Single Cat Lady

Lately I've been asked why I'm not dating anyone. Here's why:

1. I wanted to take some time (a year or so) to get my shit together. A year ago I was living in rehab, had 5 pairs of basketball shorts and a couple of t-shirts (lost all my other shit), and had been sober for a month...not exactly dating material. ha. It's been a little over a year since I got out of a relationship and got sober. That may seem like a long time to you, but for me it seems like yesterday. I am still figuring my shit out and I don't want to drag anyone else through it.

2. I live in Utah. I'm gay. There are like 3 lesbians in Cedar. The dating pool isn't very large and I'm not going to date someone just to date someone. Stupid.

3. I love my cat too much. Seriously. I would rather hang out with Calv than try to find a girlfriend in Cedar City. He watches chick flicks with me, doesn't fight with me, cuddles with me, and he isn't very messy.

4. Of the 3 lesbians in Cedar, none of them are sober. I can't date someone who isn't sober....obviously. And I'm not just talking they have a beer every now and then...they drink like I do. And that's scary shit. ha ha

5. I like living alone. I like doing my own thing. I like having time to spend with my family and friends. Sure, it'd be cool to have someone to bring along....but I'd rather go alone than with someone I don't really like. Duh.

6. I am okay with being gay. Sure, it's uncomfortable at times because of the community I live in and because I don't want to offend my family. I don't want to date someone who isn't okay with who they are or who wants to hide the fact that we're in a relationship. I've been running from myself my entire life and I'm finally okay with it (mostly) and I'd rather be alone than pretend I'm not dating someone.

7. Dating is expensive. I'm poor. I don't want to waste my money to impress someone enough to date me. No thanks. I'd rather buy cat treats for Calv. ;) And go on fun vacations with my bestie.

8. Everyone I know that gets in a relationship (myself included) drops off the face of the planet. I don't want to drop off the planet. I like what I'm doing right now and I'm content. I would be really sad if I couldn't do the things I'm doing right now. Sure, I could be a "normal" human and have a healthy relationship where I could keep doing all the things I love to do...but lets face it, that's probably not going to happen right now.

9. I have little to no drama. And mostly no drama. Dating girls (or boys) = drama. I like just being mellow. It's been a nice change.

10. I still miss Jordan. I don't miss all the drama. I don't miss the fights. I don't miss dropping off the planet and literally having no friends and never talking to my family. I don't miss all the stupid shit...but I do miss her and I don't think it'd be fair to get in a relationship if I still have feelings for Jordan. Yes, I'm in touch with reality and I know that I will never be with Jordan again; that doesn't change how I feel.


I know that no matter what happens, whether I am single or in a relationship, I will be okay. And right now, I'm happy. I couldn't ask for anything else. I have a wonderful family, amazing friends, and my life is full of awesomeness. I would not trade my life for anything. Hell yeah, it'd be awesome to have someone to share my life with and to love....but it would be much worse to be with someone I don't really love just so I'm not lonely. I've done that and it was not awesome. So, until I am in a place where I could have a healthy relationship, I will remain a single cat lady.

Grateful

• I'm so grateful for all the wonderful people in my life. I know I say it a lot, but it's true. I have so many amazing friends and family and I feel so blessed to have them in my life. All the new friends I've made since I've been sober are amazing and help me remember why I'm sober. My family and all my old friends who I put through hell and they are still there for me is amazing. I did a lot of stupid shit and I'm grateful that they're still there for me. I'm pretty lucky in the friends and family area. 
• I'm grateful that I am sober. Holy shit, some days I think it'd be awesome to get drunk because sometimes life is life...but then I get to remember why I'm sober. 
• I'm so grateful that I have my own house. It's so nice to be able to go home and just chill. Who cares that I spend only like 8 hours a day there...it's so worth it. 
• I'm grateful for Calv. Seriously, that cat is that coolest cat on earth and I love him. I donno what I'd do without Calvie.
• I'm grateful for chapstick. For real, it's the best thing ever. 
• I'm grateful that I have a car to drive. 
• I'm grateful for my job. It's chill, my co-workers and boss are cool, and I get all the hours I want...plus some! 
• I'm grateful that I have fun stuff planned EVERY weekend for the next two months. Plus some in between. This has been the best summer I can remember in a long time. ....and probably the only summer I remember in a long time, with the exception of last summer ( I just wasn't in the position to focus on fun at that point). 

Happy Sunday!

Weekend fun!

This weekend was jam packed with fun!

• On Friday after work I went to Sand Hollow and got my tan on....and by that I mean I sat on a rock in the sun. The wind was intense but it was still super fun. 
• After the lake we went to St. George and had frozen custard... nom nom nom. 
• Saturday I went to the Women's AA meeting, and then did some "Service" with the women at HHW. It was good to just spend time with them. Plus, I had a delicious lunch with one of my favorite people! 
• Saturday night I went to a BBQ, ate some good food and played horse shoes. It was a good time. 
• After the BBQ we went to Groove Fest! It was fun to just hang out and listen to good music. 

Now it's Sunday morning and I'm at work. When I woke up my eyes were glued shut (allergies)...and they are still puffy...it's really cute. Although my weekend was a lot of fun, now I get to go do everything I should have done on my days off. My house is a nasty, I need to do laundry and I don't wanna do anything but sleep. 

So here's to making sure I get shit done before I have fun next time! 

*Sadly, I didn't take any pictures of anything I did this weekend. I didn't take my phone with my anywhere..which was actually super nice. I need a camera! 

A me kind of day...

Today I couldn't sleep when I got home from work so I got a pedicure and a hair cut. I feel so much better.

Now I'm of to bed for a bit before work. :)

time for a change.

Sometimes I get bored. When I'm bored I usually cut my hair. And then I hate it. Lets be real...I like to have my hair long enough to wear in a ponytail everyday. Or a wet bun.

So I'm gonna get a trim. And maybe I'll even get a pedicure.

I need to do something crazy but maybe this time I won't go completely off the deep end.

Sometimes I have to take a double-take at my own life. Weird, I know....but sometimes it just seems too good to be true. The past few days have been so much fun and I'm so grateful for all the cool things I get to do.

• On Saturday I got off work and couldn't sleep so I decided to go to the Women's AA meeting. I haven't been in months and I'm so glad that I went! I love hearing women share that have 25+ years of sobriety. Pretty cool!

• Saturday night Lindsey and I went to Yankee Meadows where there was an AA camp out going on. We were there for dinner and a speaker meeting. It was fun to get out of Cedar and spend time in nature. Plus, I got to hang out with one of my best friends for the first time in forever! 

