No Sleep

School has been in for 2 weeks already! I feel unbelievably tired and so unorganized that it makes me want to give up. At least once a day I feel like I just can't do it---and then I remember how much I want this and how many people have helped me get here. The school part isn't the part that's killing me, either. School is actually going really well....and yes, I know that school in the 2nd week isn't very difficult, so I'm sure that'll get more intense. But for now, it's golden.

The part that's killing me is trying to keep up with everything else. Like work, for instance. Work and I have a love/hate relationship. For the past year I have worked my ass off in order to get my own apartment, everything in the apartment, pay off bills, pay current bills and do tons of fun shit. And I didn't mind working all the time because I didn't really have much else going on. Now that I'm in school full-time and trying to work full-time, most days I'd rather die than go to work. It's not that I hate my job, I just hate not sleeping.

On Wednesday morning when I got home from work at 7:30am, after not sleeping since Monday night, I was on the verge of a breakdown. I chose to miss my 9am class to sleep until noon. My goal was to not miss one class the whole semester---but I just couldn't do it. I figured it'd be better to miss one class than to drop out of school because I was in the psych ward or something. ha

So now I'm left to figure out how to make this work. Part of this is self-inflicted and part of it is unavoidable-- so for the part that I can actually change, it's gonna take some work. For the other part (the one I really don't have control over- aka working), I need a sugar daddy.

On the days where I got sleep the day before I feel great--and even on the other days, I feel very lucky to be able to have a job and be in school. I know a lot of people who would like to be able to go to school and I have been wanting/working for this for a year now...and now that it's here, I realized it's a lot of work. Sometimes I just need to remind myself why I'm going to school and how good it'll be when I finish at SUU. It's been 8+ years in the making and I'm very glad for a chance to finally finish.

In the midst of all this, I'm looking at grad schools, finding out what I need to do to be accepted into said programs, and deciding whether or not to take the GRE. The thought of going to grad school scares me and also excites me! There are some really awesome programs that I'm looking at and if all goes well, I'll start applying next semester/summer.

Today's outlook for sleep: zero. Once I get off work at 7:30am, I head to school until 2pm and then tonight is the benefit concert I've been planning for a month. But then I get to relax with one of my favorite people all day on Saturday.

Life is good-- I just need more sleep. Maybe when I die, right?

one more post before I'm an old maid...literally.

It's Labor Day Weekend and I don't have school tomorrow, so I figured I can justify blogging a little more. On Tuesday I turn 27 years old. How gross is that? I've been freaking out since the day after my birthday last year and now it's finally here. I don't remember many of the birthdays in the last ten years and I'm sure this one will fade just as quickly. For some reason, though, 27 seems awfully old and even older compared to things I have or haven't accomplished. 

This year my favorite memories (yes, this is to help me feel a little better about getting old) are as follows: 

• Last year on my birthday I was lucky enough to be able to go to Texas. I'm not sure how I managed to do that since I had been out of rehab just a little over a month--but I'm so glad that I did. It was fun to see a new place and enjoy it sober--I wish I could travel more. Someday. 
• Community Thanksgiving Dinner. It was so much fun to be able to hang out with tons of amazing people on Thanksgiving...and of course I brought cards and carried on the tradition that my family has. 
• Sub4Santa-- I can't even describe how awesome it was to be a part of this. We intended to help 4 families, but as it turned out, we helped many more. Lots of amazing things happened and it was so cool to be a part of it. 
• Talking to or seeing Joey everyday. I love that kid so much and I'm lucky that he lives so close. One of my favorite things is to call him early every morning and just say hello. 
• Getting my own apartment. When I first moved in it was just me, then I got a roomie, and now it's just me and the cats. I am really lucky to be able to have my own place. 
• Getting Calvin. I'm not sure if the day we got Calv would qualify as a "favorite" memory because I was skeptical and didn't like cats. Turns out, Calv is definitely my favorite thing ever. I really don't know what I would have done over the last year without him!
• I got to go to TONS of basketball games. 
• Went to Lagoon a few times with my best friend. I love spur of the moment road trips.
• I applied to SUU, got re-admitted, was awarded financial aid and am now back in school. I'm not sure why it worked out this year, rather than last, but I am so grateful. I definitely owe a lot of people more than I could ever repay and am so grateful everyday that I get this opportunity. 
• I celebrated one year of sobriety on April 29! I honestly never thought I would see that day and it seems like a dream sometimes. I am so lucky to have been able to go to rehab. 
• I'm dating again. Weird but so much fun. I feel so lucky to have the coolest (and lots of other things that I don't feel the need to blog about on here right now) girlfriend. 
• I can't think of any other "big" things that happened-- but there are so many little things that I'll never forget. I am so grateful to all the wonderful people in my life. I have the best support system in the world and I don't know how I got so lucky. A year ago, fresh out of rehab, I had lots of "dreams" that I never thought would actually come true...turns out, they have and continue to get better! I can't even begin to describe how incredibly happy I am right now. Life is really the best it's ever been and it just keeps getting better. 

So, even though I'm being a baby about turning 27, I am also a tiny bit excited to see what life will bring over the next year. Even if life isn't half as wonderful as it was over the last year, I'll still be sitting pretty good. 

Thanks to all my friends and family for helping to make this last year a great one and here's to another great year ahead. Today, as I was talking to one of the people that I respect the most in the whole world, I remembered that life really is fragile and it's important to do the things we want to do now. Don't wait, just do it. 

my last post for a while

Well, the second day of school ended hours ago. So far, I love it. I love learning and I love doing the work--however, school is already kicking my graveyard working ass. It's 3am and I feel like I might die...and I get to go to school instead of bed when I get off work in 4 1/2 hours. It's good though. Really, really good. I love it.

I don't think there has ever been a semester where I was this excited about all of my classes. I did drop one class because 18 credits was a little overwhelming with working full-time--I plan to take it next semester because the professor is awesome! I even like my math professor--and that's saying something.

I have a lot to be grateful for and even though I'm a tired, grouchy, bitch most days-- I feel very lucky to be where I am today.

So for now, I'm off to study land.

16 months sober!

WAhooooo!

last night being a bum

Tonight is it. Tonight is the last night of me working, sleeping and playing. In 9 hours I start school again--and I'll be working until that happens. I can't even believe that everything worked out and that I'm actually going to be starting school in the morning. It seems like a dream, which I'm sure at some point will seem more like a nightmare. But I'm really grateful for this dream/nightmare/experience...whatever it is, I'm so happy about it.

I'm going to be a busy lady- working my normal 42.5 hours a week and 18 credits in school. I can't say that I'll be bored. I'm really excited for most of my classes. Here's my sched in case anyone wants to stalk me:

• Social Theory- gag (But...since my major is sociology, I guess that's what I signed up for...) 
• Math- double gag. (I also have to do this in order to graduate. Poop.)
• Adolescent Development- really excited for this one! I've wanted to take this class for a long time!
• Social Psychology- no idea how I feel about it because I've never heard anything about it. 
• Intro to Counseling and Psychotherapy- I wasn't excited about this class until about 10 minutes ago. I think it'll be good for me to explore more career options. 
• Experiential Education/Community Proposal -aka University 1000 (I already took Unvi 1000 9 years ago when I was a freshman...and now they changed the name, so I get to take it again to graduate. Shouldn't be bad at all, though.) 

