate leaving. It's nice to have someone love me/be obsessed with me like Calv is...ha
• It snowed. Tonight. Just barely at work. I have picture proof. Gross. I hate snow.
• "Fall break" at school is coming up and I couldn't be more ready. I think I'm going to take a snow day for myself tomorrow. I mean, probably not- but I want to so much. Just talking about it makes me so happy. I could use a good 12 hour nap before I come back to work tomorrow. 
• Just now a trucker came in and said he needed someone to jump his personal car (which was parked across the street--too far for me to leave and go over there)--he asked if he could take my truck. I had never seen the man in my life but decided that even if he stole it, I could probably get a new one. I gave him my keys and off he went. About ten minutes later I have my truck back and my gas tank went from empty to half. People are pretty cool.

So...besides the snow:

Life is good. Basketball starts this month, I get to see Sof, and I get a few days off from school. I think I'll live...

Happiness is...

• missing math 2 days in a row and still being able to catch on. 
• sleeping in and missing the most boring class of my life. 
• cuddling with Calv which he snores up a storm. 
• getting a random Friday off next week so I can see my gf! 
• working extra hours whilst getting paid to do math. hours and hours of math. 
• climbing into a clean bed, after a warm shower, after not sleeping for 36 hours. best.thing.ever.
• getting to talk to Joey every morning before he goes to school. 
• getting cute text messages. 
• cleaning the shit outta my house and then just being able to relax and enjoy it. 
• listening to music while getting ready. 
• freshly shaven legs, lotion, and sweats. 
• pedicures. too bad i'm too poor to get one! 
• talking to good friends who I haven't spoken to in a while. 
• better yet...running in to old friends and just catching up (usually at wal-mart or the truck stop)..livin' the dream. 
• sippin' on ice water, diet coke, or blue monster while cruising around
• studying my ass off for my social psych exam and feeling like i did well. guess we'll find out on Tuesday. here's to hoping!
• being busy--but still taking time for myself. 
• playing planet moolah at the sun coast. so old. 
• moving on from people (person) i didn't think i'd ever be able to get over. :]
• hoodies, hot chocolate, and good books. 
• no snow. not yet anyway!
• my family. immediate, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc. i really do have a wonderful family. 
• being sober and not having to have a drink in order to be happy...or function. that's neat. 

perfection

Today started out to be a shit show--you know, before the day even started when I was getting off of work at 7am. I could just feel that today wasn't going to be my day. Most Monday's aren't actually "my day". I'm usually so exhausted from the weekend and then working before school, that by the time I actually get to school I just want to cry. 

Today was different. 

As I got to the school an hour before my 9am class so I could continue to study for an important exam tomorrow, I just had this rush of happiness. I'm not sure why or what happened, but I just sat in the classroom by myself and enjoyed the moment. As I was sitting there I couldn't help but think about all the things that have happened over the course of the last 18 months; I couldn't be happier with how things are turning out. Life, although far from perfect, is pretty awesome right now.

Today I'm grateful for so much-- so I will just name a few from today/recently:

• I got the cutest video of Scout playing with her crazy cat lady birthday card I gave her. It makes really awful cat noises; she loves it...Tia does not. I love that kid. 
• Calv, even though I want to murder him sometimes when he pees everywhere, is so cuddly and cute today. He hasn't left my side since I've been home. Plus, he's not peeing anywhere right now and he isn't meowing his brains out to go outside. I really do love him so much.
• I got an 'A' on my latest social theory critical essay. I was surprised because I haven't been doing as well in that class as I would like--I got a 'B+' on my last paper (which I thought was one of my better papers)...so today when I saw the 'A', I was relieved and excited. I really do enjoy that class- it's just over my head sometimes. 
• I cleaned the shit out of my kitchen. I'm talking get-down-on-my-hands-and-feet, scrub the shit out of it, clean. With the cats, it's hard to keep anything clean for long--so I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts! Now if only I had the motivation to clean the rest of my house. 
• I'm burning incense, listening to music and getting ready to study for my exam and perhaps write my social theory essay. I love it when I get to do my homework at my house, rather than at work....although, it is pretty nice to get paid to do homework!
• The weather is literally perfect. I love fall. Sometimes I forget how much I love it because I dread winter so much. But if it could stay fall all year round, I'd be a happy camper!
• Took (another) family picture yesterday. Joey is obviously the highlight of our family, as he laid across our laps. What a funny dude. I love that kid so much. I'm so grateful that I get to talk to him every morning before he goes off to school.
• So grateful for my family. I don't see them as often as I'd like, but I sure do love them. Same goes for my friends. I feel like I don't see the people I love very often, but they all mean so much to me. I'm also grateful for a really wonderful, supportive girlfriend. I really couldn't ask for better people in my life. 