• On Sunday I went to Three Peaks with some pretty great people and rode 4-wheelers and a Razor(?)...so much fun! We also went Zombie hunting. The 3 year old kicked some major butt. If I ever have a kid, I really hope she's as cool as Scout. 

• I also got to see my dad for Father's Day. I wish I could have spend more time with him, but it was nice to see him for a bit. 

On Monday I woke up early with no plans except to have a rad day. And a rad day it was. I got to hit the noon AA meeting, have lunch with a freakin' awesome friend, watched some summer games basketball with Joey and hung out at Horizon House for a while. 

Sorry my posts are sorta lame. I just like to remember what I do....and if I don't write it down, I'll forget! :) 

Happy Fathers Day!

Since my sis moved we ate now pen pals...
Today I got my first letter! Yay! Cute right?!

hermitless day 1: summer games

Today was day one of trying to be less "hermit"-like. I'm not sure if it counts, because I was with April...but whatever. I'm counting it.

We went to the Utah Summer Games opening ceremonies. Ya know, I haven't been to it in a few years and tonight I remembered why...

Don't get me wrong, I had fun.....it just had nothing to do with why I paid to get in the gates.
The first hour was spent with people (athletes and the National Guard) walking around the track. Okay, great. That was fun. Glad I got there early for that!
The next 20 minutes was a super gay (literally) boy band from Provo, Utah. Neat-o. Wouldn't pay to see that everyday.
And the reason most people were there was for Nitro Circus from MTV. They were cool. They did cool shit. And then it was over in 20 minutes.

The highlights of the night were:

• laughing at the funny people who were practically sitting on my lap. people watching is fun.
• getting confused as to where i was...for a minute it felt like I was at a BYU devotional. Weird. 
• the walk from the car to the stadium. It was a nice night. 
• hanging with the bestie and her lover. they're fun. 

Needless to say, I probably won't attend next year unless they bring Chelsea Handler or JT. Step it up, USG. 

At least I accomplished my non-hermit day one. I did, however, get a fair amount of cuddle time with Calv in before the event. Gosh, he's cute. No wonder I'd rather be at home. 

hermitville

As many of you know, I'm a hermit. Sure, I still do lots of things that would probably not qualify me as a legit hermit...but at heart I am definitely hermit status. I like to be at home. I like to be by myself. Some people think it's a bad thing; sometimes I get lonely only having Calv around but for the most part I'm pretty happy about it.

I work. A lot. I see a few people during the night. Score.

I do Horizon House stuff 3-4 times a week. I see people then. And they're rad. Yay.

I go to AA. For a while I was only going to one meeting a week, but lately it seems I'm going more and more. So about 3-4 times a week I see people there. Cool beans.

I hang out with April 6-7 days a week.

I hang out with my cats. Everyday.

As much as I love my current hermit-ness, I think it's time I start branching out a bit more. I have lots of people that I absolutely love and would love to spend more time with....but the thought of getting out of my bed an hour earlier than I want to in order to have a dinner date (or anything) makes me cringe.

For the next week, I'm going to step it up a notch and try to be a little less hermit-like. I'm going to branch out and be a real human for a few days --minus the bonus day that will be spent in my bed....unless I find a bed mate. Don't worry, I won't fill you in on those details if that does happen. ;)

I already have some ideas for the next few days, so stay tuned for that. ha ha

Wish me luck! I'm already cringing at the thought of being social beyond my normal duties. EEk! Hey, maybe I'll remember how much I liked being social and start doing it more often....

Angry.

Today while I was feeling angry about something I paused to just feel. I don't do that often and I usually don't know quite how I'm feeling. Either I'm happy or I'm sad. 

While I was feeling angry today, I decided to dig a little deeper and find out why I was so angry with something that had absolutely nothing to do with me, except that I care. As I was trying to think of everything about the situation that was upsetting me, I discovered I'm scared shitless. 

I'm scared of myself.

I'm scared of the future.

I'm scared of my past.

I'm scared of the dark. 

I'm scared that I'll relapse.

I'm scared that my cat will die unexpectedly.

I'm scared that I'll lose Joey.

I'm scared my best friend will hate me tomorrow.

I'm scared that my parents might die (um, hello...everyone dies). 

I'm scared that I'll never get into school. 

I'm scared that I'll never get out of Cedar.

I'm scared I'll never find love.

I'm scared of settling. 

I'm scared of not settling. 

I'm scared to end up alone. 

I'm scared to end up with someone I end up despising. 

I'm scared. 

So...while it's easier for me to be angry at someone else for something they did that doesn't have anything to do with me, I realized that I'm just a scared mess. And if you're wondering, yes...I really do worry about all of those things on a daily basis. Not to mention worrying about whether or not I turned off the lights, left my hair straightener on, locked the doors, left the oven on, etc. Perhaps I have mild anxiety. ha 

Anyway, right now I'm okay. And that's all that matters. As long as I stay in the here and now, everything else seems to take care of itself. The past year has proven that to me...now I just gotta keep doing it. 

Sorry that this is weird and cryptic and probably makes no sense. Oh well. :) 

real life vs. summer life

 I'm not in school and my work schedule stays the same year round. Fall, winter, spring and summer really don't make much of an impact on my other duties (work, volunteer, etc), but it seems like there is ALWAYS something going on.

I have had something every weekend since May and I have stuff lined up for every weekend until August. This week on Friday, Saturday and Sunday there is a camp out....I should go, but I am deciding to take a weekend that I don't have to be anywhere. No work, no activities lined up, just free time. I couldn't be happier. Plus, lets be real...with so many activities, my money situation sure could use a break for a week.

While I really do enjoy having something to do all the time, sometimes summer life is more exhausting than "real" life. I feel more worn out on my days off than on the days I work....unless I work and then have shit to do, too.

What I'm saying is that I want a vacation. The kind that's relaxing. Not the kind that you feel like shit when you get home because you never stopped. I want to relax and not worry about shit. So this weekend, I'm going to turn my phone to "airplane" mode and take my vacation, right in my own bed.

the coma has ended...

Yesterday (Saturday) after work I got to go do a "car wash" to raise money for the free Thanksgiving dinner and Sub for Santa that we do for the Mentor program. We raised about $400.00 (between two locations) and spent about 6 hours washing cars/hanging out. By the time I got home at 2pm I was beat. I didn't even shower before I got in bed...gag. 

I slept...and slept. I didn't get out of bed until 6am on Sunday. ha ha...and then I felt like I was hungover, so I slept some more. 