If all goes well (as in if I pass my classes) I will graduate in December 2013. That might seem like a long time to most people...but for me that's the light at the end of the seemingly never ending tunnel called SUU. It took a lot of work and time to get back into school and get financial aid all set up and I couldn't have done it without lots of help from Tia and my advisor. I'm so grateful that everything is working out! 

Now for my last night of freedom I'm going to enjoy it with some Grey's Anatomy or something cool like that. I probably won't be updating on here much---but peace and love. 

Oh and life rocks right now. I hope I never forget that hard work and being patient really does pay off--maybe not right when I want it or when I think I need it, but it does. I have never done any of this on my own before and it feels pretty great. 

no life

• I have been obsessed with Grey's Anatomy for a couple of weeks and I'm almost done with season 5. There are 7 seasons of it on Netflix and I don't know what I'll do when it'd over. ha 
• School starts in less than a week...so I guess that's exactly what I'll be doing instead of Grey's. I'm taking 18 credits of upper division classes. I couldn't be more excited. I'm only taking one class that I already know I hate--because I've taken it twice already and dropped it. Too bad I have to have it to graduate. Stupid Social Theory. 
• I'm planning a benefit concert currently and I'm really excited about it. Mostly I want it to be here so that I can stop stressing about it and trying to make everything perfect. Today I'm not going to worry about it because I know it'll all work out anyway. 
• I learned how to convert youtube songs into iTunes. Heaven. 
• I'm making a colorful afghan and it makes me happy. It's so bright. 
• I don't have to work on Friday or Saturday. I'm not sure what I'm doing right now because there's a few things going on all in different places. Oh, decisions. 
• I have only slept about 3 hours a day for the past 3 or 4 days and it's finally catching up to me. I have a million zits, I'm on my period, and I feel/look like death. I hope that I'm not such a hot mess when school starts...but, lets be real-- it can only get worse. ha 
• When I get off work in 3 hours, I have a day off. I plan to clean all day and then hopefully get some sleep during "regular" people sleeping hours. We'll see how that works out.
• It's been raining so hard all night and I love it. I'm glad the power didn't go out though.
• Calv is still the best kitty in the world. 

Here's to maybe getting a life when school starts. 

School starts in a week and a half, I just had an amazing weekend, and I get the day off as soon as I leave work. Life is really, really good right now. I would write more...but I'd probably jinx it if I did that.

I'm happy.

Whelp, today was my day off but here I am sitting at work. It's cool though because now I get 3 days off in a row! I love it when that happens. I've got a fun, for the most part, weekend coming up and I'm stoked about it! I'm trying to get all my fun time in before school starts because that's not gonna be happening anymore. I'm trying to jam-pack in as much as I can before school gets into full swing. Too bad I mostly just want to sleep....

Okay, so here's the deal: April is my best friend. We have been friends for a very long time. April is not gay; she has been married or in a relationship with a dude the entire time I've known her. I am gay. So how are we friends, you ask? Easy...just like you have friends. We hang out, laugh, talk, care about each other...the way everyone else has friends. So why then is everyone so concerned about April and I hanging out? Not sure. For a while it was funny but it's seriously getting a little old now. 

Ty (April's boyfriend whom she lives with) is not a "cover-up". He is in fact her boyfriend and I hope that they get married and have lots of mini Ape's and mini Ty's so that I can be their pretend aunt. April is like a sister to me and I hope that we're friends forever. We fight like my sister and fight and I care about her like I care about my sister, too. This does not mean we are in love with each other and having a secret lesbian relationship. 

I, on the other hand, am single. I am openly gay and if I were to be in a relationship, it would not be a secret. My family knows that I'm gay, my friends know I'm gay, and I don't hide it. Sure, I don't wear rainbows everyday and wear a sign that says, "I'm gay"...but I'm not ashamed of it, either. 

I think it's a little comical that so many people act so awkward around April and I, mostly recently. The people that really know us or anything about us, know we're not dating. We've also found that no matter what we actually tell people, they believe what they want to believe. So take it or leave it, but April is not my girlfriend. Yes- I love April and I care about her. No- I'm not in love with April and we're not in a secret relationship. 

Thanks for the laughs, guys. :) I'll keep you posted if anything changes in regard to April's sexuality. ha ha

all things considered...

My anxiety level is low right now.

Today while April and her dad were driving up and back from Salt Lake I felt like I was going to die. I was seriously so worried about them---for no real reason except that I donno what I'd do if anything happened to Ape.

They made it home safely and April & I had dinner together. I felt a little ridiculous for being so worried, but whatever. Such is life, I guess.

I never want anyone to die. Ever. Thanks.

Sometimes making a "grateful" list helps me feel better about life.

• I get off work in an hour.
• I get to cuddle with my kitties all day. 
• My dad. He's the best dad in the world. 
• Joey Bear. Best brother ever. 
• My mom. She gives me (outdated) canned food--and lots of other stuff. :) 
• My sister, Enna. She has the biggest heart and is accomplishing so much right now. So proud. 
• My brother, Buddy. He's intelligent, kind, and hardworking. 
• April- best friend a gal could have. Love doesn't even describe how much I love her. 
• My grandparents-both sides. They're all rad. 
• Tia, Tyler, and their adorable kids. So lucky to know them. I love them all so much. 
• Shan. She is the best listener/advice giver/friend. I love her to the max. 
• Taunya-crazy, fun, and I just love her. 
• HHW & the staff that let me come hang out. And all the women that currently live there. 
• To be sober. Sometimes I wonder how I'm sober still...
• To be starting school in less than a month! So stoked, nervous, and grateful for another chance. 
• Good things happening for good people I know. 
• Sof is coming to visit me soon. :) 
• I get to take a class from Shob. I love her a lot. 
• New computer so I can whip out some serious homework. And of course fun shit. 
• A job...

I'm still angry that horrible things happen to good people. I will (probably) never be okay with it and I'll probably never know why that happens. I know that this is life and bad things happen, but why? It just doesn't seem fair. 

The past week and the coming week are filled with mixed emotions. It's actually pretty confusing. I mean, I should be so happy with all these wonderful things happening for me but I'm heartbroken at the same time. How do people do this shit without drinking????

RIP Dell

Today when I woke up my dad and I went computer shopping and found one that I love. I'm a little sad to say bye to Dell, but it's time. He's been a good sidekick for the last 5 years and now he'll make a good computer for Joe Bear. My new computer is currently nameless but I'm sure we'll come up with something quite soon.

Today someone texted me asking about something happening on Friday and Saturday. Turns out I had no idea it was Thursday and I was confused as to why they were already asking about it. I guess it's Friday now. That's weird.

On Tuesday I found out some very heartbreaking news and have been thinking a lot about how fragile life is. Some people that I love with all my heart are going through a very difficult time right now. I don't want to get into details on here because it's not my business to do so and it's not my place to share personal details about others. I just wish there was something I could do to make everything okay. I hate to see people that I love and care about hurting.