So, even the days that start out shitty can turn out to be pretty great. I just need to remember that even though I'm always tired, usually bitchy, and never have enough time, that this will all be worth it. I know that but sometimes it doesn't feel like it. So thanks to everyone who puts up with me even when I'm a hot mess (more often than not). 

Worn out from the weekend

Aren't weekends suppose to be relaxing? Sheesh. I feel like I can never catch a break long enough to sleep for 7 hours in a row. Oh well, at least it was a fun weekend.

• got to go on a baby road trip to see my gf- it was so nice to just spend a little (very little) time with her. 
• Scout's birthday party was fabulous. it was fun to see her having so much fun. plus she made out with like 10 Lalaloopsy (?) dolls, a bike, roller skates, and lots of socks. ;) That kid is seriously adorable and I'm happy I got to help celebrate her 4th birthday. 
• got to spend a little time with my bestie before the b-day party. 
• took a family pic (another one) on grandma's couch. 
• slept for 3 hours and now i'm at work

Monday's are my "bitch" days. I seriously get so tired that I just want to cry--and usually do cry. And then I'm an overly emotional bitch and go to bed at 3pm- resulting in waking up at 1am--which makes for an extra long Tuesday. It's a never ending cycle of bitch and it just so happens that Monday's are my breaking point. If only school didn't exist on this day...If only. 

24 hours

One of my most favorite things to do is drive-- and naturally, I love going on road trips. Lately, though, it seems my road trips are much shorter than I would like but still make for a very enjoyable time. On Friday evening I drove to my girlfriends house- hung out for 16 hours and came home. It was one of the best days I have ever had. We didn't do anything spectacular- just hung out. 

I got to see her house, which I fell in love with. Everything about it was so perfect and charming. And beautiful. I seriously want it. Bad. I took pictures, but they don't do it justice. I just walked around and looked at everything because I just couldn't even handle how amazing it was. I can't wait to go back. 

Since I got there late and she was working late, we just went for a drive and listened to music. She showed me some of her favorite places and we just talked and laughed. It was simple and amazing. 

The next morning we went to breakfast at a cute little diner. It was eccentric and delish. I had a BLT and potato spuds (heavenly). After that we went on another drive and she showed me the bars her step-dad owns. Seriously, why didn't I know of any cool bars when I was drinking?! I got ripped off. Oh well, at least I remember these bars and could actually drive away from them. 

That afternoon Sof had to go back to work and I needed to come home (because my baby Calv needs me). It was a short, fun, simple trip and I'm so glad I got to go. I usually don't get Friday nights off work and for some random reason, I had it off--so glad I got to go see Sof's house and just get out of Cedar for a minute. 

Tomorrow is party time! Scout is turning 4 in a couple of days and tomorrow we're celebrating at the park! Plus, my baby sis is in town. Now if only work would hurry and be over. :) 

Rusty Brains

School is essentially kicking my ass. I feel like I've studied more this semester than I have in my entire life/put more work into school than ever before and it seems like I'm not doing as well as I have in the past, with minimal effort.

The last semester I actually attended school was Spring 2010- and I did very well. Besides that, I was drinking in my car before class, had a water bottle of vodka with me in class and spent most weekends in Mesquite and Vegas partying. I didn't exactly have a lot of time dedicated to studying- although somehow I managed to complete my homework, finished a major research project and got all A's and a B.

Now I'm sober, dedicating most of my free time to studying and feel like I'm doing worse than before. How is this even possible? Not sure, but it's buggin'.