I did make it to the 11am AA meeting and that was much needed. Then I got to see April for her birthday and then another meeting. 

Then I slept again until work. And here I am...tired as hell. I guess I'll be spending Monday in my bed, too! :) 

Thanks to everyone who came and supported our car wash! We'll have more where that came from, I'm sure. 

No zzz's for meeee

It's currently 6am on Saturday morning. I have been awake since about Thursday at 4pm. I did, however get one short cat nap with Calv mixed in there. 

I'm tired, I'm hungry, and i haven't washed my hair since Thursday. Gross. 

Today when I get off work in about 1.5 hours, I get to run home and shower and then head out to the fabulous car wash we're doing to raise money for Sub-for-Santa and free Thanksgiving dinner. Hooray. I can't say I wouldn't rather sleep right now, however, I know if I miss it because I'm sleeping I'll regret it later. Darn, I hate that. So...I'm not going to sleep and I'm gonna rock this car wash. 

Yesterday was a great day. 

• therapy session at the truck stop (i wasn't being the therapist this time, either). i wasn't even on shift. weird.
• spiritual hike with the women at HHW. it was supposed to be spiritual, but no one was feelin' it, so we just talked and laughed. it was a lot of fun!
• mowed gma and gpa's lawn <3 got to say hi to them. 
• cuddled with Calv for a crazy amount of time. 
• tried to made an "UP" cake for April's b-day.

Nothing fabulous, just lots of really little things that added up.

Plus a great surprise when I was heading home to sleep before work (which didn't happen)- Jordan and Britt showed up and we got to visit for a while. It was nice to see them. 

AND, I got a phone call from my handsome brother!

Today is my Friday!

7 hours of work and I'll be enjoying a day off! I'm the only person at work who will work graveyards...so it's crazy right now. I'll be glad when the other graveyard dude gets back from his summer vacation (4 weeks).

Wednesday was cool. I got off work at 7:30am, went home and started laundry and then went for a bike ride! I love that I've been making time to ride my bike. I feel soooo much better when I do it and it makes me fall asleep even more quickly. Plus, I'm hoping that if I ride it for a few weeks I'll be able to actually start running...I miss running a lot!

Wednesday evening I started the tobacco cessation group at Horzion House. It was pretty cool. I wasn't very prepared, so that's something I'll have to do better next week. I found out that I will get a stipend to teach the class that I thought I was volunteering to do! Cool! My phone will be paid for each month. I like that.

I got to hit up WOW Wednesday with my bestie...even though I really shouldn't be drinking Coke, it tasted oh-so-wonderful!

Nothing too exciting is going on in my life but I have so much going for me right now.

For my day off I plan to go for a bike ride, dinner date with my dad, and clean my house. Plus I have some cake baking to do. Maybe I'll get crazy and go tanning, too. ;)

Yesterday

Yesterday rocked.
I went on a bike ride. Went grocery shopping. Made some bomb good. And I got more sleep in a row than I have in months.

Fans and stuff

• My dad rocks. He came to my house on Sunday night and hooked me up with a sweet fan set-up. You see, my house was built 149 years ago or something and has no AC or anything of the sorts. When it is 80 degrees outside it's at least 10 degree hotter in my house. Gag. Plus, since I work graves I sleep during the day when it's the hottest. My dad came and fixed my screen so Calv and Gretch can't get out and then rigged some fans for me and it's been amazing! When I got home from work on Monday morning it felt amazing in my house....by 10pm..not so much, but that's cool because I got to come to work anyway. I think everyone needs a dad like mine. 

• Joey and Carson are two of the coolest dudes ever. Listening to them Skype with each other yesterday was one of the funnier/sweeter things I've ever seen. They're so cute. 

• I got to go to HHW to make some resumes with the girls in the house last night. It's fun getting to know the girls and it's also a good reminder of where I was a year ago. Plus, they'll eat my cooking mishaps...ha.  I'm so, so grateful that I got to go to rehab and that I get to keep going and giving back. What a wonderful program. I'm very blessed and my life just keeps getting better. 

• Today (Tuesday) is my "do nothing" day. I like that kind of day. I'm going to go for a bike ride, clean my house and bake some shit. Then I'll probably cuddle with my kitties. Living the dream, baby. 

• I've killed 3 huge giant crickets at work tonight...at least I hope they're crickets. They look so creepy. Thank goodness the broom provides a perfect weapon. 

• My bestie turns 26 on Sunday. JONES SODA PARTY! :) 

Weekend bliss

This weekend was so much fun and much needed.

1. Went to SLC with my bestie. Hit up gay pride for like ten minutes and it was sorta lame unless you were drunk...so we went to lagoon!! Sooo much fun. :)) We drive up and back in the same day so we'd have all of Sunday to get things done.

2. On Sunday I woke up early to go see Joey since he got home from Florida late Saturday night. I love him so much.
3. Went on a 3 mile bike ride.
4. Went to the Sunday morning AA meeting.
5. Lunch with the fam.
6. Mentor meeting.
7. Fixed a screen on my window and got some fans going so I don't melt in my house...well, my dad did that anyway ;)
8. Back at work now and ready for a new week!

Having the weekend off was wonderful. I feel like I got a lot done and I had tons of fun!

Here's to a kick ass week!

Happy list

I have lots to be happy about and I don't wanna forget it. Plus, sometimes when I'm in a shitty place it's nice to be able to read these lists and remind myself of all that I have to be grateful for these days. 

• Even though my bro is in Florida for a few days, I get to talk to him at least once a day. Phones are pretty stellar. I can always count on Joey Buffalo Decker to cheer me up...
• I've been going through old photographs that my parents have at their house and scanning them so that I'll have them. Looking at all the cute pictures has really made me realize how lucky I am. Here's a few:

Dad and Jill

Buddy, me, Dad, Anne

Dad 

Papa and Jill

Anne, Dad, me, Buddy

Dad reading to me

Grandpa & Jill

Dad and Jill

*I'll post some of my mom and grandma's soon. :) 

• I'm very grateful for my dad. He's always been my hero and the person I look up to. I love all of the pictures that I have with him... Unfortunately, we don't have many photos together in the last 10 years...I need to work on that! 
• I'm grateful for both of my grandpas. They are two of the coolest guys I know and I'm so grateful that I've gotten to spend this much of my life with them. 
• Sunshine! It has been absolutely perfect outside! I love warm weather and I'm stoked for summer. 
• Calvie. I just love him so much and I'm glad he's mine. :)
• New friends & old friends. I love it when "new" friends seem more like "old" friends because it just seems so natural. 
• Road trips! 
• Reading a good book. 
• Diet Coke with Vanilla- WOW Wednesday with April. 
• cooking, baking, etc. I am not exactly good at it, but I enjoy it. 
• Clean house. 
• Clean sheets. 
• Clean laundry. Yumm
• music.
• sleeping in
• writing letters/receiving letters :)
• talking on the phone to friends who don't live near. I gotta be better about this one. 
• watching a good movie, cuddled up in bed...with Calv. 