I know that everything happens for a reason, but sometimes I think it's fucked up that horrible things happen to the best people I know. There are lots of random people that I love and care about but this is an entire family that I just adore. They are all so kind to everyone and have definitely been a huge part of my life over the last 15 months. I can't think of a greater family in the world and I'm so grateful for all of them. I just hope that they will find peace...I know they will, because they are amazing. I'm so blessed to have such wonderful examples of strength and hope in my life.

Also, big thanks to my own family for helping me yesterday. It means the world to me that my family cares about people that I love as much I do, even if they don't really know them well. And thanks to my bestie for letting me be a hot mess-- she's amazing.

Cloud 9

Since I found out I could get financial aid and go back to SUU I couldn't sleep today. In fact, I can't even stop smiling! I am so happy and so ready for this. For the first time ever, I feel like I'm actually being someone I want to be and I'm doing the work to get there instead of relying on other people to do it for me. 

Not only is school happening, my whole life just keeps getting better and better. I have the worlds greatest friends, the coolest cats on earth and my relationship with my family is the best it's ever been. Plus, there's a girl that I quite enjoy. So many things are happening that I never thought would happen. 

I'm a happy camper. Right now I feel like I'm living a dream and I'm just waiting for someone to slap me awake. 

best day, ever.

I don't think I've ever been as happy as I am right now. My financial aid has been approved and I will be attending SUU in the fall...as in, I start in less than a month! I wrote my appeal letter, met with an awesome advisor and had some awesome letters of recommendation (Thanks guys) turned in and I have just been waiting for 2 weeks to hear back. For the first three days I was literally making myself sick over it. I was going crazy! I finally decided that I did everything I could do and that no matter how much I obsessed or worried over it, it wouldn't change the outcome. I focused on other things and tried to enjoy life; I guess it worked because I didn't even check to SUU website for 4 days-and I just randomly decided to check it this morning! 

I feel so happy right now it's unreal. Just last week I was crying to someone about how drinking was way cooler than sober life. The only thing that she told me was that I'll never know what can happen if I give up now. I kind of rolled my eyes and thought she was nuts...I wanted to prove her wrong by staying sober and having a shitty life for just a while longer. Turns out, she was right and things continue to get better. Not only with school, but in all aspects of my life.

I am genuinely happy and feel so blessed to have the opportunity to go back to school for the 3480234 time! Hopefully this is the beginning of the end. 

Hell

Today I read this quote somewhere that was like "hell will be when we die and meet the person we could have been" or something like that. For some reason, it really struck me. I mean, right now, for the first time in a long time I sorta like myself. I'm trying to do things that make a difference, I'm doing things that make me happy, and I'm trying to better my life. BUT, there are still things that I could be doing more of in order to be who I want to be...

I really like that I get to choose who I become. I think that's probably the coolest thing about life- we get to decide. Sure, I didn't get to decide who my parents are, where I was born, or that I'd be an alcoholic...but I get to decide where I'm going, what I'm doing, and who I want to spend my time with now. That's pretty awesome.

Last summer I was just getting out of rehab and I was  scared as hell. I had no money, no friends, and no house. It was definitely a summer of learning and growing. Looking back I'm grateful that shit happened the way it did, but I don't know that I would ever want to do it again. It was hard and, at times, unpleasant. I was dealing with the loss of an important relationship, moving back to Cedar City, and moving out on my own for the first time in my life. I think I cried every single day. At least once.

Well, shit got better... This summer has been one of the greatest times of my life up to this point...at least that I can remember (I'm sure I had some amazing childhood summers, too). I have many relationships that are important to me, I don't mind living in Cedar City, and I have a cute little house that I get to live in by myself. I have done so many fun things this summer that I have wanted to do for a long time, I'm (finally) over the relationship that I thought I'd never get over, and I'm learning to live life as it comes instead of planning every little detail. Life is enjoyable and I'm super glad that I get to do so many cool things.

I can only hope that in a year from now I'll be writing about how I never knew life could get even better! But, for now, I'll just keep enjoying the cool shit happening right now.

back to the grind.

Today was bittersweet. Mostly sweet until I had to come back to work. Having two days off in a row sure makes me wish I could retire. This weekend was another success and spent with some wonderful friends and family.

On Friday, I slept all day when I got off work at 8am. That night I hung out with April and watched a movie with my cats. Yes, I realize I could do that any day, but it was relaxing and much needed. Saturday morning I woke up to an invitation to go to see a friend in Richfield. I wasn't too thrilled at first, but then I decided it'd be better to be with friends than to sit home and be sad.

So..Stacie, Tennile, April and I drove 2 hours to go see Lacey and her new house! We went and ate lunch at a cute little Mexican place and then just hung out at her house for a while. Then we left so that I could make it to my moms birthday dinner at Chili's! My mom is 60 now...weird. It was fun to hang with my family for a minute--it's fun just to have our immediate family at a table. Plus, my brother gave me a camera! I haven't had a real camera since I lost mine at the bar like 5 years ago. Bonus.

After dinner I was feeling pretty worn out, both physically and emotionally. I wanted to go home and sleep but my friend invited me to go hear her share her story at an AA meeting, so I did that. I'm so glad that I went because I was getting crazy. Plus, she's amazing and I loved hearing her story. She's one of he coolest people I know.

After the meeting I was over being depressed, so I watched another movie with my cats and had a peaceful night.

Sunday was chill. I hung out with April, went to the mentor meeting, and did some reading. I like weekends when they aren't spent at work. Looking forward to my next weekend off in two weeks! Wahooooo.

lovely days

I had another lovely day today. I'm more tired than anything right now, but it was worth it. When I got home from work I passed out easily. I had another bubble bath (apparently my new favorite thing to do), started reading Naked by David Sedaris, and got to see Britt face! Plus, I got to talk to someone I quite enjoy before work.

Life is grand, indeed.

anthem

Yesterday, while I was soaking in the bathtub, I read Anthem by Ayn Rand. I have had the book for a few months sitting on my shelf and I just didn't ever read it. I'm so glad that I was bored enough to finally pick it up yesterday. I loved it!

I don't know what other people think or say about the book, but for me it reminded me to never be okay with mediocracy or just following the crowd. Mostly, never stop learning and growing. I think I found my new tattoo, too. I have a few brewing from a couple different books but I definitely want to get one in particular now. If I ever get it, which I'm sure I will, I'll post it. Until then, peace out.

Bubble baths and stuff

Today was one of the nicest days I remember having in a long time. I didn't do anything spectacular, either. I got off work and slept like a baby for a few hours, which is rare lately. Then I bought myself a frozen yogurt for lunch...or whatever it was. I forgot how much I like yogurt.

April called and we hung out for a bit, which is always nice. I'm glad I have a friend like her. For a while, when we didn't talk, I forgot how much I appreciated having her in my life. Everyone should have a friend like Ape.

When I got home, I was going to sleep until work but then I decided to take a bath. I haven't done that in ages. I found a book my brother loaned me a few months ago that has been collecting dust on my shelf, filled up the tub with bubbles and put my pillow in a plastic bag so I could use it in the water. As I read my book and soaked in the tub, I realized I have a pretty great life.

 Sometimes I get stuck on thinking that if only i had this or that, I'd be happy. If only I was in school right now, if only I had more money, a better job, a nicer car, etc. But today I remembered that I'm happy, with or without any of that stuff. And that's pretty cool.