I enjoy all of my classes, aside from Adolescent Development...and that's because the professor is a little off his rocker, to say the least. My social theory class and social psychology are the most challenging for me and have required a lot of my time-- and yet I still feel like I could spend every hour of every day studying and it wouldn't be enough time to grasp everything I need to learn.

How do people do this in real life?

On Being Sick:

Life doesn't stop when I'm sick anymore. Damn. Sometimes I miss the days that even when I pretended to be sick, life would stop or even just slow down a little. This week has proven to me that real life never stops--even when I'm sicker than shit.

To prove my theory, I missed one day of work (thanks to wonderful co-workers who stayed long hours) and now I'll be short on my paycheck. This wouldn't matter except that I have bills to pay. I also missed more class than I care to admit. I managed to take 3 exams --don't even wanna know how I did on them, write a couple of papers, and turn in a few assignments.  I also missed a few assignments (I'm hoping they won't ruin my grade) and slept a little longer than I would have liked.

Now that I'm not-so-sick-I-might-die, but rather, I'm sick but dealing with it...I have a lot to catch up on. I hate that part of being sick. The part where you still feel like shit and have to start catching up on everything you missed anyway.

I think it's about time I make a gratitude list because I'm feeling rather "blah":

• my dad brought me medicine when i was at my worst
• sof for cleaning my house while she was here for less than 12 hours on her way to SLC
• my kitties for cuddling me the whole times i was sleeping (3 days total)
• my co-workers for taking my tuesday night shift. i think i would have died, seriously. thanks guys. 
• fall weather. i love this time of year. so perfect. 
• i got a B on my Durkheim paper..the one i thought i'd get an F on..that's cool. 
• i have a math test and a theory paper due tomorrow-- so glad i feel a little more function for that. 
• water. is. divine. 
• cough drops, emergenC and dayquil are my 3 favorite things right now. 
• shrimp tacos from Del Taco. Yum 
• planning a trip to see Sof for her birthday in a month or so. so excited. 
• being ignorant..sometimes I like not knowing the date or time of day...ever. it's kinda nice. haha
• the weekend is so close i can taste it. while this doesn't necessarily mean i get a real break, i get a break from school and i can finally sleep more than normal. 
• i get to see sof on saturday night after work for a few hours. i am beyond excited.
• ben folds five is rocking my world. all day, every day. thanks boys ;)
• i'm in school, i have a job, and i live by myself. life is good. 

here's to a kickass weekend and a good week next week! 

Grateful: (because today I need to remember this shit)

• to have a job that pays my bills and that i can do homework while i'm here
• to be in school again so that  i won't have to work at the above job for life. i hope.
• for my family. they took me to dinner for a late b-day party tonight. they're fun. 
• for my house. i really do love where i live and i think it's pretty cute. 
• my cats. seriously, even though calv is going through his "teenage" years right now..i don't know what i'd do without him. i love him so much. gretch is fine, too. 
• my friends. even though i'm pretty anti-social, especially now that i'm in school and i don't see them as often as i'd like, i really do love and appreciate all of them. 
• my girlfriend. she's the sweetest. and she puts up with me. even on days like today when i'm a huge bitch for no reason at all. 
• my phone. even though usually i just want to throw it at the wall and ignore everyone...i am grateful to have it. if only it didn't also double as my alarm clock. gag. 
• the weather right now is my favorite. i absolutely love fall. yummm. 
• energy drinks. without them, i swear i'd be dead right now. 
• tide pods. seriously, best invention of my life. if you haven't used them, do it. 
• de-cluttering. i took a loveseat and a huge chair to the dump today (well, my dad did it for me). my house looks so empty--but in a good way. 
• sleep when i get it. oh my goodness, i always feel so much better after i get 7 hours in a row. i should try and do that more often. 
• fruit. i went on a fruit kick this week: apples, oranges, peaches, grapes and pears. yum. 

I still don't feel better but at least I know I have a lot going for me. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. I blame hormones and lack of sleep. :)

black feet, crochet youtube and ben folds

I have a million things to do, so why not post on my blog instead? 

My feet are so black. My flip flops make them so gross and I don't even care. I figure, I'm at a truck stop all hours of the night so it probably won't matter. I should do something about it...Perhaps a pedicure is in my future. Doubtful, but maybe. 