Everyone is loved by someone...

So...I'm a bitch. I judge people I don't know, especially at work. Truckers aren't always the nicest looking, happiest people on earth and sometimes I jump to the conclusion that they aren't real people. Tonight as I've been sitting here at work (with no internet except on my phone) thinking, I realized that all of these people are loved. Maybe not by me. Maybe not by many...but loved all the same. They have parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandmothers, grandfathers, children, siblings, friends, bosses, employees and neighbors.

I need to remind myself of this more often. Everyone has a story...and everyone is loved.  Just remembering this simple truth helps me be a little more patient and understanding.

Just random stuff

I miss my bro.
I'm watching the last 3 episodes of New Girl...I dunno how it's taken me so long to do so.
I love Calv more everyday.
This summer is gonna be jam packed with fun.
My bestie turns 26 in two weeks. Old fart.

Life is good.

Pinterest

I love pinterest. I pin more shit than I know what to do with.

And more often than not I overestimate my ability to be a Betty homemaker.

Todays mishap: monster cake balls.

The first pic is mine. The second pic is what I was trying to do...

Allergies

So...for real, allergies can suck it.

Gratitude

Grateful for my fam.
Grateful for my Calv.
Grateful for my friends.
Grateful I have a job.
Grateful that I have a cute place to live and that I live alone. I live it.
Grateful for the time I got to spend with my family today and yesterday. I'll sure miss my parents and Joey while they are in Florida!!
Grateful for an awesome boss.
Grateful I'm getting overtime this week even with mini vacation mixed in!

Life is good. I got enough sleep today and it sure makes a big difference. :)

:)

Ohhhh boy, he did it.

My baby bro graduated high school...with honors. ;)

After attending the practice and the actual graduation, I can honestly say I never want to go to another graduation. Wooooof. Long and boring.

Now dinner with the fam... :)

Joey graduates today!

More pics coming after the ceremony :)

I love you, bro.

Jones Soda kind of night...

Every time I think my life couldn't get any better, it does. What the heck?

Nothing major happened, just lots of little things. Life is wonderful.



I had a "Jones Soda BBQ" tonight with April and Ty Ty. For a while, we couldn't find Jones Soda anywhere! But, the Mav did us a big one and started selling them in the bottles. Holy smokes, I think I forgot how delicious (and full of sugar) they are. Yummmmm. We'll be having more Jones Soda nights soon, I'm sure.

Tonight while I should have been napping, I watched a movie called Pariah instead. I didn't really know what to expect as it was just one of the only movies in the RedBox I hadn't previously rented (lame, I know). It was really good---and really sad. If you haven't heard of it, look it up if you have some spare time. I couldn't necessarily related to the story (well, parts of it), but I could relate a lot to the feeling of being an "outcast", especially right after I came out to my family. It made me sad that anyone has to feel so alone for something that they have no control over...

That being said, I'm grateful that even though my family and I have different beliefs we are able to have a pretty good relationship. In fact, I would probably have to say it's the best it's ever been right now. A few years ago, my life/relationship with my parents was horrible. I hated who I was and I hated them for what they believed. Now I love me and I love them, too.

I really am lucky to have so many supportive people in my life. I hear so many horror stories about people getting disowned, losing all their friends, not being able to rent an apartment, and get fired...all for being gay. I have yet to experience any of the above due to being gay and for that I'm very grateful. I'm so glad that my friends didn't get all weird, my boss gives me as many hours as I want, and I still get to see my fam. What more could a girl ask for? Oh, and my BFF April and my kick ass sponsor (who both happen to be straight) are going to gay pride with me...NOW that's sweet! :)

Wall art...

I love him. :)

Grateful

I haven't dedicated a post to gratitude for a minute...and I'm grateful, so here we go:

• I'm grateful for the best friend in the world. I donno what I'd do without Ape Dog. Furreal. 
• I'm grateful for Joe Bear and that I get to see him/talk to him everyday. More to come on him later this week for his high school GRADUATION party post. 
• I'm grateful for Horizon House. I'm so, so grateful for the staff and all the wonderful women I got to be in treatment with for a couple of months and then aftercare for the last year. It's been quite the ride and I wouldn't trade it for anything. 
• I'm grateful that I get to be part of the mentor program at Horizon House. I love everyone in it and what we do. Today I got a cake for becoming a real mentor since I have a year sober now...I'm not sure what I was before that...ha ha 
• I'm grateful for Tia and her cute kids. They're the nicest kids in the world and I hope that if I ever have kids they turn out half as nice (and cute). :) 
• I'm grateful for my kick ass sponsor. She's the raddest (yes, I know....not a word) lady in the world and I'm so blessed to have her in my life. I feel bad for anyone who doesn't know her/get to hang out with her. 
• I'm grateful for my dad. He's the nicest guy in the world and I'm so grateful that he's my dad. He's a wonderful example to me about being Christ-like. I think if everyone were like my dad, the world would have farrrrrrr less problems. 
• I'm grateful for my mother. Although we don't always agree, I love her and I'm grateful that she's my mom. 
• I'm grateful that my mom's parents live so close! I need to be better about seeing them these days. 
• I'm grateful for my dad's parents--and even though they don't live near, they show their love by sending cards. I'm really blessed to have such awesome grandparents on both sides of the fam! 
• I'm grateful for all my aunts, uncles, and especially cousins. I have such fun memories from my childhood with them. 
• I'm grateful for my Calv. Even though he learned how to spray (gag) and he's a little horn dog these days, I love him to death. Annnd, I kinda like Gretch, tooooo.
• I'm grateful for all my wonderful friends. They all bring such wonderful and different things to my life and I'm blessed to have them all. 
• I'm grateful to be sober. After the Candle Light Vigil last night, it reminded me (even though I know) that people actually die from Alcoholism/drugs. I guess I just don't think about that very often anymore since I've been sober...but I'm very blessed to be here and be sober. 
• I'm grateful for my cute little house. I really am very lucky to live there! 
• I'm grateful for summer! I love that there are so many fun things coming up...it's gonna be a damn-good-busy-as-shit-summer and I'm stoked! 