I have the best cat(s) in the world, the coolest friends ever, a pretty rad family who is always there for me, and a place to live. What else could a girl ask for (besides unlimited chocolate, monsters and a pretty girl...)?

Life is so interesting, isn't it?

Pioneer Day

Instead of going to the parade and dressing up as a pioneer this year, I played it cool and hung out with my fam. I went up to my grandparents house and we played a thrilling game of rummy. My aunt is in town so it was fun to see her and hang with the grandparents. Joey was my partner--unfortunately, we lost. 

Random blurb: A couple of days ago I made curtains for my house to go on the doors leading to the hall and the kitchen because I thought they'd be cute. Turns out they aren't very cute but they definitely make a difference in keeping the living room cool. It's only 79 degrees in there now instead of 90! Best thing that's happened in a long time...

Grateful:

• My fam. They're pretty rad. 
• Calvie. Best cat ever. 
• My friends. They're all so different and bring such unique things to my life. 
• My house. It's small, clean, and just how I want it. Couldn't ask for more...except AC! 
• A job. It gets boring but I'm grateful to be able to do what I want and get paid for it! 

Hope ya'll had a good Pioneer Day! 

3 day weekends are best. really...

After not having many days off in the last few months, my three day weekend turned out to be the best thing that could have happened to me. I think I'll try that more often. I had originally planned to take the weekend off because I was going to go to my cabin with some friends. That didn't work out so I was left with 3 days off and not a damn thing to do. I got my sleep on all day Friday and then on Saturday morning April called and said she really wanted to go to Lagoon!

We left Cedar about 1:30pm, drove straight to Lagoon and got there about 4:30pm. We went on a shit load of roller coasters, with little to no lines. We also rode bumper cars, the ferris wheel, the train (we were the only people without kids on the entire thing), and a few other "kid" rides. At about 9pm we were both starving so we decided we were done at Lagoon. We hit up In n Out and headed home! I was so tired but April drank a Monster and kept my ass awake so I could drive...what are friends for? We made it home by 1:30am and I got to sleep in my own bed...best kind of road trip is the kind that you can do in one day.

On Sunday I slept in and then went and played cards with my grandparents and my Aunt Annie. I hadn't seen them in a long time so it was nice to hang out for a while. They're getting old and it makes me sad to see them but I know I'll regret it if I don't.

Then I got to go see one of my favorite kids. She packed her suitcase and thought she was coming to stay with me for a few days. Plus, I got to watch some Real Housewives of New Jersey...which I never get to see since I don't have TV! Perfect night.

Today I had a lazy day, too. I had lunch with April and then Joey came over for dinner. It was a good vacation and I'm excited for my next one! Summer will be over before I know it and I've gotta get all my fun stuff packed in!

Happy Pioneer Day....:)

Who wants flowers when you're dead?

Nobody.

My weekend starts in like 3 hours! I don't have to come back to this place until Monday night. Holy shit, that's exciting and I hope that I can get some fun shit packed into my time off. I've been thinking about the quote from Catcher In The Rye, "who wants flowers when you're dead? nobody" a lot today. Although, it's meant to be morbid (I think)...I like to interpret it a different way. How come everyone gives flowers when someone is dead? I want the flowers now!

I've been thinking about death quite a lot lately. Not in a "I want to die" kind of way, but in a "hmmm, I wonder..." sorta way. It boggles my mind when I think about it too much. I mean, there's so much to think about. What happens when we die? Do I get to come back as a Cheeto Puff like I once wanted? Will I be damned and live in pit of fire filled with empty alcohol bottles scattered around just teasing me? This might seem like a strange thing to think about but its something that I really do wonder about...

Part of me likes to believe that nothing happens. We die and that's it. Live while you can because this is the only shot you've got! And the romantic part of me believes that I'll live forever and ever and be floating in the clouds, laughing with my friends, and sipping on berry lemonade. Either way, I think I'll be okay with it. It's not like me thinking about it now will really change what happens anyhow..

So back to the flowers when I'm dead. I don't want them. I'm gonna get my own flowers while I'm alive. Sure, if you want to decorate me with flowers when I die, I guess I can't stop you...but I think it'd be cooler if you spent the money to do something cool that you have never dared to do before. Or help someone else. Or just buy flowers for the next dead body.

Just remember, no one wants flowers when they're dead. Or at least I don't.

Rich Girl, bitch girl..

I'm obsessed with the bird and the bee's cover of Rich Girl today. Love it.

I was looking forward to camping/cabin this weekend, but now it seems like everyone bailed/got sick/work, etc. So, it'll be me and a few families...if it happens. I'm sort of hoping we can reschedule because I'd rather do something else if it's just a few people. I have lots of summer goals left (Vegas, Lagoon, Rez, Red Cliffs, etc)...and this would be a perfect weekend to get started! I'm bummed I asked for the whole weekend off work and now it's not really turning out...but I suppose that's the way life works!

Grateful:

• My sister is coming to visit soon and I'm so excited to see her! Party time. 
• Good music
• Joey Bear. I love that we talk on the phone every morning and usually at least one other time during the day. He's the coolest dude I know. 
• Calv, of course. I love him so much. 
• I'm sober! 
• My parents for doing whatever they can to support me. They are both great supports to me and I'm realizing more and more how much they have done for me throughout my life and currently. I'm pretty lucky. 
• Fans/AC. My house has actually been pretty livable lately and I can get my sleeping in during the day, which has been helpful. 
• My friends. They're all awesome in different ways and I'm grateful to have so many people in my life who I love so much!
• To be happy. I haven't felt this happy in a long time. Sometimes I forget how miserable I was a little more than a year ago...life is definitely getting better and I just don't see it until I take time to write down all the things I'm grateful for. 
• I have enough food, gas in my car, rent paid/house to live in, and I have a job! 

I got a date!

I've been worried about going to the cabin this weekend because everyone else that's going has a husband, kids, or lover going with them...and then there's me. ha. Since I'm so awesome I was just going to go alone...but then I decided that would be lame. I wanted to take Joey Bear but since our sleepovers usually end about 15 minutes after they start because he wants to go home, that wouldn't have worked for an all weekend deal.

Then I remembered it didn't have to be my kid to take a kid...so I invited Kenlee to come with me! If you know me, you know I freaking love Kenlee. Since the day she was born I've been chillin' with her and she's like a little sister to me. I used to give her mohawks before she could hold her head up and her nickname has been Koolio ever since. Since I've been back in Utah (for over a year) I haven't really spent time with her and I thought this weekend would be a good time to start!

Kenlee and I have been on lots of adventures together--she's a good sidekick and I'm stoked to have her be my date for the weekend. She just turned 4 and I can't even believe how big she is now!! Geez, she's a cute little sucker. Here's to the best weekend! :)

Rainy days and bucket lists

The past few days have been overcast, cool, and perfect. I love rainy weather and everything that comes with it. Perhaps that's why I've spent the last week sleeping on my couch and watching Redbox to the max. Who knows? I've also been a pretty big bitch for a few days. I have been stressing about things I don't have control over and it's been making my life hell. Today, after talking to one of the most wonderful women in the world, I think I can finally just let go and not worry about it. Whatever happens, happens...and everything will work out how it's supposed to work out. 