Since I suck at crocheting, I watched like 10 youtube videos on it. Of course I didn't bring yarn or a crochet hook so it was pretty pointless, but it did do its job of distracting me from homework. Most of the ladies that post youtube crochet tutorials seem like bitches. They go super fast and act like you're dumb if you don't know what they're talking about. Someday I hope I'm that lady. But I'll add character to the video by letting my cats be in it, too. 

The new Ben Folds Five album is amazing. I haven't been as into Ben lately, but this just did it for me. I seriously love him so much. I want to have his babies someday. But really, he is adorable and brilliant. I will see them when they come to the west coast in the spring/summer of 2013. Trent, Britt and Enna better be ready. 

Also, I got an 'A' on my Marx essay. Yessssss. Now I just wait until Monday to find out how poorly I did on Durkheim. I mean, it's no surprise really..I already know I slaughtered it and failed miserably. Good thing about that class is that the professor drops our lowest score. I'm hoping that I don't suck it up like I did on that one again. School is going really well and I am so grateful that I got to go back. My tired/bitchiness level varies greatly on the day and today (Saturday) seems like a good day to be happy. 

in the middle of a 13 hour shift.

My life is pure chaos. I had class from 8:30am-3pm today- and then came to work at 6pm and I'm here until 7:30am. I wrote the most horrible paper I've ever written and I get to go talk about it at 9am (after not sleeping for 36 hours). I'm sure my life could be worse, but it feels pretty shitty right about now. Mostly I'm tired and my stomach hurts. I need a sugar daddy.

I can do anything for 5 minutes

My lyfe on this lovely Wednesday:

• work til 7:30am (been here since 8pm on Tuesday)
• class at 9am until 2pm
• homework
• thinking about going on a run...even though i can't run. 
• more homework
• WOW Wednesday with April 
• more homework
• go to bed at 8pm (in my dreams)

But for real, I don't think I have ever been this tired for this long of a period in my life. And it's not going to get better for at least a year and a half. Good thing I can do anything for "5 minutes" is in my head constantly. I have a lot more 5 minutes to go, but it'll be worth it. I'm not sure where I heard that saying- "I can do anything for (insert amount of time)", but I love it. And I use it all the time. 

So today, I'm saying I can do anything for 30 seconds or I'll probably have a meltdown while reading Durkheim for the 12th hour. 

In happy news, I think I did well on my social psychology exam. I mean, I haven't seen the results but I feel like I knew most of what was going on--and that was surprising. And I'm all caught up in all my other classes (or ahead). This semester is going to be good. I can feel it. 

I am so tired and worn out it's unbelievable. I didn't want to leave my bed today, but I did. Aren't Sunday's supposed to be a day of rest? Seriously? I wish.

Seems like my weekends are busier or just as crazy as during the week. Not okay. I literally might cry any second because I am so tired. I feel like I get 2 hour naps and not nearly often enough to stay sane much longer. On top of it, with Thanksgiving and Christmas coming up I know I'll only be getting busier.

I'm ready to throw in the towel and just be a lifer at the truck stop.

Okay, not really...but I'm getting close. Someone give me a nap and a back rub.

School will be there death of me, if work doesn't beat it.

I'm pooped.

but today was a good day. I got to play with some cute kids, relax with Calv in my bed this morning before school, and I got my homework done. Now to study for tests and shiz next week.

12 more weeks of school, ya'll.

Hormones and stuff

I don't know what's wrong with me the past few days---months, years, whatever... I feel so crazy right now--sometimes in a good way and sometimes in a not-so-good way. I won't go into the "bad" way right now because then I'll just feel even crazier.

The benefit concert on Friday was good. At first I was bummed that it seemed like not many people showed up--people who had committed to showing up, even. But then I found out how much we made and I felt much better about it. Mostly I'm glad that Tia and her kids came and seemed to enjoy themselves. I love them so much.

Just now, a trucker who I have a pretty decent relationship with came in and asked if I have ever been to Off the Cuff. I told him yes, and that I was there on Friday before Off the Cuff for a concert. He said he was too. I asked if he knew Tyler (who the concert was for) and he said, "no, I just went for support because I saw the flyer hanging up out here." I almost started crying (because I'm crazy and hormonal) and told him thanks for coming. I don't know how I didn't see him-probably because I was dancing around with Scout--but I am so touched that someone who had no reason to be there, was there just to help out.