I could go on, but I'll save the rest for later. ;) Happy Monday!

wowza

It's Sunday morning at 4:52 right now. I'm tired, to say the least. I've had a long ass couple of days, jam packed with fun...and now I'm ready for bed! Good thing I don't work tonight and I only have 2.5 more hours left at work right now. Wahoooo.

Yesterday was super busy and also one of the best days I've had in months. Luckily for me, I have an awesome bestie and we spent most of the day together.

April and I walk/ran the 5k for the Children's Justice Center---didn't train for it, not even one time. Ha ha...shit show, but it was for a good cause. ;)

Then April went to clean her moms headstone, so I accompanied her. Good times. The thing looks brand new. Good work, Ape.

Then I went and played horseshoes. First time for everything, right? Shannon and I were in the semi-finals and then lost....by a lot! It was a lot of fun though; the weather was perfect. Yum.

And then, later on that evening it was the Candle Light Vigil. I was a little worried because we didn't know what to expect, as this was our first year putting it on. It turned out wonderfully and there was a great turn out. A few people shared their experiences with losing loved ones. Luckily my eyes were already watering from allergies, so no one could tell if I was crying or not. We all got a white balloon and wrote/drew messages on them and then released them. It was really neat and I'm so grateful that this all worked out. This was going to be a small, one-time event but as we planned it, it got bigger and now we're going to do it annually. I think it's a really great way to honor loved ones who have passed away. Here's to making next year even better!

And last but not least, today was the solar eclipse. I guess since I live in the smallest, hickville town on earth I should have know that this would be the biggest deal in the world. Apparently special glasses were needed in order to view the eclipse without injuring your eye...so people forked out lots of money for glasses and then the "hot spot" was in a tiny ass town 8 miles south of Cedar....there were literally thousands of people lining the one road...and blocking the damn road, too. April and I drove out there just to see what all the hype was about. Mostly, we just figured it was a bunch of really bored Mormons on a Sunday with nothing else to do. So we took pictures and videos of them. And we didn't watch the eclipse. Maybe next time. ;)

Welp, I'm going to prepare for my day off now by jamming to some tunes and cleaning the shit outta the truck stop! Peace out.

Helllllo out there...

Well kids...I've joined the ranks of a smart phone finally. Yay!

This morning April and I ran a 5k. woo!!

Now off for some horseshoes.

Fabulous Saturday!

the past few days and the next few days...

Life is grand. It's about damn time, right? ;) I feel happier than I have in months, I don't miss Jordan like I used to, and I ready to move the hell on. Finally. Sure, I'll always care about Jordan...but it's different now. Before I think I would have dropped everything for her and I couldn't be with anyone else because it felt wrong; now I would be there for her but wouldn't drop my own life and I think I can finally move on. Feels good! 

Anyway, besides moving the hell on, I've had a really great week! I got to go to a 2 day training for a peer tobacco support group that I get to start running. I'm really excited! It's a great program and I think it'll be really awesome! Yay for that!

Today I decided to sign up for a 5k on Saturday. Have I been running? No. But I sure am excited! ha ha

I'm also in a horseshoe tournament on Saturday evening. Weird, but I'm excited for that too!

Saturday night we're having a candle light vigil/memorial. I am beyond excited for this...we've been planning it for months and it's fun to see it actually happen. 

Tomorrow I'm going to St. George with my bestie to go laptop shopping. Should be good times. Plus, it's getting out of Cedar...so even better. 

This morning at about 4am I woke up. I wasn't tired and I didn't have anything to do so I moved ALL the furniture in my living room. I swept under all of it and re-arranged it. By the time I was done I decided I liked it better the way it was before I moved it, so I moved it all back. At least it got cleaned underneath, right? ha ha...and then I went back to bed. 

Life really is so good. I couldn't ask for anything more. Thank God I'm sober and can actually have a life these days. :)

today

• I get to spend the day at a training. After working all night, it'll make for a long day...but i'm excited!
• I will try to be a little bit better.
• I'm grateful for my life. I'm grateful for all the wonderful people in it. I really am so lucky.
• I will look forward to 4pm when I get to sleep a little before work and cuddle with my baby. 
• WILL BE A GREAT DAY!

April and I in Vegas :)

Vegas getaway and my weekend recap

Vegas was jam packed with fun:

• poolside for a few hours upon arriving in Sin City. the best part was people watching. i swear some people took as much time getting ready for the pool as they do to go to the club. funny. 
• went to lunch by my old apartment. it was fun to go over there but it made me miss Jordan a little. whatever, lunch was bomb and it wasn't 20 dollars for a sandwich. bonus of not eating on the Strip. 
• went to the mall. i sat on a bench and people watched while April went shopping for a bit. it was relaxing and i liked it. 
• got back to our hotel and gambled! April hated it at first, but i'm pretty sure she liked it by the end. ;)
• i won 30 dollars...and quickly lost it. ha ha
• went to the New York, New York- my favorite (or former favorite) place in the world. we went to the Irish Pub because they have a cool band that plays there. turns out it's only cool if you're wasted...so we left shortly after arriving. 
• rode the roller coaster! way fun. 
• gambled some more. 
• met two boys....they gave us money to gamble with...and then wanted to go back to their room. sorry April for being a downer on that little party. ;) 
• gambled a little more, lost all our money and went back to our room at midnight. 

Lets be real, Vegas isn't as rad as I remember it being. Don't get me wrong, I had a great time with my bestie and it was nice to get out of Cedar. I just don't think I'll be hanging in Vegas often. I am very grateful that I didn't wake up hungover, I'm sober, and I don't have to make an ass out of myself anymore. 

Jordan texted me while I was there. She has something that belongs to me and asked if I wanted to meet up and she'd give it back to me. First of all, it's something that could be easily sent in the mail. Secondly, she wanted me to meet her girlfriend. Ummm...no thanks. Sometimes I wonder if real life is more like a Jerry Springer show than I thought? ha ha

Anyway, the best part of leaving Cedar was that I got to come back and get in my own bed and cuddle with my Calvie. I sure did miss him while I was gone! :) 

New beginnings and stuff

Well folks, tonight was my last night of "aftercare" group at Horizon House. I'm done! I can't believe it's been over a year since I got to go to Horizon House! Seems so unreal and at the same time it feels like it's been much longer than that, too. I am grateful for all the wonderful staff/counselors that were willing to work with me, especially at first...I was a little bit of a nightmare. I'm grateful for all the wonderful women I met while I was living in the Horizon House and for the relationships that I still have with them even though we rarely see one another. I'm grateful that I got to go once a week after I left residential treatment and be with people who I could relate to and for all the many friends I have made along the way.