So instead of worrying and being a bitch-face, I'm going to enjoy the next few weeks as much as I can because 1. I will be going to school and working full-time or 2. I will be working my ass off/getting a second job so I can either save up for school or move somewhere rad. So for the next few weeks I am just going to enjoy what life in Southern Utah has to offer. 

So here's my summer-is-almost-over/ I'm-gonna-be-an-official-old-maid-soon bucket list:

• I am going to go see '25th Annual Spelling Bee' at Tuachan in a couple of weeks. I have never really been into musicals, but since I went to Avenue Q while I was in Texas a year ago I have wanted to see another one! This one looks really cute and I'm excited to see it! 
• I'm going to my cabin for the weekend with friends. I'm a little stressed about it because I hate being in large groups of people without being able to get away...but, I think it'll be fun. 
• I still need to hit up New Castle Res, Red Cliffs, and Zion. 
• Lagoon. Again! 
• Vegas pool weekend. 
• Celebrate my mom's 60th b-day...Party time! 
• A play in Cedar...at one of the many festivals. ;)

The chances of me getting enough time off work/having enough money to do all of this is very slim, but I'm going to try my hardest! Wish me luck! 

Blah blah blah

I can't stop sleeping. All I do is work and sleep. From the moment I get off work until I have to go back to work,  I sleep. For the first few days I thought it was calm down but as it's getting into almost a week of doing this now it's getting annoying. I'm annoyed that I want to do is sleep. I could be out having fun and enjoying life, but I'd rather be in my bed. I did get a lot done this week for school though, so at least I did something.

Next Friday, Saturday, and Sunday I'm going to my cabin. I haven't been up there for a year and I'm pretty excited. I'm hoping that it's a fun and relaxing trip but ...lets be real, I'm sure it'll be a little chaotic with all the people who are going. I might just find a bed and sleep the whole time. ha. Either way, I'm excited to get 3 days off work in a row!

I'm mostly counting down the days to August! I will find out about school/financial aid, my friend is coming to visit, and hopefully I can throw in a couple fun things before school starts (if I am able to even go to school). I've been really anxious and worried about school. I know that I need to go and I want to go back so much but I also know that without financial aid, I cannot afford to go. I know that worrying about it won't change anything but I am literally making myself sick thinking about it. I keep wondering if I should have written a different letter or included more or less information than I did, if I should have done it earlier, if I'm smart enough and blah blah...I felt good about it after I talked to my advisor and then I turned it in and felt like it was pointless. For now I guess I just need to focus on other shit. There's nothing I can do now...

If I can get into SUU that would be ideal. If not, I'm going to start applying for jobs elsewhere. I need a change of scenery and maybe then I could get a job that I enjoy and that has potential. Don't get me wrong, I'm super grateful to have the job I have right now and for the most part I enjoy it...I just don't want to be a lifer working at the truck stop. And if I can't get financial aid there's no way I would ever be able to save enough money to go to school while working here...so I'm kind of at a dead end. I want to enjoy life and keep moving forward. The past year has been awesome and much needed. I feel grounded and for the first time in my life I'm doing shit to help myself. I'm a little scared to leave Cedar because I have a great support system of friends and family here, but I also know that I can't stay where I am forever.

I was reading something yesterday and it was something like, God has 3 answers: 1. Yes 2. Not yet 3. I have something much better....or something like that. Although I don't choose to call my higher power God, I agree that things happen for a reason and I just get to trust in that right now. I've done what I can do and now I get to just live life and enjoy whatever happens. I'm usually so dead set on a "plan" that I get expectations of how it will turn out and then get mad when it doesn't happen, because it never does happen how I think it should.

So as for school/life/jobs, right now I'm just going to be right here. Right now I'm happy and I have everything I need and most of what I want, too! Life is good!

day off begins in like 7 hours.

And I don't have anything planned. What to do?

i want to sleep

I had Saturday night off work and now it's Tuesday morning and I feel worse than I did the whole 17 days I worked in a row (or however many days it was). I seriously feel like a train hit me and then ran me over again, just for fun.

I look like death, feel like death, and want to die. I know, I'm being dramatic...but that's how I feel.
Thank God I don't work on Wednesday or Thursday...I might shank someone, for real. Only 1.5 more nights until I can sleep my life away again. yay.

Also, I got a cute package today and I'm pretty stoked about it. I have cute friends. Plus I got an awesome CD. Today wasn't so bad until I got to work.

I need a new life. Anyone want to trade? And by life, I mean sleep schedule that doesn't kill me.

Buddy have me some ugly frames...here they are all glammed up!

Nails

Every single time I paint my fingernails (which isn't often), they look like shit about 20 minutes later. Partly because I can't paint nails and they never actually look good to being with, but usually they are already chipping before the day is over. I'm not going to lie, I kinda like chipped nails- they look like I'm not trying too hard and I wouldn't want that. Ha. Oh well, I guess I need to just paint them everyday and then it wouldn't be a problem. Yeahhhhh right. 

On the other hand, I got a pedicure like 2 weeks ago and it looks like I got it yesterday. Yay for toes that look good, at least. 

Today is a bittersweet, but mostly sweet, day. It's my last grave before I get a day off. I think I'm up to like 14 in a row. I know that it's not that much, but it feels like I've lived here and I'm ready for a break. My plans for my day off? Oh, I'll be doing the same thing I do even when I have to work: I'll be chillin' with Calv..but for longer. And I'm going to take Joey bowling and to dinner. Good times. 

I've been slacking lately. I just can't seem to get the motivation to get my ass out of bed. I know I have to, but the past 3 days I just haven't. I think tomorrow will be a nice refresher and then I'll be back to normal. I feel more refreshed right now than I have in weeks, mostly because I know I don't have to come back to work tomorrow. Yay! So here's to a fun weekend! 

I'm grateful for Calv, Joey, cute texts, rain, the nice temps we've been having (cooler weather = cooler house), my bed, my friends, my parents, surprises, and lemonade. 

Fresh

Today it feels like I'm getting a fresh start. I love meeting people who I feel instantly connected to and can be real with...perhaps maybe it's that I'm just more "real" with myself these days and in turn it's easier to be honest with other people. Either way, it's refreshing and I'm excited about life. Life is so funny sometimes, the way shit falls into place right when I stop searching for it. All I know is that life is beyond good today.

I know this is cryptic and lame, but whatever...it's my blog and I like it this way.

I'm stoked to get off work in a few minutes. I'm going to go get ready and then go to the parade with Joey. Then I get to go hang out with some pretty rad ladies and later on I'm going to a BBQ. Now I just need to find a time to sleep and life would be perfect. It's pretty damn close to perfect now, though.

Happy 4th of July!

In this moment...

I am content. I am happy to be alive and I'm so grateful for the life I have right this very second.

Holy shit, I'm blessed.

In the last few days/weeks some pretty awesome shit has been happening and  I just get to sit back and enjoy it.
Right now I look cracked because I only slept for 4 hours yesterday, but I feel happier than I have in months.

Happy things about today:

• talked to my sis on the phone for the first time in a while. i miss her! 
• had great company at work.
• made some big bucks on ChaCha 
• got my passport application so i can go to Australia!!!!!!
• got a new penpal who is pretty rad. 
• hung out with the girls at HHW for a bit before work, just for fun. i love getting to know them and just talking with them. 
• Monday (for me) is almost over! And then I get to sleep. 
• my cats were adorable all day. of course.
• i got to hang out with Joey. we jammed to Justin B. and B. Spears. Livin' the dream. 