My faith in humanity gets a little stronger every day. Today, despite the "bad" crazy, is a good day and I'm grateful for people.

And since I'm in social theory right now, I definitely agree with Marx---people are good.

Tonight as I was sitting as work, one of the sheriffs (who I happen to give a lot of shit for hanging out all night at the truck stop) came in and asked if I knew I had a flat tire. I didn't believe him, so I went and looked...sure enough, flat as can be. He went out and pumped his gas and I was just going to call my dad in the morning to have him come help me. Yes, I have been shown how to change a tired multiple times. Could I actually do it? No. Do I want to be able to do it? Not really.

Anyway, the sheriff asked if I had a spare tire. I had no idea-- so he looked and luckily I had one. He put my spare tire on and when I tried to pay him (not much), he declined.

1. I'm grateful to live in a small town.
2. I'm grateful for kind people.
3. I'm grateful that even if I'm a bitch sometimes, people are generally good.

Lesson learned: don't be a bitch to the sheriffs. Or anyone, really. ha

Birthday number 27

I turned 27 a couple of days ago. Weird. I had a really good day-- School from 8:30am-8:30pm and then worked a grave that night--but it was a good day. 

Sof gave me some really thoughtful gifts and surprised me with a visit. It was really sweet and I'm so glad that she's in my life. April also gave me a really rad gift. I got to have lunch with my dad- and he gave me some birthday money. I got some phone calls and texts, too. That was nice. I have the best friends and family. 

Although I wasn't thrilled about getting older, my birthday was pretty great. 

No Sleep

School has been in for 2 weeks already! I feel unbelievably tired and so unorganized that it makes me want to give up. At least once a day I feel like I just can't do it---and then I remember how much I want this and how many people have helped me get here. The school part isn't the part that's killing me, either. School is actually going really well....and yes, I know that school in the 2nd week isn't very difficult, so I'm sure that'll get more intense. But for now, it's golden.

The part that's killing me is trying to keep up with everything else. Like work, for instance. Work and I have a love/hate relationship. For the past year I have worked my ass off in order to get my own apartment, everything in the apartment, pay off bills, pay current bills and do tons of fun shit. And I didn't mind working all the time because I didn't really have much else going on. Now that I'm in school full-time and trying to work full-time, most days I'd rather die than go to work. It's not that I hate my job, I just hate not sleeping.

On Wednesday morning when I got home from work at 7:30am, after not sleeping since Monday night, I was on the verge of a breakdown. I chose to miss my 9am class to sleep until noon. My goal was to not miss one class the whole semester---but I just couldn't do it. I figured it'd be better to miss one class than to drop out of school because I was in the psych ward or something. ha

So now I'm left to figure out how to make this work. Part of this is self-inflicted and part of it is unavoidable-- so for the part that I can actually change, it's gonna take some work. For the other part (the one I really don't have control over- aka working), I need a sugar daddy.

On the days where I got sleep the day before I feel great--and even on the other days, I feel very lucky to be able to have a job and be in school. I know a lot of people who would like to be able to go to school and I have been wanting/working for this for a year now...and now that it's here, I realized it's a lot of work. Sometimes I just need to remind myself why I'm going to school and how good it'll be when I finish at SUU. It's been 8+ years in the making and I'm very glad for a chance to finally finish.

In the midst of all this, I'm looking at grad schools, finding out what I need to do to be accepted into said programs, and deciding whether or not to take the GRE. The thought of going to grad school scares me and also excites me! There are some really awesome programs that I'm looking at and if all goes well, I'll start applying next semester/summer.

Today's outlook for sleep: zero. Once I get off work at 7:30am, I head to school until 2pm and then tonight is the benefit concert I've been planning for a month. But then I get to relax with one of my favorite people all day on Saturday.

Life is good-- I just need more sleep. Maybe when I die, right?

one more post before I'm an old maid...literally.