I'm also grateful for my family. I don't know for sure, but I doubt that I'd have a relationship with them if it weren't for Horizon House and the things that I got to do in the last year. For that, I'm grateful. I'm also grateful to have my best friend again and for her being so supportive and understanding over the last year.

My life isn't perfect, but it's pretty close! I'm happy, I have my own house, I have two cute kitties, amazing people to surround myself with, a job, and right now--I'm sober. I love that I get to live life and enjoy it- even the small, simple things.

Tonight is my last grave of a run of 7 and then I get tomorrow off. I'm tired and I wanted to call and have someone cover my shift, but I remembered that I get to have a job...some people aren't that lucky. So here I am. Tired as fuck, but I'm here. I think I look like I'm going to die...but that's okay. ;)

Mostly, I'm just so grateful for the life I have today. Thanks to everyone who has helped me get to where I am today. I love you all.

:)

Today was glorious.

 I got plenty of sleep, all at once, which has been rare lately. I got to cuddle with my cats...well, Calv...not Gretch. I got to hang out with my bestie. I saw Joey and my parents. I listened to good music. I thought about painting my nails...and didn't. I got to see a friend for a minute before work. And now I'm at work. I love that when I get to work, if I hurry and get most of the cleaning done right at first, I have all night to myself to do anything I want.

Things that I could have improved on today: not sleeping past 3 alarms. I missed an appointment that I really needed to be to and I woke up to late to call and re-schedule. I guess that's life, but I really wish I had a somewhat normal schedule so that I didn't feel like such a hot mess all the time. Oh well, that's life. ;)

This morning I tweeted that I wish I had a cuddle buddy other than my cat. I had no idea how many people feel the same way...but after I got 25+ notifications that people had re-tweeted it, I guess I'm not alone. haaha...sick.

Anyway, I work tonight and tomorrow night- then I get a day off to clean and get ready for Vegas and then one more day of work and off I go! I'm getting really excited. I'm so glad I get to spend the weekend with my bestie. :)

Peace out.

life is funny

Lately I've been in kind of a funk. I mean, I'm happy and I love where my life is heading; I'm surrounded by amazing people and I have a job. I have my own house and share it with the two cutest kitties on earth. But somehow, I've just been kinda blah. I work weird hours, sleep weird hours and feel like I never have enough time to sleep and be a real human. So, lately I've been choosing sleep over play or most anything else besides work. 

Then I get angry because I'm not having fun. WTF, right? 

Tonight when I got to work my sponsor had me read something and although I'm sure I'll still choose sleep more often than not, it opened my eyes to how I am acting and in turn, how I am feeling. Geeeeez, I love my sponsor. I'm so lucky that she is willing to work with me and show me how to be human. it's pretty cool. 

On a kind of unrelated note, Vegas is this weekend. I have been stoked to go for a while now and I think it'll be good. Part of me is sad about it. I'm sad that the person I love is in Las Vegas and I don't get to be with her. I'm sad that I don't get to drink and party like "normal" people. I'm sad that I love Vegas so much and can't stay there. 

I'm also super happy that I get to spend the weekend with my best friend and that she's willing to be awesome and sober with me. I am so grateful that my boss gave me the time off work so I could go have a fun weekend. I'm happy that I get to be sober and experience new things. 

It's bittersweet and I'm excited for all the new adventures I get to have. My sister just posted a blog about how we get to experience painful events or things go differently than we planned so that better things can come and we're ready for them. I agree and I'm hopeful. 

Life is good and I'm gonna be okay. :)))  

Watching the (last)Jazz game of the season with Joe Bear.

Roomie is all moved out.... I live alone!

Vegas in 4 days.

Just sneezed 34 times in a row. Gag.

Planning Joey's graduation partayyyy!

Loving life...

the things I think about at 5am...

So, earlier today April and I were talking and love came up. I don't remember many details except that she believes that it's impossible to stay "in love" with someone forever and that you just "love" them. I disagreed with her and told her I think it's totally possible to stay "in love" forever with the right person.

I can't stop thinking about it...what if she's right?? Why on Gods green earth would anyone want to be with someone they weren't in love with? I love a lot of people who I would not want to spend my life with...so how can that be enough? I get that it's not always gonna be perfect and it won't always be rainbows and butterflies, but if you've reached a point in your relationship that you're no longer in love is it honest to stay in it?

I would want to know if the person I was spending my life with wasn't in love with me anymore...

Perhaps "love" and "in love" would have to be defined for this to be a real argument, but I'm gonna go ahead and stick with my belief that it's possible to stay "in love" with someone forever. Who knows if that's in the cards for me, but I won't be settling for less than that. If that means I end up alone, I guess that's better than being miserable with someone...right?

Meh. It's 5:30am....

A bed, A BED!

my baby Calv diggin the new bed :)

I got a new bed!!!!!!!!!!!

A few months ago someone gave me a queen bed frame and I loved it. The only problem was that I had a roomie and we could only fit twin beds in our room...and I didn't have a queen mattress.

Well folks, things worked out and I got a queen mattress from my bestie. And then my roommate moved out (well, in the process).

Now I have my new bed all set up and judging by the picture of Calv, it's a good deal.

I had Wednesday and Thursday off work so I got busy painting my room (it's just white but it made a huge difference), setting up my new bed, re-decorating, and moving furniture. Now I'm at work and I'm exhausted....well worth it though!



I.can't.wait.to.get.in.bed.today. My allergies have been bugging me to no end and I can't take anything for them (nothing that works, anyway). My eyes are red and puffy...I look like I have pink eye, in both eyes...it's sexy.

Um, one week until I go to Vegas! I'm so excited. I don't care what we do or where we go, I am just stoked to go!

Oh, and next Wednesday is my last day of being a Horizon House client. Holy shit, what a year! :) So grateful that I got to go to Horizon House and meet all the wonderful people. I'll actually be kinda sad  to be done...but not sad enough to keep going every Wednesday. ;) I'll still see everyone, so it's cool.

Well, happy May 5th. :) Keep it real.