I'm old.

I feel like an old lady lately. With age, I've found that I cry a lot. I don't cry because I'm sad (usually), I cry when I think things are cute/nice/awesome. What the hell, right? I guess it's not so bad because it usually just happens when I'm alone at work and looking at cute things online. Today I found this:

21 of the sweetest things I've ever seen...

Sometimes I forget how small acts of kindness really do make a huge impact on people. In fact, sometimes I forget that sometimes the smallest things people have done for me have made the biggest impact on my life. I'm grateful for all the awesome people I know and for all the cool things they do for me. I'm pretty lucky!

And for real, check out the link, you won't regret it.

Day Off...or not.

Whelp, the schedule for next week is looking a lot like this week. I haven't had a day off in 10 days and I get to work 7 more days until I get one day off.

Thank God I get to do whatever I want at work....but I'd still like a day off. And a night in my bed. But whateve, this is the life. I'm livin' the dream and I am very grateful to have a job. Plus, overtime kicks ass.

Today I'm grateful:

• I get to go volunteer at the Summer Games for a few hours after work with the women at HHW. 
• I'll get to cuddle with Calv for a few hours before I come back to work tonight. 
• I have a cute new water bottle. It's a Nalgene....like the one Enna stole from me. ;) 
• I had lunch with my mom yesterday. Just us. Weird, but good. 
• Joey called me a few minutes ago to say "hi". I love that boy so much. 
• I made bomb.com food yesterday. Fry bread with honey butter. Holy smokes, it was good. Plus...there's more where that came from! 
• I'm still listening to Mayer Hawthorne on repeat and I love it. (2 songs, anyway) 
• It's a beautiful day outside and I'm gonna work on my tan...or lack thereof! 

Happy Weekend to ya'll. 

gettin' down or something...

Music. Love. Peace. Sunshine. Rainbows. Blue Monsters. Scones w/ Honey-butter. Clean laundry. Fluffy blankets. Sharpies. Hugs from Joey Bear. Cuddling with my Calvie. Basketball shorts. Trips to the lake. Big sunglasses. Tanning oil. Warm showers. Clean sheets. Shaved legs. Crab legs. Irish pub music. Birthdays. Friends. Cuddling. Sunsets. Cute toenails. Clean hair. Freshly cut grass with cool designs. Garlic anything. Fish & Chips. Beach. Road trips! Theme parks. Sunrises. Ocean. Sushi. Red Cliffs. Good food w/ great company. Chick Flicks. Cruising w/ windows down. Jamming with Joey. Snow cones. Sand Hollow. 

Sexy:

• No Strings -Mayer Hawthorne 
• She Will Be Loved (acoustic version) -Maroon 5
• Lets Stay Together -Al Green 
• I'd Rather Be With You -Bootsy Collins 
• Find A Way -Dwele 
• Lets Get It On -Marvin Gaye
• Holdin' On Together -Phoenix 

This week: 

• What It's Like -Everlast
• That Wasn't Me -Brandi Carlile 
• Want U Back -Cher Lloyd 
• This Isn't Everything You Are -Snow Patrol 
• Young Homie -Chris Rene 
• Counting Blue Cars (Tell Me All Your Thoughts On God) -Dishwalla 
• Ho Hey -The Lumineers 

Single Cat Lady

Lately I've been asked why I'm not dating anyone. Here's why:

1. I wanted to take some time (a year or so) to get my shit together. A year ago I was living in rehab, had 5 pairs of basketball shorts and a couple of t-shirts (lost all my other shit), and had been sober for a month...not exactly dating material. ha. It's been a little over a year since I got out of a relationship and got sober. That may seem like a long time to you, but for me it seems like yesterday. I am still figuring my shit out and I don't want to drag anyone else through it.

2. I live in Utah. I'm gay. There are like 3 lesbians in Cedar. The dating pool isn't very large and I'm not going to date someone just to date someone. Stupid.

3. I love my cat too much. Seriously. I would rather hang out with Calv than try to find a girlfriend in Cedar City. He watches chick flicks with me, doesn't fight with me, cuddles with me, and he isn't very messy.

4. Of the 3 lesbians in Cedar, none of them are sober. I can't date someone who isn't sober....obviously. And I'm not just talking they have a beer every now and then...they drink like I do. And that's scary shit. ha ha

5. I like living alone. I like doing my own thing. I like having time to spend with my family and friends. Sure, it'd be cool to have someone to bring along....but I'd rather go alone than with someone I don't really like. Duh.

6. I am okay with being gay. Sure, it's uncomfortable at times because of the community I live in and because I don't want to offend my family. I don't want to date someone who isn't okay with who they are or who wants to hide the fact that we're in a relationship. I've been running from myself my entire life and I'm finally okay with it (mostly) and I'd rather be alone than pretend I'm not dating someone.

7. Dating is expensive. I'm poor. I don't want to waste my money to impress someone enough to date me. No thanks. I'd rather buy cat treats for Calv. ;) And go on fun vacations with my bestie.

8. Everyone I know that gets in a relationship (myself included) drops off the face of the planet. I don't want to drop off the planet. I like what I'm doing right now and I'm content. I would be really sad if I couldn't do the things I'm doing right now. Sure, I could be a "normal" human and have a healthy relationship where I could keep doing all the things I love to do...but lets face it, that's probably not going to happen right now.

9. I have little to no drama. And mostly no drama. Dating girls (or boys) = drama. I like just being mellow. It's been a nice change.

10. I still miss Jordan. I don't miss all the drama. I don't miss the fights. I don't miss dropping off the planet and literally having no friends and never talking to my family. I don't miss all the stupid shit...but I do miss her and I don't think it'd be fair to get in a relationship if I still have feelings for Jordan. Yes, I'm in touch with reality and I know that I will never be with Jordan again; that doesn't change how I feel.


I know that no matter what happens, whether I am single or in a relationship, I will be okay. And right now, I'm happy. I couldn't ask for anything else. I have a wonderful family, amazing friends, and my life is full of awesomeness. I would not trade my life for anything. Hell yeah, it'd be awesome to have someone to share my life with and to love....but it would be much worse to be with someone I don't really love just so I'm not lonely. I've done that and it was not awesome. So, until I am in a place where I could have a healthy relationship, I will remain a single cat lady.

Grateful

• I'm so grateful for all the wonderful people in my life. I know I say it a lot, but it's true. I have so many amazing friends and family and I feel so blessed to have them in my life. All the new friends I've made since I've been sober are amazing and help me remember why I'm sober. My family and all my old friends who I put through hell and they are still there for me is amazing. I did a lot of stupid shit and I'm grateful that they're still there for me. I'm pretty lucky in the friends and family area. 
• I'm grateful that I am sober. Holy shit, some days I think it'd be awesome to get drunk because sometimes life is life...but then I get to remember why I'm sober. 
• I'm so grateful that I have my own house. It's so nice to be able to go home and just chill. Who cares that I spend only like 8 hours a day there...it's so worth it. 
• I'm grateful for Calv. Seriously, that cat is that coolest cat on earth and I love him. I donno what I'd do without Calvie.
• I'm grateful for chapstick. For real, it's the best thing ever. 
• I'm grateful that I have a car to drive. 
• I'm grateful for my job. It's chill, my co-workers and boss are cool, and I get all the hours I want...plus some! 
• I'm grateful that I have fun stuff planned EVERY weekend for the next two months. Plus some in between. This has been the best summer I can remember in a long time. ....and probably the only summer I remember in a long time, with the exception of last summer ( I just wasn't in the position to focus on fun at that point). 