It's Labor Day Weekend and I don't have school tomorrow, so I figured I can justify blogging a little more. On Tuesday I turn 27 years old. How gross is that? I've been freaking out since the day after my birthday last year and now it's finally here. I don't remember many of the birthdays in the last ten years and I'm sure this one will fade just as quickly. For some reason, though, 27 seems awfully old and even older compared to things I have or haven't accomplished. 

This year my favorite memories (yes, this is to help me feel a little better about getting old) are as follows: 

• Last year on my birthday I was lucky enough to be able to go to Texas. I'm not sure how I managed to do that since I had been out of rehab just a little over a month--but I'm so glad that I did. It was fun to see a new place and enjoy it sober--I wish I could travel more. Someday. 
• Community Thanksgiving Dinner. It was so much fun to be able to hang out with tons of amazing people on Thanksgiving...and of course I brought cards and carried on the tradition that my family has. 
• Sub4Santa-- I can't even describe how awesome it was to be a part of this. We intended to help 4 families, but as it turned out, we helped many more. Lots of amazing things happened and it was so cool to be a part of it. 
• Talking to or seeing Joey everyday. I love that kid so much and I'm lucky that he lives so close. One of my favorite things is to call him early every morning and just say hello. 
• Getting my own apartment. When I first moved in it was just me, then I got a roomie, and now it's just me and the cats. I am really lucky to be able to have my own place. 
• Getting Calvin. I'm not sure if the day we got Calv would qualify as a "favorite" memory because I was skeptical and didn't like cats. Turns out, Calv is definitely my favorite thing ever. I really don't know what I would have done over the last year without him!
• I got to go to TONS of basketball games. 
• Went to Lagoon a few times with my best friend. I love spur of the moment road trips.
• I applied to SUU, got re-admitted, was awarded financial aid and am now back in school. I'm not sure why it worked out this year, rather than last, but I am so grateful. I definitely owe a lot of people more than I could ever repay and am so grateful everyday that I get this opportunity. 
• I celebrated one year of sobriety on April 29! I honestly never thought I would see that day and it seems like a dream sometimes. I am so lucky to have been able to go to rehab. 
• I'm dating again. Weird but so much fun. I feel so lucky to have the coolest (and lots of other things that I don't feel the need to blog about on here right now) girlfriend. 
• I can't think of any other "big" things that happened-- but there are so many little things that I'll never forget. I am so grateful to all the wonderful people in my life. I have the best support system in the world and I don't know how I got so lucky. A year ago, fresh out of rehab, I had lots of "dreams" that I never thought would actually come true...turns out, they have and continue to get better! I can't even begin to describe how incredibly happy I am right now. Life is really the best it's ever been and it just keeps getting better. 

So, even though I'm being a baby about turning 27, I am also a tiny bit excited to see what life will bring over the next year. Even if life isn't half as wonderful as it was over the last year, I'll still be sitting pretty good. 

Thanks to all my friends and family for helping to make this last year a great one and here's to another great year ahead. Today, as I was talking to one of the people that I respect the most in the whole world, I remembered that life really is fragile and it's important to do the things we want to do now. Don't wait, just do it. 

my last post for a while

Well, the second day of school ended hours ago. So far, I love it. I love learning and I love doing the work--however, school is already kicking my graveyard working ass. It's 3am and I feel like I might die...and I get to go to school instead of bed when I get off work in 4 1/2 hours. It's good though. Really, really good. I love it.

I don't think there has ever been a semester where I was this excited about all of my classes. I did drop one class because 18 credits was a little overwhelming with working full-time--I plan to take it next semester because the professor is awesome! I even like my math professor--and that's saying something.

I have a lot to be grateful for and even though I'm a tired, grouchy, bitch most days-- I feel very lucky to be where I am today.

So for now, I'm off to study land.

16 months sober!

WAhooooo!

last night being a bum

Tonight is it. Tonight is the last night of me working, sleeping and playing. In 9 hours I start school again--and I'll be working until that happens. I can't even believe that everything worked out and that I'm actually going to be starting school in the morning. It seems like a dream, which I'm sure at some point will seem more like a nightmare. But I'm really grateful for this dream/nightmare/experience...whatever it is, I'm so happy about it.