Crafternoon and stuff

• I found some awesome bar stools at DI for 3 dollars each and painted them today. They will double as my nightstand...
• Yesterday April gave me a queen size mattress to fit the awesome bed frame that I got from Maya's parents. Hopefully in a couple of days I'll have a normal bed again! yayyyy.
• I found a cute little "TV dinner" table for 3 dollars and painted it. It's gonna be my "desk"/laptop table. 
• I made a make-up bag.
• I visited grandpa and grandma.
• Went to dinner with the fam. Pizza Factory =heaven....carb heaven, that is. 
• I went to AA and heard some good shit.
• Learned how to make coffee...apparently it's a science to be perfected. Frankly, I don't care...but I'm willing to learn. ha 
• Cruised with Ape. 
• Had a surprise visit from Jock and Britt at the truck stop. 
• Cuddled with cute Calv before work.
• Realized I have a pretty awesome life. 

I love days like today. I didn't waste the whole day sleeping since I didn't work the night before. Graves kick my ass sometimes, but I'm grateful to have a job that I can do pretty much whatever I want all night. I do miss being a real human in the daytime though....sometimes...:] 

Life is good. 

One Year Sober!

Today marks one year sober for me. I'm a little overwhelmed, a lot grateful, and slightly mystified. How did this happen? Has it really been a whole year since I've been back in Utah?

Today was a great day! I got my one year chip at AA and had so many people there to support me; it was awesome! I had my parents, Anne, Joey, Tannie, Britt, Jordan, Tia, Tyler, Scout, Taunya, and my roomie. I was so grateful to have them all there and for everyone else who was there as well.

Life is goooooood!

grateful

• I'm grateful that I don't work tonight. I'm a tired girl.
• I'm grateful that I got to cuddle with Calv all day.
• I'm grateful for all the wonderful people in my life.
• I'm grateful that my house has a washer and dryer. 
• I'm grateful for love.
• I'm grateful that it was "WOW Wednesday"....52 cent drinks are awesome!
• I'm grateful for open-minded people. 
• I'm grateful that the room is booked for our mini vacation. We're all set!

Today was a simple, yet really nice day. I'm going to watch Girl With a Dragon Tattoo while I fall asleep...unless it's so good that I can't fall asleep...I'll be fine either way. 

Peace out!

things...just things.

Happy things about today:

• when I leave work, my day off begins.
• i got to see Joey today. 
• Calv and I cuddled/slept during my break from work. 
• i got to spend time with Ape.
• got my laundry finished. well, it's still drying...putting it away is my least favorite part of laundry. gag.
• i got to admire my coffee table. i haven't actually used it yet...maybe later today.  
• the weather has been amazing! i just wanna play and play and play, but then i remember i have to work all night and opt to sleep instead. bummmmer. oh well, it's not like working during the day would solve that problem anyway. 

Things that bugged today:

• my (downstairs) neighbors cranked the heater this morning. so i turned it off. it's 85 degrees outside, heaters inside are very unnecessary. when i woke up, the heat was blaring again. what's the dealio?
• i'm working another 12 hour shift. they really aren't bad, except that i didn't sleep well so now i'm really tired and it's only 2:30am. 
• i noticed how awful my toenails look and didn't do anything about it. maybe tomorrow. 
• i didn't get to go to a BBQ because i had to sleep before work. i also missed a meeting. i'm blowin' it. 
• i didn't spend as much time as i would have liked outside today. i'm hoping tomorrow i'll get some sun!

happy/grateful list

• I got 7 hours of sleep. In a row! Heavenly. 
• Friday night I went to my parents house to see Joey. We decided to go for a drive and hang out...and on the drive, we decided to go bowling! Best decision we ever made. It was just what I needed: some Joey time and getting my ass kicked in bowling...twice! It was a great night. I love that kid so much. 
• The construction at work is getting less awkward/annoying. Almost done...I hope!
• Calv is getting cuter every day, I swear. 
• My new coffee table. 
• I just cleaned out my truck. Detailed the shit out of it in about 7 minutes. I don't understand people who can spend HOURS doing that....gag. If it's clean, it's clean...get a hobby! ha ha
• I had the best grilled cheese for dinner. 
• I read two books this week and I'm about to start a third. 
• High Fidelity by Nick Hornby
• How To Be Good by Nick Hornby
• and I'm gonna start reading A Long Way Down ...also by Nick Hornby
• Thanks to Britt for loaning me all of the books mentioned above.
• Mini-vacation coming up in May! Can't wait. 
• My parents and Joey came to my house today. It was nice to see them. 
• Worked extra hours this week....I'm going to go to school in the fall if it kills me. 
• I will (I hope) get plenty of sleep tomorrow before work. 
• Got some laundry done. I love clean laundry. 
• My slightly annoying neighbors informed me they were moving at the end of the month. I tried to act a little sad...but, I'm totally grateful. They're nice and all....it's just their kids and their surround sound that I can't stand! 
• Today was so nice! In fact, it was maybe even HOT! I can't wait for summer! yay!
• Weekend grave shifts=less crazy truckers and usually no boss around. I can handle this. ;) 

what I did today:

I've been looking for a coffee table for a while now. I have searched the DI endlessly for months to no avail. Yesterday, I found it. April helped me get it home and then I got to work.

BEFORE

I painted the table gray, the wicker underneath got painted orange, and I modge podged  under the glass since it was scratched. I love it!

AFTER

AFTER

Coffee Table: $15.00
Spray Paint: $10.00
Modge Podge: $4.00
How happy I am: Priceless

lovely days

Things I love/loved about today:

• hanging out with grams today. she's a funny, beautiful gal. i love that i get to have a relationship with her. 
• i got to cuddle with sweet Calv and read all morning. i woke up at 5am (no idea why) and decided to read; it was blissful. 
• sweet Taunya sent me a pizza at work. she's the most thoughtful person i know. i love her guts.
• my boss wasn't an ass today. we actually had a pretty good time. and now he's home and i'm working...so it's a win-win. ;)
• the first 8 hours of my shift have flown by...thank goodness. now it's slowing down and i can enjoy my evening by blogging and reading. yay.
• i got to see April for a minute at lunch. sometimes i feel like i don't make enough time to see friends. hopefully this summer i can get a fair amount of playing in before school starts...we'll see!
• joey and i started making plans for his birthday. i get to take work off and spend the day with him. it's going to be a great day and i'm so grateful that i get to spend it with him. he's the coolest dude i know.
• that i only have 4 more hours of work until i get to go home and sleep!
• had a really rude trucker get pissy with me and then came back to apologize. how sweet, right? i really was surprised...and i liked it. 
• it was beautiful outside. i had the windows and doors open all day before work and even when i got to work. i love that it's getting warm outside. 