Happy Sunday!

Weekend fun!

This weekend was jam packed with fun!

• On Friday after work I went to Sand Hollow and got my tan on....and by that I mean I sat on a rock in the sun. The wind was intense but it was still super fun. 
• After the lake we went to St. George and had frozen custard... nom nom nom. 
• Saturday I went to the Women's AA meeting, and then did some "Service" with the women at HHW. It was good to just spend time with them. Plus, I had a delicious lunch with one of my favorite people! 
• Saturday night I went to a BBQ, ate some good food and played horse shoes. It was a good time. 
• After the BBQ we went to Groove Fest! It was fun to just hang out and listen to good music. 

Now it's Sunday morning and I'm at work. When I woke up my eyes were glued shut (allergies)...and they are still puffy...it's really cute. Although my weekend was a lot of fun, now I get to go do everything I should have done on my days off. My house is a nasty, I need to do laundry and I don't wanna do anything but sleep. 

So here's to making sure I get shit done before I have fun next time! 

*Sadly, I didn't take any pictures of anything I did this weekend. I didn't take my phone with my anywhere..which was actually super nice. I need a camera! 

A me kind of day...

Today I couldn't sleep when I got home from work so I got a pedicure and a hair cut. I feel so much better.

Now I'm of to bed for a bit before work. :)

time for a change.

Sometimes I get bored. When I'm bored I usually cut my hair. And then I hate it. Lets be real...I like to have my hair long enough to wear in a ponytail everyday. Or a wet bun.

So I'm gonna get a trim. And maybe I'll even get a pedicure.

I need to do something crazy but maybe this time I won't go completely off the deep end.

Sometimes I have to take a double-take at my own life. Weird, I know....but sometimes it just seems too good to be true. The past few days have been so much fun and I'm so grateful for all the cool things I get to do.

• On Saturday I got off work and couldn't sleep so I decided to go to the Women's AA meeting. I haven't been in months and I'm so glad that I went! I love hearing women share that have 25+ years of sobriety. Pretty cool!

• Saturday night Lindsey and I went to Yankee Meadows where there was an AA camp out going on. We were there for dinner and a speaker meeting. It was fun to get out of Cedar and spend time in nature. Plus, I got to hang out with one of my best friends for the first time in forever! 

• On Sunday I went to Three Peaks with some pretty great people and rode 4-wheelers and a Razor(?)...so much fun! We also went Zombie hunting. The 3 year old kicked some major butt. If I ever have a kid, I really hope she's as cool as Scout. 

• I also got to see my dad for Father's Day. I wish I could have spend more time with him, but it was nice to see him for a bit. 

On Monday I woke up early with no plans except to have a rad day. And a rad day it was. I got to hit the noon AA meeting, have lunch with a freakin' awesome friend, watched some summer games basketball with Joey and hung out at Horizon House for a while. 

Sorry my posts are sorta lame. I just like to remember what I do....and if I don't write it down, I'll forget! :) 

Happy Fathers Day!

Since my sis moved we ate now pen pals...
Today I got my first letter! Yay! Cute right?!

hermitless day 1: summer games

Today was day one of trying to be less "hermit"-like. I'm not sure if it counts, because I was with April...but whatever. I'm counting it.

We went to the Utah Summer Games opening ceremonies. Ya know, I haven't been to it in a few years and tonight I remembered why...

Don't get me wrong, I had fun.....it just had nothing to do with why I paid to get in the gates.
The first hour was spent with people (athletes and the National Guard) walking around the track. Okay, great. That was fun. Glad I got there early for that!
The next 20 minutes was a super gay (literally) boy band from Provo, Utah. Neat-o. Wouldn't pay to see that everyday.
And the reason most people were there was for Nitro Circus from MTV. They were cool. They did cool shit. And then it was over in 20 minutes.

The highlights of the night were:

• laughing at the funny people who were practically sitting on my lap. people watching is fun.
• getting confused as to where i was...for a minute it felt like I was at a BYU devotional. Weird. 
• the walk from the car to the stadium. It was a nice night. 
• hanging with the bestie and her lover. they're fun. 

Needless to say, I probably won't attend next year unless they bring Chelsea Handler or JT. Step it up, USG. 

At least I accomplished my non-hermit day one. I did, however, get a fair amount of cuddle time with Calv in before the event. Gosh, he's cute. No wonder I'd rather be at home. 

hermitville

As many of you know, I'm a hermit. Sure, I still do lots of things that would probably not qualify me as a legit hermit...but at heart I am definitely hermit status. I like to be at home. I like to be by myself. Some people think it's a bad thing; sometimes I get lonely only having Calv around but for the most part I'm pretty happy about it.

I work. A lot. I see a few people during the night. Score.

I do Horizon House stuff 3-4 times a week. I see people then. And they're rad. Yay.

I go to AA. For a while I was only going to one meeting a week, but lately it seems I'm going more and more. So about 3-4 times a week I see people there. Cool beans.

I hang out with April 6-7 days a week.

I hang out with my cats. Everyday.

As much as I love my current hermit-ness, I think it's time I start branching out a bit more. I have lots of people that I absolutely love and would love to spend more time with....but the thought of getting out of my bed an hour earlier than I want to in order to have a dinner date (or anything) makes me cringe.

For the next week, I'm going to step it up a notch and try to be a little less hermit-like. I'm going to branch out and be a real human for a few days --minus the bonus day that will be spent in my bed....unless I find a bed mate. Don't worry, I won't fill you in on those details if that does happen. ;)

I already have some ideas for the next few days, so stay tuned for that. ha ha

Wish me luck! I'm already cringing at the thought of being social beyond my normal duties. EEk! Hey, maybe I'll remember how much I liked being social and start doing it more often....

Angry.

Today while I was feeling angry about something I paused to just feel. I don't do that often and I usually don't know quite how I'm feeling. Either I'm happy or I'm sad. 

While I was feeling angry today, I decided to dig a little deeper and find out why I was so angry with something that had absolutely nothing to do with me, except that I care. As I was trying to think of everything about the situation that was upsetting me, I discovered I'm scared shitless. 

I'm scared of myself.

I'm scared of the future.

I'm scared of my past.

I'm scared of the dark. 

I'm scared that I'll relapse.

I'm scared that my cat will die unexpectedly.

I'm scared that I'll lose Joey.

I'm scared my best friend will hate me tomorrow.

I'm scared that my parents might die (um, hello...everyone dies). 

I'm scared that I'll never get into school. 

I'm scared that I'll never get out of Cedar.

I'm scared I'll never find love.

I'm scared of settling. 

I'm scared of not settling. 

I'm scared to end up alone. 

I'm scared to end up with someone I end up despising. 

I'm scared. 