I'm going to be a busy lady- working my normal 42.5 hours a week and 18 credits in school. I can't say that I'll be bored. I'm really excited for most of my classes. Here's my sched in case anyone wants to stalk me:

• Social Theory- gag (But...since my major is sociology, I guess that's what I signed up for...) 
• Math- double gag. (I also have to do this in order to graduate. Poop.)
• Adolescent Development- really excited for this one! I've wanted to take this class for a long time!
• Social Psychology- no idea how I feel about it because I've never heard anything about it. 
• Intro to Counseling and Psychotherapy- I wasn't excited about this class until about 10 minutes ago. I think it'll be good for me to explore more career options. 
• Experiential Education/Community Proposal -aka University 1000 (I already took Unvi 1000 9 years ago when I was a freshman...and now they changed the name, so I get to take it again to graduate. Shouldn't be bad at all, though.) 

If all goes well (as in if I pass my classes) I will graduate in December 2013. That might seem like a long time to most people...but for me that's the light at the end of the seemingly never ending tunnel called SUU. It took a lot of work and time to get back into school and get financial aid all set up and I couldn't have done it without lots of help from Tia and my advisor. I'm so grateful that everything is working out! 

Now for my last night of freedom I'm going to enjoy it with some Grey's Anatomy or something cool like that. I probably won't be updating on here much---but peace and love. 

Oh and life rocks right now. I hope I never forget that hard work and being patient really does pay off--maybe not right when I want it or when I think I need it, but it does. I have never done any of this on my own before and it feels pretty great. 

no life

• I have been obsessed with Grey's Anatomy for a couple of weeks and I'm almost done with season 5. There are 7 seasons of it on Netflix and I don't know what I'll do when it'd over. ha 
• School starts in less than a week...so I guess that's exactly what I'll be doing instead of Grey's. I'm taking 18 credits of upper division classes. I couldn't be more excited. I'm only taking one class that I already know I hate--because I've taken it twice already and dropped it. Too bad I have to have it to graduate. Stupid Social Theory. 
• I'm planning a benefit concert currently and I'm really excited about it. Mostly I want it to be here so that I can stop stressing about it and trying to make everything perfect. Today I'm not going to worry about it because I know it'll all work out anyway. 
• I learned how to convert youtube songs into iTunes. Heaven. 
• I'm making a colorful afghan and it makes me happy. It's so bright. 
• I don't have to work on Friday or Saturday. I'm not sure what I'm doing right now because there's a few things going on all in different places. Oh, decisions. 
• I have only slept about 3 hours a day for the past 3 or 4 days and it's finally catching up to me. I have a million zits, I'm on my period, and I feel/look like death. I hope that I'm not such a hot mess when school starts...but, lets be real-- it can only get worse. ha 
• When I get off work in 3 hours, I have a day off. I plan to clean all day and then hopefully get some sleep during "regular" people sleeping hours. We'll see how that works out.
• It's been raining so hard all night and I love it. I'm glad the power didn't go out though.
• Calv is still the best kitty in the world. 

Here's to maybe getting a life when school starts. 

School starts in a week and a half, I just had an amazing weekend, and I get the day off as soon as I leave work. Life is really, really good right now. I would write more...but I'd probably jinx it if I did that.

I'm happy.

Whelp, today was my day off but here I am sitting at work. It's cool though because now I get 3 days off in a row! I love it when that happens. I've got a fun, for the most part, weekend coming up and I'm stoked about it! I'm trying to get all my fun time in before school starts because that's not gonna be happening anymore. I'm trying to jam-pack in as much as I can before school gets into full swing. Too bad I mostly just want to sleep....

Okay, so here's the deal: April is my best friend. We have been friends for a very long time. April is not gay; she has been married or in a relationship with a dude the entire time I've known her. I am gay. So how are we friends, you ask? Easy...just like you have friends. We hang out, laugh, talk, care about each other...the way everyone else has friends. So why then is everyone so concerned about April and I hanging out? Not sure. For a while it was funny but it's seriously getting a little old now. 

Ty (April's boyfriend whom she lives with) is not a "cover-up". He is in fact her boyfriend and I hope that they get married and have lots of mini Ape's and mini Ty's so that I can be their pretend aunt. April is like a sister to me and I hope that we're friends forever. We fight like my sister and fight and I care about her like I care about my sister, too. This does not mean we are in love with each other and having a secret lesbian relationship. 