I hope today was as lovely for you as it was for me. Peace out!

i'm back

I'm back. I was planning to start a new blog but the thought of doing that made me sick. I have a lot of things on this blog that I love and I didn't want to just forget about it; I'm also lazy. I don't remember the last time I posted; my journal got a lot of TLC in my "blog break", which I'm grateful for. I like to journal but it takes more work than posting a blog. So here I am.

Life is good. Great, actually.

I get to do so many fun things with so many amazing people. I really couldn't ask for anything more. Sometimes I get frustrated that my life seems to be at a stand-still. Then I just look back over the last year and I get to see that, in fact, everything I wanted a year ago has happened plus some!

On Sunday I got to take Joey to a Horizon House Alumni picnic in St. George. I am so lucky to have him in my life; we had a great time hanging out. Plus, he thinks he met a quarterback who is "better than Tebow"...needless to say, Joey loved it. I can't believe he's going to be 19 in a few days! I'm grateful that I'll get to spend his special day with him this year.

Easter this year was a success. It was simple and fun. I got to spend time with the people I love and I worked. Beats the hell out of waking up in jail, still drunk and unsure of why I was there...I'm sure my dad was grateful, too. ha

Last night Enna and I went to Little Women put on by SUU. It wasn't great but it was fun to get out and do something different. I used to love that movie and the book so maybe my expectations were a little warped. The orchestra did a great job..I was a little worried because before the play started they sounded less-than-good, but they were great.

I'm planning a trip to Las Vegas with my bestie. We're gonna sip Cola by the pool and soak up some rays. It'll be strange being in Vegas but I think it'll be a much needed vacation. I'm excited!

I don't really have much to say except that I'm grateful for all the wonderful people in my life. I could list them all but they know who they are. Time is flying! It's almost been a year since I've been back in Utah.

Until next time, peace out.

New Blog

So, I think the time has come that I will no longer be posting on this blog. I like blogging and I will continue elsewhere. This blog has been with me for a while now and it has some happy memories; I just think it's time for a fresh start.

If you want my new blog address you can leave a comment or get contact me however you like.

no good, rotten, piece of shit day...

Yesterday can kiss my ass.

I went to bed miserable and woke up still clinging on to any part of it I could. I wanted to have a horrible day today. I tried so hard.

And then I decided to get out of bed and shower around 1pm. Best decision I've made in a long time. I met up with my sponsor and talked with her for a bit. Good thing she's the most kind and understanding person out there because I have been a bitch lately. After meeting with her, I still felt a little bit blah-ish but I got to hang out with Joey and of course he just makes everything else seem so silly. He's the best brother a girl could ask for and I'm lucky to have him in my life.

As we were driving home from dinner Joey started laughing uncontrollably and said, "oops, I farted". Although I was quite disgusted, I couldn't help but laugh because he thought it was so funny. I love that kid so much.

Oh, and what's with everyone thinking I need to date? Am I that un-awesome that I shouldn't be without someone else? Dating is cool and all, but I donno why it's been such a hot topic lately....Maybe people really are worried that I'm becoming an old hermit-cat-lady....

Today I'm grateful:

• my catz ;)
• Joey D. 
• that I get to go watch Joey play basketball tonight
• for a day off work....
• my sponsor for putting up with my awkwardness and being so loving. and everything else. she's just amazing.
• that even though i didn't get to go running, i got to shovel. that's a pretty okay workout, right?
• that i got to hang out with Joey Bear today.
• HeyTell....i need a smart phone.
• my group didn't kill me last night. i was a rancid bitch. i guess i get to make amends next week. 
• that i get to decide how i act....sometimes i just choose the wrong way...ha ha
• to be sober! 
• for friends who care about me and want what's best for me.
• for my family
• loveeeeee. maybe i do need to date. shit man....
• i have a car to drive, food to eat, and a warm house to sleep in all day. 

Here's to having a good attitude tomorrow and making it a great day! Peace and love...

My Life Soundtrack: Updated

Do you have a life soundtrack? I do. I've had it for a few years and every so often, I love a song enough to add it to the playlist. Today I finally deleted a few songs that I feel no longer have a place in my life and added some, too. Although there is no particular order at this time, I think that maybe someday I'll put them in an order that goes along with my life...for now, here they are:

• Nobody Knows Me At All by The Weepies:

This could be my life song all by itself, so naturally it's on my life soundtrack. I love this song and have played it millions of times, I'm sure. "I don't give a damn, I'm happy as a clam".

• Mint Car by The Cure:

There are no words for how happy this song makes me feel. I hear it and can't help but smile. I have so many good memories connected with this song and so many wonderful people that it makes me think of when I hear it playing. This will be a lifer on my list, I'm sure. Once upon a time I wanted it to be my wedding song...I wasn't even dating anyone. Now I just want it to be my life theme song! Screw weddings. ha 

• She Will Be Loved by Maroon 5:

I have the acoustic version on my life soundtrack. I'm not sure why, but since the first time I heard this song I just fell in love. I almost took it off my list, but decided that I could keep it for now. Maybe someday I'll take it off, but for now it'll stay. 

• There She Goes by Sixpence None the Richer

I have no clue why I love this song. Well, I do...It just makes me happy. I like having a crush; this song reminds me of such...

• Such Great Heights by The Postal Service

I just love it. Reminds me of happy times and good people. 

• Someday You Will Be Loved by Death  Cab for Cutie

Whenever I break up with someone, I put this song on replay. For weeks. I figure that since I seem to break up an awful lot, this should be part of my soundtrack. It's a really good song, too. 

• You Wouldn't Like Me by Tegan and Sara

Sometimes I don't like myself. Sometimes I just love Teg and Sar. 

• Hysteric by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs

I love everything about this song. I could listen to this song on repeat for months...oh wait, I have. 

• Brighter Than Sunshine by Auqalung 

This is from one of my all-time favorite movies, A Lot Like Love. Don't judge, it's a good movie and I love this song. I guess it gives me hope that someday I'll fall in love. Maybe? 

• Bad Poetry by Ben Lee

I used to sing this to Jordan and since she's kind of a big part of who I am today, I figured it should be on my list. I don't know how long or for what reasons it will stay, but for now, I just really love it. It reminds me of when we were happy together and in love. 

• Alligator by Tegan and Sara

<3 Story of my life. 

• Gamble Everything For Love by Ben Lee

Because I do? I donno, I just love this song. 

• The Believer by Neil Young

I dedicate this to myself sometimes when I'm feeling like a depressed little betch. It works, so I keep it. : ) I could listen to this all day.