So...while it's easier for me to be angry at someone else for something they did that doesn't have anything to do with me, I realized that I'm just a scared mess. And if you're wondering, yes...I really do worry about all of those things on a daily basis. Not to mention worrying about whether or not I turned off the lights, left my hair straightener on, locked the doors, left the oven on, etc. Perhaps I have mild anxiety. ha 

Anyway, right now I'm okay. And that's all that matters. As long as I stay in the here and now, everything else seems to take care of itself. The past year has proven that to me...now I just gotta keep doing it. 

Sorry that this is weird and cryptic and probably makes no sense. Oh well. :) 

real life vs. summer life

 I'm not in school and my work schedule stays the same year round. Fall, winter, spring and summer really don't make much of an impact on my other duties (work, volunteer, etc), but it seems like there is ALWAYS something going on.

I have had something every weekend since May and I have stuff lined up for every weekend until August. This week on Friday, Saturday and Sunday there is a camp out....I should go, but I am deciding to take a weekend that I don't have to be anywhere. No work, no activities lined up, just free time. I couldn't be happier. Plus, lets be real...with so many activities, my money situation sure could use a break for a week.

While I really do enjoy having something to do all the time, sometimes summer life is more exhausting than "real" life. I feel more worn out on my days off than on the days I work....unless I work and then have shit to do, too.

What I'm saying is that I want a vacation. The kind that's relaxing. Not the kind that you feel like shit when you get home because you never stopped. I want to relax and not worry about shit. So this weekend, I'm going to turn my phone to "airplane" mode and take my vacation, right in my own bed.

the coma has ended...

Yesterday (Saturday) after work I got to go do a "car wash" to raise money for the free Thanksgiving dinner and Sub for Santa that we do for the Mentor program. We raised about $400.00 (between two locations) and spent about 6 hours washing cars/hanging out. By the time I got home at 2pm I was beat. I didn't even shower before I got in bed...gag. 

I slept...and slept. I didn't get out of bed until 6am on Sunday. ha ha...and then I felt like I was hungover, so I slept some more. 

I did make it to the 11am AA meeting and that was much needed. Then I got to see April for her birthday and then another meeting. 

Then I slept again until work. And here I am...tired as hell. I guess I'll be spending Monday in my bed, too! :) 

Thanks to everyone who came and supported our car wash! We'll have more where that came from, I'm sure. 

No zzz's for meeee

It's currently 6am on Saturday morning. I have been awake since about Thursday at 4pm. I did, however get one short cat nap with Calv mixed in there. 

I'm tired, I'm hungry, and i haven't washed my hair since Thursday. Gross. 

Today when I get off work in about 1.5 hours, I get to run home and shower and then head out to the fabulous car wash we're doing to raise money for Sub-for-Santa and free Thanksgiving dinner. Hooray. I can't say I wouldn't rather sleep right now, however, I know if I miss it because I'm sleeping I'll regret it later. Darn, I hate that. So...I'm not going to sleep and I'm gonna rock this car wash. 

Yesterday was a great day. 

• therapy session at the truck stop (i wasn't being the therapist this time, either). i wasn't even on shift. weird.
• spiritual hike with the women at HHW. it was supposed to be spiritual, but no one was feelin' it, so we just talked and laughed. it was a lot of fun!
• mowed gma and gpa's lawn <3 got to say hi to them. 
• cuddled with Calv for a crazy amount of time. 
• tried to made an "UP" cake for April's b-day.

Nothing fabulous, just lots of really little things that added up.

Plus a great surprise when I was heading home to sleep before work (which didn't happen)- Jordan and Britt showed up and we got to visit for a while. It was nice to see them. 

AND, I got a phone call from my handsome brother!

Today is my Friday!

7 hours of work and I'll be enjoying a day off! I'm the only person at work who will work graveyards...so it's crazy right now. I'll be glad when the other graveyard dude gets back from his summer vacation (4 weeks).

Wednesday was cool. I got off work at 7:30am, went home and started laundry and then went for a bike ride! I love that I've been making time to ride my bike. I feel soooo much better when I do it and it makes me fall asleep even more quickly. Plus, I'm hoping that if I ride it for a few weeks I'll be able to actually start running...I miss running a lot!

Wednesday evening I started the tobacco cessation group at Horzion House. It was pretty cool. I wasn't very prepared, so that's something I'll have to do better next week. I found out that I will get a stipend to teach the class that I thought I was volunteering to do! Cool! My phone will be paid for each month. I like that.

I got to hit up WOW Wednesday with my bestie...even though I really shouldn't be drinking Coke, it tasted oh-so-wonderful!

Nothing too exciting is going on in my life but I have so much going for me right now.

For my day off I plan to go for a bike ride, dinner date with my dad, and clean my house. Plus I have some cake baking to do. Maybe I'll get crazy and go tanning, too. ;)

Yesterday

Yesterday rocked.
I went on a bike ride. Went grocery shopping. Made some bomb good. And I got more sleep in a row than I have in months.

Fans and stuff

• My dad rocks. He came to my house on Sunday night and hooked me up with a sweet fan set-up. You see, my house was built 149 years ago or something and has no AC or anything of the sorts. When it is 80 degrees outside it's at least 10 degree hotter in my house. Gag. Plus, since I work graves I sleep during the day when it's the hottest. My dad came and fixed my screen so Calv and Gretch can't get out and then rigged some fans for me and it's been amazing! When I got home from work on Monday morning it felt amazing in my house....by 10pm..not so much, but that's cool because I got to come to work anyway. I think everyone needs a dad like mine. 

• Joey and Carson are two of the coolest dudes ever. Listening to them Skype with each other yesterday was one of the funnier/sweeter things I've ever seen. They're so cute. 

• I got to go to HHW to make some resumes with the girls in the house last night. It's fun getting to know the girls and it's also a good reminder of where I was a year ago. Plus, they'll eat my cooking mishaps...ha.  I'm so, so grateful that I got to go to rehab and that I get to keep going and giving back. What a wonderful program. I'm very blessed and my life just keeps getting better. 

• Today (Tuesday) is my "do nothing" day. I like that kind of day. I'm going to go for a bike ride, clean my house and bake some shit. Then I'll probably cuddle with my kitties. Living the dream, baby. 

• I've killed 3 huge giant crickets at work tonight...at least I hope they're crickets. They look so creepy. Thank goodness the broom provides a perfect weapon. 

• My bestie turns 26 on Sunday. JONES SODA PARTY! :) 

Weekend bliss

This weekend was so much fun and much needed.

1. Went to SLC with my bestie. Hit up gay pride for like ten minutes and it was sorta lame unless you were drunk...so we went to lagoon!! Sooo much fun. :)) We drive up and back in the same day so we'd have all of Sunday to get things done.

2. On Sunday I woke up early to go see Joey since he got home from Florida late Saturday night. I love him so much.
3. Went on a 3 mile bike ride.
4. Went to the Sunday morning AA meeting.
5. Lunch with the fam.
6. Mentor meeting.
7. Fixed a screen on my window and got some fans going so I don't melt in my house...well, my dad did that anyway ;)
8. Back at work now and ready for a new week!

Having the weekend off was wonderful. I feel like I got a lot done and I had tons of fun!

Here's to a kick ass week!