I, on the other hand, am single. I am openly gay and if I were to be in a relationship, it would not be a secret. My family knows that I'm gay, my friends know I'm gay, and I don't hide it. Sure, I don't wear rainbows everyday and wear a sign that says, "I'm gay"...but I'm not ashamed of it, either. 

I think it's a little comical that so many people act so awkward around April and I, mostly recently. The people that really know us or anything about us, know we're not dating. We've also found that no matter what we actually tell people, they believe what they want to believe. So take it or leave it, but April is not my girlfriend. Yes- I love April and I care about her. No- I'm not in love with April and we're not in a secret relationship. 

Thanks for the laughs, guys. :) I'll keep you posted if anything changes in regard to April's sexuality. ha ha

all things considered...

My anxiety level is low right now.

Today while April and her dad were driving up and back from Salt Lake I felt like I was going to die. I was seriously so worried about them---for no real reason except that I donno what I'd do if anything happened to Ape.

They made it home safely and April & I had dinner together. I felt a little ridiculous for being so worried, but whatever. Such is life, I guess.

I never want anyone to die. Ever. Thanks.

Sometimes making a "grateful" list helps me feel better about life.

• I get off work in an hour.
• I get to cuddle with my kitties all day. 
• My dad. He's the best dad in the world. 
• Joey Bear. Best brother ever. 
• My mom. She gives me (outdated) canned food--and lots of other stuff. :) 
• My sister, Enna. She has the biggest heart and is accomplishing so much right now. So proud. 
• My brother, Buddy. He's intelligent, kind, and hardworking. 
• April- best friend a gal could have. Love doesn't even describe how much I love her. 
• My grandparents-both sides. They're all rad. 
• Tia, Tyler, and their adorable kids. So lucky to know them. I love them all so much. 
• Shan. She is the best listener/advice giver/friend. I love her to the max. 
• Taunya-crazy, fun, and I just love her. 
• HHW & the staff that let me come hang out. And all the women that currently live there. 
• To be sober. Sometimes I wonder how I'm sober still...
• To be starting school in less than a month! So stoked, nervous, and grateful for another chance. 
• Good things happening for good people I know. 
• Sof is coming to visit me soon. :) 
• I get to take a class from Shob. I love her a lot. 
• New computer so I can whip out some serious homework. And of course fun shit. 
• A job...

I'm still angry that horrible things happen to good people. I will (probably) never be okay with it and I'll probably never know why that happens. I know that this is life and bad things happen, but why? It just doesn't seem fair. 

The past week and the coming week are filled with mixed emotions. It's actually pretty confusing. I mean, I should be so happy with all these wonderful things happening for me but I'm heartbroken at the same time. How do people do this shit without drinking????

RIP Dell

Today when I woke up my dad and I went computer shopping and found one that I love. I'm a little sad to say bye to Dell, but it's time. He's been a good sidekick for the last 5 years and now he'll make a good computer for Joe Bear. My new computer is currently nameless but I'm sure we'll come up with something quite soon.

Today someone texted me asking about something happening on Friday and Saturday. Turns out I had no idea it was Thursday and I was confused as to why they were already asking about it. I guess it's Friday now. That's weird.

On Tuesday I found out some very heartbreaking news and have been thinking a lot about how fragile life is. Some people that I love with all my heart are going through a very difficult time right now. I don't want to get into details on here because it's not my business to do so and it's not my place to share personal details about others. I just wish there was something I could do to make everything okay. I hate to see people that I love and care about hurting.

I know that everything happens for a reason, but sometimes I think it's fucked up that horrible things happen to the best people I know. There are lots of random people that I love and care about but this is an entire family that I just adore. They are all so kind to everyone and have definitely been a huge part of my life over the last 15 months. I can't think of a greater family in the world and I'm so grateful for all of them. I just hope that they will find peace...I know they will, because they are amazing. I'm so blessed to have such wonderful examples of strength and hope in my life.

Also, big thanks to my own family for helping me yesterday. It means the world to me that my family cares about people that I love as much I do, even if they don't really know them well. And thanks to my bestie for letting me be a hot mess-- she's amazing.